When do you cut off financial support for offspring?

[Poppyflowe]

Following on (and not wanting to hijack) the thread about middle-aged children's stress and financial burden on their parents - when do you expect to end financial support for your children?

My dc are both at uni and bleeding us dry with the eldest due to graduate (on track for a 2i from a RG uni and with loads of work experience ).

She would love to work in London, where she thinks graduate salaries would be between 18 and 22k if she gets a job. She seemed surprised when I said I didn't then expect to keep supporting her (I would like to start winding down to retirement from my very stressful job).

But, that's not enough to live on for her, is it?

I'm interested in knowing what is the view of others' here - either if you are or have been in the same situation as my dc, or are a parent yourself.

We are comfortable, not super wealthy, and both dh and I work long, busy, irregular hours which enables us to have be generous with the dc (who both will have student loans to repay).

mine will get stopped at 18. If they want to go to uni they must work themselves at weekends and holidays.

16y/o has a pt job and is expected to pay for everything that he wants extra in terms of food or going out etc
He will have to work his way through uni to pay for it. No spare dosh here.
When working full time, if at home still. Market rent will be charged (going rate for a house share) and will be expected to pay part of household bills and council tax etc.

if he doesn't like it, he can move out :D

I will still always buy him a meal out and gifts and such. But day-to-day living expenses are on him.

mine will get stopped at 18. If they want to go to uni they must work themselves at weekends and holidays.

16y/o has a pt job and is expected to pay for everything that he wants extra in terms of food or going out etc
He will have to work his way through uni to pay for it. No spare dosh here.
When working full time, if at home still. Market rent will be charged (going rate for a house share) and will be expected to pay part of household bills and council tax etc.

if he doesn't like it, he can move out :D

I will still always buy him a meal out and gifts and such. But day-to-day living expenses are on him.

I think times have changed in terms of ratio of earnings to rent and utilities. When I first worked I earned £300 a week in London and my rent was 45. My best mates son graduated last year he earns 245 a week and his rent is 110

I think people have too high aspirations and want things they can't afford, expecting that Mum and Dad will help them out.

The OPs daughter appears ot expect get a well paid job straight out of uni, expect parents to suppor ther. When in fact SHE can't afford that lifestyle. You wouldn't fund your neighbours lifestyle, so why your kids?

Sure you might help them out from time to time with smaller things, because we're all nice people. But, the entitled adults of the world need to get a reality check, and the parents need to be the one sot give it to them.

NO, you can't live in London. YOU can't afford it. YOU have to compromise or lower your expectations. In other words... be grown up about it.

Of course she will be able to live on £18-22k. Are you crazy? She's going to be 21 and in her first job. What standard of living is she aspiring to?!

Thanks all. I'm still in work!

You've confirmed what I was thinking.

DH, who is softer with the dc than I am will now have to read this thread!

I think they see us leading a comfortable life but don't really appreciate the hard work we put in, and certainly ddim' see the dangerous hovels I occupied while I was a student and new graduate myself. Young people today are used to a much more comfortable lifestyle on the whole than I was when growing up.

She probably could get a job locally when she graduates, but London would be better career-wise if she can land a job there.

I moved to London 5 years ago into a (graduate level, arts-based) job at £18,500. I lived in flat shares, and cut my cloth accordingly, including being able to keep up payments on credit cards and (private) student loans.
I had occasional handouts from grandmother, usually for flat deposits, but otherwise lived purely under my own steam.
Rents have gone up since then - think more £500 minimum for somewhere decent/commutable, whereas I was paying more £350-400.

Even so, I've no doubt it can be done. Towards the end of my 1st year I took on evening babysitting work for a little more pocket money, and many colleagues also did private tutoring - both these are relatively accessible, high-paying and flexible jobs that take only a couple of hours or so out of your evening 2/3 nights a week, and can even be cash in hand if you're the sort of person that's happy to do that.

"I think they see us leading a comfortable life but don't really appreciate the hard work we put in, and certainly didnt see the dangerous hovels I occupied while I was a student and new graduate myself."

That's just it isn't it? Living in hovels is an essential part of growing up, and is definitely character building.

Your dc are already very lucky op! I worked from about sixteen and was on my own with minimum student loan and a part time job at 18. My dad did bail me out once when I got into trouble with accommodation fees once mind you.

I would just make your intentions known now so they can make their plans without relying on further support from you once they graduate. Practical support and gifts yes but ongoing monthly contributions to full-time working adults probably not.

Yes, I had a paper round at 14 and worked in Boots at 16. I took a year out after a levels and worked in a shop to save enough to fund three months in Florida, though my parents paid my air fare.

I also lived in hovels at Uni, though am glad that students don't have to live in such squalid conditions now...I had constant bronchitis and was always ill from mouldy walls, damp bedding, squabbles over an electric heater etc.

Bottom line is, instilling a good understanding of money, prices, the value of saving, the dangers of excessive debt, the need to budget etc, from an early age, is vital and can save a lot of hassle later in their lives.

Is part of the trouble that it's so very much harder for young people now to be able to afford to leave home and move out? The example earlier is a good example - earnings much less, rents much higher than some years ago?

After graduation I got first months rent and deposit from my parents and that was it. If I was really desperate they would help, but they rightly refused to subsidize me. DH parents on the other hand did bail him out regularly, meaning budgeting and living within his means was a painful surprise for him in later life.

"I think they see us leading a comfortable life but don't really appreciate the hard work we put in, and certainly didnt see the dangerous hovels I occupied while I was a student and new graduate myself."

I think that's a very good point.

My mum was only just 19 when she had me so I was bought up with very little monetary security or luxuries so my expectations were lower.

I had my daughter at 28 and we already were on the property ladder and had careers and means. She's never seen how hard it was for us in the first 7 years we were together but I show her where we used to live and talk about the 60 hour weeks plus commuting I used to pull in addition to DH working. She knows how hard it was so is prepared for that for her too.

I was on my own as soon as I graduated from my undergrad degree. I did a PhD in London - in 1998 my stipend was £10,500 per year. Irarned very quickly to live within my means (out of necessity - my stipend was paid quarterly in arrears).

My DC are currently 10 & 8. They already know that once they leave university they will essentially be on their own. We've already made it clear that they will always be welcome to live at home, but that they will be expected to pay rent if they choose to do so.

I really feel for students who have to rely on the loan alone - it's not enough for dc to get the most out of going to university and we currently give each dc several hundred pounds a month each on top.

I do think my eldest dc thought that would continue when she graduates - but to be fair she seemed to accept the fact that it wouldn't. She's obviously worried about her upcoming finals and dissertation plus finding a graduate level job in a crowded market (otherwise what would have been the point of university in the first place?)

I moved to London on graduation, temped first and was fully self supporting from the start, it's definitely doable and I had a lot of fun too, wasn't living on beans and never socialising! This was only a few years ago.

in 1994 i was earning £18k and paying £400 on a flat share in putney. after travel costs etc i had barely anything left as take home pay was about £800 after tax then.
I didn't get any help from my parents, saying that before i started work my mum bought me a whole set of workclothes. they let me come on holiday with them and my younger siblings whenever i could (and paid for me), so they certainly helped me out without a regular subsidy.
pay goes up quite quickly in the early days. also everyone is in the same boat i found, you just couldn't go out like you did when at uni!

Poppy, for what it's worth, I had to rely on on loans alone, and had part time jobs throughout my undergrad, MA (and now PhD!) Yes, it takes more time management, but I was still able to achieve academically (helped I loved my subject), have a good social life and get involved with uni sports and societies.

Did I sometimes feel hard done by compared to the students who's parents could afford to plug the gaps? Yes.
But I think having that level of responsibility, having to manage time and budgets has done me no end of good going out into the 'real' world. After that 18K job, I went freelance at age 24 & have built it up into a profitable business. If I hadn't had that experience at uni, I don't know if I would have had the confidence to make that move.

It's natural to want to support your children and give them all the help you can. But honestly, sometime independence and responsibility really is worth its weight in gold!

I left school after O levels. Mum told me I could spend my first pay packet as I wanted but after that I had to pay 'board'. My take home pay was £42 per month and I gave DMum £12.

Out of the rest I started paying for driving lessons as soon as I turned 17.
I went on a holiday with school friends (some were still at school doing A levels).

I married Dh 18 months later and moved in to the house he was buying. Mum and dad gave us some money towards the wedding expenses. We paid for most of it. I was the eldest of five and I knew Mum and Dad couldn't afford to pay much. They thought they would have a few more years to save up!

After that we were on our own. It wasn't easy but I never expected any financial help from our parents. They bought birthday and Christmas presents for the GC and paid for a few meals out but that was all. We were the lucky baby boomers after all!

Our eldest two DC went to university in 1998 and 2000. They had both had weekend and holiday jobs from 16 so had bought their own extras and saved a small amount. They both had full student loans but we helped. We bought all books and equipment and gave money for food. We also paid credit card bills but only travel expenses and books etc. I think they both felt they had enough to manage but had much less money than some others. There was certainly no travelling around Europe etc they had to work in the holidays. No gap years either we were not prepared to fund that.

Both had jobs sorted before they graduated and have supported themselves since. The eldest has just repaid his student loan but DC2 still has 3K to pay back. DD did come back to the family home for 2 years at one point so that she could pay off some debts. She gave us money for her keep while she stayed here.

The next two DC didn't go to university but did apprenticeships. They lived mainly at home and to start with earned very little. As their pay increased they were expected to pay towards household expenses. One has now left home and buying his own place. The other is saving for a deposit.

The youngest DS are still at school. They can't find part time work like the older ones. So looks like we will be fully supporting them for a while yet. Really worried about student debt for the younger ones. But we will help out as much as we can. We will not be paying off their student loans or providing a deposit for a house.

Poppyflowe, I think once they're out of formal education then it's usual and expected to stop regular financial support. My parents helped me at various times with one off loans (always repaid but interest free), and small gifts. All of these were adorable for them and freely given.

I would think it very odd and unnecessary for any graduate to have a monthly allowance from parents.

Affordable not adorable

My graduate daughter started in September to work in London on £24K and she manages to rent a room etc. I gave her the deposit for the flat as her last gift. While at Uni we paid the rent on her flat, she paid for everything else from her loan and her part time job. She funded her own gap year before Uni from various hotel jobs both here and while on the gap year.

Now I will give her money as a gift for her birthday/maybe buy her the odd thing as a treat.

My son also lives in London, we gave him the same level of support whilst he was at Uni. He now buys me the odd lunch - I have arrived!!

I have two at uni, & both live off a combination of student loans & grants, savings & part- time jobs. They get the occasional donation from me, for something fairly specific, but they are both, at 21 & 23, pretty much self supporting. They don't complain or compare.
When I had young staff in a London office, I paid between £18-22k pa & they managed to find digs, feed themselves, go out. Can be done & good to let them fly free & support themselves.

Sorry not read previous posts. I worked hard from a young age. I spent two years working full time before I went to uni, so that I could fund myself. I then worked at the same time as studying.

I left uni and got a job. I saved hard and bought a house the same year I graduated.

My parents never financially supported me. They have money but taught me the value of it. Nor did they help me purchase my house.

During the time I lived at home, I didn't pay rent, but that's the only help they've given me.

I have 4 DC, aged 35-25. I have always said that I would support them until they graduated. DC no 2, moved abroad at 18, but the other three came home after graduating. I charged the nominal rent, which allowed the to save

DC1 got a job outside London, but the other 2 will always work in capital cities because of the nature of their specialities. A graduate salary does not go far in London - I know, I was there in the 70s! So I sub them 'pay day loans' at the end of the month - not every month - but it MUST be paid back next pay day, or, well, payday loans stop right there.

It works.