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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A question

73 replies

Questor · 31/12/2014 07:28

Is it acceptable to discreetly look at adult web sites on a phone while in the same room as your child and they are playing happily on their own?

OP posts:
HelloItsStillMeFell · 01/01/2015 07:54

I think this is a turning point for you. You need to give him an ultimatum. He stops watching porn, gets help for his addiction or he loses his family.

When porn becomes such an obsession that he is incapable of even spending 20 minutes caring for his own small child without looking at it, he has serious issues.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 01/01/2015 08:01

Children do not need your undivided attention every waking moment. Playing by themselves should be encouraged.

Dad sitting on the toilet, child in the bath, they're not going to see it.

Dressed children are not going to see a hard on, if he even had one.

Take the child out of the equation, in this situation it's irrelevant.

OP. The problem here is your DH's obsession with porn and more importantly the affect it's having on your sex life. You can't change him, all you can do is make him hide it better... You have to decide if you can live with it or if you need to separate.

If it were me, I'd separate. I'm not totally anti porn, I am totally anti obsessive behaviour around it & it affecting real life relationships.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 01/01/2015 08:06

Chipping I disagree. I'm sure loads of people practice benign neglect with they faff around in facebook or mumsnet, that's fine. But porn? With your young child sitting three feet away? That's just icky and wrong.

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 08:07

I agree that children don't need undivided attention all the time - but, in my personal opinion, bath time is one of the few occasions when full attention is a necessity. I don't supervise my 7 year old's baths anymore, but when I'm with my 3 or 4 year olds then they do getting full attention - either to stop the bathroom getting flooded or to stop them slipping.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 01/01/2015 08:07

while they faff around on

HelloItsStillMeFell · 01/01/2015 08:09

I don't care whether the child is in the bath or doing something totally risk free like watching telly! It's not the level of supervision that's the issue here! If you are having one to one time with your child and you are in close proximity to them it is TOTALLY inappropriate to be watching porn.

CinnabarRed · 01/01/2015 08:09

I also think it's just wrong to intentionally get a hard on around children. I don't care that they're oblivious (other than that it's a blessing that they are).

jack45132 · 01/01/2015 08:34

NO it's not acceptable in my books. Most men have looked at mainstream porn. Most men use mainstream porn to sort themselves out from time to time...ahem. BUT 'most men' don't blur the boundaries like this.... If it happened once I would ignore, if there was a pattern I would be very concerned.

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 08:49

Most men use mainstream porn to sort themselves out from time to time...ahem.

I just don't understand how you can say this so casually, knowing the conditions that porn workers work in.

Only1scoop · 01/01/2015 09:32

Have you spoken to him about this? Are you certain it was porn he was watching at the bath time....

I personally would be pretty repulsed by his timing. What was his reaction?

jack45132 · 01/01/2015 10:08

Vivacia. You have a point - I was only being honest though. My opinion (and it's only that) is that many middle aged men for one reason or another do not have the sexual relationship with their partner they would like or need to keep them from becoming frustrated - they reluctantly settle for sorting themselves out via 'mainstream porn'. In my opinion this is widespread and wait for it....normal. However in this example it's not normal.....by any stretch of the imagination. I was trying to point out there is a world of difference...

Deerhound · 01/01/2015 10:17

That is weird and in all honesty I am worried about the safety of your kids. At best I'd say he has a porn addiction and needs to get help to sort it out. I don't want to think about the worst case scenario. I'm not usually one for ultimatums but in this instance I'd say that he needs to get counselling /go to a support group or you won't leave him alone with the children.

Deerhound · 01/01/2015 10:19

I'm not "anti porn" in general btw, just anti looking at porn while supervising children in the bath!

RonaldMcFartNuggets · 01/01/2015 11:34

Vivacia it's the truth though. The sad truth.

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 11:45

I'm not disputing that it's true (however we choose to define "porn" and "regular").

What I'm saying is that we need to challenge the idea that it's ok. That's it's acceptable. We need to say, and keep saying, "Why are you comfortable admitting that you use videos of women who are likely to be victims of child abuse, likely to be drug addicts, who suffer physical injury and humiliation for no other reason than you want to". Not because it's a requirement of masturbation, but because you choose that your wank is more important.

And that's before we even get on to the effect on society in general, the effect it's having on our teenagers and young adults.

AnyFucker · 01/01/2015 12:05

op, it seems your husbands inability to go without the sexual stimulation of porn even for the 20 mins he should be interacting with his child is simply one of the major problems you have with him

AnyFucker · 01/01/2015 12:07

naked child in the bath prompts a "I know a good idea, I'll watch some porn" is a worrying association

Original poster
Questor · 01/01/2015 13:13

Reporting back... I asked him why he was watching porn while in the room with dc

He was bored and was 'just on his phone, doing other things, reading his book' as well as looking at the porn. He said it doesn't happen often (typing this I realise that sounds like its happened more than once)

I asked why he would want to be turned on while in the same room as DC, he said he wasn't. (That's possible, I imagine he's pretty desensitised Hmm)

I said you need to consider boundaries and if it would be difficult to explain to social services, don't do it.

He said right.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/01/2015 13:16

I said you need to consider boundaries and if it would be difficult to explain to social services, don't do it

I think you need to be clearer about what you need to happen. More specific.

Only1scoop · 01/01/2015 13:18

Op this along with the other parenting style issues you have posted about does need to be addressed. I think.... and quite rightly all these issues make you feel worried.

Are you able to sit down and have a discussion with him soon?

Lweji · 01/01/2015 13:19

It does look like a bigger problem of which this event is a symptom.
Why haven't you had sex in months?
If it's causing problems with the relationship, then it's a problem that you need to address with him properly.

Finola1step · 01/01/2015 13:24

Well done OP for broaching this. Now you have opened up the discussion, this would be a good time to tell him exactly what you think is acceptable and not. Cards on the table time.

Lweji · 01/01/2015 13:25

Also, and because of pp I took a look, it seems that your full on DC might actually be easier to deal with without your OH to mess up things. I don't think you should be afraid of having to deal with her on your own.

Joysmum · 01/01/2015 13:34

I think it's important for the OP and her husband to realise that objection to him watching porn whilst in the same room as a child is correct as it is highly inappropriate.

The reason I raised the point about not being anti porn is because the husband or OP could use a general objection to porn as being the reason to do many objections to his watching in it in the same room.

That's simply not the case. It's highly inappropriate and posses the risk of the child coming into contact with porn too. This is a child protection issue. This is serious and, having a number of porn users being disgusted at his behaviour could be more reassuring to the OP she's not losing her perspective.

The OP clearly had her doubts because there should have been no need for reassurance by starting a thread and that reassurance is more potent when from those of us who aren't inmediately going to launch into an anti porn presentation.

OP this is not just a case of getting arroused with a child in the room, it's protecting a child from seeing it too. It's serious.

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 13:48

I think I understand now Joy. Your point/concern was that the anti-porn users would be saying, "It's wrong because porn is always wrong"?

I think you do us a disservice in that case. I think wherever you lie on the pro/anti porn spectrum you are capable of separating the issues of porn use and appropriate behaviour around children.

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