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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant from affair...

30 replies

JustJules1234 · 05/01/2015 09:32

I left DH for another man 6 months ago. We have two young children.

There were problems in our marriage, and I fell in love with OM. I deeply regret not trying harder to save my marriage and am racked with guilt towards DH and DC to the point it's making me feel ill.

I've been living with OM for a few months and have just found out I'm pregnant.. OM is really happy but I'm totally confused. I would like to give my marriage another go for the sake of my DC, and DH has said the same. I do still love DH and he loves me.

OM is completely against abortion, he is also quite volatile, so it would cause untold damage if he were to know I had ended the pregnancy.

I'm really desperate.. I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones, or guilt, I've made some massive mistakes and can't see a way out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/01/2015 09:40

Does your husband post on mumsnet?

Original poster
JustJules1234 · 05/01/2015 09:41

Not that I know of...

OP posts:
newyear15 · 05/01/2015 09:49

You can't go back to your ex for the sake of the children. If OM is volatile then you do have to leave him though.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/01/2015 09:53

Exactly what New year said, You and your DH have to work it for you both as a couple, if your doing just for the DC then you will probably end up miserable and your DC will suffer.

With regards to OM, you should leave him and learn to be on your own, find yourself and why you had a affair, you might be able to find a way back to your DH.

With regards to your pregnancy, only you can work out what is best.

thisisnow · 05/01/2015 09:54

You must have left your husband for a reason? Maybe you haven't given it long enough to truly get over your separation and now you're pregnant it's just another thing to deal with really.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 09:58

You're going to have to deal with the 'volatile' OM first. You and your children are at risk and you've been pretty reckless moving in with such a person so quickly. So make arrangements to get out of that relationship as priority.

And I don't think you should be too eager to get back with your DH. I worry that you are trying to decide between a frying pan and a fire. Why did things break down in the first place? What were the 'problems'?

AnyFucker · 05/01/2015 09:59

Had you considered the 3rd option ?

spend some time on your own, without looking to have a man in your life at all

supersop60 · 05/01/2015 10:03

If you are not happy with OM then leave him, it's not too late. If he's volatile now, what will he be like further down the line? What you do with your body is up to you and no-one else. I agree with all of the above posts. Good luck!

AuntieStella · 05/01/2015 10:04

Feeling 'racked with guilt' seems to have gone hand in hand with discovering the grass isn't greener.

Self-flagellation to the point of making yourself ill really isn't going to help now.

It's never too late to start making choices that will bring you greater well being than other choices you made recently.

The first and most urgent thing is to get away from a man who is dangerously volatile. Where could you go? It is probably worth ringing Women's Aid for advice.

How far along in the PG are you? Do you still have time to make choices?

I think it would be wrong to even discuss going back to your ex at this stage. It really is in your interests to sort yourself out, get in an even keel, learn from experience and work out what you truly want in your future. You cannot do that whilst shuttling between two men, neither of whom made you happy.

Rebecca2014 · 05/01/2015 10:13

Have a abortion otherwise forget getting back with your husband.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2015 11:51

is the op of this thread your husband ?

elephants01 · 05/01/2015 12:05

This could get interesting.

Fairylea · 05/01/2015 12:08

You need time alone. The om doesn't sound very nice to be honest. Just the use of the word "volatile" makes me shudder. I don't like aggressive people, words or actions are just as bad as each other.

There were clearly things wrong in your marriage. You need to rediscover yourself and have time alone to decide what to do.

dorasee · 05/01/2015 12:18

Your DH posted, I am sure. I'd go home to mama and gave a good think. Your marriage would never survive what you've been through. You have forever lost what was. Aborting the baby, well I think that's just so sad...all because you lost your head over the OM now you want to go home to DH and eliminate this small inconvenience.
The OM is volatile but for heaven's sake, he is probably stressed out! You have presented each other with a very difficult and emotionally charged start to your new life together. And now you want to return home to DH...possibly with OM's baby thus ending his role as a father. Happy families. Ducks all lined up. Have you no feelings? Is it all about you and your needs? You made your bed, I'm afraid. Sad What a silly woman. Wake up and grow a pair.

supernaut · 05/01/2015 14:03

Sounds like a different case - number of children, time with OM and time from separation to pregnancy, etc.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/01/2015 14:57

Its not the same, OP said she had 2 DC with her DH and the man from the other thread said they had 3.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/01/2015 15:38

Well I'd say to firstly get your pregnant self away from the 'volatile' man!
Then get to your GP and discuss all your options.
Your body, something you have to go through so it's YOUR choice!
Then spend some time on your own and decide what you really want in life.
Then set some targets and goals to get there.

Original poster
JustJules1234 · 05/01/2015 16:17

No that's not DH!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/01/2015 16:40

it was just a simple question, and not unknown for people to change small details such as age and number of dc, for example

Joysmum · 05/01/2015 17:03

You left your husband because you didn't feel the marriage was enough, now clearly you're with Mr Wrong.

Personally I'd split from Mr Wrong for no other reason than that he isn't right.

If your husband isn't right either, the worst thing you can do to him and your kids is fuck with their heads 'for the sake of the children' or because you fear being self sufficient.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 05/01/2015 17:12

I think you need to be alone. Being in love with someone doesn't mean smooth sailing as you've realised. Getting back with your exh won't guarantee a happy ever after. Things went wrong before so who's to say it won't happen again?

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2015 17:15

Your body, your choice. If you feel threatened by OM, you need to report it. No one needs a 'volatile' man in their life! Nor should anyone keep and bear a child because they are afraid of what the father might do!!!

You say you 'just found out' about the pregnancy, so I assume you are within the timeframe to terminate if that's what you want. Do you really want to be tied to this volatile OM for the rest of your life? If you don't feel termination is for you but you don't want the baby, then there is the option for you to give the baby to OM to raise if he's so keen on being a father. Or for you to have a termination and tell him you miscarried. Yes, I know that's dishonest but needs must, etc.

I think you need, as AF said, to distance yourself from BOTH men. Your DH needs time on his own to decide what he really wants (just you, you and baby, or none of it!) and so do you.

magoria · 05/01/2015 17:30

I would say leave OM and be on your own for a good six months/year.

You and if he wants your H can work on repairing your marriage during this time and seeing how things go slowly.

It would be insane, very confusing and unfair for your DC for you to move back in with out sorting the problems that were there in the first place, working on yourself and getting rid of a volatile OM.

If it doesn't work they will be disrupted and upset yet again!

Hoppinggreen · 05/01/2015 18:05

You don't say if you want the baby OP, is the by reason you are keeping it because you are frightened of your current partner?
If so then thas really not a good reason

JohnFarleysRuskin · 05/01/2015 18:10

If you were going to leave him anyway, why on earth did you tell him you were pregnant?

Op, you have choices, plenty of them: if I were you, I'd leave, have a termination (if he is volatile is lie about it) and sort your head out. Don't rush back to your ex. Bouncing from fella to fella won't do you any good...