May I ask for some support? just left DP after he displayed unacceptable behaviour.

[ArghMIL]

Have another thread that I started for a different reason here. Ended up leaving DP but I'm finding it very tough and have no idea whether I should contact him to explain what I want but I know he needs to recognise for himself. I am just feeling a bit lonely despite my parents as all my friends were his friends first and apart from the one couple I went to when he said he didn't care any more I don't want to/can't get them involved. I remember thinking that was a bad idea when we got together.

His sister has just sent an email to me gushing about our wedding. She's lovely and I was looking forward to gaining another sister :( (different mother, same father so she's fairly normal! ) I can't reply. I don't know what to say.

Sorry to ask - you didn't have a thread some time ago about your DP's apparent change in personality after the head injury, did you?

Not that it matters, because as others have said, he's an adult, and even if his changes are to do with his head injury, it's up to him to do something about it.

I think some of the things you wrote in your other thread, that he has said to you, show that he is happy to verbally abuse you as well. It might be learnt from his mother, rather than innate - but given that he has suffered from her abuse all his life, you would think that he wouldn't want to inflict that on you, the woman he supposedly loves.

In the end, he might love you but it's clear that he doesn't love you enough - and his opinion of you and respect for you is insufficient for a decent partnership between you.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through just now but can't help but agree with the PP who said that it's better than going through FAR MORE pain later down the line, possibly with children thrown into the mix.

Get away from this one and learn from it - especially that love doesn't cure everything, sometimes the lovee has to actually do something proactive to help themselves too. You couldn't love him any more, there is nothing you can do to help him. Remember the 3 Cs (they're probably here already but still):
You did not Cause this
You cannot Control this
You cannot Cure this.

It's his problem to deal with; it will only be your problem if you go back to him and allow him to continue to treat you with insufficient human decency - so stay strong and stay away. xxx

Thanks both. No thumbwitch that wasn't me.

Do I g much better today, quick update as need to shift! Nearly finished packing, feel much more positive about new life, hopefully have flat share lined up and will be looking at houses soon.

Quick question. In the pit of my stomach I think this is wrong and have told my mum so, but she said she has heard of couples splitting and the other half getting half the price increase even though they put no money into the house. I am walking away with the majority of the furniture I paid for and things to make up for what I can't take with me. I have also never heard of this with unmarried couples and the money was entirely his. The house has increased 20k in 2 years as it was a repossession m so it wouldn't be a small amount of money. He has it as some saving just matured so he has a lot of cash swilling around. Has anyone heard of this before? I have a very strong feeling it would be unconscionable but if everyone else does it? Is it a thing? I think if I asked for it j could kiss goodbye to an amicable relationship and I need that to be able to socialise jointly with our friends (who I value more than 10 grand I think!) However I only have a very small deposit for a house, that would double it.

I don't know if it's a "thing" or not, but if it's a mutual split, I think it's a reasonable thing to ask for/assume. In your case, as it's you walking away, I suspect that it wouldn't go down well - and it's not likely that you'd have any legal recourse to it, it would be down to his goodwill, I think.

But I'm not a solicitor, things might have changed since I split with my ex-F - the solicitor I saw then said I had no legal right to anything more than I'd put in, it was entirely down to his "goodwill" need to get me out of the house he wanted to move his new woman into that he gave me money for a deposit to move to a new place.

Pants. Thanks thumbwitch. I may have shot myself in the foot by moving everything into storage so quickly. I will definitely have huge out goings from the cost of moving, my mum has paid for travelodge etc. Then from a 1700 per month salary I will need to spend 633 on rent inclusive of bills, 140 storage, 30 a week food and try to save for a mortgage. He has two houses and about 80k in savings since some matured recently. I have 7k immediate access and 2k locked away, so of no use. We are from very different backgrounds!

I could explain at the weekend that this is costing me a huge amount and can I have a couple of grand to hep with the cost of moving as he doesn't want to reconcile (since I lost my dignity on Friday and indicated in tears I'd be willing to go back, idiot!). Also given the h is saying he has been unhappy for a year an I have spent 2k o the wedding in that time.

I will have a huge drop in quality of life. But a huge rise in my happiness!

Oh I think you could at least ask for reimbursement for the wedding costs - that would be reasonable.

As for the rest, well I think you'll have to just count your costs in happiness rather than actual hard cash. And so far you seem to be coming out better off! :)

And so far you seem to be coming out better off!

I think I will be in the end. I emailed our friends over the weekend and explained I would be leaving as ex had said he didn't care for me any more and asked me to leave (have told my bridesmaids, so closest two friends about his behaviour but didn't think it was appropriate in that email). I also sent a copy to him so he could see exactly what I had said. Was very factual and have had lots of horrified emails and calls.

I had been keeping track of all the expenses in a spreadsheet. The only thing I hadn't added in was alcohol but I have swapped £200 of that for John lewis vouchers he had. The rest I will happily drink! I also have £300 spa vouchers that we recently cashed in from a joint points account. Maybe I won't ask for anything, because I don't want tit for tat to start. He is giving me an old set of quality cutlery we had. I will be very sad to lose my coffee set though (gift to both of us from his mum) but I darent ask for it as he loves it as much as I do.

Sorry for typos, on the train to work (took a half day) and it's quite bumpy!

thumbwitch and I should have said I'm sorry to hear about your story and ex... I know all men aren't bastards but it does seem a higher proportion of men than women treat the partnership as disposable commodities.

The partnership = their partners

Oh that's ok - it was painful at the time but OMG I am SOOOO much better off out of that relationship! Not financially, but in every other way, including the MIL. And I had my own home out of it, which I otherwise probably wouldn't have been able to afford, so I can't repine! It's a long time ago now...