Is he right ?? Am i right ?? I don't know anymore

[Nutcracker]

Me and dp had words again last night and i'm just soooo confused.
He reckons that he deserves a chance to make things right. I think he has had lots of chances and am just not sure it would do any good.

He thinks that our biggest problem is the flat we are in and that if we were re-housed it would make all of the difference.
I agree but think that he would still be the same arrogant, selfish person where ever we lived.
He also thinks that i need to get a life.
I know i need to get a life but there seems to be so many obstacles in my way.

I told him that i need to think that he would always put the kids first and try to give them the best life possible. I am not sure he can do that.

He also said that he thinks i made a big mistake not following up the chance of a house in Kent. He said that it could of been a new start for us all and that i was wrong to not even look at it.
I admitt that i do regret not looking at it and feel it could be what we needed BUT i was worried about moving away from my family as we are very close.

Anyway he just confused me even more. Part of me thinks he is just clutching at straws. Another part of me thinks he may be right. Have i given us a big enough chance ??

Ladymuck - As Jan said my dp gave up his job voluntarily and then refused to look for anything else. He had 10,000 pounds redundancy money and he blew it on crap (a battered old porsche being one thing). He also refused to use the money to help to get us out of debt. I wanted him to spend the money on the house, that way if the worst came to the worst we could sell it and break even/make a bit. As it was the house was repossessed and sold for not much more than we paid for it. Because it was a cashback mortgage that means that we/he still owe 4000 on it.
He has recieved several letters from soliciters asking him to fill in incoming and outgoings forms for the money and he has refused.
When the balieffs come knocking, he will send me to the door as he has done before.
He is basically a selfish, childish person who never thinks of anyone else but himself.
Before the brought house we lived in a rented one and nearly got evicted from there too because of him not paying the rent.
I walked round in the baking hot sun with my daughter in her buggy for 4 hours, trying to find us somewhere to live. He couldn't even be bothered to look in the paper.
He lives in cloud cuckoo land. He thinks that he shouldn't have to pay bills so he doesn't.

I am not kicking him out because i think i will then get a house. Kicking him out will probably move me further down the lists because i won't be so overcrowded, but i donot care about that. Mine and my childrens lives are more important.
I also donot expect him to be breadwinner, house locator or anything else.
When he left his last job i had bad pnd yet i worked as a cleaner just to put food on the table. He moaned about that.
Why should i be the one that sorts everything out ?? He has done nothing to help with the housing situation, other than moan and refuse to look at places that HE wouldn't like. Never once has he considered the kids feelings.

Seeing a counciller would not make my dp grow up, it would not make him want the best for his kids and it would not make me love him, so what would be the point ??

You know him better than anyone. Sometimes it helps to hear stuff with a 3rd party making sure that dp understands what the issues are. If there is no hope then tbh you shouldn't even be waiting until 28th - he really shouldn't be your problem any more. It is just that several of your posts this week - including the one at the start of the thread - suggest some doubts on your part. I've obviously misinterpreted them - sorry.

BTW seeing a councillor might help you too. But you obviously don't want to, so I'll drop the suggestion. Good luck with your new life.

Ladymuck - I have been seeing a psychatrist so was getting some help. Don't see them now though as they flet that my main problem was my housing situation which they couldn't really help with.
I can be reffered back to him if i feel it's nesercary, which i may do intime.

We had words again last night and TBH i was quite nasty to him, but i felt that this was the only way to get the message across.
He was very arsey as usual, threatened to accidentaly break my computer. I informed him that if he did that then his kids would not be pleased with him and i would not be able to do my grocery shopping. I think he thought i only use it to go on MN (as if ).
Anyway he has said that he will leave on the 28th even if he has no where to go. I have had a look at some flats for him, but he wants something for nothing as usual so i'm having no luck so far.
He doesn't want to keep the car, said he won't be able to afford to run it. I actually own it although i can't drive. I will have to sell it i suppose.
I have asked him if he will pay dd's nursery fees at the end of the month and he said he might. I told him that if he didn't then i would have to take her out and he would have to tell her.
He has said that i have got to tell them he's leaving. I don't mind that as he would of made a pigs ear of it anyway.
He said that i will never amount to anything now and will always be broke.
I said watch this space. I will go alot further without you than with you.

Nutty , sorry he isn't making much effort and is being so nasty, but suppose at least he has agreed to go. It may sound harsh but if you running around to find a suitable flat for him has been received so ungratefully and he is just being picky then perhaps it is time to let him experience the realities and let him get on with it. He may think if he hasn't got anywhere to go next week you'll let him stay on. It may find it hard to begin with and he will probably blame you for his lot but he isn't going to become any more responsible for himself, or his family, if you keep helping him out.

good luck

Nutty sorry babe,
When I split from ist h I also tried to run around after but don ot it sends mixed messages to theeir feeble brains, I know he's the father of your kids bnuut let hom go and stand on his own two feet on 28th ( a week today)and just concentrate on getting yourself and the kids as sorted as poss.Big hug

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you today, and hope all goes well with dp moving out.

Everything OK Nutty?

He isn't going. We decided to try and sort things out. I have given him several conditions that he has to sort things out at work and, some other stuff.
Anyway, we have been talking lots and got alot of stuff out in the open.

Think he realises just how close he came to losing everything (he siad so)

I feel so grateful for all of your advice and i did listen honestly.

Nutty,

Didn't you post elsewhere that your dp has broken down crying at work?

It sounds like the whole thing has got to him, and maybe the way he's been has been his way of reacting to everything else going wrong (in other words he just can't cope, and of course you bear the brunt of it).

Sorry things are so crap for you right now. I try to tell dh at least once a week "one day soon it WILL be our turn"