Feels like my in-laws organise half my life

[WhyNotSmile]

My DH is from a family who do a LOT of stuff together, and always expects me to go along with it. I'm getting fed up of every holiday being pre-organised for me, as they have a "thing they do" for basically every day off.

For example, New Year's Day is a drive to a seaside town (an hour away). It was so wet and windy that we couldn't take DS out of the car, so for me it was an hour's drive, then sitting in a cold car for an hour, and then home. I got very little sleep last night (DS teething), and would much rather have been at home being some rest. I did tell DH that I didn't want to go, but he basically laughed and said "It'll be fun, and you can sleep in the car".

As a one-off I wouldn't mind - I know DH wants to see his family - but it's EVERY holiday! NYE, Pancake Day, May Day, you name it, there's a pre-organised activity that is the same every year! sometimes it's an outing, sometimes it's just going to someone's house or whatever.

It's also not as if they don't see each other in between. DH is at his mum's for dinner twice a week (I go on one of the nights with DS), and all the family are there. When we got married at first, he was going 3 nights a week (going from work, staying till 9), and all day Sunday too! I objected to the Sunday, as we never got the chance to do anything (Saturday usually consisted of housework, shipping etc), so now he doesn't go on Sunday (unless it's a special event, like a birthday or something).

They all go on holiday together too, although again I have said no to this, as I have severe anxiety issues which stop me from traveling, and in any case the holidays are always to the same place each time, and it's not somewhere I want to go.

I don't mind doing some things with them, but I don't like that I basically have no say in what I do half the time! the only way I can ever get out of the event (other than refusing and causing a row) is to plan something else (I could maybe get away with this one or twice a year)... but mostly I don't really want to do something else, I just want to sit in, or take DS to the park or something.

I have depression and also need a lot of unwinding time - I find people exhausting, and these events are always tiring. There are none of the individual events that I especially dislike; it just feels like I spend a lot of time doing stuff that I don't especially enjoy.

AIBU?

Got to start somewhere WhyNotSmile. May Day sounds like as good a time as any. Smile and ignore, smile and ignore if you get any unwelcome comments. You are not a child anymore, you don't have to do as you are told. If you don't fancy something you've been invited to, there is nothing at all wrong with declining politely.

Your approach seems a little passive, OP.

You asked your H if he enjoyed his day, in the hopes that he'd ask you the same thing back... Why not just straight out tell him: "I did not enjoy that one bit, and see no reason why we need to be part of these outings now that we have a family of our own."

You bemoan that your SIL can't see that her idea of fun is not yours.... Again, they are not mind-readers.

You know what you want. Spell it out! Perhaps a little sooner than May Day, even, or this will continue to eat at you.

I did say at the time that I hadn't had a good day, but tried to mention it again to bring it up and talk about it. I haven't had the chance since then to sit down and say "We need to talk about this". With the SIL thing, he also knows that's not the kind of thing I enjoy doing - again, I've said it before. I think he just thinks I'm exaggerating or something.

Sounds like you need to think about what you will and won't agree to go to. Not just decide as you go along.

Also your DS will grow fast and in no time be running around, you might then want to go to DSIL's bbq as there are other wee ones for him to run around with. Give it some thought OP.

And also come up with some nice outings of your own. So instead of complaining about his family's arrangement offer some alternatives and ask them to join you, then you won't seem such an outsider, if they choose not to take you up on your ideas then so be it. And they can't complain about you not going along with theirs.

Your DH sounds as if he's in denial about your unhappiness at having to go along with the rest of the family.

Just keep repeating that you don't have to do EVERYTHING with his family to reinforce the idea!