DH left me - I just wish I could stop hoping...

[Cassawoof]

My DH left me in September last year, many yrs together, 10 married, 2 DCs. No OW (no honestly, I really don't think so) but just a few years of being too caught up in jobs, young children, housework, both of us feeling the other didn't appreciate them, me being negative and we never made time for us and grew apart. He's also had a horrendously busy year at his stressful job with long hours - something had to give and it seems it was us. I've spent months hoping he'll come back but it's not looking like it, so I know I've got to look forward and not back and make a life for me and the DCs on my own.

I just feel absolutely devastated, I still love him. He is a good dad and was a good husband until the gradual decline of us together made him too unhappy. So I can't even hate him or get cross with him as I can see how it happened. I'm just so sad. I wish he could realise this is not unusual and we could get through it, but he says he doesn't love me anymore and so I suppose I just have to get on with it. I just wish the pain would go away.

I know the advice, and am trying, I'm just so lonely (DCs are lovely but not the same). Just support needed really.

Hi cassa

I found out my husband was having an affair in November and we separated end of November - I thought he was coming back but he isn't. All our friends and family were, and are, totally shocked, we were so solid. It does bloody hurt and I feel very sad. However I am now looking to the future for the sake of my children.

Please don't hang on if he has moved on... It will just make it hurt more. Try and get on with your life. I am not saying it's easy, some days I just want to hide under the duvet all day but my kids mean I need to get up and get on. I keep saying to myself 'I am their continuity, I am still here'. It helps.

It also helps to think I won't be this person in a year. I will be a better, stronger and happier person. I have to believe that for my sake and for my children. Good luck x

Do you mean September just gone? 2014? That's so recent. No wonder you are feeling like this. It's totally normal. It took me about a year to even feel remotely normal after my now ex left. I think you are being quite hard on yourself. It sounds like you are taking a lot of blame for everything that has gone wrong. . It's not your fault.

Just keep taking one small step at a time and things will get better. Something that really helped me was to redecorate. I did my bedroom purple... a colour he would have hated. It made me feel better to reclaim "our" space as my own.

Oh OP I'm so sorry, you sound very sad. Am sending hugs. I have recently gone through a very bad and unexpected breakup. It hurts like crazy but i have just kind of learned to embrace the pain, IYSWIM. Every now and then i have the odd 10 mins where i feel almost like my old self and i think "oh, i havent thought about him for 10 minutes". Apparently these moments just get more and more frequent over time, and it slowly gets easier.

If he's said that then yes i'm afraid you don't have any choice but to try and get on with your own life. Try to keep contact as minimal as you can so you can start to heal (i know its difficult with DCs). He may yet be back - 10+ years and 2 DCs is a lot to walk away from - but don't count on that.

Just try to get through the next few months and tell yourself that happy times will come again. And they will :) Sorry i cant give better advice. Hopefully others will be able to x

Yes Fairylea, Sept 2014. And thanks for the messages. Yes, it's easier sometimes when I feel stronger but it's very up and down. I'm lucky to have good RL friends who care.

Everyone else is surprised it's happened etc. etc. but it's the classic situation of him having made his decision and me only finding out when he's emotionally detached already. And I have to accept he probably can't and even doesn't want to try to undo all that. I am keeping contact to a minimum.

You are all right as usual - time just has to pass and I have lovely DCs to keep me busy.

Cassa, I know you want to believe that your DH has not moved on to OW when he left you, but it is a clear possibility.

Take some time to heal from the shock.

If you both agree to get back together, I can tell you my strategy.

I was allowed to work as hard as I needed/wanted from Monday to Friday. But I arrived home at 5pm on Friday evening and .... off we went to our caravan! Work was never mentioned or discussed until I arrived back in the brick house at 7pm on Sunday!

The strict balance between weekday work and weekends was essential for us. We knew when we were into our 'quality time' as a couple and made the most of it.

Been thinking about you Cassawoof and wondering how you are getting on? I totally understand the "he's already emotionally detached" thing. Pretty sure that what's happened in my situation too. So while its been a massive shock for me and ive spent months trying to take it in, he is already over it and has moved on. Hurts :(
Good youve got lots of RL support. Hugs xx

Thanks elsabelle. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Hope you are doing ok too.

It's just each day as it comes I suppose. Tuesday was bad (just stayed in bed, nice colleagues covered for me at work!)' today was better - got to work at least, and tomorrow I have a test for a new job! Let's hope I can focus on that.

If I can move on I can't lose - if he doesn't come back I've started the healing process, and if he sees the new confident coping me, and realises what he's missing, that would be good too - if I can forgive him for all this pain by then.

Thanks sad widow. That sounds like a good plan. Maybe next time eh

I'm bumping this because I am finally accepting this, but it's like I am now having all the pain and grief even though this has been going on for months. I am devastated and cannot cope. I can't get up in the mornings, everything is suffering, my work, my children. I'm on ADs but I'm not sure if they help. I'm having counselling and it sort of helps but then I just hit despair again.

I have tried to act like I'm fine - which just had H saying he thought I was getting some benefits from this to. I told him there are no positives for me or the children from this situation whatsoever.

I'm just a mess. I'm doing all the things I'm meant to but nothing makes it get any better.
I understand why he left, he just doesn't love me anymore, but it's so hard when I still love him. Sorry this is rambling.

I totally understand what you are going through, it's happening to me too!

Even having friends that are supportive I still feel very lonely. I hate the daily drudge, my DC are older than yours.

I have been living alone since November. Its a very lonely road.

I hope the days and the pain gets easier soon, never realised I could cry so much and sometimes over just spilling a drop of milk or the saucepan being put in the drawer wrong!

Sorry that you are going through this too

I know what it's like.

Have you actually divorced yet?

Thanks arty I'm sorry that you are going through this too. The children are a help, I couldn't bear not having them, but yes the drudge is endless and he has just been able to walk away from all that.

cozie No, just separated, neither of us have seen lawyers, or suggested mediation. I asked if we should make it more formal, but agreed there was no point putting artificial deadlines on things. I hoped this was putting off a more final step, in case he changed his mind, but it's final in all other respects - he's moved out, been on a date, doesn't miss me. I am accepting this is it?

I know that i now need to direct my energy to what I want to make me feel better. Problem is, it hurts so much and I am so sad and devastated I can't right now see what that would be other than him coming back, and that's not going to happen.

I sense that you're still living in a sort of half-world, Cassa. A mixture of fear, hope, despair, loneliness, Gawd Knows What.

And it sounds as if he isn't. (And why should he? You're looking after the DCs, still there managing things, and he can happily dip his toes in the water knowing that - at the moment - he can still run for cover if needs be. Sorry if that sounds cynical.)

I think I'd be making plans to divorce him directly. It won't necessarily make you hurt less in the short term but it will clarify your situation for you and enable you to start living properly again at some point. Sooner, anyway - I don't see how you can get on with your life when he's still very much there in the wings.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this OP.

How long have you been on the ADs? If it's more than a month and they're not helping, please see your GP again and ask to consider another type.

You could also self-refer for private counselling if you think that would help? Maybe it would help just to have someone to talk it all through with instead of having to put on a front?

Hi OP,
I'm going through very similar and feel like it's going to be a long road of pain ahead for me so sorry to hear you are also in this situation. My ex is a stepdad (not married) not dad so it's a bit different but.... it really fucking pisses me off when these guys just walk away from a woman and children without a care in the world. Can I ask how often he has the kids? Is he responsible for them? Is he ever their sole carer? Men never seem to have to experience that isolation that suddenly single mums feel. Maybe if they did they would think twice about leaving. Sorry I have hijacked your thread but I think it is so wrong when men do this. (I've also had some wine!) I hope he is being a responsible parent and that you are getting some time to yourself to find who you are again. If he isn't being responsible I suggest you drop the kids off with their daddy and you take a weeks holiday somewhere nice. Let him see what it feels like to be solely responsible for two small human beings.

Lots of hugs Cassa .

I am on day 1 on this journey and don't seem to know how to cope.

This is the time of the day that I prefer so here I am trying to stay awake as I hate the wakening , the gut wrenching and realisation again of yet another day of trying to get on with it....

No hijack is possible. I'm just glad if we can help each other.

He has them ever other weekend and is a good dad. But he just has the fun.

Anyway, I am sorry others are going through this too. I had a chat with my H today, and I've realised that need to let go, and move on. It easy to say but hard to do, but he didn't like the sad begging me, but liked it when I was in control and smart. Bit so so easy to do unless you are emotionally wrecks still, but see what you can do.

I wouldn't be too bothered what he likes Cassa. Its time to gain control. No more begging or letting him see you down. For a start he needs to do more than every other weekend. Sit down and decide how it could work with him doing more and then tell him what you want. For example, my friend and her ex split the week and he has the kids on Saturdays and she had them on Sundays. Unless he lives far away this arrangement of alternate weekends is only benefitting him.

You need to plan positively for your future without him. Even if he did come back tomorrow I don't see how you would trust him not to do this again.

Have a think , Is there anything you always wanted to do that you didn't ? Bungee jump, learn to play the guitar , travel? Focus on that.

I would also suggest starting the official separation process by seeing a solicitor to sort your assets out. I think making it official will give you control and allow you to start moving on.

Be gentle with yourself. Your heart is broken and needs to mend. It will take time but you will get through it and whilst you may not see it now, life will be food again. Better even than it was. But please don't let him see you weak. You are in charge of this situation now.

I meant good not food.

And I have to say it Cassa I would put money on their being a OW. IME men rarely leave without someone else being involved.

sorry Cassa and everyone else who is going through this. Do you have plans, even little ones, for the weekend?
I did the begging and crying with my ex too, I found it impossible to hide my hurt and distress. I suppose at that stage it's best not to see them at all.

Thank you undecided you make a good point about what he likes being unimportant. I have spent months trying to get him back, talking to him, friends talking to him, and worrying about what he thinks. it is time to take control. It's just hard because I feel angry (not that I've been angry with him) that he can cause me this pain and he doesn't care. I want him to suffer in the way he is making me suffer. But he isn't because this is what he wants. But I'm still expending too much energy on him.

I realise I posted at 2am when I got back in from a party...I didn't remember doing that this morning. Fortunately it nearly makes sense!

So H and I have had a chat. It's definitely over, I am now going to try to accept that. We agreed not to discuss our separation or what went wrong and go over the old ground again. I am going to stop fighting his decision. I had to fight it to know I had tried everything to save my marriage, but I have now done everything and nothing has worked.

So I'm going to try to take all the excellent advice on here and look forward.

I'm sorry charley and teaparty and theoldwiseone that you are going through this too. It is so hard and each day is a struggle. But thanks for the support, it's a help knowing you are not the only one.

And for the record, no OW - honestly. He's dating now but there was no-one else. Yes, he did just decide to walk away from his family and not try to fix it.

I'm going through the same Cassa, it's very much like a grieving process and you have to try and get through it the best you can.

My partner finished it a month ago, we have a 2yr old. Its not been easy 2 years, he's had cancer, our son had meningitis at 7 days old and the usual ups & downs and adjusting to a baby in your life and life in general. He just refuses to accept that life and relationships change when a child comes along and you need to make allowances and adjustments.

Anyhow, he wants his time back, time to be just him. The house is sold, which in turn has put me out of work as I run a business from home. No letting agents will rent to me & allow me to work from home, others aren't interested because I'm technically out of work. I've got no income coming in after the end of this month, currently no where to live in 4-6 weeks and a 2yr old to support.

Even though I still love him, all this is making me hate him as well which is making moving on a little easier I guess, but still very hard.

granville I'm so sorry to hear all that. Having to deal with work and housing issues at the same time as a relationship break-up must be horrendous, and when I guess this was not your choice. At least you have your DS (although I know 2 year olds are hard work). I have clung onto my children throughout this as the one thing I have, as they will stay with me.

Surely your partner has to make sure you and your DS have a home?

Big hugs, i could have written the original post. Exactly the same life took over, negative etc etc. He left last weekend and today is the first time we will see him when he will have dcs. I am also still hopeful but feel he to has already emotionally detached and its the thought if hurting the children that is keeping him hanging on.