Is this abuse or just being a prick?

[NameChangerNYE]

I've NC'd because I don't want this following me around.

I am wondering if this behaviour is normal or if it is an abusive thing? I'll try to explain as best I can.

Been with DP for nearly 11 years. We have kids, but no kids together.

We aren't speaking right now, haven't spoken since about 6 pm. He came in from dropping his kids off at the bus station to go back home after stopping with us for 11 days. I hadn't done the drying up from lunch. I was just watching a programme and then was going to do it after that but he got back earlier than I thought so it wasn't done. He said "why hasn't she done it". She being my DD. I said it wasn't fair to walk in and instantly say she should have done something when his son and daughter had been here 11 days and hadn't lifted a finger (literally). He then does this thing, which he often does, where he will shout his mouth off/say his bit and then I try to respond and he will walk off. In this instance, he said what he said, that I was lazy/my DD was lazy, he shouldn't have to walk in after an hours driving, and be expected to dry up. He wasn't expected to dry up I had just got engrossed in a tv programme and he was back earlier. But then he walks off when I try and respond. He says his bit, and then I was trying to reply and he said "oh just shut your mouth, stop going on about it". I tried to speak and say my bit/my response and he kept saying "shut your mouth" and slammed the back door. He went for a fag and then came back in and I sat at the table and tried to say, it isn't fair for you to come in and picking on me or my DD when your kids have been here 11 days and haven't lifted a finger, he wouldn't answer, he kept saying "i dont need this, you're giving me a headache, why do I need to listen to this". Eventually I lost and slapped both hands down on the table. He responded by thumping both his fists on the table, shouting in my face, and it scared me and I cried, it was just that i was scared, he said "oh now you start crying" and then he did it again, so hard that he knocked over his pint glass and all the beer went all over the wall in the kitchen and all over the table. My DD was in the other room and she started crying and I went to her and he said "oh now she's crying, oh yes oh whats wrong with her now, oh make it into a big thing".

He hasn't spoken to me since. He said at the time, "you did this". But I didn't. I did get frustrated because he wouldn't listen to me when I was trying to say that he had been allowed to speak his piece and then I didn't get a chance to respond because he just kept walking off, but I didn't do anything else to wind him up.

I'm really confused.

My ex husband (not my son's dad I seem to have had form in the past for picking losers) was a beautiful talented man. He loved me passionately. He was great at housework, generous with money (he had a lot) and took me to amazing places. He also hit me a lot. Once he punched me so hard in the back he broke my rib.
I used to think that because I was a feminist, and a strong, stroppy woman, and I fought back, with words anyway ( i was too scared to fight back physically) that it was me. I was too demanding , too stroppy, too anxious. I flirted too much with men.I was always too something.
After I left him, left our life, with thankfully no kids, but no money or property either, I realised within months that the truth was so much less romantic, and so much more mundane than I had thought: he was a common or garden abuser.
It was not my personality. My insecurities helped draw me to him, and to stay and believe in his bullshit, but at the end of the day, the person hurting me was him.

This is NOT a normal healthy relationship. Ok I don't have a relationship at all now, but then no ever tells me I am crazy, or stupid or evil now either.
I know which way is better and you are an intelligent women, so do you.

You really need to get yourself and your daughter away from him. He's a horrible bastard, he's not going to change and it's not your fault. You could make a choice to not have this shit in your life. Does your daughter know he hits you?

Why live with behaviour that scares you & your child?

Your over justification of

"I got engrossed in a programme so hadn't done it"
"he got home earlier than I expected"
"his kids didn't lift a finger"

make it sound like you are walking on eggshells & trying to keep him happy

his refusal to let you have your say is controlling & not caring about your opinion

him turning this all around on you is gaslighting

him making the bigger gesture (slamming fists in table) is his way of showing you who is in charge

There is a massive power imbalance here. If I don't get stuff done around the house, dh doesn't even comment on it, let alone make it seem like he is expected to do it all.

My daughter saw him strangle me over the sink in 2009. She was 7. She screamed at him to stop. I feel physically sick writing this.

Oh god
Could you phone women's aid for advice?
You have to leave him though. Whose house is it?

It's a rented house, in my name, but I can't pay the bills on my own. I do work.

Your daughter must be terrified for your safety mustn't she?

Have you checked what tax credits, hb etc, if any you'd be entitled to?
But non of that matters does it because you are not safe, and even if you're not in physical danger your mental health is suffering, and that of your daughter. It can't be helping your anxiety!!

She thinks hes great. She either doesn't remember, or has blocked out what he did.

Or is trying to appease him and protect you by being good?

Probably that :-(

OP, Bunchoffives has already linked you to some online copies of "Why Does He Do That?"

Long-term abuse can really erode your confidence and even your sense of self. Your posts show this has happened to you :(

You need to read the whole book. Don't let Twatchops see it.

I'm pasting an extract here, which is from the profile that most seems to fit your situation. Please remember that very few people fit a single profile exactly - abusers tend to match one profile closely, then have characteristics from the others.
Please also note that strangling is a strong indicator the aggressor will kill you, or make a serious attempt at it.

Here is "THE DEMAND MAN".

The Demand Man is highly entitled. He expects his partner's life to revolve around meeting his needs and is angry and blaming if anything gets in the way. He becomes enraged if he isn't catered to or if he is inconvenienced in even a minor way. The partner of this man comes to feel that nothing she does is ever good enough and that it is impossible to make him happy. He criticizes her frequently, usually about things that he thinks she should have done—or done better—for him.

Is every highly demanding partner an abuser? No. There are specific elements to the Demand Man's style:

1. He has little sense of give and take. His demands for emotional support, favors, caretaking, or sexual attention are well out of proportion to his contributions; he constantly feels that you owe him, things that he has done nothing to earn.

1. He exaggerates and overvalues his own contributions. If he was generous one day back in 1997, you are probably still hearing about it today as proof of how wonderfully he treats you and how ungrateful you are. He seems to keep a mental list of any favors or kindnesses he ever does and expects each one paid back at a heavy interest rate. He thinks you owe him tremendous gratitude for meeting the ordinary responsibilities of daily life—when he does—but takes your contributions for granted.

1. When he doesn't get what he feels is his due, he punishes you for letting him down.

1. When he is generous or supportive, it's because he feels like it. When he isn't in the mood to give anything, he doesn't. He is positive or loving toward you when he feels the need to prove to himself or to others that he is a good person, or when there is something that he is about to demand in return; in other words, it's about him, not you. The longer you have been with him, the more his generous-seeming actions appear self-serving.

1. If your needs ever conflict with his, he is furious. At these times he attacks you as self-centered or, inflexible, turning reality on its head with statements such as, All you care about is yourself! He tends to work hard to convince outsiders of how selfish and ungrateful you are, speaking in a hurt voice about all the things he does for you.

At the same time, the Demand Man is likely to be furious if anything is demanded of him. Not only are you not supposed to demand any favors, you aren't even supposed to ask him to take care of his own obligations. If you ask him to clean up a mess he's left, he responds, I'm not your fucking servant. If you ask him to pay money he owes you or to work more hours to help out with the household expenses, he says, You're a typical woman, all you want from me is my money. If you complain to him of how rarely he is there for you, he'll say, You are a needy, controlling bitch. He keeps twisting things around backward in these ways, so that any effort you make to discuss your needs or his responsibilities switches abruptly to being about his needs and your responsibilities.

The Demand Man is sometimes less controlling than other abusers as long as he is getting his needs met on his terms. He may allow you to have your own friendships or support you in pursuing your own career. But the effects on you of your partner's extreme entitlement can be just as destructive as severe control.

The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:

• It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault.

• You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.

• I am above criticism.

• I am a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.

OP, Bunchoffives has already linked you to some online copies of "Why Does He Do That?"

Long-term abuse can really erode your confidence and even your sense of self. Your posts show this has happened to you :(

You need to read the whole book. Don't let Twatchops see it.

I'm pasting an extract here, which is from the profile that most seems to fit your situation. Please remember that very few people fit a single profile exactly - abusers tend to match one profile closely, then have characteristics from the others.
Please also note that strangling is a strong indicator the aggressor will kill you, or make a serious attempt at it.

Here is "THE DEMAND MAN".

The Demand Man is highly entitled. He expects his partner's life to revolve around meeting his needs and is angry and blaming if anything gets in the way. He becomes enraged if he isn't catered to or if he is inconvenienced in even a minor way. The partner of this man comes to feel that nothing she does is ever good enough and that it is impossible to make him happy. He criticizes her frequently, usually about things that he thinks she should have done—or done better—for him.

Is every highly demanding partner an abuser? No. There are specific elements to the Demand Man's style:

1. He has little sense of give and take. His demands for emotional support, favors, caretaking, or sexual attention are well out of proportion to his contributions; he constantly feels that you owe him, things that he has done nothing to earn.

1. He exaggerates and overvalues his own contributions. If he was generous one day back in 1997, you are probably still hearing about it today as proof of how wonderfully he treats you and how ungrateful you are. He seems to keep a mental list of any favors or kindnesses he ever does and expects each one paid back at a heavy interest rate. He thinks you owe him tremendous gratitude for meeting the ordinary responsibilities of daily life—when he does—but takes your contributions for granted.

1. When he doesn't get what he feels is his due, he punishes you for letting him down.

1. When he is generous or supportive, it's because he feels like it. When he isn't in the mood to give anything, he doesn't. He is positive or loving toward you when he feels the need to prove to himself or to others that he is a good person, or when there is something that he is about to demand in return; in other words, it's about him, not you. The longer you have been with him, the more his generous-seeming actions appear self-serving.

1. If your needs ever conflict with his, he is furious. At these times he attacks you as self-centered or, inflexible, turning reality on its head with statements such as, All you care about is yourself! He tends to work hard to convince outsiders of how selfish and ungrateful you are, speaking in a hurt voice about all the things he does for you.

At the same time, the Demand Man is likely to be furious if anything is demanded of him. Not only are you not supposed to demand any favors, you aren't even supposed to ask him to take care of his own obligations. If you ask him to clean up a mess he's left, he responds, I'm not your fucking servant. If you ask him to pay money he owes you or to work more hours to help out with the household expenses, he says, You're a typical woman, all you want from me is my money. If you complain to him of how rarely he is there for you, he'll say, You are a needy, controlling bitch. He keeps twisting things around backward in these ways, so that any effort you make to discuss your needs or his responsibilities switches abruptly to being about his needs and your responsibilities.

The Demand Man is sometimes less controlling than other abusers as long as he is getting his needs met on his terms. He may allow you to have your own friendships or support you in pursuing your own career. But the effects on you of your partner's extreme entitlement can be just as destructive as severe control.

The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:

• It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault.

• You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.

• I am above criticism.

• I am a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.

He's going to make me feel like I need to say sorry in the morning

Oh, heck, I thought it hadn't posted! So good, I sent it twice!!

What's the worst that could happen if you just leave him? You can get tax credits, housing benefit, whatever you need.

This is not the 18th century. Why would you stay with this man? Because he says it's all your fault? Fuck him. Who made him God? You cannot control what he thinks, but then you dont need to. You can control what you do. Your daughter has no say. You are there to decide for her how her life is. You know why she acts normal, despite what she has seen? Because that IS her normal. Do you want that to be what she thinks normal life is? . She is 12. She only has one frame of reference which is her life so far. That part is up to you, believe it or not.

Your poor daughter...she already thinks that this is what relationships are, what with witnessing what she did in 2009!

This may well lead her to be in this type of relationship when she is older, you need to show her that this isn't to be tolerated.

I thought it was that good Garlic
fuck me it's late!

This thread has given me insomniac rage!

Say sorry, keep yourself safe, but make plans to leave. He's been very very violent to you before so there's obviously a possibility it'll happen again. I really think it might be a good idea to contact women's aid and tell them everything 0808 2000 247

You've nothing to apologise for. The only thing you should say to him is "pack your bags and leave". If he won't, please for your and your daughter's sake, you must go.

I really don't want to say sorry. I always feel so wronged by having to say that I am sorry. He has this perfect way of telling me how I caused things. When he strangled me over the sink it was because I had flirted with the man of the couple we had sat with all night. It is always my fault.

I don't mean that you've got anything to be sorry for at all but he's obviously dangerous and if by saying sorry you can keep yourself safe then just say it. You need to be safe for your poor daughter don't you?
Then LTB, very very soon

You shouldn't want to say sorry. You've nothing to be sorry for! But this man is dangerous. If sorry keeps him off your back, say it in exactly the tone of voice you normally would with him.

It's a tricky thing, switching your mindset from "I love him despite ... He's a good man despite ..." to the truth. The truth is you're living with a dangerous enemy. Can you make the switch yet?

I do want to leave. I hope so much all the time that he will be the man I thought he was/he was. Every birthday and every Christmas I have hoped, this will be the year for the proposal. It's 11 years in February next year (as in, 2 months) and he knows I wanted to be married. We discussed it. Yet he always tells me how he isn't ready, how it doesn't matter to him. I'm such a fucking idiot.

You're not an idiot. You were conned.