Divorced American, want to go back home..

[QueenandKingMum]

Apologies if this is the wrong place. I've been here 10 years, I have indefinite leave to remain and originally spousal visa. We divorced 3 years ago and separated 4 years ago.

Over time I've gotten more homesick, I'm pretty unhappy. My sister and a few friends are back home, I just feel very removed and lonely after a couple failed ltr.

Problem is I have two children, 6 and 9 that are very very close to their dad and see him every weekend. ExH also pays for them to go to an independent school.

Cons are massive, they'd miss their dad and lose an excellent if not financially crippling education. My daughter especially would want to stay. I can't see exH being able to have her, he's got an intense city job and home late, even in divorce I help him work like this. I'm a childminder so I can have them in the summer while he works and then he sees them weekends. Also, no house, no job and no money.

Pros is that my chronic condition is better catered there, also my sister is there, she's my twin and I miss her. She's offered to put me up until I'm on feet. I'm miserable and want to go home. I've spent my life making sure everyone is happy, apart from myself. I'm actually miserable. Am on counselling waiting list.

So cons clearly say no, but I so want to go home. What do I do? The children and ex would be devastated.

[however]

it didn't come across as snippy.

I'll hang my hat on my opinion that women are vastly more inclined to matyr themselves for their kids than men.

Take the OP. She's been unhappy for a long time, she's not been paid any maintenance for her children. She provides primary carer support for her ex so he can continue on with his career.

Yet according to some, her attitude screams ME, she's selfish...blah, blah. Now THAT gets me snippy.

And for the record, my advice was to start talking to her ex about her feelings. I'm not automatically telling her to go, I'm certainly not automatically telling her to stay.

[Coyoacan]

Another one, not really giving an opinion on whether the OP should stay or go, but if we are talking about the interests of the children, having a depressed parent is definitely not in the interests of the children.

[QueenandKingMum]

However, in a nutshell that's it exactly, I'm buried. Wanting to be happy isn't selfish, I swing between both. I'll be honest, I want to go. I'd go today if I didn't have children. But I do, so I can't and haven't.

I have no idea, what's right for me isn't necessarily right for them. I'm going to do the counselling, I'm going to talk to my children and then my exH. Letting him out them in private school was a mistake, he and I both are having financial trouble now, he's a bit of a nightmare with money. Has a new wife, remodelling a house, debt, a farm... I walked away with no money from the house sale due to debt. He overstretches, very driven.. Like I said, he's a great guy and a friend but I'm in a rented house I can't afford even with help and no prospects.

I want my life back, that doesn't make me selfish.

[sakura]

I have recently moved "home" i.e to the UK after 10 years abroad.

I went through years of worrying about making sure I stayed in that country so that the children could have their father around, even though over time I gradually began to hate in and was being bullied for being a foreigner by his family members etc etc. I made sure I stayed married "for the sake of the kids" and yet every adult who had parents who did this will tell you it was a mistake and each and every one felt nothing but relief when their parents finally divorced.

The biggest mistake I ever made was to put his relationship with the children over my own relationship with them because I am the mother, not him. Sorry, mothers have the babies, not the fathers. It is never an equal relationship especially if you are in situation where you end up becoming the primary carer, and your husband just carries on working as though he never had kids, and has you as an unpaid nanny/maid/cook, which was my situation.
No, in this situation you do what is best for the children, not what is best for the father, and you get yourself out of a miserable situation before something bad happens.

I just stayed on, listening to rubbish about how I needed to put his needs before my own and the pressure broke me. Any father worth their salt will know that a mother's happiness is crucial to the children and no, he cannot replace the mother who has been the primary carer. Neither can his mother. Neither can a nanny or babysitters.

So your husband does the right thing, and lets you go back to your own country for 6 months, a year, a few years, whatever you decide. He can visit them, Skype etc. A decent bloke will leave his door open for his children to return whenever they want, and support them financially. It's fun an exciting to have a relative who lives abroad and they can visit him and spend quality time with him.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

But I do, so I can't and haven't.

Yes you can.

[sakura]

It was that bad that I even once did consider leaving them with him and just fleeing but a woman has to be in a really bad situation before she considers doing something like that. The fact that I had considered leaving these two beautiful little babies that I had carried in my womb was the measure of how bad it was for me.
The minute I set foot on British soil, at my mothers, with my children, the black fog lifted. I feel happier than I've felt in years. Really happy. My husband is sending me money and we keep in touch by FB. We will probably divorce, I don't know.

[PiratePanda]

"I am quite struck by the idea that once a woman has children, then all of her decisions and life choices should be based on what is perceived to be the best thing for those children."

This is not a gender specific thing. I am very strongly of the opinion that a man's decisions and life choices should equally be based on what is best for his children.

But this is UTTERLY irrelevant to the OP's dilemma. Staying or going may or may not be best for the children - their opinions should be sought and weighed carefully, but even then, even if they think they don't want to go it might be in their best interests to go and OP will have to make that decision.

No, the point is that however the OP feels, and whatever decision is theoretically best for the children, it may be out of her hands because legally she has to get XH's permission. He will decide. Or the courts will and it will be punishingly expensive and stressful.

Awful, and I really feel for you OP.

[PiratePanda]

No, Funky, she can't.

[NameChange30]

Just read your update OP. Bloody hell, why on earth are the kids in private school if neither of you can afford it?! If you don't move to the US with them, you should definitely put them in a state school by the next academic year.
And definitely go ahead with the counselling, it should help you to feel better and think about what's best for you and your kids.

[sakura]

Okay.
I've just read that he already has another woman and blah blah.

So you're not even married/living together??! So you are basically just hanging around for crumbs/ his weekend visits? My God, this man needs to let you go!! He will get to spend just as much quality time with them: summer holidays, Christmas holidays etc, but it sounds to me like his new woman is the priority in his life, not his children, and so because of this he might not be happy to have them for the entire summer holidays/Christmas holidays, which is why he might insist he sees them during the year, and prevent you from going home.

[QueenandKingMum]

Another, it's his choice. He's battling through until eldest gets (hopefully) into grammar. Another 2.5 years of this. Meanwhile supporting this means financial nightmare.

Pirate, he would let me go. I won't get into the specifics of why but he will.

It's a terrible position to be in, and even the strongest of people would struggle. My advice to someone in my position would be to go. Funny that I'm not taking that advice, because despite accusations this is all me me me.. It's NEVER me.

[Timetoask]

Op, it seems you have made up your mind. If you are sure of it then discuss it with ex and follow through. Good luck

[fakenamefornow]

It sounds like it's your situation here that is difficult not the fact of being here in itself, could that be the case?

If you moved to the US how would life be better? Would it be easier to earn more or buy a house say? What about child care could you sort that? Are you east coast by chance, to make the commute back here easier?

[lunar1]

How often could your children see their dad if you move, how will it be funded?

[NameChange30]

"It's his choice" - why does he get to choose? You're their mother and you should have an equal say in their education. Especially as the financial implications affect you as well. In my opinion he should be paying child maintenance to you and if he can't afford private school fees in addition to that, they don't go to private school - the child maintenance is more important. I don't know the whole story but I do wonder if you are still letting him have control over your life even though you're not married any more.

[MaryWestmacott]

Your DCs would certain 'cope' with the move but then aren't you 'coping' in the UK? Why are you so sure they would adapt to no longer seeing their father every week, losing all their friends, starting again in another country when you haven't adapted to living in the UK as an adult?

Go, but leave your DCs here. If youcan't face being a 'holidays' parent, why do you think that's fair to do to your exH?

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

I think, if your husband put up a fuss about the kids, and you said, ok I understand, you can be the RP then and I'll just see the kids in the summer, you'd see a big change in attitude from everyone.

My guess is that he would find it pretty inconvenient, and his new wife wouldn't be too keen either. The kids would probably find having to change main carer much more alarming than having to move between English speaking countries too.

[QueenandKingMum]

Too, probably. I won't leave them behind, and exH wouldn't have them as RP. He doesn't have time, he really doesn't. Me staying here and catering for his job and life has worked out really well for him.

I never said I didn't acclimate, I said I want to go home. I have friends, I go out when I can afford it. I love England. It's not home and it's not my family.

Anyway, I said I would talk to everyone and think it through over counselling. That's still the case.

[QueenandKingMum]

The school thing came about when I moved an hour away and he had always wanted them to go private. But again he does things without thinking them through and I don't think he or I knew how financially strapped we'd be

[Earlybird]

When was the last time you were 'home'?
And, how long were you there?
Have your children ever been?

If you have financial difficulties now, how would you support yourself back in America? Have you looked at costs of living there, and done a reasonable budget to see if you could manage it?

In your shoes, I'd try to arrange an extended visit where you could do serious on-the-ground research: where to live, possible schools for the dc, possible jobs, etc. Maybe spend the entire summer holiday there investigating specifics to see if it is practical.

Don't kid yourself into thinking that your problems will disappear once you are in America. Things may be better there, but they may not. The grass isn't always greener.

[sakura]

America is an English speaking country, the kids will adapt quickly, especially at the ages they are at. Plenty of people move their children to countries where the kids can't even speak the language for various reasons. Some kids spend their entire childhoods going to international schools, doing a few years in this country, another few in that, because their father has a job that moves around.
Not ideal, of course, but from speaking to women who have lived like this there aren't any major problems. Speak to people who have changed countries as children at ages 6 through to 10 (and younger, obviously) and you will find they don't even remember struggling with the new language.

[hereandtherex]

Depends on a few things:

1. Where abouts in the US are you moving back to? (Warning - my personal preferences): Portland, Oregon, bits of California, bits of New England. Yep, no problem. Detroit, mid-West (boring as fck), most of South, Florida (too + humid) - Nope.
   
   
2. Will you have a well-paying job? America is pretty good is you have an above average job; its pretty shit otherwise. A child minding job will not keep you in McDonalds.
   
   I think you need to take a cold, hard look at you're ability to provide an income.

[hereandtherex]

Although, I'm struggling with the 'he has a good job in the City' and 'nightmare with money'. It sounds like both of you need to pull your fingers out and think of the kids. Iowuld guess he's living a £1M/incoem life on a £100K income.

I think you both should take stock.

[fedupbutfine]

You say he's been a good father (as my DH is), so how can you deprive him of the chance to see his children every weekend

gosh, yes, the OP should absolutely do whatever it takes for her ex to be happy and fulfilled in his parenting role at whatever personal expense that means to her (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially...).

Why on earth is it the OP's responsibility to sacrifice herself and her needs and her feelings, health, financial security etc. etc. for her ex? They are no longer together. Unfortunately that means that sometimes, difficult decisions need to be made, decisions that wouldn't necessarily have been made (or ever need to have been made) had the parents stayed together. There are rarely 'winners', rather people on all sides of the fence having to make the best of a difficult situation. It is not written into the marriage contract that you have to do your best by this person even when divorced!

Take the OP. She's been unhappy for a long time, she's not been paid any maintenance for her children. She provides primary carer support for her ex so he can continue on with his career.Yet according to some, her attitude screams ME, she's selfish...blah, blah. Now THAT gets me snippy

This. Just this.

And the children in question are half American - with all the rights of any child born with parents of two countries/nationalities/cultures to have access to, and experience of, BOTH sides of their heritage. Maybe now is the right time to look at that. Maybe it isn't.

OP - I am a mum who moved from one end of the country to the other post-divorce and who struggled in making that decision and listened to all the arguments that were given here. I have no regrets. I am not 'happier' but what I do have is family support, a secure roof over my head and the ability to earn a good income to support us (my ex doesn't support the children). I have some life rather than no life. I have no financial worries and am building my own financial future. I am fully aware that my children will leave home one day and that the women who post here and tell you you're selfish and who knows what else will, on the day you find yourself alone with a poor income scream 'but you had all those years to sort it out...how could you not know it was going to happen?' You absolutely need to (and must) build your own life for the long term now. Unfortunately, that will mean making difficult decisions. It may be that with counselling and some re-jigging of finances you can find a way forward here in the UK but I don't think you should worry too much if you can't. The world is increasingly small, transport isn't as expensive as it was, technology makes daily contact on a face to face basis both possible and very affordable. Your children don't need to lose their father if you decide to make the move. Much of the quality of relationship between parents and children post-divorce comes down to how mature both parties are able to be - it can work, as many people here have clearly experienced first-hand.

Hope it all works out for you. Keep us updated.

[Sophrosyne]

I think if you have a better support system in the states, then you should go there. Being a single mum is tough with no emotional support, I know. If I had family to go back to, I'd be gone in a heartbeat, am in the same situ as you, with two DC's. No one is an island and how can the children not see if you are unhappy? Sure it would be tough for a bit, but if you and him can make the effort, he can still see them a lot (same number of days a year, just not every week). Good thing there is, you can go on holiday when you please and not have to worry about working it around school! So loads more flexibility/affordable travel.
This is a decision only you can make. No one else (unless they are in the exact same situ as you) can tell you what is best.