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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narc mother fed pineapple to my baby today

63 replies

123upthere · 29/12/2014 22:16

Just that really - history of DM being abusive in my childhood to my siblings, so I'm very very wary of her near my kids. Visiting this week at their house and today she has somehow managed to feed pineapple to my 10mth old, as baby had 3 dirty nappies in one hour containing undigested chunks of pineapple when we changed her at my in-laws get together later today in afternoon. I haven't mentioned it to DM as have gone to bed as I'm exhausted but should I mention it before we leave tomorrow or just leave it? I know DM wants an argument - it's in the air, she's very passive aggressive about everything so I've come to bed to avoid her. Don't want a confrontation but yet I'm so sad and angry that poor baby had upset tummy today because of her. (knew she had fed her as most of pineapple was gone from its dish in fridge when I checked when we got home plus she was supposedly feeding her 'toast' while I took a quick shower this morning Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
123upthere · 29/12/2014 22:45

Thanks yes I know what she was doing as I said please don't give her pineapple ( she was eating Greek yog & pineapple) so instantly I regretted saying that as I knew she would do it anyway

Yes there is history of silly arguments I suffer with anxiety and so yes anxious around DM and prob over protective of baby today but also have reduced contact considerably in the last year & put 'boundaries' in place to protect myself from her

I guess I'm just exhausted after a few days here and need to get home to our safe peaceful home. Tomorrow can't come soon enough

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 29/12/2014 22:48

Fresh pineapple gives me diarrhoea every time I eat it. Some people don't get on with the bromelain enzyme in fresh pineapple (the canning process destroys the enzyme in tinned pineapple). I'm one of them. Sounds like your daughter is the same, OP. Doesn't mean it was a calculated act of sabotage, if you see what I mean.

maddy68 · 29/12/2014 22:52

My babies ate pineapple from weaning. What on earth is wrong with it?
Think you need to look at wider issues here.

I would gave no issues at all with anyone feeding that to my child

Didactylos · 29/12/2014 22:55

bit harsh on the OP here

its the behaviour not the pineapple itself
if OP specifically requested not to give the food (for whatever reason - allergy, intolerance or just not considered suitable) then to chose to not only give it anyway but then lie about it is crappy behaviour. It smacks of point scoring and 'i know best/will prove you wrong'
putting baby through an unnecessary stomach ache, OP through worrying whats wrong (with known anxiety) and underscores that you cant trust the individual concerned to respect your wishes /instructions around child

DustBunnyFarmer · 29/12/2014 22:59

Yes, I just saw your follow up where you said you asked her not to feed it to your daughter, OP. In which case, she's pissing all over your boundaries, even if she wasn't intending to make your daughter ill.

Original poster
123upthere · 29/12/2014 23:00

Thanks Didactylos, you've explained it better than I did upthread. It felt exactly like that, I knew baby wouldn't react well to the food 3 pieces of raw pineapple can upset my stomach so I was wary of giving it to baby. Btw baby eats practically everything, I'm not fussy baby is 3rd child here so I know what works/what doesn't.

I'll be leaving the issue won't raise it tomorrow. No point really.

OP posts:
Original poster
123upthere · 29/12/2014 23:03

It's just that I'd rather if she had a problem or issue with me that she'd address it directly with me rather than behaving weirdly with my kids in front of me (feeding them pineapple seemingly benign act/taking son to hairdresser without my knowledge getting his curls cut off 3 yrs ago/etc etc) it's all some kind of game to her

Distance thankfully is the only thing that works but I'm just a bit Sad tonight as I thought Xmas in General had passed off rather peacefully without upset from her

OP posts:
Violetta999 · 29/12/2014 23:05

I agree don't raise it but if you see another pineapple just mention in passing that it's a shame DD can't have it as it gives her pain

DandyHighwayman · 29/12/2014 23:10

Agree the actual pineappleincident ain't the problem, rather the fact that you cannot trust this person.

My answer would be to minimise, reduce or even cut contact.

I have a close relative who behaves in a similar manner towards me and my dcs. We see them but rarely precisely because the person is upredictable and downright dangerous. My sympathies op.

Original poster
123upthere · 29/12/2014 23:19

Thanks Dandy - unpredictable is the word I needed. I hate not knowing what she'll do next. I've felt knotted whilst here with awful headaches. I have a strong reaction to her presence had thought I had it shaken off this last year but feel back to square one again. Will have to begin again to reaffirm daily positive self talk as therapist advised.

OP posts:
tanukiton · 29/12/2014 23:43

i get it 123 my mum is a bit like this on a minor level.

My baby was EBFed. I had just fed him and ask granny to hold her while I went to the loo.
granny said 'oh if he cries I will give her some water.' Err no i have just fed him. 'Oh I can give him boiled water in a spoon'. Err I just said no he doesnt need it.
Off I pop to the loo, come back and DM is trying to give him boiled water. From then on if i said i EBFed ds she would try and correct me with 'yes but I gave him boiled water!!
On the surface she could say .oh i just gave baby boiled water why is tanuki getting so angry? isnt she the control freak?

really I DIDNT care about the boiled water it could have been milk from the virgin maryd then used it to try and get a rise from me because YES i did want to be in control of my baby and not be overlorded by her!! (and breathe)

In your case it is constant right? which is why you are getting all mixed up about it .
On the surface it is just pineapple but if you dig deeper it is about control and because it is your baby you cant just relinquish control which if it was just you, you could. So your mum is trying to vie for control of your baby and you dont want to let her hence getting stressed about the pineapple

tanukiton · 29/12/2014 23:45

ophs forgot to preview (sorry about the typos)

Blu · 29/12/2014 23:53

"I said please don't give her pineapple ( she was eating Greek yog & pineapple) so instantly I regretted saying that as I knew she would do it anyway "

Right: that is the problem. The fact that you specifically asked her not to, and she waited until you were out of the room and deliberately did the very thing you had asked her not to.

Home tomorrow, and not a moment too soon.

seoladair · 30/12/2014 00:06

Oh dear. I have a very distressing MIL, and a long thread about her running currently on the Relationships board. When my daughter was 10 months old, MIL fed her liver pate and made her vomit. She had been told that DD had been fed, and we had left extra food for her. But no, she had to take matters into her own hands. I don't know what your backstory is, but you sound upset and stressed. Sending hugs...

Original poster
123upthere · 30/12/2014 00:50

Seoladair, Blu & Tanikiton - thank you at least to know others have experienced this behaviour from a DM - confusion andixed feelings indeed here as yes she's my mother ie supposedly unconditionally on my side throughout whatever life throws right? But yet the huge irony is that she is the only 'bad' in my life, the only problems in my life are the result of her trying to stir up silly arguments so petty - pineapple of all things - where I'm in the room not saying anything as I'm desperately trying to avoid confrontation yet internally trying to figure out what the hell is going on with this woman

Just like I always did as a child really.

But yes tomorrow home first thing early breakfast then off. Thank you all for posting it's such a support

OP posts:
Original poster
123upthere · 30/12/2014 00:51

Typo - sorry - should be tanukiton

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2014 01:20

Sounds bloody stressful 123 Sad

As others have said, it's not the pineapple itself, it's everything else behind it.

Do you feel able to reduce contact even more? If she gets you this stressed and if she brings nothing positive to your life, is it worth subjecting yourself to her behaviour?

Ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2014 01:21

Sounds bloody stressful 123 Sad

As others have said, it's not the pineapple itself, it's everything else behind it.

Do you feel able to reduce contact even more? If she gets you this stressed and if she brings nothing positive to your life, is it worth subjecting yourself to her behaviour?

EssexMummy123 · 30/12/2014 01:51

If your that concerned then don't ever leave them alone together.

CheerfulYank · 30/12/2014 01:56

Giving her pineapple is no big deal.

Giving her pineapple after you expressly said no is a very big deal indeed.

sykadelic · 30/12/2014 02:45

I actually would address it. She's probably fed the baby pineapple to prove that it wouldn't do anything and that you're paranoid and will bring it up at some point that "you didn't know about the pineapple so you aren't always right".

I would (calmly) tell her "I know you fed X pineapple yesterday even though I asked you not to. She had an upset stomach all day and because of you she was in pain. Next time please trust that I know my own child and don't do something, or give them something I've asked you not to." If she tries to sound off, or denies it or anything just say something like "there's no point arguing, I just wanted you to know I know." Don't get upset or show her you're upset.

Meerka · 30/12/2014 07:40

as yes she's my mother ie supposedly unconditionally on my side throughout whatever life throws right?

they're supposed to be, but it's sometimes an ideal that just isn't fulfilled.

Or to put it another way, all politicans are supposed to be honest, all journalists to not exaggerate and all businessmen to care about their employees' welfare. All mothers are supposed to be there with unconditional love.

Might be time to reassess the situatoin carefully, pros and cons

Original poster
123upthere · 30/12/2014 09:49

I addressed it calmly - 'baby had upset tummy all day yest and had pineapple in her nappy someone must've fed it to her at breakfast' As predicted her first response was it wasn't me! I just gave her toast like you said! I said well that's very very odd as you were the only one feeding her at breakfast yest Hmm

We're packing up, I'm avoiding avoiding avoiding any confrontation this morning cannot wait to leave

OP posts:
Namaste100 · 30/12/2014 10:03

Hi 123...
Gosh your thread has hit a cord with me and I feel I get your angst...The fruit is a minor part if this ( not to minimise your annoyance) You noted your DM behaviours in your childhood..it's clearly ( sadly) left emotional 'scars'...My relationship with my DM sounds very similar..an upbringing by a cold emotionless person led to a huuuuge barrier being put around myself for the past 20 odd yrs.. I live 100 miles away and until summer contact verbally & physically has been minimal..I would visit,but counted down the clock from minute 1 of arriving until we could depart..We got closer over summer as i dropped my guard and asked for optional support ( first time as an adult) She was surprisingly great.. But it wore off quickly and I'm back to annoyance again Confused So pineapple aside..I get it.x

Namaste100 · 30/12/2014 10:04

Typo ... Emotional support Smile

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