Husbands Cocaine Problem

[sistabreeze]

I am new to mn and so glad to have found a place to talk about a huge part of my life which i cannot discuss with anyone.

My husband has a cocaine problem. It makes me so sad and angry that he can be so irresponsible, selfish and stupid to do this to himself and to our family. He is putting everything at risk.
We have two beautiful babies, one just 10 weeks old, and he has been secretly taking cocaine for the past 18months, since our first daughter was borne.
He has been doing it on his own, not socially, and I have only recently discovered the severity of his addiction (since going through his accounts, phone, email) he is spending on average #600- #1000pcm. Which we can by no means afford!

He will not talk to me about it, denies it, and is generally very angry with me for trying to discuss it. I have found him drug councellors to go and see but he wont admit that he has a problem.
The thing is that it has got to a point where he is up all night and sleeps all day and is paranoid and aggressive with me and the children. And inturn is making me so stressed that i am unable to cope with the children and they are being affected by their fathers distance/ anger and my stress.

The trust is gone and i wonder if it's best if i leave with the children.
I feel numb. Which is probably how he feels, or wants to feel. I just dont understand why he is doing it.
Has anyone else had this problem? I have heard that fathers sometimes find the pressure of fatherhood/responsibility too much and they freak out, run away, overwork.

Any thoughts much appreciated!

Hows it going sistabreeze? Your DP sounds just like my ex. He would get nasty and lie when he didn't have coke, then he'd be a completly different person when he's had some. My ex's nose used to stream costantly and bleed. All the sign were there but I didn't twig on. I really do think you need to get out. Your sound so sad. Break free and take your kids away from the shit.x

hey sistabreeze...been kind of lurking on this thread as haven't known what to say that would be very helpful, but...

you say that the kids can't get to the part of the house where he does his coke. that won't last long. i'm not an expert (don't have kids yet!!) but i do know that kids get EVERYWHERE!!!

my old housemate was into coke and crack and also dabbled with heroin. he managed to come off it, but only with some serious threats from me, ie that i would get the police involved, that i would throw him out, and the one that really hit home, that i would tell his mum!!! that one really seemed to bring him to his senses. however, his problem was not as serious as your DP, and i would say your first and foremost priority is TO GET YOUR KIDS AND YOURSELF OUT OF THERE!!! you are absolutely right, if the SS or police find drugs (esp that quantity and "hardness", coke is a Class A drug remember) in your house then you are in for a shit time. just because kate moss gets away with it does not mean you will.

good luck sista, remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! anytime you want to vent, or need help, remember mumsnet is here for you!

(sorry, that sounded a bit soppy, but you all know what i mean...!)

sista, so sorry to hear about this; I am someone who always always thinks it is worth trying to stay to sort out a marriage, once kids are involved; but in this situation your dh has made this impossible I would say.

You need to choose the safety and well-being and general good development of your children, and you need to choose your children above your relationship. Which is obviously where you are going anyway by the sounds of your posts so far.

Don't feel any shame or responsibility; you are doing a fanastic job doing the parenting on your own. Best of luck to you, I will be thinking of you.

Hi Sistabreeze , I wanted to give you my support I think you are 100% doing what is right , this is no way for the children to live in that enviroment. I think you should tell all you family and maybe his family , you have nothing to be ashamed about , he does, and the fact of him destroying his health, your childrens home life, not to mention the stress of you worrying about the money he is wasting away.
You mentioned that you rent , I think you would qualify for housing benefit if you are separated and if you had the money for the deposit on a flat maybe then that is something you could look into. Maybe you should ask a friend or relative to mind the children for a couple of hours and go to your local job entre and see a lone parent adviser and sort of explain then they could help you with your entitlements , some of them can be very helpful, then you could have some space while he comes to his senses and sorts himself out.

Sista

I think you know what you have to do, but you need some support for yourself. There are so many mixed emotions associated with leaving your partner to his addiction. Go to the Drugscope website and look through the links there for family support.

The cycle of addiction is a useful way to think about where he's 'at'. At the moment, he is 'pre-contemplative', which means he does not recognise that he is an addict and is unable therefore to even think about treatment. It could take him a long time to reach the treatment stage. I agree with posters who say that you leaving may help him start to think about his behaviour and addiction sooner than if you stayed. However, there are no guarantees.

Good luck - take care of yourself and your children.

I seen this thread at the weekend but dh was here so couldnt really post.

We have been married for 10 years, together for 12 and the first 6/7 years of this was terrible. We both dabbled with drugs before kids but he couldnt/didnt want to stop after ds was born. It was horrible. He lied for years, I was a total wreck. We lost everything. He even pawned his wedding ring

It all came to head when I fell pregnant with ds2, I just had enough and I threw him out. It wasnt legal as our house is in joint names but I just locked the doors and ignored him. He finally stopped taking them in 2003/2004.

He is like a different person now. Good job. Good dad. I love him dearly, but if I could have done anything differently I would have left him years ago, way back when I first realised how bad a problem it was, although we are fine now it caused so much unnecessary pain and hurt. The drugs take over any personality they mave have had.

Take care of yourselves and your dc.

Sista - he's an addict and the addiction's voice will always be louder than yours. Its a selfish selfish illness and one that you can't cure for him. He doesn't sound like he's ready to stop and you should prepare yourself for the possibility that he may never stop. If things are this bad now how will they be when he has a medical issue/a car crash/a police bust? The illness is selfish - and you have to be too. In a situation like this you have two choices - 1) take on the addiction, hide things, become scared of him, change, shortages, take on the blame and shame for his illness (and tbh decisions) or 2) get out, get yourself in a place where you are safe and free of the addiction.

Re the shame issue. Its his problem not yours. The classic addict partner/child thing to do is take on responsibility for the addiction - "its my fault I didn't support him when he became a dad... OI nag... I'm too noisy" etc. The addict encourages it - it gives them a get out clause for their own behaviour which they know is unacceptable. As long as you feel the shame he has carte blanche to keep going.

I'm pretty black and white on this as the child of an addict - YOU have a choice to be part of this lifestyle, your kids don't. In your shoes I'd be walking away and hoping that the man you married comes back out from under the addiction one day.

Talk to Al Anon or similar. It helps. This is a huge emotional rollercoaster and you need to get yourself support too. Good luck with it and apologies for being so blunt.

I have some friends who have been in a similar situation, eventually she got fed up and left - he was a mess. However she did tell his family and they have helped him a lot, tried to sort him out, made sure they were there when he saw the children so his ex wife didn't worry etc. It has actually been of great benfit to tell and of course nobody felt any animosity towards her or to be fair him - they just wanted to help. In this case he is much better, but I know he still takes is occassionally and they are still apart, but the children are safe and so is she.

I don't have any experience with drugs but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and wish you all the best. Your situation sounds awful and I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and your children. Good luck.

In terms of council housing, some councils have schemes in place where they will pay the deposit to rent a flat. Don't know where you are but it can't hurt to ask

Hi girls,

I am just letting you know that i am ok and am at my mums. I have told husband that i will not come home unless he shows serious longterm commitment to overcoming his addiction.He is still in denial as to his addiction, sighting me as the main problem and not really able to accept the effect it is having on me or the children.
I am feeling very vulnrable and dont really know what to do in the longterm but i'm just going to take it one day at a time.
Thank you all so much for the concern, support and kindness you have shown.
I will keep you posted over the next few weeks
x

Well done you on making the break. Hope you and the kids are okay. All the best xx

well done sistabreeze. I hope for all your sakes your (d?)h can start to make some positive steps and you can rebuild things. Perhaps you can get in touch with a help-line or similar and ask them for advice - so you can, in an informed way, tell him exactly what concrete steps you expect. I think you have absolutely done the right thing. Maybe, in your head, you need to think through how long you're prepared to give him - you can't put your life on hold indefinitely. I also think it would be good if you can find something positive to focus your energies on and allow yourself some positive time - would your mum babysit once a week? could you start an evening class or join a book group? Just something small and positive - I'm sure it would do you good at a really difficult time.

Keep strong Sista, you have done the right thing. Sending hugs & support vibes your way. Now you can get on with rebuilding your life and let him waste his until he sees the light! The very fact that he is blaming you for his problems shows he has a way to go yet. Its good to take it one step at a day. What a brilliant woman you are to taking the first step!

well said UCM. you are doing the right thing sistabreeze

Heya
Just letting you know I'm ok. Having trial seperation from H. He has been to drug rehab clinic, getting councelling,cognative therapy, and hopefully oneday he'll get us back, but i just dont know if or when i will ever be able to trust him.
Almost too much water under the bridge, mortguage money up the nose, love lost.. so sad. My two girls are being so brave, they are being so gentle and loving, and I'm being abit of a mess. poor little things. I just want to protect them from all the sh*t thats been going on with me and H.

Thanks to all of you for listening when i needed it most x

Thats good to hear. I hope all goes well. Keep strong and just think of you and your children as number one he comes second. xx