How would your life be different if you'd stayed with your ex?

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

Facebook 'suggested' that I might like to add my ex as a friend today, so I had a cursory glance at his profile (nothing but grumpy statuses and old photos) and I suddenly thought to myself how different my entire life would have been if I'd married him and not my DH.

Six years down the line... For starters I would probably still be living in the city where we went to university, which made me unhappy as I much prefer the quiet suburbs. I'd be playing second fiddle (hah) to his bloody violin which he adored and prioritised above all else.
We'd probably be married but not happily, because of a) the lack of any kind of sex life and b) the jealous rages.
God - I would still be begging for permission and having to justify any nights out I wanted to go on with friends/family.

Thank god my instincts were right when I completely freaked out at the idea of moving in with him when he asked me. The arguments about it led to our eventual break up. Needless to say I'm happy now where I belong, with my DH.

Just wondered what others' lives might have been like if they'd stayed with their exes? Purely speculating, of course.

I'd be in a bigger house with 3 stepchildren in their 20s, lots of exotic holidays/skiing and with no children of my own.

I saw him over Christmas and was amazed at how old he looked (his 38 to my 23 didn't seem so bad but now at 51-36 it's another story)

I'll always be so fond of him, he is a fantastic guy and I know he's still fond of me. He broke my heart when he ended it (he knew I'd want children despite me saying I didn't care)

I look at my gorgeous 35 year old DH our 3 children and the beautiful home we've managed to get to on our own and I am SO pleased I am where I am. I stepped into a ready done life with him, DH and I are a team!

I'd have probably murdered the bastard

In all seriousness, I'd be still doing all childcare, all housework, paying all bills and working more hours whilst he pissed "his" money away telling me how lucky I was to have him.

Hallelujah!

Yep, I'd probably be doing a long stretch in Holloway .. and the ex would be six feet under.

Significant exes:

No 1. - I imagine verysimilar to current life. He & DH are very similar. Maybe we would have stayed together if we hadn't been so young when we met.

No 2 - I'd have been breadwinner while he pissed about in a band, drinking & smoking mywages away. I've seen him recently. He's wrecked.

No 3 - really passionate but no depth despite getting on really well. I imagine he'd have had affairs. Still think of him fondly but knew at the time we had no future and would burn out quickly. He had no real ambition either and I woukdve probably been the main earner.

I would be dead. Left a very nasty physically and emotionally long marriage and am still alive but thats about it. Am struggling as a single parent whereas exh has had a child with the ow and divorce isn't finalised yet. I often think it would have been better to stay and let him kill me than live this life

Hope you are okay yummytummy

I'd be the SAHP of a senior woman police officer. Living in a part of England I'm glad to have left and with the ultimate MIL from Hell.

If I had married my ex my entire life would revolve around his son and placating his vile, controlling, genuinely loathsome ex wife. I would also be living in the arsehole of nowhere and feeling very unhappy at his complete inability to express any emotions. No thanks

Ex No. 1: Probably a few stone heavier than I am now as I used to comfort eat. I'd be married, probably living back up north after he made such a fuss about moving down here, with a couple of kids...my self esteem would be through the floor as he was EA, I'd spend all of my spare time with his family as they were apparently awesome, and his sister would be my only allowed friend. We wouldn't have sex as he could only do that if he was looking at porn, but was happy enough shagging other women...So glad I got rid of him.

Ex No. 2: Definitely married with a couple of kids, that's all he ever wanted. Nice enough guy, but had only ever lived with his mum and just expected me to do everything...would never argue as 'he didn't want to upset me'...so basically ended up being a mum to him too, which is not good. On the surface my life would seem good, but I would be desperately bored and unhappy.

My serious exes:

1. I'd be unhappily married to a work obsessed alcoholic prone to irrational unpleasantness. I'd be in a childless, sexless marriage.

1. His laziness and lack of ability to relate with or converse with me would have driven mte totallly bonkers.

1. I'd still be listening to him droning on about his work and every boring bloody conversation he had each day with his work colleagues because he was oh so witty not He'd have taken even more of my money and still not be the least bit interested in my life, only his.

I'm single now, happily so.

yummytummy would it help to start a new thread about what's going on for you. You've done so well to get away from your ex.

Much as DH rips my knitting, I'm always quite proud that I found the strength to call it a day with my ex. Can't speculate on how life would be if I'd stayed but I know he was rubbish then (cheating, smoking weed, actually considering selling weed fss) and through the grapevine I know he's not changed much.

Yummytummy, you'll get there, it's still early days

Well, taking the worst ex scenario...

I would be living with a serial womaniser going for younger and younger girls and whatever else he fancied trying, at risk of STI's, permanently neurotic every time he "went to stay with his brother", pitied by everyone around me including his mother who fucking hated me and vice versa. He didn't wash much either and his mother's house was a fucking hovel.

Thank God he gave me an ultimatum. Choose him or my career. Seems a no brainer now of course, but the stupid twat made me wake up finally with that one sentence..

Glad to hear that everyone is better off now. There are certainly some horrible exes out there!

Hmmmmm. Gorgeous, posh,educated rugby player who turned out to be gay !!!!! I would have been a beard? Or something. Thought he was sensitive and had no problems with him looking at other women. Was with him for four years. What a waste but now find it quite hilarious how naive I was.
Always a good story over a few glasses of wine!!!

We'd live in the town he grew up in, because he would never leave. He would still be going out drinking with his friends every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. As would I. Very little sex. We wouldn't be unhappy but we wouldn't be particularly happy either. He has actually moved away from his home town with his now wife and is very happy, and not out drinking 4 nights a week, but would never have done it for me so everything turns out for the best. I have lived in various countries with now DH and expecting our second child.

Seems to me I'm always some front for men's dark secret lives ( frowns )

I would probably still be mentally unstable.

I wouldn't have my dcs. Is all.

I'd be eaten up with bitterness and anger and resentment. I would be fantasising about suicide as a way out.

I'm not sure....

I guess, looking at EXH, and the life we had before I left, that we would would have been comfortably off, lovely house, lots of holidays etc. but his drinking would always have been a problem for me (plus he attacked me twice during arguements which I KNOW is two times too many).

I've got less now but I'm far happier with DH (who I've never seen drunk in 20+ years).

HazelNut - ooh, do we share identical exes? Your descriptions sound scarily familiar! If their names began with "L" (first love) or "E" (the EA tosspot) then maybe!

Out of four serious exes, I would have been widowed twice at a young age and as for the other two I don't know too much about them.

One was an arsehole and the other is probably a headmaster somewhere. Nice guy but just not for me.

Well lets see...currently I am a single, SAHM of two (only separated from the H a few months ago), but if I had stayed with him:

I'd be poorer than I am now and have to constantly listen to him complain about how he neither of us knows how to budget or manage money. I'd have to deal with him telling me that since I am the one who never does anything stays home that I should be taking care of our budget, but then not have him listen to me when I state what needs to be saved or what we shouldn't be spending. And taking my hands off of the situation because I couldn't deal with it or win no matter what I said only got us more into debt...but I thought it was better than fighting and him then doing what he wanted behind my back anyway

I would have no career prospects at all because my ideas to start work or go after any kind of career would be shut down, while at the same time having to listen to him tell me that I don't contribute financially. I still don't have a job, but I did go back to school before I left him and I am actively trying to get myself going.

I'm turning 30...and we were along our merry way to a sexless marriage, while he enjoyed his online fetishes. Never any form of productive communication, and the jerk laughed at me when I was upset.

If I had stayed with ex-H, my kids would be unhappy, as I was. But now we are all doing so well. I could create a huge, negative list of what my life would be like had I stayed...but all I care about is that the future for myself and my kids is looking better & brighter. And 3 months out of that crappy relationship has already been such an improvement in numerous ways.

Remembering how I felt in the months before I finally left, had I stayed I would probably wound up in some sort of mental hospital and had the dcs taken away from me:( his constant behaviour to make me believe everything was my fault and that when arguments/he hurt me verbally(physically sometimes) occurred it was all ok the next day, nothing mattered. Drove me insane cause I would have arguments with myself - convinced it wasn't ok but doubting everything cause of the way he behaved 18 months on I have the dcs am at college studying, have a small job and dcs and I are about to move to a home of our own(living with relatives atm) :)

I'd probably be severely depressed still.