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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I stay with my husband - I'm lost, please help me.

30 replies

Qwerty10 · 02/01/2015 00:02

Please help me to sort my thoughts, my brain has shut down.

I announce last Sunday that I thought it best my husband and I split and to my surprise it came as a shock to him even though we both admit we have been living like house mates for years and amongst other things he said to me a while back if it wasn't for the children he would have left already.

We've been married nearly 10 years, he's my friend and a great dad, but we have lost each other relationship wise, he has a bad temper (not violent though) and I'm sure I don't love him anymore - I certainly don't respect him after a lot of the things he's said. I look back at ruined holidays, birthdays, day trips and can't actually remember when we last both felt really happy together.

Anyway I hated seeing what I was doing to him (his first reaction was anger - if we split I will hate you and never want to see you again, but then he was so upset and said he could change and to give him another chance), I'm terrified of coping on my own, I don't want to upset my children's (age 3 and 6) lives, it would be so much easier to stay as we are, so yesterday after so much upset and sleepless nights I found myself saying - "maybe we could try again".

All that's happened so far is we are in separate bedrooms to give each other space.

How do I decide what to do, although life isn't totally happy for me relationship wise, it's not at all unbearable, he doesn't deny me anything materialistic... we have a nice home... friends... our boys are happy and don't go without.

Am I living in a Disney dream world? Should I snap out of it and count myself lucky? Am I being selfish?

Please don't judge me, I am lost and alone and could really do with some advice.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/01/2015 00:21

"I'm sure I don't love him anymore - I certainly don't respect him after a lot of the things he's said. I look back at ruined holidays, birthdays, day trips and can't actually remember when we last both felt really happy together."

So, what's the point of staying together if that's how the way things have been for you?

WineCowboy · 02/01/2015 00:26

He needs to know how you feel. How sad that you have had some many things ruined, it sounds like he is very selfish and behaves as he pleases.

You are not being selfish to expect a decent husband, and I don't think you need to snap out of anything, he needs to behave more kindly. I have to say though, from your post it sounds like he is not a nice man.

WineCowboy · 02/01/2015 00:27

Sorry, in answer to your question, I think you had decided and then he has cajoled you into backing down and trying again, although how he is actually trying isn't clear.

Tobyjugg · 02/01/2015 00:51

If you need to ask the question, the answer is most probably "No, you shouldn't stay".

trackrBird · 02/01/2015 02:34

he said to me a while back if it wasn't for the children he would have left already

Sounds as if he's ok as long as he's calling the shots, but gets angry if you try to?

You don't say much in your OP; but I'm always wary of 'great dads', especially those who have bad tempers, and ruin holidays, birthdays and day trips. You've also said you don't love or respect him. So I suspect you're not being selfish, and probably will need to continue the separation.

The fact that your brain has shut down; you're terrified of coping alone; and that you're trying to rationalise staying in the relationship by saying it's not unbearable, also suggests that you're used to coping with a lot of stress in your relationship.

How would you feel about a trial separation? Would that feel less all-or-nothing?

It might give you a chance to think more clearly. I have the feeling you need that space.

Joysmum · 02/01/2015 07:05

The only way you can successfully try again is if you can both communicate about what went wrong and then change it.

Are you able to do that, both of you?

siblingrevelryagain · 02/01/2015 07:19

You sound a bit 'panicky'-please take a deep breath and understand that you have time. If there are no other people involved (taking your children out of the equation for a moment), then there is no time pressure for a definitive decision.

You might both find it distressing if giving it another go doesn't work, but the stakes are high for all of you so it might be worth seeing what happens over the coming weeks (as long as you are both equally committed to making it work).

It's not as simple as having lost nothing in trying, but if you're receptive to it because you might still love each other (which can be the only reason to stay together, imo), then it's worth giving over the next few weeks/months to seeing?

Egghead68 · 02/01/2015 07:58

I think being with him sounds like a miserable way to live. And if he gets angry when you try to communicate then you can't communicate or change things.

I'd leave.

Original poster

Qwerty10 · 02/01/2015 08:00

Hi trackrBird. I suggested a separation, he asked me how it would work, I wasn't sure what to say.... He's got nowhere to go, no family, no friends.... me and the boys are all he's got (literally)....

OP posts:

Original poster

Qwerty10 · 02/01/2015 08:07

Hi Joysmum. We have tried talking things through many times, sometimes it's helpful for a while, sometimes we can't make it through the discussion because he storms off. It changes things for a while, but then we end up back in our same old behaviour cycles - both of us, not just him.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/01/2015 08:12

He's got nowhere to go, no family, no friends

And yet he treated you like crap instead of with respect. And won't discuss it like an adult.

Really, if you are at the point of asking on here you are pretty much out the door - it's just the logistics left to work through.

If he won't discuss it like a grown up then where does that leave you?

ThankGodThatsOver · 02/01/2015 08:15

Well at least you have told him how you feel and he needs to do something with that information. Since he has said he can change, give him a chance to prove it (unlikely but you don't need to get out urgently so a month or so probably won't make a difference to formally separating or divorcing.)

He needs to know you are absolutely serious. Start thinking about how separation would work/finances/children etc. get some legal advice if you are ready for that.

What you are considering will have a major impact on you and your family for a very long time, especially as your children are so young. A trial separation gives you a get out if you need it but from what you say the writing us on the wall.

That getting angry/I will hate you comment sets off alarm bells. You might be in for a nasty ride. Get some support from family and friends.

jack45132 · 02/01/2015 08:17

I agree with the comment to take your time. I think for a man, it's easy to delude yourself the relationship is okay'ish. Actually hearing your other half serious about splitting up is often an actual bombshell. Give him time to absorb your position. Spend some time to write down what you want, in detail - and give it to him to keep and re-read - then give it a month or so and THEN ask for his thoughts...

I suspect many men in this situation don't wake up to what they've thrown away until it's all done and dusted. Also I feel (only my opinion) that a grumpy man is a depressed man - not sure how to break out of negative behaviours.

If you have any thoughts of stays this could all be very positive - providing you clearly communicate, assertively, and give him reasonable time to take in and respond. In the meanwhile keep all this private...

SoMuchForSubtlety · 02/01/2015 08:17

Would mediation (if you're sure you want to split) or couples counselling (if you're not sure) help? An impartial third party might help you both work through what you need out of the relationship (or it's end) and what your options are.

bakingtins · 02/01/2015 08:20

Have you tried Relate or similar? It might help you either find a way forward to address some of the issues or clarify that the marriage is over and work out how best to split and still parent your children. If he won't give counselling a try I think that tells you all you need to know about the effort he's prepared to put in to saving the marriage.

antimatter · 02/01/2015 08:21

He's got nowhere to go, no family, no friends

If grown up people split you would expect for one of them to go and rent either a room or a flat.
Do you have enough money for deposit, if not - start saving for him so he can have decent start and won't become homeless.

Original poster

Qwerty10 · 02/01/2015 08:23

You are right, I am panicking siblingrevelryagain. He told me he wanted a final decision by New Year's Eve. When it came to crunch time I said I couldn't see how things could change, as they haven't over so many years. He went straight in saying how we will need to sell the house etc - I got scared and said maybe we should try again. I know I sound weak, but I have no idea how I would cope - I work from home one of the rooms is where I run my business, I would lose my home, my job, I'm scared how it will effect my boys....

OP posts:

jack45132 · 02/01/2015 08:33

Obviously he'll be panicking as well. Final decisions with deadlines are meaningless, you have to wait until you've worked through your emotions and all the issues. I would try to keep the conversation back onto the issues of the past few years and what you would like changed.....for whatever reason he's trying to scare you into shutting up (probably because he's scared too)....just try to visualise yourself as a slow moving bulldozer....keep returning the conversation to the issues....and allow him time to absorb and reflect. The practicalities should come afterwards (they always tend to sort themselves out somehow). Unless of course you are past this stage....??

FraggleMountain · 02/01/2015 08:46

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time. I want to say that I have felt the same, and wondered whether I was being precious. But looking back it's so obvious I was in a bad relationship that was breaking me down, trying to accommodate a constantly moody man who never appreciated anything. Just to give you the perspective I have now - my current DH tells me he loves me every day, and everything is better if he's there with me (except mumsnetting and sci-fi movies). If I've had a shitty day, he's the one who's most likely to make me feel better. When were both up at 3AM because of non-sleeping DS, DH can actually make me laugh. That's what I was missing out on before, not even realising/remembering that a man could be like that.

Vivacia · 02/01/2015 09:01

In your last post it sounds as though he bullied and frightened you in to backing down.

Get legal advice, don't rely on him for correct information. Perhaps you get to keep the house, or perhaps you'll need to move, but other houses will have rooms you can work from.

So I say, get legal advice, make plans and then tell him it's over.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/01/2015 09:10

Qwerty - you can rent a house that provides a room from which to run your business - all is not lost if you have to sell the house and move. Honest.

You got there you can get somewhere else.

PurpleWithRed · 02/01/2015 09:22

www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350 I found that book very helpful, although it sounds as if you have both realised your marriage is over already and are (quite rightly) concerned and a bit frightened of what comes next.

Lots of good advice above - mentally decide it's over, stay in the spare room, do some planning, don't rush into anything. Assess the family finances, consider contacting mediation services. It will be a rough ride in the short term but will be so much better for both of you when it's all over.

Anacoreta · 02/01/2015 09:48

Please be reassured that is far more difficult to take the decision to divorce than it is dealing with the consequences of the split.

I think that what makes you panic is not the end of the relationship but coping financially in your own. This is NATURAL, you want to make sure your children are ok. But really, it is better for children to live with less money and happy parents in separate homes than having a nice house and miserable parents.

You don't love him anymore, and you have been putting up with each other for years. Trying to keep in this relation will make you both even more miserable with time, and the more frustrated you get, the worse the situation will be.

If you have come to this point, it is because you have been trying to make the relationship work, without success, for years. (If this is not the case, please ignore me and consider Relate).

As for him being a good dad, you will not know whether he is a good parent or not until you split. I know plenty of dads who would do ANYTHING to keep in contact and in good terms with their children after a split, and some that are so selfish that stop giving a hoot about them as soon as things get a bit difficult, why? Because they really didn't care in the first place. But you cannot know that until you are there.

Going back to the financial situation, please contact CAB or visit entitledto.org.uk to calculate how much support you will get if you become a lone parent. It may be more than you expect. Finding a job for at least 16 hours a week makes a big difference.

Anacoreta · 02/01/2015 09:55

By the way, asking for a final decision before NYE is staggeringly bullish of him when he wants you to stay. Please please please do not reconsider working in this relationship.

I know that a house is not only a house, it is a pilar of security and a big part of who you are, but when it turns into a gilded cage is time to find how to get fly away.

meadowquark · 02/01/2015 10:17

OP answering to you question, no, you should split up, but make it easier for yourself and try to make a plan for yourself how to do it. I am in a similar position. H had decided to move out (rightly so - our relationship is non-existent and he is disinterested in family life or being loyal) but then changed his mind as he "would miss the kids too much".

While I am all for trying to keep the family together, at this point I felt disappointed that he is now staying. I felt that the right thing to do would be to chuck him out so he does not mess with us, but I did not, and still have not the courage to do it. But in my mind, our marriage is over. We are still living together. I am gathering myself to end it.

OP I believe that the feeling will come for you when you wake up one day and know that enough is enough and there is no turning back. Perhaps you are not there yet, but that time will surely come. In the meantime be practical and think how to create future for yourself with the kids.

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