Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I don't think he loves me

26 replies

starshaker · 01/01/2015 22:54

That's it really. Been together nearly 2 years and I love him with everything I have. I know he holds back part of himself because he was hurt in the past but so was I. I have so much going on at the moment too I can't deal with it on my own. I know I rely on him too much. We talked about a lot of stuff tonigh but I couldn't bring myself to ask if he still loved me because I don't think I could deal with the answer

OP posts:

Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/01/2015 22:57

What makes you think he doesn't love you?

Original poster

starshaker · 01/01/2015 23:03

It's difficult to explain. maybe dos I can't see why he would or the fact I know he holds back. I always thought I could love him enough for both of us but I don't know if I can. I mean I don't know if it would work

OP posts:

Tmrgl · 01/01/2015 23:06

You can't love for two - I couldn't love my DH more, and have done for 22 years) but it still couldn't work if he didn't love back.

tiredandtainted · 01/01/2015 23:13

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? These thoughts could drive you mad. Don't second guess his feelings. Have a frank discussion, and be honest about what you want and need.

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 08:06

Because I love him. I couldn't have gotten through last year without him. Maybe I broke it by needing too much from him. I just know Id be lost without him

OP posts:

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 09:04

well i asked him and he said yes but not as much as I love him

OP posts:

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 09:15

I don't know what to do. I don't have anybody IRL I can talk to

OP posts:

Vivacia · 02/01/2015 09:18

Why do you need to do anything?

Vivacia · 02/01/2015 09:21

(Ok, this might cross-post).

I think you sound needy. And I think that's ok. If you've had a difficult time, then that can make you needy for support and comfort. You need reassurance if all of your energies are going in to dealing with something else.
But it also sounds as though you're coming out of your needy period, and you've got time to look around you and reassess. Which you've done. Look, you both love each other, you're feeling stronger - relax now and start to focus on happier things. Do all of the things that will make you stronger to deal with changes in the future, whatever they may be.

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 09:24

Thats the thing i don't know. Is it enough. Will he ever love me like i love him. Is what we have enough. Maybe this is as good as it will get for me and I should be happy with what I have.

Is it wrong that I want to be loved equal to how I love him. Am I just being selfish and stupid. I do things to try and make him love me more but I don't think it works

OP posts:

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 09:26

Last year I had to deal with my rape trial and my Gran died on christmas eve. She hasn't even had her funeral yet so maybe my heads just all messed up. I see people and how they look at each other and wish he would look at me like that

OP posts:

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 02/01/2015 09:27

How did the conversation actually go? Did he say umprompted that you love him more than he loves you, or did you dig for more from him?

You: Do you love me?
Him: Yes of course...
You: But do you love me as much as I love you?
Him: Errrr maybe not quite AS much

If that's the case then he was onto a losing streak from the start - we all love differently and it's not really something that can be measured quantatively.

It's like when the kids ask "Mummy, who do you love more, me or DS2?" - it's actually bloody annoying having to justify to anyone how much you love them but you make allowances for kids, adults not so much. I show my love in actions, words sometimes, but if DH needed me to be saying it every 5 minutes it would drive me bonkers.

If your DP isn't showing you he loves you the that's a bigger issue.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 02/01/2015 09:30

Cross post - sorry you are having a tough time.

Has he been supportive through your trial and bereavement?

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 09:31

I asked him if he still loved me and his exact reply was "yes, but honestly not as much as you love me" then he went to work

OP posts:

1FluffyJumper · 02/01/2015 09:40

Is it not normal for one person to love more (or maybe just more expressively), in which case I'd start to wonder why he felt the need to tell you. Does he like to keep you on the back foot?

Vivacia · 02/01/2015 09:45

Do you know he loves you from his actions? Does he talk to you with a kind tone of voice, does he never touch in an unloving way?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/01/2015 09:48

That was a really hurtful thing for him to say. Does he like to keep you on edge?

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 09:52

No he would never hurt me like that and no he doesn't like to keep me on the back foot. Im just being stupid. Maybe I just need to take a step back and stop being so intense

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/01/2015 09:52

That was a horrible, cruel thing for him to say.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/01/2015 09:55

Whether you're intense or not, he was cruel. If he feels that he doesn't love you as much as you love him, what does he gain in telling you? In wording it like that?

Either he loves you and wants to stay in the relationship - in which case he should have said I love you but sometimes I find you too needy (or whatever his issue is)

He loves you, but doesn't want to stay with you, or isn't sure if he loves you any more, in which case he needs to sit down and be kind and honest about his feelings and the future.

Not say what he said and then fuck off to work, leaving you absolutely miserable.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/01/2015 09:58

If you can, start to seek out support from other people more. Stop focusing it all in him - he has proved himself unequal to that need and has not been kind.

You have been through so much and deserve kindness.

Someone who genuinely cares about you would NEVER say that to you

How is your relationship with family? Have you got friends you can trust?

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 09:58

I won't see him again till tomorrow. We don't live together. Im scared this is the beginning of the end.

OP posts:

Original poster

starshaker · 02/01/2015 09:59

I have nobody

OP posts:

patienceisvirtuous · 02/01/2015 10:05

I don't think that response spells good things for the future. I would listen to your instincts...

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/01/2015 10:12

Maybe it needs to be the end between you. I know that must feel terrifying but you need to take back your power.

This is a new year, right now. I know you feel flooded with sadness due to what has happened but staying with someone who isn't on your side will only make you feel worse - like feeling starving hungry and eating a poisoned cake, which you know is poisoned, but your hunger forces you to continue. Put it down and scan your environment for a healthy alternative. There will be one, after a slight delay.

Counselling. Meet up groups. Support groups. Volunteering. Online groups. The world is full of people, people who can relate to you, share your fears and feelings, connect.

A friend of mine is dealing with PTSD due to historic abuse, she has found a support group and is building important and supportive relationships with the other women in the group.

Bless you, you have been through so much. You can make positive changes in your life.

Flip

1 2