Feels like my in-laws organise half my life

[WhyNotSmile]

My DH is from a family who do a LOT of stuff together, and always expects me to go along with it. I'm getting fed up of every holiday being pre-organised for me, as they have a "thing they do" for basically every day off.

For example, New Year's Day is a drive to a seaside town (an hour away). It was so wet and windy that we couldn't take DS out of the car, so for me it was an hour's drive, then sitting in a cold car for an hour, and then home. I got very little sleep last night (DS teething), and would much rather have been at home being some rest. I did tell DH that I didn't want to go, but he basically laughed and said "It'll be fun, and you can sleep in the car".

As a one-off I wouldn't mind - I know DH wants to see his family - but it's EVERY holiday! NYE, Pancake Day, May Day, you name it, there's a pre-organised activity that is the same every year! sometimes it's an outing, sometimes it's just going to someone's house or whatever.

It's also not as if they don't see each other in between. DH is at his mum's for dinner twice a week (I go on one of the nights with DS), and all the family are there. When we got married at first, he was going 3 nights a week (going from work, staying till 9), and all day Sunday too! I objected to the Sunday, as we never got the chance to do anything (Saturday usually consisted of housework, shipping etc), so now he doesn't go on Sunday (unless it's a special event, like a birthday or something).

They all go on holiday together too, although again I have said no to this, as I have severe anxiety issues which stop me from traveling, and in any case the holidays are always to the same place each time, and it's not somewhere I want to go.

I don't mind doing some things with them, but I don't like that I basically have no say in what I do half the time! the only way I can ever get out of the event (other than refusing and causing a row) is to plan something else (I could maybe get away with this one or twice a year)... but mostly I don't really want to do something else, I just want to sit in, or take DS to the park or something.

I have depression and also need a lot of unwinding time - I find people exhausting, and these events are always tiring. There are none of the individual events that I especially dislike; it just feels like I spend a lot of time doing stuff that I don't especially enjoy.

AIBU?

YANBU and I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to tell you I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Right down to the depression

We have our first child on the way, any day now, and I feel like most of it's life has been planned without me. I keep having to put my foot down and I'm seen as the cow for having ideas outside of the norm or the "family", or for wanting things my own way.

Oh and exactly the same for every special occasion if I say "no I'll just stay here" in the nicest way possible, it's out of the question and the OH sulks. I am well and truly enrolled into the family. After the first few months of being together (and it's now years) he's never even gone for tea on his own.

So frustrating. You have my empathy! (Turned it into my own little rant there, sorry!)

I don't have anxiety or depression issues. But there is no way in the world I'd be able to cope with my ILs dictating what I do on holidays. And my ILs are reasonably pleasant to spend time with.

You're not being difficult. They are.

Cor sounds a lot like my IL's! They too had a NYE party and I wanted to spend it with just me and DH. Oh the grief and strops from SIL. But the message got through in the end!!

Actions speak louder than words. Just because I miss the odd trip over to say hello and have a cuppa doesn't make me less enrolled into the family unit. I think they like it they get some 1-2-1 time with DH.

I think you have compromised and I think your DH needs to now with you.

Context - we had a shed at our community garden that was rotten, and needed to come down as we received funding to get a new bigger one and we gifted it to a local allotmenteer. She brought along a lovely lady, who turned up with a handbag in one hand and tool box in another, shimmied straight onto the roof and dismantled it nearly singlehandedly. The guy who originally put the shed up [another local] was on site moaning about it coming down, how he put it up yada yada yada and she said to him what I would say to your husband which is 'get the man a tissue'.

Seriously - it is emotional blackmail to be so dramatic and stricken because someone wants to not engage in enforced jollity.

It was exactly the same whynotsmile. Me tagging along with his family's plans. The more I thought about it though, the more ridiculous it seemed. I felt like DP hadn't quite grown up yet, does it feel this way fir you? I can empathise with you for feeling guilty when he pulls his disappointed face too.
I've had to become quite ruthless with DP in some ways which doesnt suit me at all but it was the only way.
Good example: I bought Christmas presents for both sides of our family and Christmas eve he went shopping (for some last minute bits for me I believed) but he came home with all these extra presents for his family and nothing for mine. I was mortified after I'd bought equally for both sides. He also said he was going halves with his sister on a present for his mum as she couldnt afford it on her own!
I really put my foot down and explained that we're a family unit now! He thought we were buying for our own families separately!
I sent DP back out and made him buy for my family too. Cost him a fortune in the end but I think he learned his lesson

I feel better knowing other people are facing the same thing, and it's not just me - and it's also good to see that some of you have stood up to the DH and it's improved things. my in-laws seem to thrive on very emotional stuff which feels manipulative to me, and it's hard to know how to deal with it. They also really don't like other people coming in and "rocking the boat".

Sometimes DH will even agree to something but tell me not to tell his mother! Like we're planning on trying out washable nappies in the next couple of weeks, but he's said not to tell her - not sure whether he's scared of her disapproval or what! And after the outing yesterday, on the way home I suggested sipping at a coffee shop for hot chocolate (just DH, DS and I), and DH had been saying not to tell his family that we did it! I think he's joking this time, but I'm not sure!!

That's ridiculous OP. It's like he needs his parents permission to do things without them present?
Maybe you ought to start rocking the boat? MIL used to like me when I went along with all her plans... she's not so keen on me anymore since I became a bit more assertive but life for me is better.
Rock the boat... see what happens?

Blimey, that sounds awful. Apart from anything else, as your child gets older this will be super inconvenient. They will have parties and football practice and gymnastics.

I would say that you have to insist that you spend an equal amount of time with both families but if you're like me, you'll find this awful.

I think the two of you need a change of mindset. You can only be coerced into spending all these holidays with them if you permit it.

One option is to arrange a lunch out with some friends and their kids. Tell DH that you need some "girl time" and wave him off.

Completely emphasise with you on this, as a fellow depression sufferer and someone who married in to a very close family. I adore how close and loving my husband's family are but it can be too much for me. My solution is to pick which bits I join in on and make the most of them and (try at least) not feel guilty for sitting an activity out some times. There is no point in going along with a planned activity only to not enjoy it - I'm sure they can tell too, so just give yourself the freedom to decide and not let it be expected of you to always play along with their plans.

The problem with spending an equal time with both families is that DH would only agree if we increased time spent with my family to be the same as time currently spent with his family - I'd have no free time at all!! plus, if my family spent that much time together, we would just be sitting looking at each other wondering what on earth to talk about.

DH doesn't understand the concept of needing time alone... in their family it's never been an option, as far as I can see. He doesn't really have any friends outside of his siblings either, other than a couple of work colleagues that he very occasionally goes to the cinema with.

I do think it'll change over time - I'm not going to make DS say no to party invites just so he can go to one of these outings. Also, some of the days are things that I don't really want to take a child to. May Day, for example, is a barbecue at his sister's house, which is basically all of them getting a bit drunk and sitting around for hours. I'd much rather take DS out for a good bike ride, or to play in the park or something.

It's especially irritating that I've told DH I don't want to go sometimes, but he just laughs it off and says "Don't start!". I don't want to say no just for the sake of it, but I'll try to be more assertive. I genuinely don't think it occurs to DH or his family that I might actually not want to go!

whynotsmile I really feel for you and a little bit for your DH. I am from a very close and relatively big (5 siblings) family. We live near each other and spend a lot of time together. My DH is from a small family and finds the whole thing suffocating.

We have been married 10 yrs. It took me about 5 to accept that DH did not want to spend so much time with my family. I honestly thought he would love it if he just joined in . It got to a point where he was feigning illness to avoid us all!!

The last few years I have put no pressure on him to attend family things and I always check that he is ok with me and kids spending the occasional weekend and holiday with them (he always says "of course!"). It is infinitely better this way!

OP, it is very scary standing up to overbearing people for the first time but you can do it, honestly. If you don't fancy it, or are in need of quiet time, just say no. Seriously. It gets easier with practice, I promise you.

Also, you and your DH are not joined at the hip. If he's desperate to go along, fine. You still get to stay home if you want to, and if baby is breastfed, then he just has to stay with you. That's the way it is. You are a separate person.

Oh gosh, poor you OP. Your inlaws are basically issuing you with summonses rather than invitations. They sound very extroverted while you sound like an introvert.

Your DH sounds completely under his parents' thumb if he's actively hiding things from them that you do differently to them. How could you get him to see that he's a grown man now with thoughts and opions of his own? Could the example of the "maverick" sister who planned her own NYE party be used here, to show him that it is possible and that the sky didn't fall down as a result?

By the way, when you say that he "has dinner" at his mum's, do you mean special occasion dinners? or dinner every evening?

The introvert/extrovert thing is definitely true here. They are all quite loud, and shout over each other, whereas I prefer to have quieter conversations with just one or two people.

The "having dinner" thing is basically that they all go to their mum's a few nights a week for dinner. It used to be that he was there 3 evenings straight from work until 9pm, and then all of Sunday afternoon and evening. It's gradually reduced to two evenings a week, one is from work but home straight after dinner, so he gets home about 6pm (and he brings me dinner from his mum's). The other evening DS and I go with him, and we stay till 6.30 or so.

Our DS always seems a bit unsettled by all the fuss, but DH says he just has to get used to it. I'd prefer that he be allowed to settle at his own speed.

It's especially irritating that I've told DH I don't want to go sometimes, but he just laughs it off and says "Don't start!"

How about when he mentions going you laugh it off and say 'don't start'!.

Why does he get to make all the decisions about what you can and can't do?

OP, I actually read 'DS is 5 months, and breastfed' as 'DH is still breastfed'. But he does sound a bit of a mummy's boy!

Make your own plans with your baby and don't go to any of his family events unless you want to. Ignore emotional blackmail and do only what suits you. Tell your husband that your life doesn't revolve around his family and that you won't be forced to waste all your free time with their suffocating company.

It's only going to get worse and the longer you indulge them the greater the entitlement to your time and your sons presence they'll feel.

Under no circumstances hand your child over as a regular at their meet ups, you'll find yourself forced to hand him over far too frequently. These people are the types for whom it's never enough. It doesn't matter how much you give, they'll always expect more and complain when they don't get it.

Your husband needs to listen to you, respect your time and the care your baby needs. Don't be bullied.

My relationship with my in laws is ruined because dh didn't manage it well.
I went along with things until I was seeing red every time they phoned or called.
I now see them very little , dh visits himself.He knows he is in the wrong but won't talk to them .
Am sure they are miffed but they reared a son who feels he can't approach them .

Good luck op I hope you find a better solution than I did .

Have you spoken to your dh about his childhood - how often did the family do what the GP (particularly his father's parents) wanted?

If he spent lots of time with them and your mil effectively lost out on dictating what her family did because her pil dictated what they did then sorry - she sees that it is her turn now as she went through what you're going through so has been waiting for this. Going to be tricky to get out of as this is your dh's and his family's idea of normal.

However - if they didn't do so much with the GP then that's great - you can point out that he is depriving you and your ds of the chance of doing what he and his family did - develop their own family traditions.

He's lucky that you don't have a family that has their own bank holiday traditions - even if it was just to meet up to watch a film in front of the tv for new years day - because he'd have have to have got used to doing some of your family traditions and some of his, he'd never have been able to continue to go to all his family things. Which means that he has never needed to break the habit, has never seen that the sky doesn't fall in if he doesn't spend new year at a freezing beach, has never sat through a family tradition day with your family where he watched the rest of you enjoying something while he sat there thinking WTF? and realised that it's nice to do stuff by yourself every now and again.

Additionally if these traditions were important to him growing up, then seeing that you don't outwardly have the same sorts of things then he is going to try to impose them on you because he can't imagine that you could possibly enjoy anything more. And that he is giving you these - without realising that you need the space and time as a small family unit. Furthermore, it's not in his interest to realise this - because once he does, he is then going to have to make the choice between going with his parents or staying behind with you - at the moment he has the best of both worlds as you're both there and he can kid himself that everybody is having fun and he is creating family traditions for you too. Once he acknowledges that not only does he start having to choose between his parents and his family, but as it is something he likes to do and you don't he has to acknowledge that to continue to make you do something you don't like to do makes him pretty selfish.

Have you spoken to him since new year's day about how he thought the day was, relatively how much fun he had and his parents had vs the fun that you and your ds - didn't - have? And that you're saying now, next new year's day, it's time for a change, you've done what he likes to do for the last xx years, it's your turn now.

And then move on to the other days as you go through the year. Maybe let him do pancake day as it's a fairly minor thing, not like a day off. And then over Easter or May Day - a proper bank holiday, say that as you've already done New Year's day and pancake day his way, it's your turn to choose what you do for xx day. And to not even think about pulling faces or sulks because next time he wants you to do a bank holiday his way, you'll return the treatment, you've managed to be grown up about doing things you don't want to do significantly more than he has and he hasn't got depression to make things worse either...

Good luck - he's had years of been brainwashed that this is the way to do things and he hasn't had to make any real compromises yet in order to break his traditions to do things your family way - so he's not going to see that there's a need for anything to change...

That's nice advice zipzap.

Oh op I feel your pain 5 month old baby here too. DP feels that he has to go for dinner every Sunday and wed evening . Which now means dragging ds out in the cold at night . I too have put my foot down many times but every time an argument. My family is so different we see each other when free sometimes can be 2/3 times a week sometimes we don't have chance to meet up for a couple of weeks which is no big deal. So I'm totally not used to this. I agree it's different now we have ds as we have been together 7 years and this is nothing new.

Oops posted too early sorry . Not got much advice but avidly watching thread to get some !

Thanks for the comments, especially zipzap. I've tried asking him whether he enjoyed the day, in the hopes that he'd then ask whether I enjoyed it, but he didn't ask. I think he knows I didn't enjoy it (I did tell him several times, not as bluntly as that, but I said I'd rather have had a day at home in the warm, getting some rest), but he doesn't want to admit that I didn't have fun, because he wants to believe I really enjoyed it.

We had a conversation a while ago about being too create our own traditions, but he must kind of laughed when I suggested that we don't have to do what our families have always done - we can do our own thing. I think he reckons that doing our own thing will happen down the line when our parents aren't around any more, but I feel that the point is that our wee family is here now, and therefore our traditions have to start now as well.

I'm thinking May Day might be a good one to break for freedom! The usual event is not especially baby-friendly, and there are always more fun options available by then. only thing is, the May Day event is at the home of the sister who's most likely to take huge offence if we don't go. Why she can't see that sitting watching everyone else get drink is not my idea of fun, I don't know - especially when I could be at the park with DS.