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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Texting in a relationship

42 replies

Justalovemachine · 07/01/2015 17:17

Bit of a silly one really...TEXTING!!!

I wanted to post after a discussion with my best friend made me simultaneously raise my eyebrows at her and secretly question the strength of my newish relationship!!

Background. She has been with her BF four years. They have has an up and down relationship and at the
Moment are loved up. But...they text constantly! In the morning, on their lunch, all through the evening! When she's round my house or vice versa, it drives me mental!

Me? I've been seeing someone six months and it's going lovely. In the first couple of months we text a lot but now when we don't see each other we tend to just send a one or two a day and maybe talk on the phone for a bit if we get chance.

BF says she would lose heart with this and says the fact the texting habits changed shows we have lost interest in each other!

It made me stop and think. It is more him that stopped. He's very busy at work and I wouldn't really want to bug him all day long! but I honestly don't think we have any issues. It's really lovely and we communicate really well when we see each ither and talk things through whereas she even conducts her disagreements with her BF via text.

So....the question is...do you think texting habits changes as the relationship progresses? Is it important it doesn't change? What happened in your relationship?

OP posts:
GlitzAndGigglesx · 07/01/2015 17:21

Idk how people have the energy or time to text constantly. I've been with my DP for nearly 8 years and we texted a lot at first but now we live together it's only to ask something or say we're popping somehwere. I don't think there's anything wrong with calling on breaks or whatever but it would drive me nuts to be texted constantly

Jan45 · 07/01/2015 17:27

Well I'd rather be you than her! What on earth are they texting that many times a day, it must be really bloody boring.....there's nothing like real life contact face to face, I couldn't be bothered with any of that even if I had the time, it's pointless.

TheHobbit · 07/01/2015 17:29

My DP id like this. He doesn't work but I do and I get at least 30 yes 30 texts a day! My phone beeps constantly and it drives me craaaaazy SadWine

TheHobbit · 07/01/2015 17:29

Is not id

Original poster
Justalovemachine · 07/01/2015 17:32

I agree! I don't want to be attatched to my phone all day. But is it a bad sign if it starts off like that and then fades out to just a couple a day within six months? Or is it part of settling into a routine and getting comfortable?

OP posts:
KittiKat · 07/01/2015 17:33

My Ex used to do this all the time but it was only to keep tabs on me. All very subtle in the beginning and you think "oh how sweet" but when it goes on and on and on it drives you mad. And even when I did get home he would ask the same questions again. It was his way of controlling me.

Joysmum · 07/01/2015 17:33

Texts are so impersonal and something we only do if we can't talk or to give info and not expect a reply.

I can't understand people who text or email loads yet don't speak?

DH and I speak, might have a 'thinking of you/I love you type text' in the day but that's it.

If he's away, like now, he'll text to say he's about to take off ir has arrived safely. Or text to say when he'll phone. We prefer to talk and a 2 min conversation is worth far more than 20 texts!

googoodolly · 07/01/2015 17:36

I think it depends on what the couple is happy with. If you're BOTH happy with texting a lot, it's not a problem, but if one is constantly texting and the other finds it a problem, then a compromise needs to be made.

DP and I text on breaks - but, we work opposing shifts so if we didn't, I wouldn't see/speak to him at all four days a week. If we both worked 9-5 and got up together and saw each other in the evening, it would probably be different, though.

Optimist1 · 07/01/2015 17:39

You know how some people have to talk all the time regardless of whether they have anything of value or interest to say? That's your friend and her partner. You and yours sound fine to me!

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 07/01/2015 17:41

My friend is like this with everyone! No idea how she gets a anything done! Drives me bonkers actually but if I don't answer she texts even more, then fb posts, calls etc....

Been with DH 13 years (married 7), we don't really text that much. But then we live together so guess that changes it slightly. We call or email if we have something to say, or if DS has done something I think he'll enjoy hearing at the time, but generally I assume he is busy at work (I work PT) Confused

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2015 17:42

Horses for courses. Just because your communication frequency have changed doesn't mean a thing! Sounds to me as if you're more secure in your relationship than she is in hers!

I'd say the more secure a relationship is, the less 'need' there is to be constantly 'in touch'. You know them, you know what they're likely doing at a given time, so you don't need to be constantly updating each other. You're secure in your feelings so don't have the need to be constantly sending sweet nothings to each other.

DH and I have been together almost 30 years. We have interests that mean we spend time away from each other (I go to Disney once or twice a year, he loves to hang glide and backpack). When we're apart we don't feel the need to be constantly texting or calling each other. It's just usually a good morning, love you, have a great day & a good night, love you, sweet dreams call, FaceTime, or text. On the other hand, our BFFs (my Disney companion & DH's hang gliding buddy) are married to each other & have a bit of a rocky relationship and they seem to have to constantly be in touch with each other via text or phone. It's actually annoying since we have to stop whatever we're doing so they can talk/text.

InfinitySeven · 07/01/2015 17:47

It's a personal thing.

If not texting a lot is a new thing for you, it could indicate a problem, and I'd consider why.

DP & I have been together for over 7 years, and text all the time. We're pretty much in constant contact, unless one of us is driving/in a meeting/having a manic day. It doesn't feel smothering for us, because we grew up like this.

If he suddenly stopped texting me, I'd be a bit concerned, especially if it lasted for a prolonged period. But if we'd never texted like this in the first place, I wouldn't have expected it, if you see what I mean.

I think its horses for courses, but if there has been a change in your relationship, I'd consider both the reason and if you're happy. You sound like you've been made insecure about it very easily, so were you already worried?

youmakemydreams · 07/01/2015 17:50

Dp and I texted a lot in the early days. I know that there were times he was probably too busy to as well but we were in that loved up phase. It settled down probably fairly quickly I mean way less than 6 months quickly because we were both busy and just can't sustain that level forever.
My friend judges a relationship on how much in a day a man texts her. She can't seem to get it into her head that he is usually at work (she doesn't work) and that yes ok he had time to text you 30 times yesterday he is at WORK and has WORK to do and is possibly busier than yesterday so can only fit in 15 texts. It drives me insane.

I think everything is always more intense in the early days and if you weren't worried before there is no reason to worry now. Dp and I live together so no more of the nights apart and I will text or call him in the day if I need to but if it was constant it would just get boring.

Original poster
Justalovemachine · 07/01/2015 18:29

Thanks everyone, it's good to read how other people work.

infinity it has made me feel slightly insecure. I spend a lot of time with my BF (her DP works away in the week and my boyfriend is working extremely long hours at the minute due to a crisis at his work). He started texting less when stress levels increased at work which I have never taken personally, I have my own things to do and generally it suits me fine. Plus, we still communicate and it's lovely when we see each other, make future plans etc.

But when I'm with my friend, her phone is constantly beeping and she gets that loved up look on her face. The conversation we had about it last night did make me feel a little insecure. She seemed to imply that if he was still really into me, he would contact me the same and nothing would get in the way.

But I'd been perfectly happy with it all before.

I don't feel massively insecure, just slightly perturbed

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2015 18:45

strangely enough, I managed to meet and eventually marry/have kids with my bloke without one text being passed between us

Original poster
Justalovemachine · 07/01/2015 18:54

Amazing Anyfucker!!!

Think I'd quite like that. Trying not to sound in any way offensive....but when was this?! WinkBlush

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2015 18:56

If I told you I would have to kill you Smile Smile Smile

AnyFucker · 07/01/2015 18:59

When we met we made arrangements verbally when we saw each other

the phone was a big red box on the street or the one land line in the lounge with a lock on it and my nosy bastard father listening to every word....

Original poster
Justalovemachine · 07/01/2015 19:03

A much simpler time then! Wink

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 07/01/2015 19:08

Me and DP don't communicate at all unless it is something that can't wait, from the minute we leave the house to the minute we get back. Just the way I like it! I would find constant texting a complete turn off and a pain in the arse!

AnyFucker · 07/01/2015 19:17

we still only text if it's a case of "could you pick up some milk on the way home" or "I'll be late work is being a bastard" or very occasionally "are the kids out, get yer knickers off"

Romance is not dead in the Fucker house Wink

Original poster
Justalovemachine · 07/01/2015 19:17

is it different if you live together though?

My BF seems to think that getting the "good morning" text every day means you're on his mind and he really loves you. And if you don't get that every day (which I dont - we usually text after lunch) then you are not "forefront of their mind. Which is a terrible thing

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2015 19:19

having one other person at "the forefront of your mind" at all times is creepy and stalkery, IMO

your mate needs to get a fucking life, or a hobby

I would run a mile from someone like that.

Original poster
Justalovemachine · 07/01/2015 19:30

Good, good, I'm starting to feel better now.

I actually hardly used to carry my mobile with me before I met this bloke. When we were first going out though, I got into the habit of checking it all the time as I couldn't wait to hear from him. The sane part of my brain is glad to have my life back and in be in something that feels comfortable but the niggling voice pecking my head (my friends voice) makes me miss it a bit.

From now on I am only going to use text for the same purposes as anyfucker: milk, lateness apologies and instructions to undress

OP posts:
ProbablyMe · 07/01/2015 19:44

I wonder if it's because her DP works away? I feel like a bit of a freak now because my DP works away mon-fri and we text (actually we use an app called Couple) a lot every day. We enjoy just being in touch, we do chat on the phone every day but the messages have been fantastic too - apart from anything we both started off as a bit emotionally stunted, especially in turns of communication, and it was a way of starting difficult subjects that we were a bit uncomfortable with - although we have got over this now and discuss everything!! I guess it what personally suits really - it bugs me a bit a lot when other people feel the need to judge something that is working well for someone else, it gives the impression that they are devaluing someone else's relationship just because it's different to theirs and that's bloody crap.