Divorced American, want to go back home..

[QueenandKingMum]

Apologies if this is the wrong place. I've been here 10 years, I have indefinite leave to remain and originally spousal visa. We divorced 3 years ago and separated 4 years ago.

Over time I've gotten more homesick, I'm pretty unhappy. My sister and a few friends are back home, I just feel very removed and lonely after a couple failed ltr.

Problem is I have two children, 6 and 9 that are very very close to their dad and see him every weekend. ExH also pays for them to go to an independent school.

Cons are massive, they'd miss their dad and lose an excellent if not financially crippling education. My daughter especially would want to stay. I can't see exH being able to have her, he's got an intense city job and home late, even in divorce I help him work like this. I'm a childminder so I can have them in the summer while he works and then he sees them weekends. Also, no house, no job and no money.

Pros is that my chronic condition is better catered there, also my sister is there, she's my twin and I miss her. She's offered to put me up until I'm on feet. I'm miserable and want to go home. I've spent my life making sure everyone is happy, apart from myself. I'm actually miserable. Am on counselling waiting list.

So cons clearly say no, but I so want to go home. What do I do? The children and ex would be devastated.

[sykadelic]

A lot of the responses here are obviously from people who are not expats. Until you've experienced giving up absolutely everything and everyone, and traveling across the world for someone else, you can't possible understand what it's like. You can't understand what it's like when you have kids, to be happy of course but also knowing that this now means you need "permission" if you ever want to move back to your home country. To being separated from your extended family by an ocean.

The "they are British", this is "home" bull is just that, bull. Again, unless you're an expat you don't understand. Taking away the fact that are also US citizens, being born in a specific country doesn't mean that that country is "home"... that's a very subjective thing. Plenty of people who travel or move overseas have come to know another country as "home' and their former country simply as their birth country or where their extended family is. I also know a few people who feel like they were born in the wrong country, they identify more with a specific culture or country. This is simply all they know right now and yes, there may be some adjustments, but there may also be a growth and happiness in the children from seeing their mother happy. From having access to their aunt, from traveling to the UK for holidays etc. They may have a better relationship with their dad as long distance means more than just being there physically, it means actually being there emotionally.

OP - When you move I would ensure that the money your ex pays for private school (or at least a portion of it) instead goes into a bank account for the kids so they can travel back on holidays. Then they will always know that money is there and they can go back to visit.

I'm not going to lie to you and say that your daughter, who you mention is going to have a tough time, will be great at first. She may go through a grieving process of her own, but I do think moving to the US will benefit them in more ways than it will (initially) upset them.

I also think there will be a period of rose-coloured glasses coming off for you on your return, as you come back to a country that isn't the same as you left it 10 years ago.

If you truly, honestly believe that your lives in the US would be better than in the UK, then it's a no-brainer and you should go back.

Talk to your ex and your kids and see what their feelings are on the subject, and then I would seriously start negotiating the logistics. One in particular would be that I would sort out child support payments (making sure that's collectible in the US) and also ensuring that you get his written permission to remove the kids from the UK with the sole intention of moving to the US, permanently.

I would also consider getting your UK citizenship sorted out so that you can return, if you ever want/need to.

[Sophrosyne]

Until you've experienced giving up absolutely everything and everyone, and traveling across the world for someone else, you can't possible understand what it's like

Exactly.

Trust your instincts. You are already a good mom who is obviously fretting herself with what is best for the kids. You will still be that same good mom doing whats best for the kids in America (and maybe, just maybe, you will be happier)

A year down the line......you will be settled, happier, kids will have loads of new friends who think they are so cool with their accent and exotic traveling to see dad, that all this fretting will see like a lot of worry over nothing.

Good luck.

[QuickSilverFairy]

Go home sweetheart. Your children will be fine. Don't worry about health insurance. If you cannot afford private insurance, you can and should immediately apply for your home state's medicaid. Your children will be covered very quickly, get in touch with the Department of Transitional Assistance when you arrive home. Non US resident's tend to get all sorts of knicker twisted about US health insurance because they have no real understanding of of it.

I'm sending you lots of good wishes.

[Rebecca2014]

Go back and don't wait years. The sooner you do it the better, for you and your kids.

I am the main carer of my child and got an ex who likes play Disney dad one day a week. I am the one who does everything for our child, not him. So if I was in your situation, I would definitely go.

[BlueBrightBlue]

I would worry that if you returned to live in the US you might not see it through rose tinted glasses.
Home is what you make it.
I think you are hoping that by returning to your mother land that all your problems will disappear, they won't ,they will just follow you.
I also think it would be a damaging and unnecessary upheaval for your children if they were to have there mom effectively leave them of take them to a foreign country without their dad.
I understand your feeling homesick, but I'm sure a couple of long holidays will help.

[beginnerrunner]

As a teacher I see this kind of situation often. A lot of the time when divorced parents live a long way away from each other it ends up with the child severely distressed. One poor child of ks2 age cried daily for more than a month when one of her parents moved away. Awful to see.

[notmakingnewyearresolutions]

QueenandKingMum: I did what you are planning to do for similar reasons two years ago. It has been very hard for my DC, my ex and me but it was the right thing to do. I wish you and your family all the very best.

[oneowlgirl]

I rarely change my mind on these things, but now having read further comments I have & think you should go home.

The main reason for the change is due to the poster who said they'd been in your position & that their relationship with their DC was as important as the children's relationship with their fathers & given how much your mental health must be impacting your relationship with your children, then I think you should move, as I totally agree.

In addition to this, the situation in the UK sounds quite precarious financially, so that's another reason to go as if he isn't able to afford the school fees any longer, then the children's situation will change in the UK anyway & likely they'll be very miserable anyway.

Assuming you have a decent support network in the US & your DH will support the move, then I think that you should go & your children will adapt eventually. No doubt it will be hard at first, but if you'll be happier, then no doubt they will too.

[Plus I've also been an expat & whilst I loved it, I remember the homesickness of the early days & can't imagine feeling like that for 10 years (although I was the other way around - UK to US but home again now in the UK)]

Good luck Op.

[oneowlgirl]

Sorry, ex-DH