Is this abuse or just being a prick?

[NameChangerNYE]

I've NC'd because I don't want this following me around.

I am wondering if this behaviour is normal or if it is an abusive thing? I'll try to explain as best I can.

Been with DP for nearly 11 years. We have kids, but no kids together.

We aren't speaking right now, haven't spoken since about 6 pm. He came in from dropping his kids off at the bus station to go back home after stopping with us for 11 days. I hadn't done the drying up from lunch. I was just watching a programme and then was going to do it after that but he got back earlier than I thought so it wasn't done. He said "why hasn't she done it". She being my DD. I said it wasn't fair to walk in and instantly say she should have done something when his son and daughter had been here 11 days and hadn't lifted a finger (literally). He then does this thing, which he often does, where he will shout his mouth off/say his bit and then I try to respond and he will walk off. In this instance, he said what he said, that I was lazy/my DD was lazy, he shouldn't have to walk in after an hours driving, and be expected to dry up. He wasn't expected to dry up I had just got engrossed in a tv programme and he was back earlier. But then he walks off when I try and respond. He says his bit, and then I was trying to reply and he said "oh just shut your mouth, stop going on about it". I tried to speak and say my bit/my response and he kept saying "shut your mouth" and slammed the back door. He went for a fag and then came back in and I sat at the table and tried to say, it isn't fair for you to come in and picking on me or my DD when your kids have been here 11 days and haven't lifted a finger, he wouldn't answer, he kept saying "i dont need this, you're giving me a headache, why do I need to listen to this". Eventually I lost and slapped both hands down on the table. He responded by thumping both his fists on the table, shouting in my face, and it scared me and I cried, it was just that i was scared, he said "oh now you start crying" and then he did it again, so hard that he knocked over his pint glass and all the beer went all over the wall in the kitchen and all over the table. My DD was in the other room and she started crying and I went to her and he said "oh now she's crying, oh yes oh whats wrong with her now, oh make it into a big thing".

He hasn't spoken to me since. He said at the time, "you did this". But I didn't. I did get frustrated because he wouldn't listen to me when I was trying to say that he had been allowed to speak his piece and then I didn't get a chance to respond because he just kept walking off, but I didn't do anything else to wind him up.

I'm really confused.

I'd like him to be the person he was.

This is who he is. I'm so sorry, but this is not your fault. Please, please leave. You don't have to live like this - you have choices. As the house is in your name, all you have to do is tell him to leave - get someone with you when you do this because he's violent. Perhaps even call 101 first to tell the that you're going to tell him to leave and he's previously been violent and abusive - they'll give you advice and they'll come out immediately if you need to call them if he won't leave. Legally he cannot stay in your house if you don't want him there. Change the locks, even if he gives you the key back, and change the alarm code (if you have one).

I know that the practicalities are scary but don't worry about money because as a lone parent who works you'll be entitled to Working and Child Tax Credits, single person's reduction on your Council Tax and possibly Housing and Council Tax Benefit, along with your Child Benefit and salary. You'll be fine, you'll make it work. And you and your DC will be happy.

It's a new year, so make a new start. Otherwise your life will be exactly the same in 12 months' time.

Please get out, for your own sake and also your children. He is abusing you all. This is not your fault.

If needs must, apologise this morning and get on and make a plan.
If the tenancy is in your name only then practically, it is as simple as asking him to leave by xyz date and changing the locks. Emotionally of course it's not so simple but try and concentrate on the practical for now, until you're safe. Once you're safe you can process what has happened and start to work through it.

If you don't feel strong enough to get rid of him for your own sake - do it for your children. Even if they seem fine, I promise you they are absorbing all this. Let me tell you how I know.

My own mother, stayed with my father despite that he was always controlling, EA and towards the end of their 17 year relationship, violent too (she answered him back one day and he tried to strangle her. I was 9. 25 years later it's still a vivid, horrible memory.

She left for quite literally, the first available man she met (we lived in a very small town and had she stayed there, my father would have not left her in peace.) Unfortunately this man was/is an alcoholic and was/is EA. She has now been with him for 23 years and although she isn't scared of him and would probably say she has a lot of freedom, she dances her life around him - what he wants on TV, what he wants to do at weekends, who he wants to talk to. She walks on eggshells and the sad thing is, I don't think she would even admit it to herself. Because he has never hit her it's all ok as far as she is concerned, even though he has done some appalling things such as punching holes in doors, throwing a pan of boiling water at her when my toddler half brother was stood by her side. But you know, it was ok because it missed (because he was drunk.)

I met my now-husband when I was 21. He didn't talk to me much, didn't make much effort at all in fact, but then I was used to that. As MN'ers would say, he was 'telling me who he was.' He didn't hit me either so as far as I was concerned all was good. He did have temper tantrums and when we'd been together 6 months, he disagreed with me over something small and ended up in such a rage that he pulled a light fitting out of the ceiling. Major red flag.Still, he wasn't hitting me so it was ok. His divorce petition from his first wife came back with her response as 'emotional abuse.' Was I concerned? Not at all. As long as I didn't argue with him I was fine, he didn't drink and he didn't hit me. Nowhere near as bad as my mothers awful relationships as far as I'm concerned.
Shamefully, I married him (and was soon coerced into having children.) 12 years later, I'm not allowed a differing opinion, I'm not allowed to go out to work, he talks to us all in a terrible tone all the time. Compared to the examples I had growing up, he is not so bad. But still not near a normal healthy relationship. My children are starting to copy his behaviour.

Do yourself a massive favour and break this cycle.

He really has, as they say, done a number on you. How do these men get to be so successful in convincing a normal woman that their murderous tendencies are the woman's fault? I really want to shake you (in a non violent way) for buying into this shit. He's violent because he is violent.

And, trust me, as someone who saw similar scenes when I was 7+, children neither forget nor block it out. It's as vivid 45 years later as it was then. It's fucked me up for life. Get your daughter out of there. That's not a suggestion, it's a necessity.

Nowhere near as bad as I was concerned, at the time. Now I know better.

I forgot to say that leaving such a relationship can be the most dangerous time for the partner losing control to lash out, so please make sure you are safe. Women's Aid are very helpful. In your situation I would let him go to work as usual then change the locks and either remove his belongings or tell him he can visit at xyz time to collect them. If you call 101 and explain the police should be able to attend at the same time.

Men like this won't change because as far as they are concerned, they are doing nothing wrong. They have no respect for anyone but themselves and are not capable of a normal relationship.

Please leave.

Agree with Shipwrecked. You need to get out and soon.

He sounds absolutely vile and probably brings out the worst in you. You're only 50 and have many years ahead of you. Make sure they are happy. Life doesn't need to be like this.

This man has completely undermined your confidence and self esteem.

He has hit you, belittled you and you still want to marry him.

Do you have any family/friends you could talk to? Would counselling be an option?

Do try to look at this logically (so difficult when you're in the midst of it, of course). He was an adult when you met so his character was already fully formed. You cannot realistically have turned a kind, respectful mature man into a violent asshole all by yourself. You're not that powerful!

cailindana I understand your POV, but don't you see that in those 5yrs she has only been pushed deeper in to believing this is all her fault.

If my dh strangled me today, we'd be over, BUT I haven't been conditioned to think that everything he does is my fault, that I am useless without him, that I am annoying. OP thinks this is all her fault, it is very hard to see the blame lays elsewhere when you have been treated like that for so long.

Do you want help or not OP ?

Please please leave. Or throw him out (the house is rented in your name I think?). If you feel at all physically threatened by him, or if he refuses to leave, then call 999. Tell the police about the previous abuse, and especially about the strangulation (strangulation is a huge warning sign that things could get even worse).

Annie makes a very good point above - you did not cause him to like this.

He is an abusive, manipulative, violent c#nt.

You have to get this man out of your life for your daughters sake. She is learning to appease this God of a man too.

Yes different. She is being abused. But she is also facilitating the abuse of her daughter. She needs to stop faffing and flapping about who's being annoying, buck the fuck up and save her daughter.

I agree. Someone has to be saved here.

How are you this morning OP?

This is who he is and will always be, your responsibility begins and ends in how much you expose you and your child to.

You know he's an abusive prick, so what now?

Yes, how are you? X

oh op I wish I could give you the courage to help you leave this loony
you deserve much better than this ,
please try and see how good it would be without him in your life xx

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/planning-to-leave/

Saw this on another thread and thought it might help you in the future x

Op you can do it, I have just done it and wake up smiling every single day. My dc and I are happier than ever. No it's not easy and it's not going to happen till you are ready, I was with him for 20 years do I do understand it's not that easy.

Do what you need to do to keep safe, yes apologies but you don't have to mean it. Then you need to either make a plan to leave/ throw him out or start counseling to get yourself strong enough to go.

You can do it.
You do not deserve this.
It is never to late to leave.
You will be happy.
You can do it.

Your daughter doesn't think he's great.

Through self-preservation, she's realised that she has to act as if he's great, because she's seen this man repeatedly hit and even strangle her mother , she knows that she is a close second on his blame list, she knows he is angry with her, and she is probably terrified that she's next on the list to be hit.

Your 12 year old child is having to appease the man who is abusing both of you.

Your opinions about who is most annoying or insecure, or how conned you were about a lack of marriage, or how aggrieved you feel about saying sorry, are really secondary issues. I'm not trying to victim-blame here, he is the abuser and he has absolutely no right to treat you and your daughter like this- but she is also being bullied, and she has zero hope of escape unless it's something you do for her.

Hope you're OK this morning OP. I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship and think you and your DD deserve a better, happier life. Sadly, you're in a destructive cycle at the moment. Your insecurity and feelings of being inferior are preventing you from getting the help you need to reject this man. His abusive behaviour is crushing your confidence.

Please contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Not sure if you have noticed the 'sticky' post that is now permanently at the top of the Relationships Board. It talks about how nobody should put up with or make excuses for an abusive partner. You deserve better.

Whether the label is Twat, prick or abusive, it all amounts to the same thing. Your partner is behaving unacceptably.

Please make it a deal breaker, and take action, if only so your DD doesn't think that's how men should treat women (or vice versa)

And please promise never again to say those words: "I think it's me." It's not you, it never was you, it never was or is any woman (or man) in this situation. That's just what they want you to think so that they can carry on hitting/throttling/abusing you. The number of times I've seen it on here and I think - do women really believe that? It's so sad.

My father was for a number of years extremely violent. To my mother, my brothers and my sister. I am convinced that the only reason he didn't do it to me was that I told him if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the police. And I would have. Because it wasn't our fault he was like that, and he should have been punished. He wasn't, of course.

'He hit you a lot' and 'nearly strangled you over the kitchen sink' ???
And now after a 'lull' this behaviour is starting all over again?

Please, op, please get away from this dangerous man before he actually does strangle you. Strangling abuse is a very serious sign of DV and warrants immediate removal. You should never have gone back with him after that!

It's never ever acceptable for an abuser to use 'you wind me up' or 'you provoked me' type of excuses. It is not your fault he explodes. That's a classic retort from violent men.

You need to make safe plans to get away ASAP and safeguard yourself and your dd. I don't feel you see the seriousness of this man's abuse and I'm worried for you.