Forgiving an affair

[brontolo]

Is it possible? I found out today my H of 10 years has had an on/off affair with someone at work. The vindictive little bitch emailed to tell me - H confirmed it.

He is desperate to do anything to make our relationship work. I just don't know if it's even possible, never mind if I want to do it.

I'd be very grateful for similar experiences of it being possible or not. I'm a total loss of what to be thinking or doing.

We have 2 children, ages 3 and 5.

Thanks.

Don't put pressure on yourself to make a decision now. Get him out of the house so you can process your thoughts without his guilt clouding your judgment. Get lots of RL support.

I understand why you're angry, but please see that name calling her whilst trying to figure out whether or not to forgive your DH is unhealthy for you. He's the one who has betrayed you the most. Be angry with her, yes, but not disproportionately to him.

I'm sorry he's done this to you. Personally I couldn't forgive, but it's a decision you need to make for yourself, for the right reasons.

You can come back from an affair if it is what both of you want, and are both committed to. It doesn't work if one or other of you is just going through the motions. It definitely doesn't work if there is continued contact with OW. It helps if you separate for a while, because it allows you valuable space, and sends a very real message to your DH that you aren't sitting at home crying into your horlicks wanting him back regardless. He needs to realise he isn't making the decisions any more.

Another perspective is that it's what they do AFTER the affair. There is plenty online as to how they should behave if they are truly sorry. From my own experience, I would certainly use that as a yardstick. In my case it spoke volumes about the fact that the marriage was dead.

Would I ever forgive an affair again? If I got a new partner? No, wouldn't go through all that again for anything.

OP I am three years past my DHs major, long, intense affair and it is OK. I will never forget and the pain has been immense, I am changed from the happy, naive person I once was.

We got through it by making a major life changing decision that has had a big impact on our lives. DH gave up his profession and well paid job to be a SAHD for a while, now earns peanuts self employed. Positively he is a transformed man and is immensely happy, having found his niche looking after us (we have 2DCs) really well. I really think he was in a very bad psychological place during that period and, although it does not make any level of affair excusable, was way out of his comfort zone. He knows this and has worked very hard to fix us.

With the support of brilliant counsellor we staggered through the first year, relaxed a bit in the second and I actually started to believe we might be ok in the third. The pain and hurt has not gone away and memories regularly intrude into my thoughts but I do believe life apart would be differently challenging. Life will never be the same again but we are richer and looking forward.

Don't paper over the cracks - take plenty of time and do what is right for you. All the very best of luck.

wasbonkers when did you know you wanted to work through it? I know it's so early for me but I'm in such physical pain with it that I just can't see how we could ever have a normal relationship again. At the same time I am distraught when I think of my children's lives being torn apart. It's such a horrid mess.

Brontolo it was so very complex and a roller coaster over weeks and months. At the core was my love for him and his for me. I had never once felt like he didn't love me despite all his awful behaviour and lying - guess that is why he'd never left. The OW was a real bunny boiler and I feared his sanity if he moved out. I think he could have spiralled into a really bad place and my children could have lost him. Will get flamed on here but I suppose the looker-afterer in me did not want this for them or him. The faith of our counsellor in us as a couple really helped through the dark times. There is no rush to make any decision but he needs to be begging now and be prepared to do whatever it takes. Hope you are ok

wasbonkers - thank you.

He is begging and desperate and I - rightly or wrongly - believe him. I think that seeing this in actions over the next few months will be what determines whether or not we can survive this. I think I've decided that deep down I want to, though appreciate my opinion on that may change. I think I believe that if there's any chance of us surviving this, then I owe it to us to try. He is desperate for us to do so and in words at least is committed to getting help and making real changes. It's a very long road ahead though and I'm not sure whether in reality we can make it.

I agree with not making any rash decisions.

You can decide whether to forgive him or not much later on.
For me the fact that he works with the ow is significant. Whilst he still works there the same temptation will always be around.

How will you cope with this?

I split from my cheating ex, he promised nothing had happened and that there would be no further contact. Unfortunately she re contacted him and that was enough for me.

I would not want to sacrifice my life to someone that I had put trust in only for them to destroy it.

Perhaps in the long run the ow has done you a favour, you have no idea what bullshit he has been feeding her with.

I tried very hard to forgive my DPs affair but in the end I put myself through 3 months of additional pain and heartache. My only advice is if you are going to try and forgive make sure he is doing all the work to make you feel loved and wanted again and not you doing the running around. It will take a long while to build the trust up again and it will never ever be the same you will have doubts for a very long time. There are a few examples of where it can work but unfortunately they are very few and far between. Just don't rush into any decisions and try and let your head take control not your heart.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was you a few months ago and like you I didn't want to make an instant decision. I wanted to take my time and see if it was possible to move on from it and if I wanted to. I then found out he had lied to me about cheating on his first wife and I knew it wasn't out of character for him so that made my decision for me. It turns out he cheated on me before too so I know I made the right decision in ending our marriage.

But, if I hadn't found all that out I think I would still be in the position of deciding what to do. I always thought that cheating would have meant the end of our marriage straightaway, but when it happens and you actually have to make the decision to turn your life and that of your children upside down it is incredibly hard.

In your circumstances I would find it impossible to continue with my marriage if my husband stayed working with the OW. Even if your husband convinces you it is a mistake and you believe that he has ended it with her they will stay have contact. You will be anxious all the time he is at work and that is a large chunk of the day. You will worry if he is telling the truth about working late.

If your husband is truly sorry for what he has done and you decide to stay together then he really should try and find another job if at all possible. I know that is easier said than done.

I asked my husband to leave when I found out about his affair as I couldn't bear to look at him. I let him come home after a few days partly because I felt more secure with him being at home, less anxious that he might go to the OW. I realised after a while that I needed space to think things through without him trying to persuade me what to do all the time.

I think that it is good to do that because it makes him realise just how serious this is when he has to leave the marital home even for just a few weeks. Hopefully it will make him understand what he would lose if he were ever to do that again. It also gives you an insight as to what your life would be like if you did split up and he wasn't living with you anymore.

Only time may give you your answer but whatever you ask your husband to do for reassurance and support he should be prepared to do without hesitation. Good luck with it I hope you make the right decision for you.

Thanks again for the supportive replies.

I spoke to him briefly yesterday about kids but he also said he's applied for a new job already. He'll leave his current one straight away if I want him too, but for financial reasons it would obviously be better if he had something else to go to. We have a few months buffer so I'll think about it over the next day or two.

He's definitely spending some time away. Just working out how and what to tell kids.

My advice to you is to take your time with your decision & don't get swayed by friends opinions. I was/am in your situation & felt that friend s anger towards my ex made me feel guilty/upset that I wasn't doing what people expected me too.
Only you will know what is best for you. Don't expect an instant conclusion to your problem. I am 1 year down the road, but have only just started to think clearly about the situation.
Unfortunately my ex can't see why I am so hurt ( his affair lasted 3 + years!) He lied in councilling & has cheated before. During discussions the blame is always at my
door.
I have given up on my marriage, but forgave him the first & 2nd time. Mad I know, but I loved him & was more unhappy without him than with. We did have good times, but being younger I think I was blinkered to how selfish he actually is.
Whatever you decide good luck. It is your decision & noone elses Only you know how you feel.

One thing I would say is that it is him who needs to decide whether or not to leave his job.

Why is it up to you to tell him how to behave?

Is it another way for him to sherk responsibility fo his actions?
Interestingly my ex just before he left said that I hadn't told him not to go abroad on a stag do. Even my dd told him it's not mum's responsibility to tell you how to behave.

It just seems to follow the cheater's script of poor little me act.

If he does leave his job will it be your fault if it results in a loss of income etc etc?

For this marriage to work your dh has to take total responsibility for all his future actions.