Divorced American, want to go back home..

[QueenandKingMum]

Apologies if this is the wrong place. I've been here 10 years, I have indefinite leave to remain and originally spousal visa. We divorced 3 years ago and separated 4 years ago.

Over time I've gotten more homesick, I'm pretty unhappy. My sister and a few friends are back home, I just feel very removed and lonely after a couple failed ltr.

Problem is I have two children, 6 and 9 that are very very close to their dad and see him every weekend. ExH also pays for them to go to an independent school.

Cons are massive, they'd miss their dad and lose an excellent if not financially crippling education. My daughter especially would want to stay. I can't see exH being able to have her, he's got an intense city job and home late, even in divorce I help him work like this. I'm a childminder so I can have them in the summer while he works and then he sees them weekends. Also, no house, no job and no money.

Pros is that my chronic condition is better catered there, also my sister is there, she's my twin and I miss her. She's offered to put me up until I'm on feet. I'm miserable and want to go home. I've spent my life making sure everyone is happy, apart from myself. I'm actually miserable. Am on counselling waiting list.

So cons clearly say no, but I so want to go home. What do I do? The children and ex would be devastated.

[usefully]

Sorry op, I missed your later posts.

Would the boarding school idea work?

[Canyouforgiveher]

I'm amazed at the amount of people saying "go home" because you are homesick in the UK without any thought that your children will be extremely homesick out of the UK as well as growing up a long way away from their father.

OP, I live away from my home country and I know how hard it is - you have my sympathies. But your children's need for a constant relationship with a great father is more important in my view. It is tough for you.

Is there anyway you could plan on having a long trip home to US every year? Like 6 weeks in the summer to look forward to?

I would also be concerned about health insurance for all of you if you move - that isn't something your ex could easily sort for you if he doesn't work in the US.

[Surreyblah]

You haven't given it 10 years post break-up though, and there might be more you could do to improve the current situation. Would your ex help in any way, eg doing or paying for more childcare, or for you to have private counselling and/or other healthcare?

Being stuck here (for the DCs' benefit) was always a possibility when you came to live here and had DC. I think it does seem selfish to relocate to the U.S, even given the mental health considerations.

Even if your exH agrees, which you say he will, it would seem very likely that the move might not benefit the DC, eg in terms of their relationship with their father (any wider family here?) and their education.

[knightofswords]

I don't understand why so many posters are calling the OP selfish. When you go on the Living overseas thread, with Brits living e.g. in Europe, the consensus is always "come back if you can, make plans to leave". I know because I once posted a thread about that and I am in the same situation as OP only with different countries involved.

She is not selfish, just homesick, and it's something that eats you from the inside out. It's soul destroying. If you don't settle in your adopted country, you gradually lose your identity and have to create a fake one just to survive. And what kid wants a fake for a mother.

[Canyouforgiveher]

I don't think the OP is selfish at all. But it is not the same thing moving country as a family and moving as a divorced parent. On top of all the issues of fitting in/homesickness/change etc. the OP's children would lose out on a constant relationship with a decent loving father. That is the difference.

I have been so homesick that I have cried in public and thought I would never recover. I still wouldn't move my children in the OP's position.

And the OP does NOT have to create a fake identity to survive - what is that about? I am living in a different country. I would have love to move hom and was very homesick but notwithstanding that I am me, I am fine, I am happy, I have nothing fake about me. the OP shouldn't either -but she needs to take care of herself in the UK and try to figure out ways to spend lots of time in the US

[knightofswords]

I take it you're not living in Italy Canyouforgive.

[lunar1]

You really can't take children thousands of miles away from a loving dad. How often would you be paying for them to see him? Would your ex relocate as well?

[Coyoacan]

Children adjust to moves and changes, but I am more concerned about health insurance. As far as I know, you can't get it for a pre-existing condition.

[saintlyjimjams]

Can you talk to your ex about him msybe funding you to have an extended summer break in the states with the kids - & in return you stay here until they're 18. It would be in his interests too. I know plenty of childminders who don't work the summer holiday.

Of course this depends on how your relationship is with him & whether he can afford it (I am assuming City job = spare cash)

[however]

Start the conversation with the kids and their father.

[QueenandKingMum]

Thank you for everyone's input, it's given me a lot to think about. It is like a fake life, it's certainly not natural otherwise we wouldn't be homesick. It's not actually about being homesick, it's about a better life for me and therefore my children. They can see their dad often and several weeks in school holidays so I'm not taking them away from him.

I am going back, it's just a matter of when, 10 years or 1 or 2... Children do adjust, namely my eldest who was 8 at the time and is now 18 and back in America as he's a man now and wanted to live there.

Anyway, thank you for your replies

[Methe]

He's hardly Disney day if he sees them every weekend, pays maintenance and for their education.

They are British. You need to stay here.

[however]

No, she doesn't.

[Methe]

Ok, leave the children here then.

[RubberDuck]

My uncle married an American and had a daughter. Later on, they divorced (amicably) and he lived mainly in the UK (travelled a lot with work) while my Aunt remained in the US with their daughter. They made it work (god knows how) with a lot of travelling in holidays.

Having seen how close my cousin is with her father and what a good relationship they have, I think they did the best thing they could for them at the time. Clearly, they both put a lot of effort in to make it work. I don't think it's impossible.

Could you have a big heart to heart with your ex and see what you can work out between you?

[QueenandKingMum]

He doesn't pay maintenance. He pays them to go to private school and has them on the weekend (not the whole weekend I hasten to add). He is a good (ok) dad and means well, there's no question I am in charge of their upbringing in every other aspect.

I am not going to leave them, I am raising them. A night off at the weekend doesn't mean I should leave them behind unless they are adults and choose to stay.

[QueenandKingMum]

If we had divorced in the US he would have come back to England, no question

[fakenamefornow]

I'm a little surprised that you say he would be fine with you taking them to live with you in the US given that he sees them every weekend. Also, would your medical condition not present problems with getting insurance?

[Mrscaindingle]

I don't think you are being selfish at all op, being homesick over a long period is horrible and colours all aspects of your life. I would say that the younger your children are the easier it will be for them to settle in another country.
It is a tough decision though and I do not envy you that at all, I am glad my then DH ( now ex) agreed to come back to the UK with me from Canada as if he had insisted on staying I don't know how I would have coped. I have never regretted coming back for a minute and was able to come off the AD's pretty soon after we arrived.
You need to have that talk with your ex sooner rather than later.

[Newrule]

Could regular visit to the US help your homesickness?

If you were still in a happy relationship would you be feeling this way? I am just trying to understand the underlying cause for you feeling this way. You might be able to address the underlying cause here. It is not necessarily the case that being back in the US would solve whatever the deeper issue is.

I am British but originally from over the seas so I understand the yearning for 'home'. However, from time to time I remind myself that no where is perfect. If I returned home I will face different or perhaps the same problems.

I hope you feel better soon. Whatever your decision, I am sure it will turn out well in the end. Think positive, make a decision and step out in faith ( and make sure whatever you choose us legally sound).

[Canyouforgiveher]

Well OP you will have to make the best decision for yourself and your family and perhaps a move to the US is the best decision.

But please don't pretend that a move to a different country will be easy for your children or that growing up in a different country to their father will be easy either. It will not be.

I am amazed at how many people on this thread are saying that the OP's feelings of dislocation living in the UK are hard and need to be addressed even though OP is an adult who had complete agency in making her choices - while dismissing how this will feel to her 2 children, who have no choices but may have to leave a country and culture and language (yes it is different) they live in as well as leaving potential day to day contact with their father. Why is the OP so much more vulnerable/important than her children?

Op that is not directed at you but at some of the responses on this thread which seem so dismissive of your children's feelings. You don't seem at all like that.

[ElkTheory]

I am more concerned about health insurance. As far as I know, you can't get it for a pre-existing condition.

No longer true, now that the US has the Affordable Care Act. A step in the right direction, thanks to President Obama.

Living abroad can be such an adjustment, and some people really never feel at home. It sounds as though the OP has made a genuine effort and is still extremely unhappy. So I'd say she should return to the US. Of course, it will complicate matters. If both she and her ex are willing to undertake the added financial pressure of regular trips to and from the UK several times a year, and (more importantly) if they are prepared to put in the effort to maintain a strong bond between the children and their father, I'd say it makes sense for the OP to return home.

And the children are not only British, as someone said above. They are American too.

[Canyouforgiveher]

should have said "please acknowledge" rather than "don't pretend" in second paragraph. sorry

[Newrule]

Yes Elk but Britain is their 'home' just as the US is the OP's home. They may have US citizenship just as the OP has the right to live here. However, I imagine they might feel just as the OP is feeling a bit displaced.