Husbands Cocaine Problem

[sistabreeze]

I am new to mn and so glad to have found a place to talk about a huge part of my life which i cannot discuss with anyone.

My husband has a cocaine problem. It makes me so sad and angry that he can be so irresponsible, selfish and stupid to do this to himself and to our family. He is putting everything at risk.
We have two beautiful babies, one just 10 weeks old, and he has been secretly taking cocaine for the past 18months, since our first daughter was borne.
He has been doing it on his own, not socially, and I have only recently discovered the severity of his addiction (since going through his accounts, phone, email) he is spending on average #600- #1000pcm. Which we can by no means afford!

He will not talk to me about it, denies it, and is generally very angry with me for trying to discuss it. I have found him drug councellors to go and see but he wont admit that he has a problem.
The thing is that it has got to a point where he is up all night and sleeps all day and is paranoid and aggressive with me and the children. And inturn is making me so stressed that i am unable to cope with the children and they are being affected by their fathers distance/ anger and my stress.

The trust is gone and i wonder if it's best if i leave with the children.
I feel numb. Which is probably how he feels, or wants to feel. I just dont understand why he is doing it.
Has anyone else had this problem? I have heard that fathers sometimes find the pressure of fatherhood/responsibility too much and they freak out, run away, overwork.

Any thoughts much appreciated!

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Oh sistabreeze, my ex partner was a cocaine addict. He kept it secretl for goodness knows how long then I caught him red handed. I was repulsed. He said he would sort himself out I believed him but he carried on. He told me he'd spent around £24k on it at that point. I left him not long after. The only person that can help him is himself and he won't even admit he has a problem?! Shock tactics may work, hey I'm no expert but I wouldn't want my kids near anyone that did that and whats it going to you financially? Only you know honey. Keep us posted. x

Blimey, you poor thing

What does 600 - 1000 pcm mean? Can't work out how much he's doing but it sounds a lot.
Worrying that he's doping it alone. Sounds like it's got bad with the papranoria ad aggression.

Do you have a plan, ie an escape route for you and the kids?

sounds awful,sistabreeze ,sorry don't have any experience but is there a way you can control the money to stop him spending?

What suggestions do the drug counsellors have for him?

HAve you got somewhere to go if you do leave?

Really feel for you and welcome to mumsnet.

I would strongly suggest that you don't control his money. Cocaine addicts may become uncharacteristically violent when denied their fix, so if you refuse to hand over the money he might hurt you.

Your best plan is to leave, take the kids, distance yourself financially from him as soon as possible.

Thanks for getting back so quick.
..well..
He's spending about 600- 1000 per month. It's allot.
He has a semi-perminant 'cold', a bleeding nose. He's a state.
It's not that he's doing it every day but goes on 2-5day binges once or twice a month. which take him a week to recover from, Meanwhile we have to tiptoe round him for fear of starting a shouting match. And dont see him for days because he is catching up on all the work he has neglected.

I have a very seperate life from him, a daytime life with the children, and feel as though i am the only one who's really doing the hardcore of the parenting.
I have some savings of my own which i could use to move away with, though i havent worked for over two years,and am currently 100% financially dependant on him, so the thought of going back to work to support us is a daunting prospect.

The thing is that i feel so guilty. Like i have pushed him into it somehow.
There have been other issues of a lack of trust between us for a long time, to do with porn and drugs mostly, so i dont really know if i will ever be able to trust him enough to make the relationship healthy or work.

Oh shit what a mess...

This sounds exactly what I went through after my daughter was born. I have changed my name as its just something I want to forget about. My DD father used to be just like this, I would be waking up and finding him walking around like a zombie , then asleep all day, till about 8pm , like living in the twilight zone.
I was so stressed out but was stuck as it was my flat and he would'nt leave and I was also too ashamed to tell people what was going on.
I used to sleep in my daughter room and he would wake up shouting for this and that .
He eventually got himself off it , due to running out of money but it was living hell and thinking back now I should have locked the doors as soon as he went out or just gone to my parents as this is no way to live, but he was very violent and agressive and I guess when you have just had a baby you are often confused, tired, and its hard to see the reality of the terrible situation. Please get him out, if you can, or get yourself out, make a plan of action and wait till he is asleep or something , I did this in the end and he did'nt even know I had gone, he was asleep as usual , then I got the Police to get him out of the flat, it will just drag you down, what are your circumstances ? are you working, renting your property, or does he work? etc

sorry crossed post , my ex partner also had all of this , nose bleeds , and all that its awful. My ex partner spent about 40k over a year not my money but on credit cards etc, what a waste.
I would not hesitate if I was ever in this situation again and my ex partner knows now that he can never cross the line , I had the Police around so quick, its quite changed how things are and I really call alot of the shots now he realises how pathetic he was, can you move to your parents , other family on a temporary basis as you have some financial security, I was tied to my place as its me that owned it and he was just living with me , but obvoiusly he had to leave although it took quite a few Police officers to get him out, I could not trust him with his temper after he had been on it for a couple of days I would rather leave my daughter with others as he was too moody and would switch moods over minor things.

It is good to hear from other women who have been in this situation. Thank you 'iknowaboutthis' and 'daisypops'.

I have tried with holding money/ food/ sex/nothing works.. only makes things worse. Though i do feel like i am in some way condoning what he is doing by 'keeping up apperances' eg making him meals, washing, normal life things..

Yes We are renting, luckily, so the 'getout' could be quick.
But the feeling of shame is hard. I havent had the courage to tell friends or family about what is going on. and so it will come as a shock to them and i am ashamed that i have let it go on for so long and get into such a state. And because i am always making excuses for why he is'nt arround, or asleep etc..they think that he is a perfect dilligent husband, providing well for his family, the doting father etc

however

I am going to my mums on monday and am going to try to make a plan, financially etc. It is so hard to think about anything when you are looking after two under two all day! there is no time for thinking, planning... anything other than nappies, food, walks etc..
But i am building up the courage to take charge of my life and the future of my two babies.

Do you think the council could help with temporary housing?

sistabreeze, it's worth contacting your council about housing, but depending on where you live will affect what you are offered and how quickly. Tbh temporary council accomodation tends to be quite grotty you have to be careful because if they deem you to have made yourself homeless then they don't have an obligation to house you. However if there is any suggestion of this you can say your partner has been violent towards you. Good Luck, this is an awful situation to be in, but I do feel you need to get away from it even if it is just to stay at your parents for a few days once you've had some time away from him you may be able to think clearer.

sistabreeze what a dreadful situation.
Sending you love and peace xxx

Do what is best for you and your kiddies.

I have just done a bit of 'snooping' on his computer and found out that he has a mate bringing up 1oz coke for him two hours after i leave to go to my mums.

He knows that i am going to have a break and to do some serious thinking about our future. what is he doin? he must be trying to push us away... if he cared about our relationship then he would use the time apart to look at his life and begin to sort himself out. I think he must think that i am not serious with my threat to leave. He knows that i dont have money and so it must feel like a power over me and the situation..?

Sista, he is a coke addict

it doesn't matter if he thinks you are serious or not

he isn't trying to deliberately push you away

he may care about your relationship, but not as much as he cares about when he is next going to get some coke

he isn't really thinking about you, the relationship, the power, your children, or anything else except cocaine

I can't advise you on such a serious situation but I know what I would do. I am sorry

sistabreeze i feel for you and the kids, what a horrible situation to be in. I wish you all the luck and strength at this time. I think after reading your posts you have sort of answered a lot of your questions yourself, you know that he can't be trusted, he spends far too much money on something that is illegal, he is putting yourself and the kids in a situation that if police found these drugs in your home then social services would get involved and i know you really don't want that for your kids. He can't at the moment be a proper dad or commit to family life when he is recovering from the binges. I think you know what you have to do.

An oz is 28 grams which is about £1400 worth, which is unlikely to be for personal consumption. did you mean a gram?

It would be quite easy to do an oz with a few friends over the course of a weekend, unfortunately

You are right kidstrack, the illegality of the situation is really worrying me. That if he does get into trouble with the police then it will reflect badly on my parenting/ home life and social services could take them away.

It is not unknown for him to get through 1oz in a few days, alone or otherwise! yes it is shocking.

I agree with frannyandzooey, he is only able to think about one thing, coke, and has no real ability to care for or think about what he is doing to his family. i feel so sad for him and for our family. i am so angry that it has come to this.

he must be in such a terrible place inside. If only he would let me help him. i just dont understand where he is at. it disgusts me to see what he has become, and i'm angry that i've been so helpless to stop it .

OMG Sista, that is one hell of a problem. I'm sorry to say this but iiwy I would cut my losses and run. And I don't say that lightly btw but he has zero chance of leading a happy life with that kind of addiction and until he sorts it out you have to protect yourself and your child. I'm very sorry for you, you poor thing.

And if he does get into trouble with the police he will be in big trouble if he is caught with that much.

I agree with everything the others have already said, but what would also worry me awfully is that with small children in the house they might one day discover his stash, or he might become careless. That alone is too much of a risk IMO.

It's an illness. It's not his fault. But he needs to admit it's a problem and get some help. I was talking to a hypnotist this week who cured an actress who had a £30k a year cocain habit in 2 sessions but she WANTED to be cured.
You need perhaps to take him with you to his GP and/or to someone else. You may need to give him an ultimatum if he won't - you or the drugs. Even so the choice may be the drugs which won't be his fault.

He has to reach his rock bottom before he can do anything. Unfortunately you will have to reach it with him if you stay. It may well be that you leaving will be the catalyst which speeds this up. Then he can start recovery.

I don't envy your situation. Have you got somewhere to go initially. I think the council will help you with temp accomodation once you sort of deposit yourself in there with a suitcase. What sort of area are you in? You are brilliant for realising what a mess this is already and thinking of leaving.

Thank you all for you advise and kind words of encouragement.
it is such a releif to have a space to talk this through.

yes the issue of babies getting hold of the drugs is too awful to comprehend. And i am angry at myself for not getting out sooner for their sake. luckily he has the sense to do it away from our family space, in a part of the house the children cant access, but that could always change...

i hope that he will realise he is on a course to self distruct unless he admits the problem and seeks help. but you are right, he will only do it when he is ready and i cant afford to wait arround for that.

i am feeling so sad.

I have no experience of this sort of thing but just wanted to wish you luck for the future, and if you are in any doubt as to what to do just look at you dc.

sistabreeze, just have to say you are doing the right thing. its no fun for anyone to live with an addict and too much for children, beleive me.
this could be his wake up call if you want to sort it with him or your chance to be in peace day to day and do your own thing your way. hope you have some family friends around to help.
good luck x