Divorced American, want to go back home..

[QueenandKingMum]

Apologies if this is the wrong place. I've been here 10 years, I have indefinite leave to remain and originally spousal visa. We divorced 3 years ago and separated 4 years ago.

Over time I've gotten more homesick, I'm pretty unhappy. My sister and a few friends are back home, I just feel very removed and lonely after a couple failed ltr.

Problem is I have two children, 6 and 9 that are very very close to their dad and see him every weekend. ExH also pays for them to go to an independent school.

Cons are massive, they'd miss their dad and lose an excellent if not financially crippling education. My daughter especially would want to stay. I can't see exH being able to have her, he's got an intense city job and home late, even in divorce I help him work like this. I'm a childminder so I can have them in the summer while he works and then he sees them weekends. Also, no house, no job and no money.

Pros is that my chronic condition is better catered there, also my sister is there, she's my twin and I miss her. She's offered to put me up until I'm on feet. I'm miserable and want to go home. I've spent my life making sure everyone is happy, apart from myself. I'm actually miserable. Am on counselling waiting list.

So cons clearly say no, but I so want to go home. What do I do? The children and ex would be devastated.

[however]

Rubberduck, I moved a long way away from my father when my parents split. Not a different country, but a long way away. This was many years ago, before cheap phone calls, before email, before Skype. My parents made it work, we all made it work. It is possible, as you have seen.

Canyouforgive, given the OP has posted here, that is a clear she is quite clearly acknowledging the difficulty of the situation. I'm surprised that was lost on you.

How lovely for the OPs children that their father is paying for an education (which can be obtained for free, btw) but not paying maintenance to their mother who is doing the lion's share of child rearing on a child minders salary.

[Bonsoir]

Children do not get to decide where they live - their parents make that decision. Children move home/country all the time and it is no big deal, especially when there is no language issue. The OP's DC are very young and a move would not disrupt their education.

The OP's life is a prison right now. If she wants to return to the US she should make a viable plan to do so.

[Bonsoir]

I know several women who live in France with their DCs while their exHs live elsewhere (China, US, UK...). The DCs aren't even French. DCs need to live in a happy, purposeful home. The OP's situation is a terrible role model.

[GinIsCalling]

You have my sympathy. I'm a Brit living in the U.S. with my kids, and considering moving home (with my DH).
If you do move your kids will have the benefit of an improved relationship with their aunt and cousins, and other relatives. They would also hopefully spend extended amounts of time with their dad - so a two-week holiday and then week long breaks, rather than one night a week.
I would move if it were me.
It might seem selfish to some, but I think unless you've been an ex-pat you can't understand the particular stresses it brings. I am sure that at their young ages your kids will soon adjust. And if you don't move now then they will grow up to be Brits and you will be stuck overseas forever, as they won't be moving back with you as teens.
However I think you should book a babysitter and then spend time discussing this with your ex one on one before bringing it up with the kids. Make sure he does agree with you before you start planning it, even in your head.
If he doesn't want you to move my advice would differ.

[GinIsCalling]

Also you will have no trouble getting insurance post-Obama care, and from my experience (as a Labour voting Leftie!) the health system here is so much better than the NHS.
Expensive, yes, but if you get a job that covers insurance that's not an issue.
Good luck!

[Coyoacan]

I agree that taking the children away from their father is something that should not be done lightly, but children move country, town, house, all the time because their parents have to. And yes, the parents call the shots, that is one of the upsides of being an adult.

I remember moving house with my dd, just down the road and it turned out to be a major upheaval because she lost all her friends in the move. And there was I trying to give her stability. Really I might as well have moved to another country.

[Surreyblah]

Why isn't he paying maintenance in addition to school fees?

[Timetoask]

I am a foreigner living in the UK where DH is from. I do miss my country, specially during festive periods! But DH loves our kids dearly and they live him back (also love me ofcourse), I knowvthat if something ever happened to our marriage I would never ever consider taking them away, he has as much right to them as I do, they have the right to have a continuous relationship with thier dad not a long distance one.
What is making you unhappy? Is it lack of social contact? Can you do something to address the specific things that are making you unhappy? 10 years go by very quickly and by then your kids could decide what to do.

[however]

You can have a continuous relationship. Every school holidays for a start, like I did. Not the same, no. But possibly more positive than a day and a half a week.

Mind you, he'd have to sort his own child care arrangements. But perhaps it's about time he did?

[nozzz]

This very much depends on how the Ex would view his children moving abroad today, not when it was discussed before.

He also may have changed his view, and no longer be open to the idea.

[BMO]

If your ex gives permission then go. Having a miserable primary carer isn't good for children.

Sounds like your ex is pretty wealthy, I'm sure he could afford to visit or fly the children over. When they are older they could maybe board in the UK near him if they wanted?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

What about the children Funky?

They go too.

I came here at the age of 6 when my parents split up and it was by far the best decision - the OP will have her support network and just be a happier person with her family around.

[Neverknowingly]

Hi OP. My bf moved to Australia 4,years ago after splitting with her DH. She had dual nationality. Her DC were similar in age to you. They Love it, they are thriving and their relationship with their dad is fine. Not great (but it was never going to be as he needs a kick up the arse sometimes) but fine.

I always find MN quite anti moving overseas. Advice/vibe is quite different when it comes to someone divorcing and wanting to move back to UK though. There are I conclude a lot of little Englanders. I'd ignore some of the negativity.

We'll be off to Aus when oldest is around 8 years old. That is a decision we have made because we think it best for the family and the children. They are children and do not see the big picture in terms of what is best for them. At that age, these decisions are ours to make.

[notonyourninny]

Sorry but Dcs come first, you need to find a way to get your head around staying here.

[usefully]

Agreed Never

There are a couple of threads on here at the moment with British women living abroad. They are always told to "come home" and it's seen very negatively when an ex won't consent to the woman and kids moving back.

The other way round is regarded as selfish, and "removing British children from their British home". Rather small minded.

[notonyourninny]

Just read your messages op. Your post scream ME. Its not about you anymore.

Practically, when you actually try and put this idea in to practise, you may find Ex won't allow it. Ideas are not reality.

How will you be better off finacially in the US? Health insurance is just the start.

I hope you do find hapiness but not at dcs and ex s expense. Not fair.

[Mrscaindingle]

I think all those talking about underlying issues and making lifestyle changes to make living in the UK better have never really been so homesick that you feel like you have a heavy weight on your chest from the moment you wake up until you go to bed.
I had a great job, lived in a lovely area, kids went to a nice school and were settled etc but still I couldn't make Canada work because I felt like I was in the wrong place. Often homesickness gets worse as the years go by, not better.
It sounds as though the ops ex would agree to the kids going back, I don't really understand that myself but I know if I were her I would try and make it work. The older her kids are the more difficult they will find it to re settle, you really don't want to do it with teens when their life outside the family is much more important to them.
My ex lives abroad now (his choice) its not ideal but my kids have stability with me and I am very happy with where we chose to settle in the UK and they have their wider family around them.

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

Children go where their parents are, and if their parents are divorced they go where their parents agree.

The children are still young enough that their education will not be badly disrupted. It would be much more difficult once they were teenagers preparing for exams/university.

The USA is a first world country with a reasonable amount of personal safety and good public health outcomes. The OP is not considering taking them to a police state, malarial zone, or war zone.

The OP's family in America is as relevant as their British family.

I assume the children have dual passports.

[GreatWestern]

I do not know what the OP should do and have no advice to offer. However, I am quite struck by the idea that once a woman has children, then all of her decisions and life choices should be based on what is perceived to be the best thing for those children.
How far should this idea be taken ? If a woman has children in a relationship with a man, and then that relationship ends, would the woman be classed as selfish if she goes on to have another relationship with a different man ? After all, her primary reasons for a new relationship would be to satisfy her own needs not those of her children. Therefore, using the logic that has been applied by previous posters her actions are selfish and all about her. Just wondering.

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

Interesting point GreatWestern. I see where you are coming from.

And yes, my parents remarrying after their divorce had a MUCH greater impact on my sister and me than moving countries. I speak from experience.

[however]

Women should spend their lives eating the metaphorical burnt chop that has fallen on the floor.

[Timetoask]

However, I am quite struck by the idea that once a woman has children, then all of her decisions and life choices should be based on what is perceived to be the best thing for those children.

Not at all, but once you bring children into the world you need to take into account their emotional needs when you make such a big decision.