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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A question

73 replies

Questor · 31/12/2014 07:28

Is it acceptable to discreetly look at adult web sites on a phone while in the same room as your child and they are playing happily on their own?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 13:49

(Although I still don't see how I took your comment out of context!).

Somethingtodo · 01/01/2015 13:50

You need to look at how and why porn has replaced your sex-life as you are on a slippery slope to relationship over.

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 13:52

You need to look at how and why porn has replaced your sex-life

That's simple, he's chosen to use porn. It may or may not be the only or main factor in their sex life.

...as you are on a slippery slope to relationship over.

Or up the rescue winch to happiness.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2015 13:57

Joy, I think you under estimate the "anti porn brigade"

or perhaps you imagine them uncontrollably frothing on the end of a keyboard every time they see any mention of rude bits, no matter what the context ?

Original poster

Questor · 01/01/2015 14:01

vivacia do you mean I have to actually state 'do not watch porn while in the room with DC'?

only Saturday is the day I start

lweji hmm, laziness, tired from work/ early starts, we'd rather sleep. Sex not very interesting anymore, he loses his hard on during, I have said no so much he has given up. Difficult to communicate to change anything. Etc

And thanks for your other comment, took me a while to work out what you meant there

joysmum yes I did just need a perspective check, it was like 'am I going mad here, or is that not on? Yet here he is doing it' I have had to compromise myself to stay in this relationship/keep the peace/ avoid poking the hibernating bear. No more though I am womaning up. Nothing to lose time and I've been letting too much go

OP posts:

Original poster

Questor · 01/01/2015 14:08

Cross posts, but porn has replaced our sex life because it is easier!

OP posts:

Inertia · 01/01/2015 14:10

Whatever your views on porn, using it around children is totally inappropriate. Even leaving aside your own relationship issues, it's a real concern that your husband has no boundaries whatsoever around his porn use , and that it seems to be second nature to him to access it constantly, even in situations where your child requires his attention.

Only1scoop · 01/01/2015 14:12

Saturday sounds a good time as dc with GP.

Think through long and hard between now and then. There are sometimes compromises to be made whilst we parent in different ways etc. I'm afraid these issues would be beyond the realms of 'different techniques' in my family and I'm pretty sure yours....

Don't let him play down the seriousness of these issues....your gut reaction was your wisest reaction here....good luck.

Lweji · 01/01/2015 14:15

There was some recent research that showed that men who watched porn did get desensitised and needed more and more stimulation to get the same levels of arousal.
It's highly possible that his porn use has led to him losing his hard on during normal sex.
And it's possible that he does need his daily fix of porn just to get his normal happy hormone levels, without being aroused. It sounds addiction territory.

But... the rest is parenting. He should know watching porn is not ok around children, just as he should know that you can't just tell children what to do and expect an instant robotic response.

I would also suspect that you not wanting sex may have to do more with how you see him now than just tiredness and so on. You don't sound happy with him, as it is now.

I do hope you manage to get through to him, but he will have to want to change.

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 14:18

vivacia do you mean I have to actually state 'do not watch porn while in the room with DC'?

Yes, I think you do If you're ok with him using porn, and he's happily choosing to use porn around the children, it sounds as though he might reasonably presume you're ok with him accessing porn around the children.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/01/2015 14:24

I'm pro porn and I think this man's behaviour is dubious. I did watch a couple of DVDs with DS in the room when he was a very small baby (about 6 weeks) because to a tiny baby there would be no difference between porn and Postman Pat. But doing anything on your phone while bathing a toddler is lazy, selfish parenting.

Original poster

Questor · 01/01/2015 14:26

I don't think he could have taken that away from our conversation, but point noted about being specific.

OP posts:

TheyThinkImCool · 01/01/2015 14:27

Questor But porn shouldn't have had to replace your sex life, you should have tried working on ways to bring it back. I don't understand how some women don't mind that their partners watch porn, whether they have a sex life with them or not.

Original poster

Questor · 01/01/2015 14:34

I do mind, and more so as the years have hone by, now I have a dd and that it is affecting our sex life (and I have been educated by mn).

But since I knew he did it from back when we were first dating (and persuaded myself to turn a blind eye/all guys do it/ I didn't have a bunch of guys queuing up to date me) I haven't felt i have a leg to stand on to say stop it.
Anyway, he would not, he'd just hide it better.

The sex life/porn issue is on the Saturday list

OP posts:

TheHermitCrab · 01/01/2015 14:35

As usual people wander off and have a debate about porn itself because someone made a comment they didn't like.

So to answer the OP. I feel uncomfortable if my cat is even in the same room! (she likes to stare at people lol).

But yes, completely wrong. You are watching porn for sexual satisfaction, be it physically pleasuring yourself of mentally, so for someone to actually switch off the fact their own child is naked and bathing in the same room screams a terrible problem in their mind which needs sorting!

To top it off if he admits he wasn't turned on by the porn he was watching, that's some serious desensitization and addiction... You also say porn replaces your sex life, so it must still do something for him.

Children don't need constant supervision but I think anyone who can even come up with the idea of porn as a boredom buster while supervising their child is a bit off in the head!

WineWineWine · 01/01/2015 16:49

The problem here is his relationship with porn. There are no boundaries, It has taken over and that is not healthy. He should not be watching it when he is with his kids, not from a safeguarding point of view, but because of basic boundaries.

On the issue of desensitisation, men are desensitised by long-term partners, in the same way as they are desensitised by porn. Sameness loses its appeal. That's probably why many men turn to porn in the first place. However, he's now watching so much that nothing is effective any more and your sex life has gone out of the window. He needs to stop the porn completely and put some effort into his relationship with you. It's not difficult to avoid desensitisation in a relationship, with a little effort.

HanselandGretle · 01/01/2015 17:18

Compulsive, habit forming tolerance to a behaviour or substance with the knowledge that it is harmful but with little self control to break the behaviour - that's a loose and not inclusive definition of addiction.
Doing it because he was 'bored' for a few minutes?? Beggars belief. It speaks of someone with no boundaries or self respect or respect for his young childor wife. He has been de-sensitised to normal feelings by over use of the porn.
He needs help. If he doesn't see that and do something about it then he is not worth staying with. What are you getting from the relationship OP?

Laquitar · 01/01/2015 18:11

If he can not spend 10 minutes without looking at porn then he has a very serious and yuck addiction.

If the situation inpired him then even more yuck.

Un both cases he is revolting.

OP i would have taken the phone anddemand to see what he was lookung at. i wouldnt be able to be in the same house with him and only trust his words. Get his phone and check.

Jux · 01/01/2015 18:16

Deal breaker for me. With other problems it would be immediate end of relationship.

TheFourthLobster · 01/01/2015 18:21

No, absolutely no way.

Joysmum · 01/01/2015 18:31

Joy, I think you under estimate the "anti porn brigade"

I've tried to explain it's not about the attitudes of the anti porn brigade or how they come across, it's about ensuring the husband or OP have no doubts that the behaviour is seen as completely unacceptable by everyone, even those of us who aren't anti porn.

It's wrong, nobody thinks it's right.

Hippiastrum · 01/01/2015 18:45

I had a friend whose (now ex) Dh used to watch porn on his laptop while supposedly looking after their 3 year old.
Completely innappropriate.
He was a nasty piece of work who was in favour of hitting said 3 year old with his belt. He had no concept of how 3 year olds behave and had totally unrealistic expectations of the 3 year old's ability to entertain herself, respond to his instructions etc. Not saying that this is the case with this adult, but a complete lack of understanding of appropriate behaviour around small children is evident.

Handywoman · 01/01/2015 23:06

Oh wow, OP. I'm sorry but that's so messed up. With the other parenting issues put together it looks pretty insurmountable to me. Does he even know children are different to adults?

I am actually shocked, sorry

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