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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NY Resolution to Make Some Friends And Keep Them??!

43 replies

MadameLeBean · 31/12/2014 09:54

Hi everyone I think I've posted about this before in the past but I've got no friends and it really gets me down.

Yes I get on well with people at work but don't have loads in common to the extent that we would hang out outside of work.

The socialising I do is pretty much all as a couple with DP and his friends who are all married and their wives.

DP however has good friends he sees on their own without their wives.

My two best friends both moved away, one to Australia and one to Canada. We email, whatsapp etc but it sucks. The one in Australia fell out with me about 8 months ago over a stupid miscommunication and has replaced me with new shiny Australian bimbo best friend.

I'm almost 30 and all the women I know are either just married and having first or second babies or they are working all hours climbing the corporate ladder so none of them have time to hang out more than once or twice a year. I miss having close female friendships so much.

DP is encouraging me to socialise independently as well but I just can't get the "momentum" with people IYKWIM.

I have a 9 yo who sees her dad regularly & I have a job with okay hours now and have a decent amount of spare time but don't know where to start. Doesn't help I live in London where everyone is spread out so far away they might as well be in a totally different city. Plus people cancel plans all the time and it sucks.

Is this normal? How do you maintain close female friendships around this age? How do you make new ones if you've lost yours? It's so hard! Feel like people have established their close friendships years ago and can't be arsed or don't need more? I don't just want friendly acquaintances. WWYD?

I tried one of those meetup groups btw and it was awful

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameLeBean · 31/12/2014 15:27

No friends on MN either it seems Grin

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 31/12/2014 15:32

Good for you.
It's hard knowing where to start.
We can be mumsnet mates if you like? Wink

greengrassgonetoweeds · 31/12/2014 15:37

It was as if I wrote that message myself I related so well! I'm an American living outside of Ashford (married to a Brit) and find making friends here so difficult and quite frankly it's really getting me down! I had a really large circle of girlfriends in Texas and we kept each other busy and socially active. Now I've hit the friendship desert and it's tough. I'm 51 (a young 51 I think :)) so would really like some advice on what to do to meet other women who need a friend!

SunshineAndShadows · 31/12/2014 15:39

It's my resolution too! I've spent lots of time living in different places and have some great friends hundreds of miles away but nearby only loose friendships/acquaintances. I have met really interesting people through Meetup (though a fair few oddballs too!), but will persist in the new year. I'm also starting tennis lessons as I need to get fit and am hoping they'll be sociable Smile

ihatethecold · 31/12/2014 16:11

I think you really have to put yourself out there which is scary sometimes.
I certainly think its easier with toddlers and school children.

tintingirl · 31/12/2014 16:15

I recommend you join Ladies Circle - it isn't like WI, it's for 18-45 year olds and it is brilliant! Lots of different social occasions fortnightly and many women in similar position to yourself. I joined 3 years ago and haven't looked back and have made loads of new friends, not just locally but all over the country. PM me if you want more info or to be put in touch with your nearest group.

thisisnow · 31/12/2014 16:43

Maybe you went to the wrong meetup group. I went to one and it was great! Agree it's hard to make friends in London it can be a lonely place sometimes Sad

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 31/12/2014 17:08

Thanks all. I will maybe give meetup another go. I have been thinking of joining a women only road cycling group for a while, maybe 2015 will be the year! I think it's easier to make friends through a hobby..

Tintin thanks ladies circle sounds interesting not sure how to pm on the app but I'm in SE London.

Bottom line is it is effort isn't it? Even just to make sure you see friends regularly, not like at uni where nobody had anything else to do Grin

My resolution is to be less lazy and actively pursue my goal of having proper friends again..

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameLeBean · 31/12/2014 17:08

SW!! Fuck you autocorrect! Wink

OP posts:
tintingirl · 31/12/2014 17:43

The best Circle for you would be the City of London one I think, they are very active. See their Facebook page here: www.facebook.com/ladiescirclelondon or their page on the LC website here: www.ladiescircle.co.uk/london

There is an email address to contact them - do give it a try, new members are ALWAYS welcome Grin

tintingirl · 31/12/2014 17:45

Messaged you Grin

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 31/12/2014 19:02

Thanks!

OP posts:
knightofswords · 31/12/2014 21:01

We should have a permanent thread on MN for us. There are loads of threads like this one. Life is so scattered now, trying to meet people is like trying to knit fog at times.

Shall we set one up?

BTW meetup is excellent although you have to try about 4 or 5 groups before you find one you like. Also make sure it's a group with similar interests to you

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 31/12/2014 21:55

Yes yes knight! Maybe a topic in relationships ?

OP posts:
MrsMargoLeadbetter · 31/12/2014 22:50

I would argue that London has lots to offer. Moreso than a small village in the country? I know there can be a lack of community, but it is there within specific communities IYSWIM.

I'd echo others on meetup.com/other gatherings, you need to try a few. I'd be lead by what interests you, so you enjoy it anyway and friends will be a bonus.

As a "collector" of friends (and that has downsides too & my motivation doesn't really come from a good place) I would say you have to put the effort in. Make the first 'move' etc. Don't put all your eggs in one basket etc.

Good luck. Hopefully 2015 is the year for you. Thanks

Fiftyplusmum · 31/12/2014 23:10

If I were you I would join a lot of different groups, depending on your interests eg an evening class, a sport/exercise class, a book group, - the advantage of London is that there's lots going on - and then see if you start to chat to anyone in particular - it takes a long time to develop a friendship so you have to start off with superficial social pleasantries etc and kind of work up to it gradually. Also obviously show an interest in them, ask how things are going with whatever they mentioned last time, etc.

knightofswords · 01/01/2015 03:25

MLBean I will start it then.

SantaBanta · 01/01/2015 04:38

Can I join too? I seem to lack folk to be mates with - have been unceremoniously dropped from a couple of long-term groups and have lost a bit of confidence. Will bring virtual wine and cake to gatherings Smile

TJH1 · 01/01/2015 08:03

Got to say your second post made me chuckle!

ElphabaTheGreen · 01/01/2015 08:14

Another one here

Very dear friend in Australia who kindly visits every few years, an old school friend in London who I see once or twice a year, a couple of old colleagues from Wales who came to visit me a few weeks ago for a few hours and that's it. My only real 'social life' is on MN Blush A toddler and a baby make going out impossible. I tried groups when DS1 was a baby, but just found them cliquey and most of them already knew each other from NCT, which I didn't get involved in as we moved newly to our area when DS1 was six weeks old. TBF, I still have more friends than DH. We get quite frustrated by it, but we're both only children so not too bothered by our own company.

Friends would be nice, though...

Notonaschoolnight · 01/01/2015 08:14

It's a bone of contention in my house too after living in oh hometown for 20 years I've met v few like minded women I've kept a couple of decent friendship with exwork colleagues and see them once every 2 months ish but that's it my husband on the other hand is out pretty much every week

Original poster
MadameLeBean · 01/01/2015 11:31

Smile Thanks everyone good to know it's not just me

OP posts:
Sleepingtom · 01/01/2015 16:19

I experienced this too at around 30 having left my home town. I couldn't believe how difficult it seemed to be to meet friends and lost a lot of confidence.You have a child, could you get more involved in activities she does? I find I speak to mums while sitting outside ballet more than at the school gates for example. Or at school, PTA? Volunteering? Agree tho that an organised friend finding group thing may be the way forward. Where everyone is in the same boat. After years of wilderness I did a similar thing, that worked well and I have a few people to have a laugh with now. In my town there is a young WI which looks quite fun. Also keep an open mind about existing aquaintances. One of my favourite local friends is someone who it turned had been there all along as the wife of a friend of my husband's. It just took me suggesting a coffee to discover this.

Sleepingtom · 01/01/2015 16:25

Ps how about an evening class or a book group?

CalleighDoodle · 01/01/2015 17:03

Im joining too!

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