Forgiving an affair

[brontolo]

Is it possible? I found out today my H of 10 years has had an on/off affair with someone at work. The vindictive little bitch emailed to tell me - H confirmed it.

He is desperate to do anything to make our relationship work. I just don't know if it's even possible, never mind if I want to do it.

I'd be very grateful for similar experiences of it being possible or not. I'm a total loss of what to be thinking or doing.

We have 2 children, ages 3 and 5.

Thanks.

I don't think your decision should be affected by the fact that he says he wouldn't have admitted it. In my opinion the people who admit affairs are just unburdening themselves and lessening their guilt. They pile the load onto their partner instead.

Give him credit for the fact that he hasn't denied anything once confronted - it seems that he is now being honest with you.

I've known loads of people who've had affairs with people at work - especially men with young children. It seems awful to others, but the guilty party truly believes that they're just having some harmless fun, that it's in a separate box from the rest of their lives. They don't think through the consequences or believe that one day they will be found out.

Many colleagues will be complicit in the affair - no one else would have told you. They may have despised your h for his behaviour but they will believe that it's better for you not to know, especially if he's made it clear that he has no intention of leaving.

It's perfectly possible that this is behind him, he will have learned from it and won't ever stray again. It's also possible that he will become a repeat offender when the next opportunity arises.

Only you can decide whether you can move on from this. If you want to stay together then you don't have to forgive but you do need to accept.

I know people who have forgiven affairs.

For me, I am actually very glad that when I found out about exH's affair he made no attempt to come back. As I probably would have taken him back because I loved him, was scared of being alone and worried about the effect on the children. Now, nearly 10 months later, I am so glad I didn't stay with the cheating wanker. Life without him is great, and the children are very happy.

Do what YOU want to do, but don't stay if it's just because you are scared of being alone.

I totally agree with nooka. I am three years on and have battled with the whole forgiveness thing but in the end decided I cannot formally forgive. I just accept it has happened and that it is part of our relationship. It hasn't been easy and in some ways it may have been easier to leave. I truly believe that my husband made a mistake. He has done everything he could possibly do to help us recover. He still now apologises and will talk about it if I need to.

You are in the very early days. Take the space you need and don't make any decisions yet. I eventually told my dh that I wanted to work through it but I reserved the right to change my mind at any time if I didn't feel happy. He was happy with that. The hysterical bonding makes you fall in to a false sense of security that all will be well. Once this ended I found it very tough again. I found I needed 2 years to process things such as anniversaries and special occasions. Christmas was always tough as we had the tradition of getting our tree and putting it up as a family. He missed this the year he was seeing ow so for a couple of xmas's afterwards I felt a bit sad as I would think "this time last year he was with her when he should have been here with the family".

Good luck whatever you decide.

I forgave an affair. It took a lot of hard work. We had counselling. It's now 8 years on and our relationship is a lot better than it was before. However I still have a problem with trust, just nagging at the back of my mind that won't ever go away. I think I am ok with that actually but not everyone would be.

One night stand - forgive.
Affair with all the calculation, deception and downright lack of respect for partner that entails - unforgivable.
In the OP's case, with the kids so young, it is difficult - nay impossible - to imagine that this kind of thing wont happen again during the marriage.
Ultimately i guess it all boils down to your own sense of self respect and self worth.

simontowers it doesn't all boil down to self respect and self worth . Sometimes adults make mistakes, sometimes very serious mistakes. Sometimes other adults, with AWESOME self worth and respect, forgive the mistake. I did.

I think, for me, it would be nigh on impossible to move on. But I do appreciate that many can and do.

There are a couple of things that jump out about your posts.

1. He was never going to tell you. So he may well tell you the bare minimum to save his own skin.

1. The OW emailed you. She's either a nasty piece of work or she is very, very hurt. The latter would suggest that she has strong feelings for him. That to her, she wasn't just a fling. I think she thought he would leave you (because he told her so). This is very suspicious.

Interesting that you have no insults for him, but she's a "vindictive little bitch"
He wanted out, he says. How unfortunate that he (accidentally then?) kept finding his cock in her.

Obviously, some people have moved on from an affair and stayed together.

But I'd say you've got one of the ticks for "less likely to happen" because you've got a husband who is not taking responsibility, blaming the OW.

Quite a catch you've got there.

I've known loads of people who've had affairs with people at work - especially men with young children. It seems awful to others, but the guilty party truly believes that they're just having some harmless fun, that it's in a separate box from the rest of their lives. They don't think through the consequences or believe that one day they will be found out.

WTAF? I doubt many people cheating actually believe that it's harmless fun, you know, given that it's not. He should have thought through the consequences, and the fact that he might not have, does not go in his favour.

Many colleagues will be complicit in the affair - no one else would have told you. They may have despised your h for his behaviour but they will believe that it's better for you not to know, especially if he's made it clear that he has no intention of leaving.

Is this supposed to offer comfort, "Loads of people will have known about your humiliation"? And who gives a fuck what others thought "better for you"?

A stark degree of attention been taken off the betraying, vow-breaking cheat in your post, in my opinion.

My advice would be stay true to yourself and your values. Outsiders have no idea about your marriage and whether it is worth saving.

And run a mile from mumsnet!!!!!!

1. When you are calmer, think about what you want. It isn't set in stone and you don't have to make any promises.
2. Think about how to get to what you want - it's hard either way. It's perfectly OK to stay married if you are both prepared to do the work and IF your H is remorseful. It's also Ok to end the marriage. What you want is all that matters right now.

"Interesting that you have no insults for him"

I think that is totally normal in those dreadful first few hours after discovery. For when you are hurt, it's normal to seek support and succour from your partner (the person you thought you could trust beyond all other, and who would be there for you through thick and thin) and up to the day before that is exactly what you would have done. Getting your mind round the idea that the person you want to turn to is the very person who chose to harm you takes time. As does fully processing the realisation that many of the facets of your life are not what you believed.

Anger and insults might follow later, once the first shock has subsided. OP will, I hope, find other sources of support.

So 8 months on from finding out I'm still married.

Before it happened to me I was very vocal in telling others to LTB. But then it happened to me and I realised it wasn't that simple when you have a family.

I think it's really important to take some time to yourself..... do stuff YOU enjoy. Spend some time thinking about what you want the future to look like. Only you know if this was truly a one off/mistake. People make mistakes. Sometimes really fucking huge ones. Don't worry about what you think you should do /what other people think.

We are still together. I decided I'd rather work on things together as a family than apart. We did spend a few weeks apart which proved to me I COULD do it by myself if I wanted to. That was really important as I didn't want to feel I was acting through fear. It also showed him how muche he'd fucked up and nearly lost. He went to counselling in that time. We talked a lot. And now things are good. But thats just my story.

Look after yourself. It's a horrible thing to go through

And fwiw I know Dh would never told me about it ( in a similar way ow told me about it when he called it off-I've seen the texts).
He was ashamed and embarrassed. He wanted to forget it. And he (wierdly given his actions) didn't want to hurt me.
Take care

Agree with auntiestela - it's a defence mechanism. For the first few months OW was a mental punchbag. If I had directed ALL of my rage and pain at H he'd have spontaneously combusted! As I calmed down a bit and was able to rationalise I was very clear that there was only one person to blame and she was an irrelevance. But by then the madness has subsided a little.

It is possible, and worth it IME, but it's hard going.

We're 2 years on and we're getting married this year (been together a LONG time).

My DM likes to throw it in my face every now and again (she did this a couple of days ago, even though she loves my DP) which is nice , and people who know, going through the same thing may seek you out if it happens to them (also happening to us at the moment)...So it's not really something that you can forget. You have to learn to live with it and accept that it happened. If you can't do that you will argue constantly as it won't just dissolve and go away.

My initial reaction was to kick him out and forget about him as I didn't want to be 'that woman' - the stupid one who forgives.

He was away for 4 weeks, we did some talking while he was away, I told him I wouldn't even speak to him if she was still in the picture. She was phased out rather than blocked out initially, after she tried to stay in contact quite forcefully, she was blocked out (he didn't move in with her, he was staying in a friends, which I know is true). I thought she'd been completely blocked from the start and this caused a few problems when I found out she'd been emailing and getting her friends to call my home pretending to be service calls if I answered but passing the phone to OW if he answered, and they'd met up in a park on her lunchbreak so he could tell her what was what and 'Sorry, but that's it' (I'll never know for sure what happened at this meeting, I have to take his word for it and I trust it was what he said).

I needed him to be away. I wanted to see what happened, where he went, who he turned to, who he missed. It wasn't OW. This is the only way I actually felt his remorse. He will have loose ends to tie up, mess to unravel, time to get his head together and come to terms with the fallout - I just didn't want him to do that under my nose. It was his to sort out. My advice to you would be to do the same - take control of the situation and make him work to put this all back together (if that's what you want - you may decide you don't want him). Good luck.

I'm not criticising the OP for insuring the OW. I just think she needs to note the anger that prompts that, and where the anger should actually be directed. It might take time, but I think it's worth pointing out.
I have NO research basis for saying this, but it is my opinion that a successful marriage post affair won't happen if the cheated on party cannot express their hurt / anger / disappointment to the real cause.

FWIW, I divorced a cheat. I was angry with him, not the women he (paid to) have sex with.

We are all different.
I said I would try to forgive and move on but when it came to it, I just couldn't. He'd killed everything with his actions.
So we split.
Many people though can get through it and some come out stronger for it.

I think staying and working at it is the much harder option.

Get yourself some space away from him and think about what YOU want.

Please remember to look after yourself as well.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

It is absolutely possible to forgive, not forget. The key is communication, absolute transparency and without wanting to sound trite - love.
Give yourself time as so many have said and go forwards from there.

Thank you everyone. It's surprisingly helpful to read the range of opinions. I still have no idea where my head is but it's really helpful to at least know there probably isn't one correct answer.

Just to clarify, I am disgusted with my husband. My vitriol towards the OW in no way diminishes my hate and disgust towards him. I can't begin to put into words how I feel a out him. Being angry towards the OW and him are not mutually exclusive.

She's married with children. Her husband doesn't (didn't?) know.

I have asked him to leave for a while and my mum is coming to stay. I am hoping some space will help.

I think that space is absolutely crucial and I'm so glad that you've some real life, practical support too.

Make sure you confide in your mum.
Get as much real life support around you as possible.
I kept my OH dirty secret for too long.
It's a huge relief when you get it out there and can discuss options with others.

Depends on what your DMs like, to be fair hellsbellsmelons

I told mine and still to this day wish I hadn't. She screamed and shouted at me, wouldn't let me have my own thoughts and kept asking me 'How do you think this makes me feel? I can't sleep!' as I was a hollow mess sitting there like a zombie.

Choose your confidants wisely. I pretty much told anyone who'd listen because I was so definite I wouldn't have him back. Wish I hadn't now though.

So she's risked her own marraige by telling you. She saw this as much more than a fling.

My dh saw his OW as the love of his life, and she felt the same way (she was also married with children). They were like delusional teenagers, sending each other terrible poetry and totally caught up in the chemistry of things. It was a total fantasy bubble. I don't think that's particularly unusual, an unreal 'perfect' escape.

I second getting lots of support from people who know and care about you. Tell whoever you want, but do be aware that they may all have strong opinions on what you should do, and some of them may see your life as a bit of a soap opera. Both can be irritating!