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Original poster

Ex dictating

52 replies

Misunderstood69 · 03/01/2015 21:40

I have met a man fell in love been together for about a year he has 2 kids and so do I ... He has them every other w/e and every single Sunday night and Monday night takes them to school mon and tues as his ex decided to take a job miles away ... She didn't want kids to meet me but we still met and after a few weeks his kids decided they wanted their dad to themselves and so he told me he would spend the time with his kids alone , no regard for how I felt or my kids !, he just answers to his ex all the time she wanted rid of him as she wanted a family friend yet he has to go school evenings etc with her so it all looks good seems she wants her new life but also him on a string , he now says he wants me and my kids to spend time with his kids well I have said no!!! Wasn't good enough 5 months ago ... He saying he regrets making that decision ?? And things change but why should they change because it suits him.. I love him wanted to be with him but it's like he spend so much time with me then he goes home for few days then he comes back again why should I just sit there and wait!! With his ex there is always gonna be summit I mean these kids are 12 and 14 and she isn't gonna let him have a life until they grow up even then she is still gonna want it all to look good. He says he wants to live with me! I cannot see how that is going to ever work with the way she is and the kids want their dad alone besides which our kids would have to share rooms and my kids have been through enough and his kids have their own rooms at home.. I feel like my life is on hold I hurt all the time just not sure what's for the best anymore ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 00:47

Trouble is I love him care for him but if I truly sit back and look it isn't going to work .. Just letting him down gently not going to be easy..

OP posts:
Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 00:51

He takes them for days out! I'm saying he uses all his holiday to look after them half term 6 weeks etc so has no holidays for himself yet she takes the one week then has the rest when he has kids...

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Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 00:54

Yeah she has moved on with her new bf and still getting him to do as he is told .. Has her cake and eat it I guess.. But then like most people have said he has a choice and therefore it's down to him...

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Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 01:02

Why do you keep coming back to what she does?
It's irrelevant.

He has them 6 days in 14, her 8 by the sounds of it. So 52 extra days. So if she takes a two week holiday and a couple of weekend breaks without them, she still has them more than him.

If he books them into holiday club for a week, he can use that week to go on holiday himself a lather time.

He CHOOSES not to. That's not her fault. I don't understand why you're so hung up on criticising her, when it's his choice.

Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 01:04

She. Is. Not. Getting. Him. To. Do. Things.
He is choosing to!!!

Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 01:07

He actually has the kids more than her other ppl help out too!! It's a weeks holiday she takes them on.. I'm just saying if things stayed as they should without her interference there would be less of a problem .. But like I said it's down to him!!! And it's down to me whether I want the hassle or not! Guess this site has given me the answer...

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Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 06:55

Do you still have to do the school run when your kids are 12 and 14????

Anyway it is up to him when he has his kids and you don't approve.

Now he says he would like his kids to be part of your life as a couple and I would have thought that was a normal development at this stage of your relationship.

mynewpassion · 04/01/2015 07:07

Leave him.

This is just giving you and him headaches.

Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 09:52

It's not that I don't approve at all! he is told when he can have them if he says he doesn't think he can do it the answer he gets is you don't want the kids to think you don't want them !! He then in turn just drops what he is doing ... He has to do the school run as the mums job is miles away and he lives few miles from their school .

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Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 10:22

Have you actually spoken to him about it?
How long were they divorced before you met? Did he actually have a problem with it?

It seems perfectly reasonable that he does the school run. She's off to work - not a spa!
Are you the only one that has a problem with it, not him?

fedupbutfine · 04/01/2015 10:29

You know, my ex is a fecking useless human being. He always was, just took me a while to see it (rose-tinted glasses and all that!). But he's strong - to the point of abusive but he knows (usually) how to walk the line. I wouldn't in a million years contact him and tell him what to put in packed lunches or suggest he shouldn't introduce the children to his girlfriend or anything else. I wouldn't do it for two reasons: a) it's non of my business (and it can take a while after separation to realise that); b) he wouldn't listen and would more than likely shout at me, write me an abusive e-mail/text and/or cause problems in front of the children.

Ultimately, my ex and his relationship with his children is his responsibility. My relationship with my children is my responsibility. We have our own lives and our own parenting styles. The children are able to adjust between us and our expectations (in the same way that children adjust to several different teachers a day in high school). As other's have said, the problem is him, not the ex.

Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 10:35

I don't have a problem at all with the school run or him having his kids... she had a job locally he did help out then too ..she chose to take a job miles away and he now has to be late for work .. Because if he doesn't she makes him feel bad.. We have spoken about all of it but I just said you do what you have to do and what you want to do .. Thing is I suppose I just need to get on with it and what ever will be will be.. Just don't want to waste my life on something that is never going to be!!

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Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 10:45

"Help out"?
He didn't help out, he parented.

He has to be late for work? Do you mean, she took another job and his job was more flexible so he chose to change his hours? He can't just be turning up late regularly, surely?

Again, you seem to be making this all the fault of the ex, but I wonder if it is. It might be - there are some awful people out there! But again you're saying what bad things she has done, when he seems quite happy. But as an aside, as PP said, they're old enough to take themselves to school.

Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 10:47

I think when you spoke to him and said "you do what you have to do" it was a mistake. If you want your relationship to work, you have to be honest with him what the impact of him being a wet fish is (if he is) - that you won't stay around for it.

Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 11:21

Not at all who am I to stand in the way of what they both want as parents .. It's best I stay well out of it and not voice my opinion , I need to just concentrate on my own family , which again is another story as he wants to be a part of my life family in every sense .. It seems it's all one way!!

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Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 11:34

How can it possibly be right not to voice your opinion?!!
You said upthread you think that couple's should share everything, discuss everything Confused

You come across as resenting his reactions to his ex (click fingers, jump) - you can't ignore that, it will fester.

You also seem to be saying he is pushing things too fast with you.

If you can't talk to him about both those things, this will fail.

Tbh, I'm just confused now about what the problem is and what you DO want!

Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 11:37

We have discussed everything I just don't want any involvement in his other life !! I just want a quiet peaceful life never going to have that with his ex ... I guess it's just not going to work !!

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Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 11:42

I suppose I'm confused because I just don't get how she is causing you not to have a quiet life Confused I just can't see from your posts what she's actually done that impacts you.

Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 11:49

Because we have plans etc and they have to change on her say so else it means the kids will think he doesn't want them.. she is always emailing him telling him off!! Texting ringing always a problem ... Same as Xmas he thought they would do the same as last year she said well we have family coming over so u can have then sat and sun that can be your xmas day Boxing Day!! And will ask the kids what they think and when he collected them he said to the kids in front of her it's fine if you want to spend those days at home but I would like to see you like last year on Boxing Day she cut him dead and said it's not appropriate to chat to the kids your making it awkward for everyone.. but it's fine for her to ask them ?? And who is she to tell him the days he can have if they co parenting should be shared and no matter what family are visiting that's their dad and he should come first..

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Starlightbright1 · 04/01/2015 11:52

I think you are involved with the wrong man here for you. At 12 and 14 they do get a say if they are bothered...Yes he uses his holidays to care for them however that is time he could take them abroad.

I have read this thread and really can't see what he is doing that is so wrong.. You are fixated on what their mum is doing where it seems to go over Dad's head and he does his thing.

Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 11:54

Not fixated at all it's just all her way but that's down to him !!!

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Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 11:57

That's a bit clearer!
I was just coming back to the thread to say I'm sorry that I must seem like I'm hectoring you! But it wasn't clear.

Again though, the problem is with him.
And you telling him he just should do what he wants to is not helping you at all.
Personally, he sounds weak and it's all too much hassle so I'd not bother with him.
But the very least I'd do is sit him down and tell him that I couldn't have a relationship where my plans were changed by him not sticking to his own plans. And note my emphasis there. The problem is not the ex changing things, it's him not managing that.
Even the Xmas thing - he just thought it would be the same.
I am the ex that is muttering to myself, "fucksake, why do I have to organise everything?"!!

Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 11:57

He cannot afford to take them abroad as she has the house so he rents and he pays child maintenance as he should ! So not much left every month ..

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Original poster
Misunderstood69 · 04/01/2015 12:00

When he does be proactive and say can I have them on certain times etc she doesn't budge at all!! He says what can I do ..

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Cabrinha · 04/01/2015 12:05

And - sorry! - I'm with her over the Christmas conversation.

It is totally appropriate for a parent to ask a 12 & 14yo about plans.

It is not appropriate for a parent to put them on the spot on the doorstep with "well you can do what you like, what had already been agreed with you, but I'm now going to make you feel guilty and torn right in front of the other parent by saying I want something different".

If that were my ex, I'd be cross and think him a cock.

Why didn't he contact her at the beginning if December to say "what shall we do this year, I'd like xyz".

She shouldn't be texting, calling, emailing... But my own situation with a lazy, weak, stupid ex pushes me towards sympathising that she feels she needs to!

Has he actually told her to stop with it all? Disengaged and not answered?
It seems he has 50/50 care and the boys are quite old. I'd be surprised if he had to worry about them thinking he doesn't like them.

He should set his boundaries and stick to them, and you shouldn't say "do whatever you want love" when you don't actually mean it! (And I'm not surprised you don't!)

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