I am the woman I hate...

[HonestLie]

I have now knowingly and unwittingly (I realise the contradiction) become the OW.

Please bare with me. At 16/17/18 I was played spectacularly by one guy. Have recovered and maintained a good friendship with this guy despite his actions.

Long story short (sorry its still long but I'm trying to condense 10 years). I met a guy aged 16 he was 28. We had a thing and then I found out he had a girlfriend. I broke things off, they split up we started things up, they got back together we broke things off and so the cycle continued except things never were broken off between them it was all a lie. I often found out things were fine between them when she turned up (and by turned up I mean it was clearly an arranged visit). I finally ended things but we remained friends. I put my willingness to be friends down to being young as to be honest if someone treated me that way now they would be told to fuck of to the far side of fuck and be done with it.

Anyway, he moved away to where his girlfriend (now wife) lives and I got on with my life but due to the fact I am very close friends with his sister I have always maintained contact with his family. I have also remained "best friends" with him. Regular email/facebook/viber contact, Recently he had an unexpected visit home due to a family bereavement and he basically told me (I'm going to bullet point this to keep it short)

1. His wife had cheated on him
2. He told his wife he had cheated on her with me (He told her this years ago apparently)
3. She had asked him if she hadn't fallen pregnant would he be back here with me and his response had been yes.
4. She had read through our PM FB conversations and that she thinks there is some kind affair continuing on his visits back (there isn't)
5. She hates me (I already knew this although struggled to determine why until I realised what he had told her about the cheating even though I had at the time thought it was when they had split up)

I had for the last 8 years thought we were just very close friends. He has confined, as have I about many aspects of our personal relationships. That has now been misconstrued and taken correctly as an EA.

I am clearly a horrible person because I am equally torn between tearing him a new one but waning to be friends (he has, in my head been my best friend for 8 years) and tearing him a new one and walking away. Obviously the latter is what I should do, his wife must be devastated she absolutely (understandably) hates me and he a wanker of the highest order but I still feel heart broken losing my version (which he isn't) of my best friend.

I can't make this right for her. I wish I could but the only thing I can think to make it better is to walk away.

I know it's garbled and there may be many questions. I will answer any of them but am really looking for some advice and any support.

Apologies in advance for typos. Have had a few and on phone.

She knew before the wedding. I said apparently it was years ago last night and I'm not sure why as I do know this to be correct (now)

So what's the dilemma?

Your life sounds great.

This bloke hasn't occupied your head for any time really up until now (which means you're not best friends btw).

Just politely say you're not interested in him romantically. Then when he leaves, de friend him and his wife on FB, delete his number and quietly fade entirely out of his life.

No drama. No fuss. No enmity. Just a healthy clean break.

Unless you love drama of course.

And yes you're allowed to be sad. But be sad that this man is never ever going to be a good person.

At the wedding I knew that they had been together when he had told me they hadn't yes. She was actually the one that sent me a save the date email and asked for my address. Him and I by that point had been friends for 4 years. I had been in their company several times. It seemed like the right thing to do at that time.

I don't think she knew it was unwittingly. I sincerely doubt she knows the entire truth. He told her he cheated on her with me at the start of their relationship. I don't know exactly what he said just that she knew.

And Winky I think you've misunderstood he is/was my best friend. What I said was he hasn't occupied my time anymore than other friends less because of distance. We usually chat 2-3 times a week.there isn't a dilemma as such I'm just not sure how to handle it all.

The selfish part of me doesn't want to lose my friend. The realistic part is realising that the friendship was a bit of a sham from his end and the compassionate part wants to tell him he's a complete twat for everything he has done to his wife and has then tried to use me to one up her in the cheating stakes and walk away.

I also do know she's cheated. His Mum told me she had discussed it with her.

I have more than his word on that one otherwise I would be doubting it also.

What winky said

And then I guess there is the right part. Leave it, walk away. Deal with it next year when I will have to see him (big family event that we will both be attending)

Does his wife know that you chat on the phone 2-3 times a week, and that you FB etc each other ?

Given that you don't trust him, he's a cheater and liar,and his marriage is in trouble because of infidelity - how is your " friendship " with him helping either of you ?

I agree with the poster down thread who suggested that you like the drama of it all. Why on earth woudl you be discussing your Bfs wife's affair with his mother?

If you are such a close friend of this man and his family,how coudl he still be with his wife but you thought they had split up?

Even if you are not physically involved with his, you are obviously emotionally involved in an unhelpful way .

She overheard the conversation where he told me about it and she asked how things were etc. I didn't initiate some kind of conversation with her about it.

He would tell them they had split up too. It was very early on so they didn't have contact with her. Nobody really used FB at that time either. We don't speak on the phone 2-3 times a week maybe once on phone or Skype and we would message each other, same as I do with a lot of friends. I didn't really give it much thought of she knew or not as I wasn't aware that he thought we were anything other than friends.

I don't like drama. I am generally speaking one of the most drama free people. This isn't some dramatic situation its a shitty one that I'm trying to process that's all. I've already pretty much said I'm going to stop contact as its the right thing to do.

I just wanted to talk it through, that's all. Should maybe have not bothered.

His mum is very disloyal to be discussing her sons private life with you. It all sounds like something off the Jeremy Kyle show. Very icky.

Ok, so he played you and his wife spectacularly, but she stayed with him, you remained friends with him (he must be very charming )

You put the fact that you've remained friends with him down to youth, except you're still agonising over him now, so you have either learned nothing or are still not mature enough to make choices to protect yourself from twats.

You thought you were having a friendship, he thought he was having an emotional affair. Cut him out and let him get on with his life without you in it. Personally I'd be making damn sure his wife knew that you thought they weren't together when you were with him, that you were not complicit in an affair, if that's true.

She wasn't discussing anything behind his back. She overheard him telling me and then asked how things were going. She then had said in passing to me/him that she had spoken to her a couple of times and she is very sorry and is trying. Basically was saying that he has agreed to try and get past it so he either should try or if he can't should end their marriage but that he had to stop punishing her. It wasn't some sneaky wee chat we had privately.

What I meant was i remained friends with him at the time because I was young and a bit daft. Over the years as I grew up basically I thought all the immature crap was long behind us and genuinely did value his friendship. What I trying to say though is from my PoV the friendship was a healthy normal one. I've never lied to partners about my friendship, my ex once read through our conversations when we were having a rough time to see if I had spoken about our problems and actually said we were a couple of boring b's because the conversation was so mundane. It wasn't some seedy conversations just normal stuff.

I know you are right with respect to cutting him off. I'll miss the friendship I thought we had. Should I just go radio silent (as I have done for the last 10 days) or should I tell him why stopping contact?

I think messaging her is just stirring the pot. It's their marriage and I do believe they have to fix it in their own way. I don't want to cause her anymore pain. I still can't believe what he said to her. It is one of the worst things I could think of being told.

I think that's what I'll do then. If she was to ever ask me i would be honest with her. I couldn't lie to her but I don't want to open a huge can of worms either. I hope for the sake of their children they can sort everything out. Hopefully it'll be easier for her once she realises I'm not longer in touch with him.

Very true I would usually think they are as bad as each other but honestly I can't in this situation. She maybe shouldn't have also cheated but he is a right shitbag eh?!