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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can dv ever be just a one off?

38 replies

Miserablenamechanger · 30/12/2014 20:16

If one partner shoves another? That person is devastated, remorseful, acknowledges that it was abusive and wrong, hates themselves for doing it, and the behaviour is totally out of character and they swear it will never happen again.

Is this possible? Can the relationship be worked on? There are ups and downs. This is the second worst down.

OP posts:

Deserttrek · 30/12/2014 20:19

Anything is possible.
But what was the 'first down'?
I think you may want to contextualise.

MiniTheMinx · 30/12/2014 20:20

Depends how far into the relationship the first incident happens

Joysmum · 30/12/2014 20:21

Yep.

lemisscared · 30/12/2014 20:21

takes a deep breath

yes i believe you can move on from it. it very much depends on the circumstances.

two people at the end of their tether, extreme pressure .... snap. it happens. its happened to me. neither myself or my dp are abusers. its in no way acceptable but it isn't ALWAYS abuse. no punches thrown just jostling in our case.

Original poster

Miserablenamechanger · 30/12/2014 20:22

First down was child dying.

Been together 8 years. Married 2.

Lem your answer gives me hope.

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 30/12/2014 20:23

Yes, it can, as a one off moment, everyone's circumstances are different but yes, it can be worked through if you both accept it was wrong and both want to work it all out

Deserttrek · 30/12/2014 20:24

I think to make these posts more meaningful, and helpful, which we all want to do OP, you may need to elaborate more. As best you can or want to of course. I sensed a lot of feeling in your opening post.

Original poster

Miserablenamechanger · 30/12/2014 20:25

Context was couple arguing. Person A had been very nasty, woke Person B up by shouting at them. Person B was crying and explaining the upset, Person A turned away and laughed. Person B 'snapped' and shoved Person A, ostensibly to force them to pay attention.

Person B has been struggling a lot lately with other problems, self harm, feelings of worthlessness, and it is possible it's all come to a head.

OP posts:

Original poster

Miserablenamechanger · 30/12/2014 20:27

There are issues in the relationship, and person B, the shover, has many personal issues right now which Person A is struggling with.

But we love each other I know that and I know this was out of character and both of us want to forgive and move on. I just don't know if I can.

Hence asking the collective wisdom of mumsnet. Does an act of abuse make someone an abuser, I really want to believe no.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 30/12/2014 20:29

Sounds like it was an act of desperation not abuse

Deserttrek · 30/12/2014 20:31

A child dying. Uff....that is hard. Not sure where that fits in with the dv unless there is some blame attached to one party for the death. In which case, the blame becomes irrelevant, wont achieve anything, unless you want it to.

But you/both may benefit from some counselling. What is important is recognition of wrongs, to wrong is human, growing individually, moving on, then growing together. Then anything is possible. Everything.

trackrBird · 30/12/2014 20:31

Waking someone up by shouting at them, and mocking when they are crying and explaining: those things are abusive and cruel.

lemisscared · 30/12/2014 20:34

i am so sorry for your loss. you have experienced every parents nightmare :(

it explains things i think. I think that in these circumstances it means even more that you cannot ignore this. Have you had any counselling? you and your partner?

i think its worth visiting your gp if you haven't already and ask for a refferal for counselling. maybe post in bereavement on here as sadly there are many parents who have been through similar.

this was a wake up call i think that you are both at the end of your tether and need support.

Original poster

Miserablenamechanger · 30/12/2014 20:36

No, losing our daughter is unrelated, was nearly 3 years ago now. But that was the worst point in our relationship, this is definitely the second worst.

Desperate is the perfect word mini.

I hope neither of us are abusers, but flawed, massively flawed individuals who want to fix this together.

I completely agree that the shouting and mocking was abusive too. Which is in no way an excuse for lashing out physically.

OP posts:

Buttercupsanddaisys · 30/12/2014 20:36

"Does an act of abuse make someone an abuser?" I think it demonstrates that that person has the potential to abuse again. If they do or not, surely, depends on their own self-awareness?

Original poster

Miserablenamechanger · 30/12/2014 20:37

We are at the end of our tether for different reasons now. Person B is a tad depressive, struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts, and person A is really struggling with that and backing away a bit. There is a lot of anger.

OP posts:

Toughasoldboots · 30/12/2014 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiniTheMinx · 30/12/2014 20:42

I think outside impartial professional help is needed here. Both people seem absolutely lost and unable to cope. Backing off will make the other desperate, the desperation will push the other further away. You need to seek professional help. Psych assessment, counselling and also relationship counselling.

Branleuse · 30/12/2014 20:46

i think both people need to talk about their loss and other things including their relationship. Of course anyhingt can be a one off, but never be complacent

trackrBird · 30/12/2014 20:48

Does person A - the shouting, waking and mocking person - feel as devastated and remorseful as person B? Just as willing to admit wrongdoing, and try to improve?

Joysmum · 30/12/2014 20:49

Am I wrong to believe the term abuse/abusers relates to a pattern of behaviour?

MiniTheMinx · 30/12/2014 20:53

difficult question joy I guess many people would say an act can be abusive, without knowing the motivation or intention of the person carrying out that act. The difference btw murder and manslaughter??? might indicate that it might be more helpful to understand motivation and intention. Although try getting an abusive person to explain themselves!

Original poster

Miserablenamechanger · 30/12/2014 20:55

Person A is just as remorseful as person B.

Person A is also insistent that their behaviour caused B to 'snap' and that they should be forgiven.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 30/12/2014 20:55

I think they should perhaps agree to forgive each other

Original poster

Miserablenamechanger · 30/12/2014 20:58

Ok so. It's not a drip feed I hope but I wanted impartial opinions. I'm person B. My husband is person A.

I am in a terrible, dark place. I'm not sure but it's come on since I had the implant put in, so I'm having it removed and requesting counselling at the same time.

DH isn't blaming me for my behaviour at all, feels he pushed me to it, and is very sorry for his actions. He knows he is struggling to support me through my misery and gets very angry if I harm myself.

I am struggling to forgive myself and to understand why he wants to be with me. I am disgusted with myself and feel like an abuser. I'm horrified that I snapped and can't see a way forward.

DH can, and asked me to come and ask MN cos he knows I'm here a lot and value the opinions here. He thought if you all could see a way forward, maybe I could too.

If it makes a difference, I know I'll never touch him in anger again.

OP posts:

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