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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hes finally gone!!!

33 replies

Errrmmcantthinkofone · 03/01/2015 20:01

My horrible bastard of a ex has finally gone and left us.

We had been together 5yrs. The last 2 have been hell.

He has mentally emotionally and pysically abused me. He has put me down so many times my self esteem & confidence are in bits. He has left many times before but i always begged him to come home as i thought i needed him and he would be a prick so it was easier to be with him and put up and shut up.

My mental health has suffered so much i have thought about suicide but couldnt leave my dcs.

I have nearly had a breakdown this last week with him enjoying every minute, he had caused a row and left home and turned it back on me.

I cant take anymore, if i let him carry on i will breakdown and i would loose my dcs. They are the only decent thing i have.

I no the house will be more chilled out no more walking on egg shells.

I just need to sort out the practical side of things now. Im sad (a little bit) but thats for how things could have been. I feel calm and releived.

OP posts:
lemisscared · 03/01/2015 20:03

Flowers your life will get a little bit better each day

AltheaVestrit · 03/01/2015 20:05

Good for you, Errrm.

Have a look at the Freedom programme. You can do it online, or you can attend a course. I think they're run by Women's Aid. Just to make sure you can spot a shit at a hundred paces in the future.

2015 is the start of the rest of your life.

Flowers
Original poster
Errrmmcantthinkofone · 03/01/2015 20:34

Thanks.

Im going to go to the chemist monday and collect my prescription for anti depressants, i had been taking them recentley but ex told me i was a nut job for needing them. I will pick them up & start taking them everyday. Im also going to get some vitamins aswell.

The drs offered me counselling, which i turned down but i think it would help me now.

Why do i feel so calm?!?

OP posts:
ChristinaMatthews · 04/01/2015 05:21

Because the source of your distress has gone. Rejoice and take up that offer of counselling. A brand new life is ahead of you Flowers

Original poster
Errrmmcantthinkofone · 04/01/2015 07:11

Ive been awake for the last couple of hours, i cant sleep i feel sick & panicky. Im stressing about getting to work and dcs to school next week. I have no transport, his brother was using my car and i was using exs but now i have no car cant get mine back as its not in my name. He also rang me i have got to start paying him some money back otherwise hes going to take things out the house. This is why i would take him back.

OP posts:
davejudgement · 04/01/2015 07:15

Money back for what exactly?

davejudgement · 04/01/2015 07:18

Just being practical here, but what is the situation with your home? Owned or rented - and how is it set up?

Original poster
Errrmmcantthinkofone · 04/01/2015 07:25

Christmas, i have agreed to pay him weekly.

House is in my name all tax credits ect are in my name always have been, he never wanted to officially be here, so ive had to take care of everything food utilities house etc he then bought or paid for the bigger things only now it means i have no car and im in debt to him.

OP posts:
davejudgement · 04/01/2015 07:27

Good, you can change the locks, in the meantime leave keys in doors so he can't get in whilst you are there.

Who paid for your car?

Original poster
Errrmmcantthinkofone · 04/01/2015 07:30

He did.

I have checked entitled to and i would be so much worse off on benefits, i need to work i want to work. Im panicking about getting us all where we need to be and on time.

OP posts:
davejudgement · 04/01/2015 07:37

Ok, you may well have to write off the car. Would I be right in thinking you were picking up the majority of the household running costs? If so let him sing for the money you owe him, you need it for DC's.

He's left but my guess is he will be back as evidenced by you saying he's done it before. He expects you to beg and plead otherwise he wouldn't bother ringing you up about the Christmas money.

He's a nasty piece of work you don't want back and he will up the ante once he realises that you are serious.

Do change locks and gather all his things and get them out of the property, call police if he kicks off and scares you.

Do you have other real life help with practicalities such as transport etc?

Stay focused on keeping him out, you really will feel much better as you know you can't continue living like this, for the sake of your DCs as well

davejudgement · 04/01/2015 07:39

Forgot to ask, are the DCs his?

Original poster
Errrmmcantthinkofone · 04/01/2015 07:47

One dc is his. So unforntunatly i cant go no contact, but he did say he would arrange for one of his family members to contact me re access for his ds.

OP posts:
Eastpoint · 04/01/2015 07:53

You've got all today to sort out the important things like getting your children to school & you to work. Do you need to drive them to make sure you get to work on time? Have you got any friends you can drop dcs with early? Is there a breakfast club at school they can go to once school is back?
It sounds as if you will be much better off without him now you have made this first step.

PedantMarina · 04/01/2015 07:53

YY to him singing for "his" money. You've been paying most/all of the household expenses, so it should at very least even out.

Changing the locks yourself is easier than most people think! Try it at least once in your life - you'll feel so empowered. All it needs is basic tools and somebody trusted to stay in your house when you take the internal bits out and dash down to the nearest DIY place to get new ones.

As to car, whose name is on the title? There's also the concept of the regular user, which DVLA takes into account, but I agree with others that that may well be a write-off. Would it be feasible for you to get finance and buy one?

As you say there has been physical abuse in the past, please do consider reporting him to the police (and bear in mind that some of the emotional abuse can be of interest to them now, as well). Right now you're on an adrenalin high (I can hear it in your writing!) and that's OK, but when you crash, especially if it coincides with him getting demand-y or conciliatory, you're at risk of caving in on all that good resolve you've got now. Making his abuse official - even if nothing else comes of it - can help you to stay strong. Also, it will help you down the line, particularly if he tries to pull any stupid stunts going forward.

Best of luck. Stay strong, stay safe!

gamerchick · 04/01/2015 07:54

Just take a breath. He's calling all the shots atm and he doesn't get to do that . He's still trying to keep you under control.

Don't give him any money. You have a child to him.. what is the CM agreement?

Tell him if he starts to take stuff out of the house you'll ring the police and have him removed.

Why are you paying him back for Christmas?

Ehhn · 04/01/2015 07:59

Stop stressing about getting to work. Phone your boss on Monday morning and explain your situation (re no car - maybe about husband leaving if you have that sort of openness) and ask if you can have one or two days' unpaid leave. Look at a taxi for kids on Monday morning, expensive but a one off. Or call round any school contacts, and check the bus/train timetable. Are there school buses in your area?

Then spend Monday and Tuesday sorting the rest out. Change the locks, make a budget for all Incomings and outgoings - and look into getting a second hand car - even In The South, private sales means you can get a decent enough car for £800. Or look at financed second hand cars through the dealership, which can be as little as £125 per month. Speak to CAB as well.

You already pay all the really important stuff! This means it's only some extras (car) that you have to stretch to find. That man as a cock lodger as well as a bully and abuser. You will sort this stuff out and you will cope, even if you guys have to cut back massively and live on porridge, pasta and veggies and cancel all extra activities for a few months. Even that will be one million times better than limiting in a cloud of fear and abuse.

Good luck.

PedantMarina · 04/01/2015 08:00

Just re-read your thing about who paid for what. Definitely don't give him another penny. And if the arrangement had been that you pay for all the day-to-day and he pays for the big stuff, and here you are without the main "big stuff" (i.e. your car), you've probably got a case for demanding the car. All that said, a clean break is probably better, but just to put into sharp relief that you don't owe him a farthing. Stay strong on that, at least.

Original poster
Errrmmcantthinkofone · 04/01/2015 08:07

No friends just people i say hello to and work colleagues. We can walk to school its just easier with a car, we can set off abit later, doesnt matter about the weather etc.

The car is in his name so i have no claim to it (he has got other vehicles he could lend his brother so theres no reason i cant have it back other than him saying its his car and im not having it.

No chance of finance or a loan, really crap credit rating.

Ive got to pay him back for christmas he said so, i want to pay him off so he cant keep using it against me. I just want him gone, if i had the money i would pay him off in full just so i dont have to keep hearing it.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 04/01/2015 08:11

For Christmas?? Sorry?

Look - if it wasn't this he was harassing you for it would be something else. Tell him you'll pay him off for Christmas once he returns your car and fills in the form to transfer it into your name.

He's testing your boundaries. If you have none you'll have this shit for the rest if your life.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/01/2015 08:20

You don't have to pay him back at all. Just say no. What is he going to do? If you change the locks he can't get it and if he does get in he's a burglar and you report him to the police.

scottybeammeup · 04/01/2015 08:25

Do not take his shut and empty threats. If he has left you with the children and all the expenses of running a home and family there isn't a court anywhere that is going to "make" you pay him back. He can sing for it. Change the locks if you are able. Whatever you do don't let this vile excuse of a man back in. He will never change and you will just become less and less "you" trying to keep him happy and avoid confrontation.

If you can walk to school then walk. It may not be as convenient as driving but as long as it's possible then it's not a huge problem. Are you also able to walk to work? Or get a bus? Or a lift from someone? I am sure if you reach out to people and tell them you are on your own someone will step in to help.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 04/01/2015 08:30

DO NOT GIVE THIS MAN A PENNY

you have had some really good advice on this thread I can only repeat that you change the locks, don't let him back in and I second what Ehhn said.

Can you get the lock changed today?

Original poster
Errrmmcantthinkofone · 04/01/2015 08:32

Your right if its not xmas money it would be something else.

I am just so worn down with it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Errrmmcantthinkofone · 04/01/2015 08:35

Hes not got any keys, so his threat of taking stuff out the house would mean getting somone to break in anyway. I always have doors locked when im in the house, but i will change the locks just in case.

I just need to fast forward 6months just so i can at least no that me and dcs are going to be ok.

OP posts: