May I ask for some support? just left DP after he displayed unacceptable behaviour.

[ArghMIL]

Have another thread that I started for a different reason here. Ended up leaving DP but I'm finding it very tough and have no idea whether I should contact him to explain what I want but I know he needs to recognise for himself. I am just feeling a bit lonely despite my parents as all my friends were his friends first and apart from the one couple I went to when he said he didn't care any more I don't want to/can't get them involved. I remember thinking that was a bad idea when we got together.

His sister has just sent an email to me gushing about our wedding. She's lovely and I was looking forward to gaining another sister :( (different mother, same father so she's fairly normal! ) I can't reply. I don't know what to say.

Whatever your DP's problems allegedly were, however bad his mother was, the only thing that really matters was that his behaviour was making you miserable. The man was a bully and had no right to treat you the way you described. Doesn't matter what his mother does or doesn't do, like everyone else he has free will. He was capable of being pleasant with others which means he chose to bully you. Emotional damage is not carte blanche to be abusive.

So tell his sister that the marriage simply didn't work out. Tell his friends the same thing. Tell people you love and trust the absolute truth, get their support and spend your time with them instead. You will not be lonely for long. If there's any justice, he'll be alone for life.

Thanks cogito that was exactly what I needed to hear :) going out to visit my uncle and will be back later.

I am sorry for what you're going through. I just read your other thread. My XP was(is?) a lovely and sensitive fellow who has suffered greatly during his childhood through abusive behaviour from his mother who is schizophrenic (has been sectioned on several occasions).

I felt like you do - he needed love, and things would improve. To cut a long long story short, the occasions on which his behaviour to me was unacceptable became more and more frequent, he became more and more abusive after our two children were born. He also drank to extremes.

He does have a lovely side...I see much more of it now that we have split up, he has stopped drinking and at last takes responsibility for his own behaviour. But it's been a long road, and not one I would have taken if I had the choice!

Bottom line is: his behaviour: his responsibility. No excuses and no papering over cracks or walking on eggshells from you. No matter how awful his mother is, he is he one who needs to deal with it, to learn how to detach from it. You have to look after yourself. Good luck, stay firm. You are doing the right thing.

I used to be married to someone who conveniently had a mother who had died when he was a teenager leaving him with an alcoholic father. For years he used these sad facts as an excuse for slowly deteriorating behaviour towards me.... and, like you, I would think that he was just a nice guy with problems. Truth was, like your ex, he was a shit with a top quality back story.

Have a good time with your uncle. Remember 'it just didn't work out' is all the explanation you need give.

You should not be with someone hoping they will change.
This is who he is and you have decided that it's not for you. Well done.

Take your time to grieve the relationship.

I've just skimmed your other thread. You have so done the right thing by leaving. Focus on looking forward now - getting accommodation sorted out for closer to work and making plans to fill out your evenings. New gym / classes etc. You can be who you want to be and not just someone to appease him.

Plenty of people have had shitty childhoods and have taken steps to make sure they do not inflict any fallout damage on others.

Your ex I'm sure had his lovely sides - no-one is ever completely bad - but his belief system and behaviour towards you were unacceptable to you, and that is all that matters. You made a decision based on your own best interests: that is a great (if difficult) step to have taken.

Thank you all :) had a great time at my uncle's - I'm stuffed! I think the crunch point was Tuesday last week when I was having a great day (for once not in pain) and he was in a foul mood and I realised I was editing what I was saying so as not to anger him, which is ridiculous.

He has not been in touch at all. Squeegle something that you said about drinking rings a bell, he drinks very heavily. Christmas Day was awful due to MIL. He drank steadily all evening, from 3pm to 1am. I hate it when he drinks lots as I feel nervous, can't pinpoint why... I think because it's impossible to reason with him and he can get beligerant. I can never predict if he is going to be sweet or uncontrolled. I do wonder if he is heading for a breakdown. He has had a shit few years - His dad died, then he was bullied and forced out of work (in large part I suspect because he is foreign), then we were both in an accident and he received a head injury. All of which explains it but none of it excuses it, especially as he refuses to agree he has done wrong.

That is exactly what I felt like; his drinking made me very nervous. I stopped being myself and started being mrs nervy.
The sound of a can ring being pulled made me get butterflies or worst. I never knew what was going to happen.
It was no way to live....

So still no contact from ex. Had a phone call from my friend saying she thought he was very upset and that he had indicated he would seek help. I don't belI eve that until he tells me himself. He is clearly still expecting me to come running back. The longer this goes on the stronger I feel for myself. With the money I saved for the wedding I should actually be able to get a reasonable house deposit in 18 months and my parents have offered to loan me some if it will help.

I am giving him until Thursday to call and if he doesn't then I will call him and say I'll be back at the weekend to pack my stuff.

I have told my other close friend who was meant to be my other bridesmaid -friend who is trying to get us to reconcile was the first bridesmaid. I don't think friend A quite gets how damaging he can be. I am reading the patricia evans book. So much of it chimes with my experience. It is quite sobering.

Part of me wants the happy life bits that we had, just all the time. But the rest of me knows - based on experience - that he will always slip back into old habits.

The other thing is I'm so tempted to tell everyone what he is like, although I know that would be petty and bring me to his level. I feel like if I move away suddenly from our (large) friendship group everyone will think it was me/my fault and the thought of that makes me so angry when he is the one that instigated this.

Once the weekend is over and I have packed I will email our friends to let them know we have split up. I was thinking to keep it very brief and bland but I want it to come from me and not him when they next see him.

You don't have to shout about it, but I don't think I'd be lying either. You can be perfectly factual and only to the people that matter to you.
IMO, people should talk more about why they leave bad relationships that are not simply mismatches. Perhaps if we talked more openly about what we accept or not, less people would fall for the traps.

Hi OP, I'm guessing that a name change fail :)
I'm sorry he's messing with your head like this. Its really not fair. If he is telling the truth that he doesn't love you and has not been happy, but not to pack your stuff it begs the question exactly why he wants you to stay?

Is it because he doesn't want to be the bad guy? Has he directed all the messed up unhappiness from his mother onto you?

Who knows, to be totally honest, I'd run for the hills. I know you love him, but he has quite a few issues (anger, stonewalling, drinking, casting blame, etc) he needs to sort out - which he is refusing to do.

Pack up your stuff, go to your mums.

Reading back over your other thread. He's using you as an emotional punch bag. And if you have any DC he will most likely use them too. I'm sorry.

As Feck said, he wants you to stay as abusing you vents his rage/frustrations/emotions He would be using you only if you stay. He does not see you as anything other than a means to an end. Get out and find someone deserving of you.

When he said he wanted to marry you, he wanted to marry you. When he changed his mind, he changed his mind. If he had an ounce of integrity he would be honest with you but, given that you already know he is a shit, it's consistent that he gives you the 'I've not been happy for years' line. Be prepared for more surprises therefore.

With friends and family, tell a few selected people the full story. He is already out there peddling his version in which I guarantee he is not the bad guy. It is not stooping to a low level to tell the truth As the saying goes 'tell the truth and shame the devil'. Human nature being what it is, if you tell one or two people, the gossip mill will do the rest.

Good luck

Yes, NC fail. Have asked MNHQ to delete given that relationships threads are around forever.

I have already told some of our friends what he has done. They think he is an idiot. I am in so much pain from the injury and not sleeping last night. I cried a lot in front of him yesterday at being back in our, now his, beautiful house that held so much happiness. I nearly offered to have him back because I was struck by how much I loved him. Now I just feel awful and glad no one witnessed it apart from him. Thanks to him I have no home, little help (my job is too far away from my parents) and no medical care apart from a consultation I was paying for myself. It is the lack of help that scares me as I could very quickly get signed off. My friends would have willingly taken me in but they live here and have families.

I told him this morning that he is utterly vile to do this in this way to another person and behaving like his mum. Am tucked up on on the sof a waiting for my mum to get here whilst he has gone to the supermarket to get me more medication and some breakfast.

It may not feel like it at the moment but the truth of being rock bottom is that the only way is up. Without his behaviour acting like a millstone around your neck, you will eventually flourish. When you are reliant onnhim for nothing, he can take nothing away. May take some time and progress may feel slow but one day you may even be able to look back and wonder what you were so worried about.

True what Cogito says, OP, it's always darkest before dawn as they say.

I know the place you're in right now. You know it's not good, but you don't want to end up with nothing, so you change the goal posts to make it easier for him to "do the right thing", (eg you gave him 24 hours to apologise, then a few days, then if he gets counseling, etc).

Realistically your self esteem will be battered by constantly compromising yourself and him STILL not stepping up at all. That's not a supportive relationship. Don't sell yourself short.

I read your other thread, and I feel for you.

Why would he go NC on his mum? There is no real benefit to him in doing so. If he stands up to her, goes to therapy to deal with his issues, or goes NC with her, two things will happen:

1. He will have to admit that he has issues, and address his "problems" (that he does not see that he has)

1. He can no longer play the "poor abused man with a terrible upbringing card"

The problem I see is that he truly is his mothers son. The apple does not fall ... etc...

The current set up suits him perfectly. He has you on eggshells in his home, and in your home together. He gets to subject you to her, so you are doubly abused. He also gets the sympathy card from you, in that you pander to him, try to make things better for you, etc. 3-4 times per year he gets to treat you like shit, and I think you will find that this ties perfectly in with "the cycle of abuse", good periods following bad periods. And as you have discovered, he is acting differently with his friends, so he can control his behaviour, ie he chooses his behavior towards you, and he sees nothing wrong with it.
What do you have without his mother? An abusive and a controlling man. With his mother? The same, but her in the equation too.

In your shoes I would run a mile. Can you take some time off work to flat hunt nearer your workplace, but in easy commuting distance to your parents?

It is good that you are not married, and that you have no children together.
Can you imagine him with his moods caring for your babies, as a part time worker/stay at home dad? You and your future kids would be totally trapped. It is really good that you are beginning to see the light now.

Is your work in/near London? (Im in the SW area)

You all speak a lot of sense. I have been reading your words on an off all day. I have broken down in tears several times away from other people. I am a very controlled (although very happy, affectionate and spontaneous! ) person normally. I asked him to leave and he is staying at a friend's who is away ad lives in the next village so I have the house to myself. All my friends have been amazing, I feel like they will keep in touch.

There are so many things to think of and do and I am so tired. Postponing going to bed as it was so sad to lie there without him last night. He usually strokes my head or hip until I fall asleep.

Quint you talk a lot of sense about playing the victim. He has done that a lot this year, whereas before I had to practically drag it out of him. I had cold fear at the thought of him being a SAHD to our children... not least because then custody would be given to him. Would have been a shambles.

Not in london. I work in the Midlands and have sent a few emails out looking for places. My parents live 300 miles away from my work and ex and i lived also 300 miles away. I have clocked up some serious mileage in the last few years. We live in a high unemployment area so i had to "get on my bike" for work. I have never rented somewhere as a single tenant and paid all bills so I am not sure what to budget. At the moment I am looking at flat shares (spareroom.com) or to rent a studio by myself, how much should I be budgeting for bills on top does anyone know? Is there a good tool? I would not have TV, just Internet and a phone, water, electricity, heating and council tax. Not that fussed on heating either as I'm a firm believer in jumpers and hot water bottles. I have to say I am rather enjoying cranking the thermostat up to twenty and leaving all the doors open, lounging around the house at the moment in my pj's knowing full well I won't be paying the bill when it arrives

If you do a house share (which can also be good way of starting to get to know new people in an area that you haven't lived in before) you can generally get an idea of the cost of the bills, or it may even be included in the rent. It doesn't need to be very long term, but will give you time to get yoru bearings ect.

Cost vary, depending on the area, but its all doable.

Thanks. I think for quickness sake I will need a flat share first. I don't think our bills are representive as a) cheap area and b) a long j running bone of contention is that exDP thinks money grows on trees (he is from a wealthy family, I got EMA) so I think our bills were quite high. Also we had a 4 bed house. Council tax mwill probably be the killer as you can't change it by your own actions, but that is easily found out as an amount.

Smaller place - smaller bills, easier to run. And it will be your place! Onwards and upwards :)