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Original poster

Cut my losses?

32 replies

LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 10:08

I'm fighting a strong urge to end things with my boyfriend of 5 months and I don't know if I'm being hormonal or if I have a point.

I wouldn't usually put anything down to to being hormonal, I've never been one to suffer for PMT but I am trying a new birth control and I have found the last couple of periods to be very emotional.

Reasons I don't want to dump my boyfriend...

First four months were fantastic
Lots of chemistry
Very compatible ITO views on life and future goals
Lots of fun
Great sex
We've had v similar experiences in our previous relationship and seem to understand each other's fears and vulnerabilities
He's generally really thoughtful and tactile and makes me feel great
He hasn't met my DD yet but we often speak of this happening in the future. He initiates a lot of this. He talks as though he wants a future. He even bought her a little Xmas present

Bit of background...He has had a horrendous time at work during this last month. He has an stressful job and only had one day off over Christmas. He is under a lot of pressure and also has been ill during the last week.

Understandably, communication and number of meet ups has really decreased. We used to send several texts during the day and speak most nights. At least one of the two nights DD is with her dad would involve an overnight stay for us and a couple of times a week, he would come over to see me, even if it was only for 20 minutes

Last 3/4 weeks, we've seen each other once a week due to his work. He rarely messages during the day now but I send one nice message most days because he told me it makes him smile. We tend to have a little conversation most nights when he's got home late. I'm trying to be supportive and not add to the pressure on him.

This situation is going to remain like this for another 5 weeks

Reasons I am thinking of dumping him...

I can't tell if the lack of contact is busyness or growing ambivelence

He doesn't have time to say hi to me but he does check facebook

The other week, we had a few glasses of wine, he was telling me how much he appreciated my support, how wonderful the last few months had been and how wonderful I am. I told him I was falling inlove with him. He said he wasn't ready to say that yet as its a massive step for him but that he thinks the world of me bla bla bla.

There have been opportunities over the last couple of weeks to stay over after work but he has opted to go home and sleep in his own bed to get sleep (maybe I'm being really pathetic there).

I feel like it's all one sided the last few days but wonder if that's because I just need to be supportive?

Last night I went out with friends. About 1am, my friend and her husband rowed and I lost them. I was in a town I don't know very well and needed to get to their house. I was a bit stumped. I sat down to call them and Whatsapp other friends to find out where they are. I saw he was online so messaged him and told him what was happening! Not as a damsel in distress flare but more of a "FFS! Listen to this" message. He just said "be safe" and hasn't messaged to find out if I got home Ok.

I have discovered that he has hidden his POF profile but not deleted it

I just think self preservation might need to kick in here. Thoughts please?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2015 10:31

My view is that if a new relationship isn't making you happy any more, it's to call it a day. So what if he's got work commitments or whatever? People are perfectly capable of doing more than one thing at once. It all sounds rather lukewarm and half-hearted on his part. Nothing to do with hormones Hmm

Guiltypleasures001 · 03/01/2015 10:42

Sorry op it sounds like he might be lining up his next gf before jumping ship, leaving you out on your own and saying be safe is shit and a slap in the chops. With out all the other stuff that's ruth dumping for on its own.

As we always say you deserve better, he's deliberately trying to get you to dump him Thanks

Joysmum · 03/01/2015 10:47

Sounds like another relationship that is only good in the good times. Sad

Nomama · 03/01/2015 11:01

OK. So YOU don't feel it for him any more, now that he is busy with work/life?

He has said you are special to him, but that talking about love now is a bit quick.

He has hidden his POF but not deleted it.

You went looking for his POF account....

Yes, you are not a couple yet, you are in the honeymoon period, you may or not make it permanent.

He has every right to have his POF still, you have every right not to enjoy the relationship when it is less full on. You were less reasonable, maybe, in going to look for it - that being the only way I can think you 'discovered' that. Or were you on to hide your own???

To say he is lining up another GF is daft, OP has said he is busy. They aren't married, home owners, parents, they are bf/gf, for a few months.

If he wants out he can just say so. OP can also say that it is over, especially if she really doesn't like the current lack of attention. But to start all that OTT conspiracy crap is daft.

OP, it is put up or shut up time. You know his reasons for not being with you much. You know how long it will last. If you can't wait, tell him and move on. It really is that simple. No need for histrionics, doubts, suspicions etc. Just decide what YOU want.

Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 12:11

Opinions on both sides then.

Namona...that's not the case. I am into him. Very much so, I have tried to be supportive and stay in the background while he does what he needs to do but I am afraid of it becoming one sided and getting hurt. It's been a tough couple of years. But then he is the same.

Until now it's been lovely with no issues, save a minor confusion in the first two months which we talked about. We said at the time, we'll always be honest and talk things through rather than jumping to conclusions.

In light of this, I text him earlier to ask him to pop round after work for a chat. I thought that phrase would make it clear I needed to talk?

I got this in response...."you're more than welcome to come and stay at mine tonight if you're not too tired. It would be lovely to sleep with you xxxxx"

Now I'm wondering if I'm just barking and whether I should say anything at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 12:18

And yes I went looking for his POF account. I deleted mine two months ago. We didn't discuss it, I didn't need to at the time. His was still there but had been inactive for over a month. I checked yesterday. It's now hidden which means you can't see if tree has been activity. I don't know how I feel about that

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2015 13:02

You're lovely to sleep with...... Hate to say it but I think that's your job description. A service provider rather than a partner.

Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 13:33

It does sound like that doesn't it? But then I really haven't had that impression before and I am by nature more guarded usually. Last week when we hadn't seen each other much we did the same thing, met up when he finished at 11pm, went to his and made a midnight feast the watched a film in bed. It was actually the first time we didn't have sex and we slept cuddled up all night. I really didn't feel like a service provider.

But I do suddenly feel very insecure and would hate that to be true

OP posts:
Windywinston · 03/01/2015 13:39

If this is your first hurdle as a couple, it's time to test how good this relationship is, by talking. Tell him how you feel, it's ok to voice concerns in a relationship. How he responds to them will tell you whether it's worth sticking around or not.

His text isn't great though, it might just be his manner of speech, but it's very telling that you say you want to talk but all he mentions is sleeping with you.

Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 13:54

To be honest I didn't interpret his text as being about sex, I took it inline with other things he says about how he likes falling asleep with me when we just cuddle up and
Chat and how he always says it's lovely waking up with me etc. Quite corny.

When we've not been able to see each other much as he has been working 9am-11pm most days, we have tried to make time for a "sleepover" as it's a way to see each other.

But actually in the last week or so, we haven't really done that as he has preferred to go home and go straight to bed.

But yes I am confused as to why he's decided to ignore the request to just meet for half an hour to "chat"

OP posts:
Handywoman · 03/01/2015 13:56

My guess is he doesn't really know how he feels about you yet so has ignored the request for a 'chat' and is inviting you round instead. Doesn't mean you can't have a chat though.

What will you do?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2015 13:58

Are these sleepovers usually at his place?

Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 14:15

Mixed. Mostly at his as I live with my sister so it's easier to sleep at his usually. He does come round here fairly often.

I guess, I'll have the chat and if it goes well, stay and if it doesn't come home.

But what hat am I having? I hate this

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 14:17

I'm not a very good talker when it comes to feelings. He is far better.

I also don't want to complicate it. I just want to know I'm not putting this effort in for nothing. If it's equal, I'm happy to bumble along for the next month and see what happens.

If he couldn't care less, then i don't want to

OP posts:
Handywoman · 03/01/2015 14:21

Fair enough, OP. I think your chat needs to be quite direct. Hope you move forward.... Thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2015 14:35

The synopsis is that the relationship feels one-sided, your declaration of love isn't reciprocated and you are taking a lower priority in his life than you did originally. This is making you feel insecure. You are expected to offer support and slot in around his work schedule but when you need help, none is offered. Finally, a request to talk is met with a reply that could be interpreted as an offer of a booty call, supported by the pattern that you tend to sleepover at his. When he goes home from your place to get some sleep have you had sex beforehand?

If you chat I think it's one of those 'where do you see this going?' conversations. If you want a partnership etc and he wants something casual and convenient that fits around his other priorities best to find out early.

Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 14:39

Ugh the dreaded "where is this going?" I hate that!!

If he comes to mine and doesn't stay over we don't usually have sex. There are usually people around, my sister included. We tend to cook, have a glass of wine, chat, be affectionate but no sex in those circumstances

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 14:40

I'd say that is a pretty good but brutal summary cog

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 14:40

And thanks Handywoman

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2015 14:56

You may want to phrase it differently but it's important to be assertive. Everyone wants to do nice things for a partner and be accommodating but, if you are too keen to take whatever is offered and not demand more, then all you'll ever get is contempt and being taken for granted. I don't know what he does for a living that is so all consuming but, if you want someone more attentive who gives you higher priority then say so.

Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 16:25

The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am that I have been being so supportive (and I really have, he is constantly talking to me about stuff) and he can't even muster up a "did you get home ok?"

I think that's going to be the starting point of my chat. Because that's what it boils down to. I care, he's ambivelent

OP posts:
HanselandGretle · 03/01/2015 16:45

Does he have kids OP? Sounds a bit like you are at different stages. I don't think you can lay any claims on him re the online profile, five months is a while and if it were me I'd like a guy to have deleted his by now but sounds like he is keeping his options open. He's not making any promises, not doing anything untoward, but something in you is getting antsy about how unbalanced it feels. It's your instincts playing a part here, perhaps not anything he's actually done.
'Stay safe' under those circumstances was a bit 'meh' but then the context is you said it in a way (from what you described) that didn't warrant him jumping on his white steed and coming to the rescue.

I think he's cooling off but is still happy to have you in his life, but would hazard a guess 'the talk' won't be welcomed by him.

Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 17:28

No he doesn't have kids. He Was cheated on by an ex wife who did have kids. He misses them and has spoken of how he really wants them. Takes a massive interest in my DD.

I'm so sad the general consensus is that he is cooling off. I really do feel a lot for him

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLoopsylover · 03/01/2015 17:32

I didn't expect him to come and get me, but if the shoe was on the other foot id have wanted to make sure he was ok.

That's what I have been doing for the last few weeks while he's been stressed

OP posts:
HanselandGretle · 03/01/2015 17:39

If you feel the need to have a proper chat OP, do so. Don't try to suppress it as it's clear you are starting to feel resentful and question his feelings / actions / sense of commitment to you. All I would say is that you so far have been more of the 'giver' in the relationship by what you've described and he isn't suddenly going to turn into something else, someone who now loves you, wants to see you more, is more there for you in every way - the chat is for you to gain a bit of insight to where he is at, you seem to know where you are at.