Divorced American, want to go back home..

[QueenandKingMum]

Apologies if this is the wrong place. I've been here 10 years, I have indefinite leave to remain and originally spousal visa. We divorced 3 years ago and separated 4 years ago.

Over time I've gotten more homesick, I'm pretty unhappy. My sister and a few friends are back home, I just feel very removed and lonely after a couple failed ltr.

Problem is I have two children, 6 and 9 that are very very close to their dad and see him every weekend. ExH also pays for them to go to an independent school.

Cons are massive, they'd miss their dad and lose an excellent if not financially crippling education. My daughter especially would want to stay. I can't see exH being able to have her, he's got an intense city job and home late, even in divorce I help him work like this. I'm a childminder so I can have them in the summer while he works and then he sees them weekends. Also, no house, no job and no money.

Pros is that my chronic condition is better catered there, also my sister is there, she's my twin and I miss her. She's offered to put me up until I'm on feet. I'm miserable and want to go home. I've spent my life making sure everyone is happy, apart from myself. I'm actually miserable. Am on counselling waiting list.

So cons clearly say no, but I so want to go home. What do I do? The children and ex would be devastated.

[oneowlgirl]

Sorry, ex-DH

[oneowlgirl]

I rarely change my mind on these things, but now having read further comments I have & think you should go home.

The main reason for the change is due to the poster who said they'd been in your position & that their relationship with their DC was as important as the children's relationship with their fathers & given how much your mental health must be impacting your relationship with your children, then I think you should move, as I totally agree.

In addition to this, the situation in the UK sounds quite precarious financially, so that's another reason to go as if he isn't able to afford the school fees any longer, then the children's situation will change in the UK anyway & likely they'll be very miserable anyway.

Assuming you have a decent support network in the US & your DH will support the move, then I think that you should go & your children will adapt eventually. No doubt it will be hard at first, but if you'll be happier, then no doubt they will too.

[Plus I've also been an expat & whilst I loved it, I remember the homesickness of the early days & can't imagine feeling like that for 10 years (although I was the other way around - UK to US but home again now in the UK)]

Good luck Op.

[notmakingnewyearresolutions]

QueenandKingMum: I did what you are planning to do for similar reasons two years ago. It has been very hard for my DC, my ex and me but it was the right thing to do. I wish you and your family all the very best.

[beginnerrunner]

As a teacher I see this kind of situation often. A lot of the time when divorced parents live a long way away from each other it ends up with the child severely distressed. One poor child of ks2 age cried daily for more than a month when one of her parents moved away. Awful to see.

[BlueBrightBlue]

I would worry that if you returned to live in the US you might not see it through rose tinted glasses.
Home is what you make it.
I think you are hoping that by returning to your mother land that all your problems will disappear, they won't ,they will just follow you.
I also think it would be a damaging and unnecessary upheaval for your children if they were to have there mom effectively leave them of take them to a foreign country without their dad.
I understand your feeling homesick, but I'm sure a couple of long holidays will help.

[Rebecca2014]

Go back and don't wait years. The sooner you do it the better, for you and your kids.

I am the main carer of my child and got an ex who likes play Disney dad one day a week. I am the one who does everything for our child, not him. So if I was in your situation, I would definitely go.

[QuickSilverFairy]

Go home sweetheart. Your children will be fine. Don't worry about health insurance. If you cannot afford private insurance, you can and should immediately apply for your home state's medicaid. Your children will be covered very quickly, get in touch with the Department of Transitional Assistance when you arrive home. Non US resident's tend to get all sorts of knicker twisted about US health insurance because they have no real understanding of of it.

I'm sending you lots of good wishes.

[Sophrosyne]

Until you've experienced giving up absolutely everything and everyone, and traveling across the world for someone else, you can't possible understand what it's like

Exactly.

Trust your instincts. You are already a good mom who is obviously fretting herself with what is best for the kids. You will still be that same good mom doing whats best for the kids in America (and maybe, just maybe, you will be happier)

A year down the line......you will be settled, happier, kids will have loads of new friends who think they are so cool with their accent and exotic traveling to see dad, that all this fretting will see like a lot of worry over nothing.

Good luck.

[sykadelic]

A lot of the responses here are obviously from people who are not expats. Until you've experienced giving up absolutely everything and everyone, and traveling across the world for someone else, you can't possible understand what it's like. You can't understand what it's like when you have kids, to be happy of course but also knowing that this now means you need "permission" if you ever want to move back to your home country. To being separated from your extended family by an ocean.

The "they are British", this is "home" bull is just that, bull. Again, unless you're an expat you don't understand. Taking away the fact that are also US citizens, being born in a specific country doesn't mean that that country is "home"... that's a very subjective thing. Plenty of people who travel or move overseas have come to know another country as "home' and their former country simply as their birth country or where their extended family is. I also know a few people who feel like they were born in the wrong country, they identify more with a specific culture or country. This is simply all they know right now and yes, there may be some adjustments, but there may also be a growth and happiness in the children from seeing their mother happy. From having access to their aunt, from traveling to the UK for holidays etc. They may have a better relationship with their dad as long distance means more than just being there physically, it means actually being there emotionally.

OP - When you move I would ensure that the money your ex pays for private school (or at least a portion of it) instead goes into a bank account for the kids so they can travel back on holidays. Then they will always know that money is there and they can go back to visit.

I'm not going to lie to you and say that your daughter, who you mention is going to have a tough time, will be great at first. She may go through a grieving process of her own, but I do think moving to the US will benefit them in more ways than it will (initially) upset them.

I also think there will be a period of rose-coloured glasses coming off for you on your return, as you come back to a country that isn't the same as you left it 10 years ago.

If you truly, honestly believe that your lives in the US would be better than in the UK, then it's a no-brainer and you should go back.

Talk to your ex and your kids and see what their feelings are on the subject, and then I would seriously start negotiating the logistics. One in particular would be that I would sort out child support payments (making sure that's collectible in the US) and also ensuring that you get his written permission to remove the kids from the UK with the sole intention of moving to the US, permanently.

I would also consider getting your UK citizenship sorted out so that you can return, if you ever want/need to.

[Sophrosyne]

I think if you have a better support system in the states, then you should go there. Being a single mum is tough with no emotional support, I know. If I had family to go back to, I'd be gone in a heartbeat, am in the same situ as you, with two DC's. No one is an island and how can the children not see if you are unhappy? Sure it would be tough for a bit, but if you and him can make the effort, he can still see them a lot (same number of days a year, just not every week). Good thing there is, you can go on holiday when you please and not have to worry about working it around school! So loads more flexibility/affordable travel.
This is a decision only you can make. No one else (unless they are in the exact same situ as you) can tell you what is best.

[fedupbutfine]

You say he's been a good father (as my DH is), so how can you deprive him of the chance to see his children every weekend

gosh, yes, the OP should absolutely do whatever it takes for her ex to be happy and fulfilled in his parenting role at whatever personal expense that means to her (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially...).

Why on earth is it the OP's responsibility to sacrifice herself and her needs and her feelings, health, financial security etc. etc. for her ex? They are no longer together. Unfortunately that means that sometimes, difficult decisions need to be made, decisions that wouldn't necessarily have been made (or ever need to have been made) had the parents stayed together. There are rarely 'winners', rather people on all sides of the fence having to make the best of a difficult situation. It is not written into the marriage contract that you have to do your best by this person even when divorced!

Take the OP. She's been unhappy for a long time, she's not been paid any maintenance for her children. She provides primary carer support for her ex so he can continue on with his career.Yet according to some, her attitude screams ME, she's selfish...blah, blah. Now THAT gets me snippy

This. Just this.

And the children in question are half American - with all the rights of any child born with parents of two countries/nationalities/cultures to have access to, and experience of, BOTH sides of their heritage. Maybe now is the right time to look at that. Maybe it isn't.

OP - I am a mum who moved from one end of the country to the other post-divorce and who struggled in making that decision and listened to all the arguments that were given here. I have no regrets. I am not 'happier' but what I do have is family support, a secure roof over my head and the ability to earn a good income to support us (my ex doesn't support the children). I have some life rather than no life. I have no financial worries and am building my own financial future. I am fully aware that my children will leave home one day and that the women who post here and tell you you're selfish and who knows what else will, on the day you find yourself alone with a poor income scream 'but you had all those years to sort it out...how could you not know it was going to happen?' You absolutely need to (and must) build your own life for the long term now. Unfortunately, that will mean making difficult decisions. It may be that with counselling and some re-jigging of finances you can find a way forward here in the UK but I don't think you should worry too much if you can't. The world is increasingly small, transport isn't as expensive as it was, technology makes daily contact on a face to face basis both possible and very affordable. Your children don't need to lose their father if you decide to make the move. Much of the quality of relationship between parents and children post-divorce comes down to how mature both parties are able to be - it can work, as many people here have clearly experienced first-hand.

Hope it all works out for you. Keep us updated.

[hereandtherex]

Although, I'm struggling with the 'he has a good job in the City' and 'nightmare with money'. It sounds like both of you need to pull your fingers out and think of the kids. Iowuld guess he's living a £1M/incoem life on a £100K income.

I think you both should take stock.

[hereandtherex]

Depends on a few things:

1. Where abouts in the US are you moving back to? (Warning - my personal preferences): Portland, Oregon, bits of California, bits of New England. Yep, no problem. Detroit, mid-West (boring as fck), most of South, Florida (too + humid) - Nope.
   
   
2. Will you have a well-paying job? America is pretty good is you have an above average job; its pretty shit otherwise. A child minding job will not keep you in McDonalds.
   
   I think you need to take a cold, hard look at you're ability to provide an income.

[sakura]

America is an English speaking country, the kids will adapt quickly, especially at the ages they are at. Plenty of people move their children to countries where the kids can't even speak the language for various reasons. Some kids spend their entire childhoods going to international schools, doing a few years in this country, another few in that, because their father has a job that moves around.
Not ideal, of course, but from speaking to women who have lived like this there aren't any major problems. Speak to people who have changed countries as children at ages 6 through to 10 (and younger, obviously) and you will find they don't even remember struggling with the new language.

[Earlybird]

When was the last time you were 'home'?
And, how long were you there?
Have your children ever been?

If you have financial difficulties now, how would you support yourself back in America? Have you looked at costs of living there, and done a reasonable budget to see if you could manage it?

In your shoes, I'd try to arrange an extended visit where you could do serious on-the-ground research: where to live, possible schools for the dc, possible jobs, etc. Maybe spend the entire summer holiday there investigating specifics to see if it is practical.

Don't kid yourself into thinking that your problems will disappear once you are in America. Things may be better there, but they may not. The grass isn't always greener.

[QueenandKingMum]

The school thing came about when I moved an hour away and he had always wanted them to go private. But again he does things without thinking them through and I don't think he or I knew how financially strapped we'd be

[QueenandKingMum]

Too, probably. I won't leave them behind, and exH wouldn't have them as RP. He doesn't have time, he really doesn't. Me staying here and catering for his job and life has worked out really well for him.

I never said I didn't acclimate, I said I want to go home. I have friends, I go out when I can afford it. I love England. It's not home and it's not my family.

Anyway, I said I would talk to everyone and think it through over counselling. That's still the case.

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

I think, if your husband put up a fuss about the kids, and you said, ok I understand, you can be the RP then and I'll just see the kids in the summer, you'd see a big change in attitude from everyone.

My guess is that he would find it pretty inconvenient, and his new wife wouldn't be too keen either. The kids would probably find having to change main carer much more alarming than having to move between English speaking countries too.

[MaryWestmacott]

Your DCs would certain 'cope' with the move but then aren't you 'coping' in the UK? Why are you so sure they would adapt to no longer seeing their father every week, losing all their friends, starting again in another country when you haven't adapted to living in the UK as an adult?

Go, but leave your DCs here. If youcan't face being a 'holidays' parent, why do you think that's fair to do to your exH?

[NameChange30]

"It's his choice" - why does he get to choose? You're their mother and you should have an equal say in their education. Especially as the financial implications affect you as well. In my opinion he should be paying child maintenance to you and if he can't afford private school fees in addition to that, they don't go to private school - the child maintenance is more important. I don't know the whole story but I do wonder if you are still letting him have control over your life even though you're not married any more.

[lunar1]

How often could your children see their dad if you move, how will it be funded?

[fakenamefornow]

It sounds like it's your situation here that is difficult not the fact of being here in itself, could that be the case?

If you moved to the US how would life be better? Would it be easier to earn more or buy a house say? What about child care could you sort that? Are you east coast by chance, to make the commute back here easier?

[Timetoask]

Op, it seems you have made up your mind. If you are sure of it then discuss it with ex and follow through. Good luck

[QueenandKingMum]

Another, it's his choice. He's battling through until eldest gets (hopefully) into grammar. Another 2.5 years of this. Meanwhile supporting this means financial nightmare.

Pirate, he would let me go. I won't get into the specifics of why but he will.

It's a terrible position to be in, and even the strongest of people would struggle. My advice to someone in my position would be to go. Funny that I'm not taking that advice, because despite accusations this is all me me me.. It's NEVER me.

[sakura]

Okay.
I've just read that he already has another woman and blah blah.

So you're not even married/living together??! So you are basically just hanging around for crumbs/ his weekend visits? My God, this man needs to let you go!! He will get to spend just as much quality time with them: summer holidays, Christmas holidays etc, but it sounds to me like his new woman is the priority in his life, not his children, and so because of this he might not be happy to have them for the entire summer holidays/Christmas holidays, which is why he might insist he sees them during the year, and prevent you from going home.