Could you be with someone thats cheated in the past?

[AQuestionForYou]

Just that really. I've been with a guy for about 9 months. Its bothered me all this time that a week before his wedding to his ex he got oral sex from someone else. Only recently did I find out that his ex found out because the woman told her, not because he did. It also seems that he denied it at the start and dismissed it as rumours.

I'm not completely in the clear, when I was a teenager I kissed another, it wasn't planned, I was very young, in an abusive relationship and wasn't ever going to marry the horrible guy so it feels slightly different considering he arranged this meet up, was late 20's and had been with this woman for 4 years. His excuse was that they generally cheated on each other and it became a bit of an eye for an eye situation. But hey, maybe its not that different really.

Has anyone here had a successful, faithful relationship with someone with a history of cheating?

Never one of my best mates has cheated in every relationship she always claims it was a big mistake will never happen again. A year later she's back out looking for another OM behind her long term partners back, these can be anything from emotional/pictures to full on affairs meeting up a few times a week.

Her partner believes her cheatint at the start was because she was in a very bad messed up place and that he saved her, though his not fully innocent as he had text affairs for a few months so, maybe a match made in heaven

I am. me and DP got together through an affair so we were both cheaters.

I'm as sure as I am about anything that I'm not going to cheat on him. I can't say 100% that he won't cheat on me but couldn't say that about anyone.

All depends on the reasons for cheating, the feelings about it all and what they do afterwards.

Depends. If he was very young when it happened perhaps and got caught up in a cycle of expectation to settle down/marry a long term girlfriend and didn't know how to get himself out of it. Perhaps he just wasn't ready to be faithful to anyone then, and now things are different? I might see past it, providing there was nothing like it since, but it would depend on the circumstances.

I ended up snogging a work colleague a few months before my first wedding. With hindsight I was sending a clear message to myself that I should not be getting married so young, and not be marrying that particular person, but I was too insecure and stupid to do anything about it while I still had a chance. I just got swept up in it all and didn't know how to make it stop.

The marriage lasted about a year before I was fully unfaithful and it took me two years to leave properly. It was a very miserable time. But I am not a wicked person, I was just confused and young.

I've been totally and utterly faithful to DH2 for 24 years since then, but perhaps AF would think he should not have touched me with a bargepole.

You were a teenager, still trying to work out your own self and how life works.

He was a grown man on the eve of his own damn wedding.

Not comparable at all.

9 months is an awfully long time to stay in a relationship you feel uncomfortable about, OP. This can't be doing you any good.

If it was someone who'd cheated a very long time ago and had grown up enormously and was a very different person, then yes I'd consider a relationship with them.

If it was only a few years or if he showed the faintest, tiniest sign of being a cocky git then no.

I -would- consider a relationship with someone who said from the start that they were not monogamous strange as it sounds. For me, cheating is a lot about the trust being broken and dishonesty. I can accept someone who is comfortable in their own skin and open about not being monogamous much more easily than I can accept someone who promises monogamy and lies. Non monogamous is not at all the same as shagging anything that moves, btw.

cheating is rarely black and white, and actually more people cheat on a partner at some point in their lives than don't. But it would depend on the reasons behind it as to whether I would pursue a relationship or not.

In the op's case, a week before the wedding with the excuses he has given I wouldn't go anywhere near no.

Depends entirely on the reason for cheating.

Some people find themselves in a loveless marriage, assume that that's their lot, don't go looking for anything else and by total chance meet someone whose company they enjoy and slowly fall in love.

Doesn't make them a bastard or serial cheat.

I would date someone who had cheated in the past.

I'm not sure I would date someone who had done what your boyfriend did. He'd have to be VERY excellent in all other ways, and I'd have to have a VERY strong gut feeling that he wasn't ever going to do it to me.

Also this 'generally cheated on eachother' business... not sure about that. Red flag, for me, I can't quite explain why. Clearly it wasn't an open relationship, and clearly it wasn't ok, with her, at least. I would put money on it being that she cheated on him once, he found out, she felt awful and begged for forgiveness, and he 'forgave' her but proceeded to cheat on her repeatedly and claim it was her fault for cheating too. Or something along those lines.

No, because if somebody is able to do it once they won't be bothered about doing it again.

The people who couldn't do it are the ones you can trust to a certain extent.

that

that doesn't really follow through those morethan. I hadn't cheated in any relationship EVER till after 5 years of being married to my ExH. So he couldn't trust me cause I ended up cheating but he could trust me because I'd never cheated in the past....

I think it is a lot to do with the person but also a LOT to do with the person they're with.

So whilst it's not my Ex's FAULT I cheated. A lot of it was to do about him and the relationship we had. Of course I should have left first though...

I think it depends on the circumstances. I think many people have cheated on partners when they were teenagers, and were in relationships that lasted a few months, not years.

I wouldn't judge someone who cheated on their girlfriend/boyfriend when they were a teen, because, well, they were still kids, teenage relationships tend to FEEL very serious, but are actually very fleeting, they are working out how relationships work, and also most teenagers tend to be complete dicks! (myself included!). The vast majority of people grow out of that behaviour, and will even be ashamed for it when they are more mature.

As people get older, I think the level of disgust over cheating becomes directly proportional to the seriousness of the relationship (at least for me). If one of my friends in their thirties was seeing someone for a couple of months, the relationship was still pretty casual, etc..if they cheated on that person I would tell them it was a shitty thing to do, and to finish the relationship, but I wouldn't label them as absolute scumbags.

If someone has been together with another for, god, say more than a year, were living together, or talking about living together, and were a serious couple, then it's a very, very, very shitty thing to do.

The situation you describe though is pretty much off the scale. To cheat on your partner once you are engaged, or just before the wedding, or when you are married...to me that lands you in "irrevocable c*nt" territory.

My DH also cheated on his first wife, and from what I can gather was not faithful to several subsequent gfs (including the OW that he left DW1 for)

We have discussed it a lot over the years, he sort of skated round it all when we first got together and then gradually the full story has come out. He describes his life as "complicated" before he met me and I maintained my independence within our relationship (separate houses, bank accounts etc) for nearly 17 years because of it - we eventually married 5 years ago.

He is a very different person now to the man I met, all his family and friends have remarked on it including DW1 who once said that he didn't grow up til he met me and his late DM who said I was the best thing that ever happened to him (awww) He himself will be the first to admit that he was an immature idiot and that he looks back on his "past life" with shame

He has never given me any reason to doubt him over the years but there is always a little voice deep down that says "I wonder...." and probably always will be. Doesn't mean I don't love him, hasn't affected our relationship over the years, it's just that there is a tiny part of me that has always held back from 100% trust and I think if he ever did cheat on me (he knows it would be the end) having that little hard kernel already there would make it easier to move on from iyswim.

yes, I have that kernel too but tbh given that I cheated on exDH (and was the most unlikely person on paper to EVER cheat) I think I would have that seed of distrust sewn whoever I was with as I know fidelity isn't an exact science! At least DP and I know eachothers past flaws, are 100% open with eachother and I know whar weaknesses we have both had in the past...

It does entirely depend on the circumstances and the person.

I don't like the phrase "once a cheat always a cheat" as it implies people can't ever change or learn from a shitty choice they once made.

My DP was unfaithful to his exW, and left her for the OW. That was ten years or so ago and he was never unfaithful before, nor after that event. I can tell he is genuinely remourseful for his actions and has changed and grown as a person. He was also very open with me about it, we were friends long before we were a couple so I knew about his past before I even fell for him.

I was also unfaithful in my previous marriage. I married as a teenager as had had an unplanned dc, it was a totally incompatible relationship and I felt trapped and was too immature to communicate my feelings so I just acted like a dick. I was unfaithful when I was about 24, I am now nearly 30 and I have grown up so much since then. There is absolutely no way I would cheat again, that fleeting feeling of attractiveness and the excitement is not worth all the pain, guilt, hurt you cause everyone around you as well as yourself. I never want to cause that again.

Myself and DP both know what led to our previous cheating and are very aware of how to keep this relationship healthy.

OP, does your partner seem genuinely remourseful for his actions?
Does he seem to have "grown up" since this or does he still come across as immature?
Does he feel he has learnt from his actions?
What was wrong with him during the relationship with his fiance that led him to feel the need to cheat? And how is he going to avoid this in the future/with his relationship with you?
Does he know what action he will take to sort out the actual problem with the relationship, rather than just have his end away with someone else again?

These are questions I would be asking him, then you can make an informed decision. If he doesn't seem to give a shit or act like this behaviour is just a part of who he is, then it doesn't look good. Only you can tell though.

Nope. Leopard. Spots etc. It would always be at the back of your mind.

No way.

You can learn a lot about your partner from the ex. What does she say about him? What is their relationship like now (are they friends or is there animosity)? Even if the ex is the guilty party or makes life difficult for your partner, see how he handles what she does/says. Does he take any ownership for things that he had an equal part in? Or is it always her fault?
I've found an ex who wasn't a nice person in the past is unlikely to be a nice person all of a sudden in a new relationship.

So, I wouldn't give this guy the time of day if I found out about his cheating. Another truth I realized too late...once a cheater, always a cheater.

A week before his wedding? Sounds charming.

No, I would ditch him.

I think the problem is more that if you are with someone you know has cheated them you might spend the entirety of your relationship waiting for them to do it to you. Even if they don't the damage would be done as this level of mistrust will take its toll on the relationship.

My parents relationship started on this rocky ground as he was married when he met my mother and I was born before the divorce was finalised. Not a good start - and I do not remember them happy together - though they must have been as some stage. The relationship may never have been happy if they had met as free individuals ( my mother was and is depressed and has trust issues that stem way before her marriage). But the insecurity of the origin of their relationship was a problem. Ironically Dad had a good(ish) relationship with his ex. after they divorced they seemed very relaxed about it all.

I have never cheated and I don't intend to - but I think I could withstand infidelity without it being the end of the world - my parents taught me the importance of resilience. I never take my relationship for granted either. Which DH who's the only child of parents happily married for ever does - on occasion.

Thanks for all your posts. Its a tough one, I know anyone could cheat whether they have done in the past and whether they did and were honest or not but its sort of feel like I'm waiting for it to happen sometimes. I convince myself 'Oh but he's really into me, he wouldn't' but that doesn't last forever.

Thinking back I only found it out because when we first became facebook friends I had a look through his timeline and saw the whole drama panned out there. Her putting messages on his wall about it and him writing statuses about people spreading rumours, then others a few days later about how hes so sorry that his actions have hurt so many people.

Funnily enough I think his own actions have caused him to become very very jealous and paranoid about what I'm up to.

teamthirteen Im unsure about all your questions as I feel so awkward bringing up the conversation with him, we've not talked about it much. I want to bring it up next time I see him though. Just worry he will just be saying what he thinks I want to hear.

sophrosyne I've not met her but she sent me an awful lot of messages in the beginning trying to stir up trouble. He sees her quite a bit to pick up his dog but they don't really talk much from what I gather. They still haven't got a divorce.

Guess I've got things to think about.

people who are very possessive, jealous and suspicious of their partners are often applying their own standards to the situation

he doesn't sound like a safe pair of hands to me

Funnily enough I think his own actions have caused him to become very very jealous and paranoid about what I'm up to.

Run. He hasn't grown up. He's just aware of what people can do because he's done it and he's trying to control you.

Run.

Funnily enough I think his own actions have caused him to become very very jealous and paranoid about what I'm up to.

So you're paying for his crimes? Charming.

In answer to the actual question I think it depends. My OH was in a long on/off relationship with lots of drama and they both had the occasional 'overlap'.
They were young and despite it being a LTR they never made any serious commitment.

I've been with OH for 7 years and never had a moment's doubt about his fidelity. We were older when we met and were living together within a few months.

Conversely I had an 'overlap' when I was with my ex..... not an actual affair but a very strong attraction to someone else which was the reason I ended things with my ex.

OH and I were very open and candid with each other from day one. We laid out our pasts and our regrets and also what we expected from each other - which was complete honesty and fidelity at all times - very early on. It worked for us.

In the OP's situation though I'd exercise a lot of caution. This man went on and married the woman he cheated on, and he never had the decency to admit it. Both worrying issues to me.