Heartache on New Years Eve..

[Applecrumbling]

Ok, split a few weeks ago. It's tough! Emotional and painful. Anyone else?

You will, you really will brontolo get through this.
I am old and what ageing gives you (apart from a beard and wrinkles) is knowing that you can get through things, that seem impossible.
Lean on your friends and family - they love you and want to help.
Godspeed

Hi . Recently came across MN having been left by my wife out of the blue, realising she clearly had decided she was off to pastures new with old flame see previous post. That was only 5 weeks ago. OK, with the honest posts on MN , it is not ME , so many people are left alone by someone else for whatever reason, but I have seen on MN , that this happens daily ! She walked without a word of discussion . My son refuses to speak to my wife despite me trying to rescue something. But .... if you can open up to this forum ,it so so helps, I am feeling so " listened to ? " . Like so many people have seen it / done it etc ? Please keep talking because my family & friends have listened , and it gets better, really it does, 5 weeks on & I am thinking hey lady, your loss. My son says the same ! Blimey 5 weeks ago ? On the phone to my brother sobbing, now ? Been to the pub but not drunk, i am good person , & time will show that . Please please , you are a person. I have progressed in 5 weeks and you will too, I have honestly. I have also started to eat properly. I didn't for days. Seems that is shock.

Drifting, glad you too have found a place with us. My relative us still holding on. In some ways I would have liked him to have passed last night, so his wife had a new year as a new start. Obviously I will never tell her that, but I got up early this morning to check my messages.

Hope you are all feeling better this morning.

Just to say to you all, take each day as it comes. It's a tough road, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there.

21 years since my first NYE from hell when I discovered XH's affair. We stayed together and moved on, 11 years since the Christmss from hell with a repeat performance... And I still didn't let go then. It's now nearly 8 years from when I did.

I'm now in a very happy place with a wonderful DP. NYE last night we were out with friends and it was just a relaxed fun evening, something I thought at one time I would never see.

There will be dark days ahead for you, but in the words of another MNer, this too shall pass. I wish you strength and peace as you start the new year.

So many sad stories and so many of hope interwoven throughout. When my thunderbolt dropped on me I didn't believe the women who had survived it and said it would get better.

I cried every day. It was a physical pain. I could never imagine it getting better. I just wanted my old life back but that was gone for good.

Like a glass that's smashed at Jewish wedding ceremonies this was never going back together.

I was lied to. I was treated with contempt. I never chucked him out. I didn't know my position. I've had a lot of health problems so I had no career, I've been at stahm and grandma. Our son and baby grandson still lived at home.

The shock was like a physical illness. Our grown up children were reeling. It was nasty, really nasty .

Meanwhile loves young dream was telling me the old chestnut, I love you but not in love with you rubbish and still living at home, while escaping when he could to have his end away.

this went on for a long time, a very long time. Don't underestimate shock. It can do a lot of weird things. The death of a marriage is akin to the death of a beloved person but there are no rituals, no funeral, no closure. Just a Long, painful unravelling.

There are all the negative emotions. Our minds are so connected to our bodies well being. Sadness, shock, grief, emotional pain, anger, fury, jealousy, rejection. Never is there a time when you need to care more for your physical body and feed it good food and nutrients but all that is lost as you sometimes eat just to survive. Smokers smoke more and drinkers drink more. It takes a long time to put it right.Some people never do. I truly believe you can die from a broken heart , from the physical aspects of not being able to care for and nourish yourself properly.

Thankfully for most of us our survival instincts kick in. Those who have Family and friends come to care for us, see that we eat, socialise us. Even those of us who don't find that spark, that flame that burns brightly that won't give in despite the odds.

Gradually we start to see the full picture. The bits we minimised that weren't good, where we compromised ourselves where we put up with 10, 20, 30 per cent bad for the 90, 80, 70 per cent good or just ok.

We realise we weren't true to ourselves for whatever reason. If we have young children it may have been for them.

Without this weight of deception dragging us down, without this lying to ourselves we begin to see that glimmer of hope. Those from turbulent relationships start to see peaceful times. Those who felt they were continually lied to no longer have to live with the burden of deception. Anger that has been suppressed for years comes up. That anger gives us energy . We can use that anger to make our flame of survival bigger and brighter.

We can plan for our own future. We no longer have to consult with another adult we can shape our own future. Adults without ties can go off and travel the world, volunteer in a third world country, spend every night at night scool learning new skills if they wish. We can embrace this freedom at whatever stage of life we are it. Young mums can plan their children's time how they wish. It's all part of the recovery process. Loving and nurturing of oneself.

Some decide they've finished with dating. Their new found freedom would be hard to relinquish . It's true, in a relationship it's all about compromise.. If you are truly loved and you are loved back you are happy to give to the relationship because your needs are met in other ways.

I wasn't ready to give up being with a man. My overall experience of living with someone for 30 years was a positive one and I felt I still had something to offer another man in the hope of getting my needs met and I can happily say it's been a very positive experience. I'm in a healthy, loving happy relationship that's based on mutual love , trust and respect.

For those of you starting out on your journey and it is a journey. Almost like a pilgrimage back to your own self, it's hard, rough and stony but with each new challenge you successfully complete I can promise you that you will gain strength, respect for yourself, love for yourself and you will find happy again with yourself or with someone else if that is what you wish for.

After several years I actively started to look for someone, up to then I was having a blast, travelling, taking up new pursuits, making new friends, helping others going through the same thing. My divorce took a long time and I didn't want to meet anyone while still married. If anyone believes in fate then there was a reason for this, unbeknown to me of course. The man I was destined to meet was still married. When he became free, he knew he wanted to meet someone. Within 2 months of being on a dating site for me and about 3-4 months for him and after A month to 6 weeks of emailing one another we met up. We got on really well. We met the next week and so on.

He admired my independence . I admired the way he had looked after himself since his wife died. He cooked for himself. He took himself on holiday. Neither of us needed each other to make us complete. We were already complete beings. Neither of us needed each other to save us. We weren't needy people. We wanted to be loved and liked by the other person but we were fully functional people in our own right. If I had met him within six months of my marriage break up I would not have been in the right head space. I needed that time with me to get my act together.

Hey! I've waffled on too long. I hope this helps someone . Wherever you are right now and whatever head space you are in I hope 2015 fulfills all your dreams and right now you feel you are down there in the gutter of your feelings, I hope you go from zero to hero this year . Love and light to you all.

Dowser - what a beautiful and articulate post. Thank you.x

Thank you Nancy.

I do get a bit carried away at times.

Give me the talking stick and I'm off. Lol

I do genuinely want to help people. To show that the worst/ shittiest scenarios can be overcome and actually work to our advantage.

Sadly we don't grow as people from a life fed on milk and honey, it's only when the hard times hit that we find our backbone of steel.

so, let's hope for 2015 our bad times if any are small and short lived and we have the backbone of steel to deal with them.

2014 was a good year for us, so I'm ordering up more of the same but then I'm very much into positivity and optimism ;-)

Thank you Dowser, that has given me some hope.

I agree, a lovely post from Dowser.

Although I'm only a few months down my road, it's not the first time I've been in that position, same H, same OW. I can vouch for all those physical symptoms. I had that last year, dreadful tinglings in my arms etc. This time round, realising deep inside me that I really had to let it go finally, I found it easier although I was in shock. We were in the middle of decorating, and I just went into auto pilot with that whilst off work. I didn't eat for I'm not sure how long, just survived on coke (drink!) and mini cheddars, and smoked like a chimney. My kids, late teenage sons, were amazingly supportive of me, we all were of each other.

I remember contacting all those In work I wanted to know, all except one person I sat next to. I knew it was going to be so difficult to return to work. I'm crying a t the memory of this now, but the hardest bit was when the person I hadn't told made a comment when he first saw me, just a kind comment about not having seen me for a while. I couldn't even look at him, let alone speak. Those first few days at work I just so wanted to get home into my safe bubble.

Two months since he left now. Day to day I'm happier, and I like living my own life without all that deceit etc etc. The kids are no longer living in a war zone. They are pleased that life is now more relaxed, although they both admit that they would have preferred that to have been achieved within the context of the marriage being put back together. They have accepted, though, that their father is weak and cannot unravel things that could so easily have been sorted with someone not afraid to deal with their emotions. One of my sons is hardly speaking to his father, and according to my other son, he thinks the first son mentioned will never repair that relationship.

I can't imagine it can ever be easy to accept the end of a long term relationship or marriage, because it was good once. However, I kept a brief diary last year whenever things were bad, because I knew that one day I would need the strength to leave, and that would act as a motivation. As it happened, he made the decision for me. When I weaken now, I recall certain events and channel my anger again. Anger is a good place to be, although I do let out my tears too. I know it all has to be gone through, and the sooner the better.

In the last few months I've tackled many things either I haven't done for years, or I've never done before. Some have been a struggle, but there has been a real sense of achievement, and it's good to realise that I really can manage things by myself. I'm still pressing on with more decorating, getting the house as I want it (hoping I will be able to stay, or if not, then just practising for my next home). I've reorganised things as I want. I've not socialised massively yet but I'm heading in the right direction. I didn't socialise too much in recent years because who knew how I would be feeling from one day to the next. I've become closer to my siblings.

When I have no contact with him, I'm good.

I'm fairly new to MN, name changed for this. But in the last two months I read a wonderful thread which was about 4 years old. It started with one woman posting about her H leaving, but then others started chipping in with their own real time similar situation, so it ended up being about 6 people doing diary entries. Over the course of 6 months it was clear to see how the women went from emotional wrecks to strong and able women. I wish I had a link to it, because it would be so good for anyone in such a situation to read it.

Anyway, my point is that I'm a typical woman, and I'm following the typical path. I've come a long way in 2 months, a number of people have commented on it.

I used to be frightened of the thought of being by myself, without a partner, I mean. I now realise that the most frightening thing is to actually be with someone who makes you so utterly miserable, makes you feel unworthy and rejected, who makes you draw on every emotional and mental reserve to get through each day. I'm now using all that strength for me, my kids, in a positive way.

Ladies, and our gentleman, Happy New Year, and wishing you all every strength. Thanks to all of those in a happier place who have taken the time to offer insight and encouragement to those of us who need it.

NYE 2015 I will definitely check this thread and post.

Marking my place this time!

NYE is a shit time anyway. Usually best to have an early night and get up all fresh the next day and head off to the shops before those with hangovers surface. That's my plan for next year. Or maybe I will surprise myself and go to the party a friend of mine holds every year, which I never go to.

Dowser and Izzie, truly lovely and inspirational posts from both of you, i am 3 months down the line from my husband of 28'years leaving me for a ow I thought was a friend and have had problems with anxiety, low self esteem and panic attacks at the sheer length and breadth of his betrayal. Reading your own personal stories has given me hope for a positive and happy future ahead, maybe not this year, but certainly next. Thank you. X

A good post Izzie.

You are doing just great. Baby steps.

Yes I got into the decorating malarkey. Went right through the house. It took two years but yes I literally painted him out of my life. I had to get some major demolition work done such a nightmare, brick dust everywhere but it was so good when it was done.

I think it was a bit of an eye opener for him. How I updated the house. He was still popping in to see grandson so he got to see the progress. I brought my house kicking and screaming into the noughties.

It was so therapeutic.

Did you go to the party?

Hi Dowser, thank you!

Decorating yes it's amazing what you can get done when they've gone, all those jobs you thought you couldn't tackle. He's been round and seen things, in particular the kitchen. When he left we had just started painting all the units, they were wood before. He was sceptical about doing it, but it looks really good now. I've done practically all of it myself, put back most of the cupboard doors. The rest are curing in what was our bedroom! The good thing also is that his OW's house I know he has said before that it's old fashioned and he doesn't like it. So that makes me feel even better about it!

We own a second property, which will probably have to be sold now. But I'm pondering just staying in the small bedroom and using the furniture from the second home as a second living room. Small consolation for losing my lovely little cottage, but I figured there will be nobody's sharing a bed with me for a looooong time, so may as well make use of the space.

It is very therapeutic decorating at such times, it's something positive. And the best thing about doing it when they are not around is that you can do it as you please. So instead of allocating a weekend to totally decorate a room, which used to drive me nuts, I paint one wall per weekend then move on to smaller jobs. It's a bit haphazard but it works for me.

No I didn't go to the party. I'm not really a party person anyway. I thought about going a few weeks ago though, sort of an "I Will Survive" moment, but decided to play safe in case I started blabbing at midnight. Next year though, maybe I will celebrate being the person I really am, instead of the person I was with him, and just go for it.

You know, I've posted on MN before under a different name, commenting on one particular thread, but I have to say that putting my own stuff down has been therapeutic and it's nice for lovely ladies like you to comment and show support. Thank you so much x

Hobbit, thank you, and I'm glad that our posts have helped. Yes, 32 years down the pan for me. I had the same 18 months ago, and I think the shock then was much worse. I've never experienced a panic attack, but this time round I have felt the need to sometimes take a deep breath, if you know what I mean.

It's been hard today as I've been photocopying all the papers, as recommended. Going through all the pension stuff, seeing all those future plans snatched away has been very emotional. I feel a bit back to square one today, and panicky about the future. I haven't cried much since he left, and it's starting to come out now. But I know that the sooner the tears are shed the sooner the healing starts.

There is so much of it about Hobbit, it's been an eye opener finding out how many longstanding marriages crash.

You take care, take things at your own pace, and be kind to yourself. Remember it's early days, and one day you will be posting here saying about how you never thought you would get through it, but look at me now.

We are all worth more than to be treated like dirt by unfaithful men, whatever the reasons for their transgressions. The problem is with them, not you, so hold your head up high and remember you are the better person.

I must admit I am so glad I found MN, up until six months ago I really thought I would be the last person on earth to be in the situation I am now, just goes to prove you can never really know someone. Hearing so many sad stories of infidelity and emotional and physical abuse just makes me realise I'm not the first, and certainly and unfortunately will not be the last woman, or occasionally man, to be in this position. But there is comfort to be found here as well as sadness, and laughter as well as tears, sound advice and encouragement that things will be ok, different maybe, but sometimes things change for the better. So thanks izzie and Dowser , WWK and whyme2014, Loriens , and green beret for sharing your stories, they have been a great help to me along with all the other lovely ladies here who take the time to read and sympathise and make comments and suggestions on how to cope with the shit coming you way , I am and will be eternally grateful.

I was also left 4 months ago - it dragged out slowly but I now know it's over - told in no uncertain terms today. So an awful NYE and a pretty bad day today. Drifting2015 you are not alone. DH had his doubts, didn't tell me till his decision was made and despite trying and hoping I've not been able to change his mind. He's written his own reality of what our marriage was like to justify leaving me and his 2 young DCs. I'm not saying everything was great but could have had a chance if he'd wanted it to, after 19 years together. I am a mess and so sad. It helps to know I am not alone by reading mumsnet so I wanted to join this thread.

Funny old world isn't it. My ex died recently and so I've been looking through some old photos. I have loads. I've come from the generation where we got them developed thank goodness.

It stirs up a lot of memories doing that. A little tip, don't chuck your photos out. Put them away and wait until you have mellowed. I think I'd convinced myself he'd never loved me ( we never reconciled before we died) but as I've looked through the photos I think he did love me. Certainly some emotion comes through in the pictures and in a funny way actually has made me feel better. Calmer. Less angry which is good. Especially our wedding photos and the ones with our young children.

Funny, I never thought I'd say that.

You lovely ladies rock. You're going to be just fine.

Dowser I did similar recently as I heard ex broke up with his wife (the OW) and it stirred up thoughts.
Looking through pictures is strange. Like you say I expect to see an empty expression as I convinced myself it was all a fake, he always used me etc. When I look through I remember the wonderful times and how he once was the person I loved and wanted to be my DCs father. It reminded me I was not stupid or naive but simply he was the one who got lost along the way. It made me see things more that he had a complete breakdown/personality change rather than that I was an idiot ever marrying him.
When DC are older I hope they too can look through photos and remember him as the dad he used to be rather than what they now think of him.
It is healing. He is still so very wrong, cruel and disloyal. He still hurt me like no other human being has and in unthinkable ways. He has still destroyed my DCs childhood and left them fatherless - but what has changed as I remember that he wasn't always that and it was not my fault in anyway and no mistake or stupid rash decision to marry him. Life just throws unexpected things at you and people change.

Zebra, Dowser, your comments are so true. The men we married changed. I still love the man I married, always will, and when I see the odd glimpse of that it tears me apart.

Oh Christ, it's been a tears day today. The sooner I get that paperwork copied, see previous post of mine, the better. Too many memories of better times and lost retirement together.

Well I'm learning to take nothing for granted. Had we remained as a couple we would have had no retirement together as he died before reaching retirement age.

My new man took early retirement and we've had a blast these last six years and certainly the last three since he retired.

Now in the midst of my heartbreaking sobbing at the death of my marriage all those years ago if my guardian angel had whispered in my ear that just 4 years later I would meet a man who would totally turn my life around what a beacon of hope that would have been.

But life's not like that . We have to rewrite our own future. My friend who was going through the same scenario as me was convinced she was going to meet someone else. Her faith was unshakeable but she is a lot younger than I am. Her positivity did rub off on me though. It wasn't as strong as hers but that little spark started to glow inside me. She got her man a year before me and is so happy. Happier than she ever was with the other one.

So, you lovely ladies. This isn't the end of your life as you knew it, just the end of that particular chapter. When the grieving process is over or while you are going through it even start to see the possibilities of a new beginning. You have a new ship to refit and you are the captain. You get to pick your crew and decide where you are going to steer it. Some might prefer local waters, others might really want to push the boat out and try somewhere more exotic.

It's just a shift of thinking. Open yourself to new possibilities and new experiences and you will be surprised what comes your way.

Sun is shining. Today's a good one ;-)

The only good part of New Years Eve was the end of 2014. The year that I found out my husband was having an affair, that he had cheated on me throughout our marriage, that he had lied to me during our whole relationship and the year that I ended my marriage.

I spent New Years Eve with my lovely sister and her family trying to forget that my husband would have been with the OW. My children wanted to go out with friends which they deserved as they have been through a lot. So when it chimed midnight I was without my children and without my husband knowing that he was with the OW. I wasn't alone and my sister has been absolutely wonderful but I was with her family not mine.

I did wake up in the morning and feel relieved that last year was finished. I think the worst is over with but I still woke up by myself without the man who was my husband for 25 years. He would have woken up with the OW. This year I will be getting divorced. This year will be the first since 1988 that I have not been married. The start of the year symbolises new beginning and new possibilities but it also reminds you what has changed and I didn't want my life to have changed, I liked it as it was.

I hope everyone on here has a much better 2015.

Dowser and Zebra thank you so much for your thoughts on your photos. I am nowhere near that stage. We have a photo on display at home of us with our daughter not long after she was born and I know now that he had cheated on me by then and it has totally tainted that moment for me. I thought we were really happy then, our family had just been completed. It just feels like lies right now so it is comforting that maybe one day I will be able to look at the photo with the fondness that I used to.

I too have felt very stupid and naïve for getting my husband so wrong and for not realising what he was doing behind my back all those years. I hope I won't always feel like that and your thoughts have helped in that respect. Thank you.

What a lovely post, Paddlingduck. And Dowser, your words of wisdom and encouragement are wonderful.

Iwas, I have PM you

Aw. I think all you ladies are amazing.

I can relate to you iwas happy. I found out after my marriage ended that my husband had had flings/ one night stands/ prostitutes throughout our marriage.

I don't know how far back it reaches but one day when I can be bothered I will study the photos. I'm aware there's a period when his face changed. Sorry, I can't really describe what I mean, I just hope you understand.

Dawned on me last night. The early photos he looked youthful, quite handsome and his face looked 'open' last night I felt I detected a change in some of the later ones. His body posture, his face....aw I can't describe it but it's different and it's definitely not something I'm picking up in my new man.

Maybe if you're keeping guilty secrets ( and my husband had a lot of opportunity as a business man who travelled a fair bit ) you have to rein yourself in quite a lot in case you give yourself away.

Like I said, I will get them out again and study them more carefully.

Might be something you want to try iwh when you feel up to it.

Day three of the new year tomorrow and we have lighter nights and good weather still to come . Yay ;-)