DH left me - I just wish I could stop hoping...

[Cassawoof]

My DH left me in September last year, many yrs together, 10 married, 2 DCs. No OW (no honestly, I really don't think so) but just a few years of being too caught up in jobs, young children, housework, both of us feeling the other didn't appreciate them, me being negative and we never made time for us and grew apart. He's also had a horrendously busy year at his stressful job with long hours - something had to give and it seems it was us. I've spent months hoping he'll come back but it's not looking like it, so I know I've got to look forward and not back and make a life for me and the DCs on my own.

I just feel absolutely devastated, I still love him. He is a good dad and was a good husband until the gradual decline of us together made him too unhappy. So I can't even hate him or get cross with him as I can see how it happened. I'm just so sad. I wish he could realise this is not unusual and we could get through it, but he says he doesn't love me anymore and so I suppose I just have to get on with it. I just wish the pain would go away.

I know the advice, and am trying, I'm just so lonely (DCs are lovely but not the same). Just support needed really.

No, just separated, neither of us have seen lawyers, or suggested mediation. I asked if we should make it more formal, but agreed there was no point putting artificial deadlines on things

Just wondering if this is still the case? Was it him who suggested 'no deadlines'?

I ask because I don't think that's in your interest at all. It leaves you stuck in limbo. It's a bit like someone dying but not having a funeral. Divorce will be painful but it will help you to accept it's over and allow you to move on.

Why does he get to decide everything? He leaves but decides 'no artificial deadlines', sounds to me that he's suiting himself there. There's bound to be a reason he's doing that, divorce might be more expensive for him. So he keeps you in a holding pattern as long as possible.

nj sorry to hear that you're in the same position. If he has the DCs this weekend make sure you are not in the home on your own. It will be too hard. If he's still hanging on then maybe there is hope? I hope it works out for you.

I hope you are ok. I split from my husband in October but it was different for me and I do feel totally detached from him now emotionally.

Remember this, he left you because it was easy. He is now single and free, the stress of bringing up a family and having to support them is gone. He is selfish to put it simply.

Next he will have a girlfriend and you will have to get through that. But time is a great healer and one day you just won't care, I promise that day will come.

Cassa, no he doesn't have to make sure we have a home to live in. We're not married and the rules are a whole different ball game than that of married people. His only obligation is paying maintenance for his child.

Also in the same position - H just decided our marriage had run its course apparently. Not willing to try, he just doesn't love me. It's very difficult because he's moved on and I need to.

I do find that I feel better if I take control of something - contact a lawyer, take his name of the bank account, tell the council tax. Also if I go out with friends. there's nothing worse than sitting on your own in the evening - I've started the 30 day shred (may as well be toned and miserable!).

Fake it until you can make it I think.

Oh my H accused me of being bitter yesterday - too right! I had 24 years with him and I am bitter that he decided that he didn't love me anymore. Hope I don't feel like this for long though.

You come across as doing ok henrietta although I am sure you have good days and bad days like us all. One thing I have sworn to myself is not to be bitter or petty or self-pitying, and I've mostly managed. Of course the unjustness of all this gets to me, and the day to day running of the home, children etc that I now have to do on my own is hard. But my H's complaint was that I was negative and moaned about things (which I did) so now I have stopped.

It's such a slow process, I think I am doing better today, but I feel like my emotions are on a knife edge, one thing will just tip me back into despair.

I do have good days and bad days. yesterday was a bad day where I succumbed to a stupid email convo with H in an attempt to get answers.

Today I feel ok. I don't feel self pitying. I'm not sure if I feel bitter, or just angry actually. But I do feel angry that only one of us was in it for life and one of us has walked away

I don't know how to move on - I suspect time is the best thing. I look forward to the day where I don't spend much of the time thinking about my relationship and where I don't feel anything for H.

Henrietta my ex told me off for feeling sad and angry. You can't win really can you? Sad, angry, bitter because of them leaving without trying, then told off for feeling that way. Yes I too am looking forward to the day I stop thinking about him.

Charley

No - you can't get anywhere if you continue to engage. If you're sad and angry, you're criticized for 'negativity' or 'self- indulgence'. If you're happy and unconcerned, you're criticized for 'unacaringness' or 'self-indulgence'. Darn it - if you confess to supporting Manchester United or liking croissants you'll be criticized - for 'self-indulgence' probably!

The thing is to let as much as you can of it wash away - like tossing a leaf into a river and seeing it bobbing downstream. If they ask to talk about something unconnected with the DCs, just smile sweetly and say 'It's in the past. Things didn't work out' and move on to something else. There's no longer a relationship so no point in re-treading things in my view.

Oh - and there will come a morning where you wake up and say 'Well Good Morning ME!' Rediscovering yourself can be one of the great joys in this sort of situation.

I have been there too. Conversations where I tried to understand how it had got to this, tried to argue him round. In the end I sent an email saying what I needed to say. His reply was blunt, but I had to say those things and I'm glad I did. I spend much of my day with this all going round in my head constantly, but I'm hoping now I am trying to move on I too will be able to get some peace.

Good luck, Cassa. The day will surely come.

Give it time Cassa, your head will clear and you'll be in a better place. I think of few of us have a little way to go yet and get peace of mind.

Unfortunately when men have decided the relationship is over, they seem to instantly move on, physically & emotionally, or maybe they just shut out everything? But whatever you say will slide off their thick skins and have no impact I have learnt. It just falls on deaf ears.