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Original poster

Is he right ?? Am i right ?? I don't know anymore

34 replies

Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 11:32

Me and dp had words again last night and i'm just soooo confused.
He reckons that he deserves a chance to make things right. I think he has had lots of chances and am just not sure it would do any good.

He thinks that our biggest problem is the flat we are in and that if we were re-housed it would make all of the difference.
I agree but think that he would still be the same arrogant, selfish person where ever we lived.
He also thinks that i need to get a life.
I know i need to get a life but there seems to be so many obstacles in my way.

I told him that i need to think that he would always put the kids first and try to give them the best life possible. I am not sure he can do that.

He also said that he thinks i made a big mistake not following up the chance of a house in Kent. He said that it could of been a new start for us all and that i was wrong to not even look at it.
I admitt that i do regret not looking at it and feel it could be what we needed BUT i was worried about moving away from my family as we are very close.

Anyway he just confused me even more. Part of me thinks he is just clutching at straws. Another part of me thinks he may be right. Have i given us a big enough chance ??

OP posts:
aloha · 19/04/2004 11:41

I think you need your family around you. It makes a huge difference. Even with one child I rely a lot on my mum. You don't want to be even more isolated with a man you don't love and don't trust. I think you should be strong here. For someone who wants to stay with you, he's still being pretty insulting IMO. I don't think it matters who is 'right' but I think you have the rest of your life ahead of you and you deserve to be happy. If being with him gets in the way of your happiness, then you can't do it.

Janh · 19/04/2004 11:44

Nutty, what does he mean, you need to get a life? Does he think he has a life (in that sense)?

It seems to me he has had a lot of chances - the most recent one was that job that would have paid more - and as for being rehoused, if it wasn't for him you wouldn't have been there in the first place.

Main questions - do you love him? Do you like him? Do you want to go on living with him? Would you all be happier with or without him? Don't let him confuse you, nutty!

coppertop · 19/04/2004 11:46

If he's so keen on you all being re-housed then why doesn't HE do some of the work involved in trying to arrange it and also take on some of the stress and worry you've been suffering?

It sounds to me as though he's clutching at straws. Next he'll be using the children to try and make you feel guilty. He doesn't sound as though he's trying to make amends.

You sound lovely, Nutty. Stick to your guns.

wobblyknicks · 19/04/2004 11:50

Don't even think about letting him debate who's right or wrong - you'll just be there for years. The point is you're not happy, for good reason, and that's all you should think about. You think he's had too many chances - then he doesn't deserve another one. Its not your job to be tied up in knots by him telling you you're not being fair. The flat could be getting you down but moving won't solve everything, and you know that. You're totally right - he will be just the same person even if you live in Buckingham Palace. If you really do need to give it another chance, you'll always feel like that and if he loves you he'll still be there when you've had time apart and you've had space.

IMO you should carry on doing things as you were, you're a great mum and you and your kids is all you should focus on. DON'T let him guilt trip you into giving him another chance when you don't want to, just because it might work out.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I've done that too many times with my ex, gave it more chances than I like to think and now I just feel stupid for not looking after myself.

Whatever you do, put yourself (and your kids) first now

Original poster
Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 11:52

Oh thanks Coppertop

Janh - By get a life, i think he means that i am always moaning on about all the things i'd like to do but never try to do them. Plus he thinks i'm letting the housing probs take over my whole life. He is right about that in a way, but i can't help it, i feel like our life has been put on hold and i want to start living it again.
NO i don't love him and don't always like him either.

Aloha - I would really struggle to adjust to not having family around me BUT should i let that stand in the way of finding a decent home ??
My kids are suffering living here, should i be putting my feelings before theirs.

OP posts:
wobblyknicks · 19/04/2004 11:53

Don't know if they're still around but if you read my posts from last October time they were full of 'I'll give him another chance, he's promised to be better, he deserves another go etc'. Didn't change a thing.

Original poster
Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 11:54

WK have you been talking to my mom, she aid the exact same thing about Buckingham Palace

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/04/2004 11:55

Sorry, but it sounds as if he is trying to undermine you. If he felt so strongly about the need to be rehoused why did he not follow up the house in Kent, why is he not the one down at the Housing Office. If he persuades you to move away whilst you have even the remotest doubt then I don't see how the relationship could succeed anyway, as any problems, even minor ones, would soon come between you and you would have lost your support mechanism. Yes you sometimes need to take a chance in life but not sure that now is right time for you to do so.

Obviously only you can decide if he is genuine but suggest he needs to follow up his words with actions very quickly to be convincing.

wobblyknicks · 19/04/2004 11:55

It's just because it's the truth!!! And because I'm so wise and wonderful!!!

collision · 19/04/2004 11:57

Maybe the fact that you are in an unsuitable house is making you more miserable than you would be in a better place. Also, the fact you are a SAHM at home all the time is adding to your misery. Would it be possible to put the little one in a nursery or childminders for a couple of days and get a PT job so that you are out of the house? Would that help with the relationship? Could you cope with 3 kids FT on your own? Is the relationship that bad or could you both work on it??

Flip · 19/04/2004 11:58

Nutty - it's not a case of putting your feelings before your childrens. If mum's unhappy and has no close support then that will lead to very unhappy children.

You have to do what's right for you because that's what's right for the children.

Hang in there and don't let him turn you. IMO, you should really chuck him out now. He's trying manipulate you and it sounds like you are weakening. Pack his bags and make him leave now if it's what you want in the long run.

Original poster
Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 11:59

The only thing that would make me think he was serious is if he found another job or agreed to retrain. He kept waffling on ages ago about training to become an environmental helath officer, si like an idiot i went finding info on what he would have to do e.t.c and then he went off the idea.
I know he is 46 now so a he probably thinks that a career change isn't worth it.
I do think he would be a happier more likable person if he was happier at work. He used to work in a factory and was alot happier then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 12:22

Just had a thought.
Was trying to think of the last time anything good happened to us. I can't think of anything (other than the kids of course). Since we lost the house our lives have carried on going pretty much down hill at a fairly rapid rate. I'm not making excuses, but does anyone think that anyones relationship could survive such a battering ??

OP posts:
collision · 19/04/2004 12:25

It could if you both love each other and wanted to make it work.....relationships have survived worse I think. Maybe I dont know the full extent of your relationship but what has he done that is so bad? Is he violent? Hope you dont mind me asking.....I just wondered.

Original poster
Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 12:31

No he isn't violent (well once but i smacked him back).
Basically i am finding it very hard to forgive him for losing our house. He accepted voluntary redundancy from an o.k job and then refused to get another one until it was too late.
We lost the house and ended up in debt and in the flat.
He didn't seem to care about it and didn't hlep me to try to sort it out. I got us the flat and answered the door to baliefs e.t.c.

Like i said before i want the best i can possibly give for my kids and i don't think he does.
I will never be able to give them much but at least i'll know i tried.
He seems to be more interested in himself.

OP posts:
Galaxy · 19/04/2004 12:44

message withdrawn

Original poster
Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 12:48

Thanks Galaxy. Kind of you to share your experience.
I just don't want to do the wrong thing.

OP posts:
Galaxy · 19/04/2004 12:52

message withdrawn

LadyMuck · 19/04/2004 22:01

Nutty,
I haven't commented on this before, and I may have missed it, but it sounds to me as if you've skipped the step of counselling. I know that money is tight, but Relate will take account of your circs - you could even check out some of the local religious organisations: there's a Catholic Marriage Society for example who do couples counselling.

There are lots of things going on right now, and without doubt the housing issue is probably top of the list.

It sounds as if your main issues with him is that you're not convinced that he has the same priorities as you, yet you also admit (on other threads) that you're not entirely sure of what would make you happy -with housing that is - I know you would love a 3/4 bed house locally, but you don't seem to have an idea of "what you would settle for" IYSWIM).

I could be totally out of line, and I mean no disrespect, but as an observer it just feels that you have jumped into this a bit quickly.

Redundancy does affect men, and can make them feel worthless. He may need some help to work through these issues.

Relationships aren't alwasy easy - they take hardd work at times. I'm not saying that you are wrong in your decision, just surprised that you haven't sought another solution first.

Janh · 19/04/2004 22:17

Ladymuck, IIRC nutty's DP chose redundancy (didn't have to) without consulting her, when he had a secure well-paid job, took the payoff assuming something equally good would turn up, it didn't and they lost the lovely house they had before. So she is pretty pissed off with him. (Don't blame her...)

Also there was a better paid job locally recently that he refused because he didn't want to work evenings.

So he is not exactly putting himself out for the family.

Original poster
Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 22:20

That is right Jan. Will reply properly in a bit, am arguing with him at the mo.

OP posts:
LadyMuck · 19/04/2004 22:35

I'm not saying that he hasn't made mistakes, and I'm not saying that he couldn't be doing more. And I'm not saying that Nutty isn't best off without him. I'm just surprised that they're not talking to someone like Relate first.

I wouldn't still be married if we hadn't had some counselling, and I know others in the same boat.

Getting rid of dp won't give Nutty the house that she wants. Now, she might still be doing the right thing in kicking him out, but isn't it worth talking it through face-to-face with a 3rd party first? What has she to lose?

Perhaps I'm just sheltered but I hate to see the number of break-ups that seem to be happening here lately. Violence I can fully understand - you have to act quickly to physically protect yourself and your children. But Nutty's situation doesn't sound as clearcut: she wants dp to be breadwinner, he doesn't like night-work, she wants to stay local and move to a house which seems very unlikely to come up.... It may just help for a 3rd party to set out some of this to the dp so he can see Nutty's position more clearly.

carlyb · 19/04/2004 22:47

Ladymuck - I agree with a lot of what you are saying, but will counselling work if Nutcraker has said she does not love her dp?

LadyMuck · 19/04/2004 23:01

I'm not saying that counselling will save their relationship, it might just ease the way in which they part.

But in answer to the specific - could love grow again, I don't know this couple at all. But I know others where they have got through stuff like this. I would have happily divorced dh a while ago, but I was pg at the time and worst possible timing. We have had counselling instead, and whilst we do not have a "perfect" marriage (I'm definitely due more jewelry for example ), I am glad that we've pushed through.

LadyMuck · 19/04/2004 23:02

Sorry wink probably inappropriate - HOS