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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

25 years in a EA relationship. H due to move out in new year. How do I survive it

39 replies

Homealonemom · 28/12/2014 23:57

I'm scared. I thought we would always be together. I thought he would change.
I have stuck by him through 25 years of major ups and downs. Over the years his jealousy, controlling abusive nature has ground me down. I was once full of life, bubbly and outgoing. I am now anxious, worrier and have lost my zest for enjoying life.
We have had 2 years of couples counselling which helped me with anxiety issues but didn't help us as a couple.
A few months ago I told him I couldn't go on anymore like this and he agreed that he would find somewhere to live. Which he has and he can move in to it in a few weeks.
In the meantime he has changed. And the changes are massive. All for the better. However do I take the risk that it will last? Why didn't he make these changes before? When we started counselling why didn't he try then 2 years ago.

I just feel so let down. I don't want to be suckered back in only to be let down again. Is it possible for someone to change to that extent.

We have 2 grown up DC.
He has previously called me names including c**t, slag, bitch. Accused me of having affairs. Lazy, told me I'm only with him for money. It's all rubbish.
He is worse when he's had a drink. He punches walls and throws things.

He has cut down on his drinking, he is calmer and much more chilled out. But is it because he us losing control. He starts his own counselling next week.

What do u lovely people think I should do?

OP posts:
however · 29/12/2014 00:00

Don't change your plans. Don't. Change. Your. Plans!

Thrive.

Re-discover that bubbly, happy person.

Focus on you, not him. Make it all about you.

kittybiscuits · 29/12/2014 00:03

Yes don't change your plans. All he is showing you is that it was in his control all along, but he just wasn't motivated to change. Until now. This man will not make you happy and he does not have your best interests at heart. When he doesn't need to treat you better, he won't. Twenty five years you have waited for this man to treat you properly - does it really matter if it changes now?

whitsernam · 29/12/2014 00:05

Real change takes years. Many people can change their actions for a short while, when they see the need for it, but to really change inside and have their habits change takes much much longer. Do not change your plans!! He has never seen you as an equal, from what you say above, and learning that you really are equal, strong in yourself, is something he may never "get".

Original poster
Homealonemom · 29/12/2014 00:34

Thank you for your replies. I DO agree with what you all say. I am just scared and then I doubt myself and my actions.
The last few weeks have been very stressful and I think he thinks he will win me over.
I feel strong most of the time.
I am scared that the anxiety will resurface and I will get dragged down.
I work full time. The salary isn't huge but enough to get by.
My DC are very supportive.
It's just not a position I wanted us to be in. I am a people pleaser and a fixer so this is hard to take. It feels a huge failure and it makes me sad

OP posts:
however · 29/12/2014 04:29

When is he due to move out?

Original poster
Homealonemom · 29/12/2014 07:34

Next week

OP posts:
Purplecircle · 29/12/2014 07:40

He's manipulating you into changing your plans. If he pretends to be a better husband you won't make him leave.

Do. Not. Change. Your. Plans.

He will revert back to being abusive in weeks if not days, if you do

davejudgement · 29/12/2014 07:57

He's like the thief that's not sorry he stole only sorry he got caught.

His changes are fake

Let him go and find yourself

18yearstooold · 29/12/2014 08:02

Have you seen proof he's actually got a place to move into?

He is still trying to manipulate you, he's had years of practise

You need to let him go, you can't fix him

You will cope by yourself -the fact your children are supportive speaks volumes

Teds77 · 29/12/2014 08:04

Please do not change your plans. I'm sure everyone who posts here will say the same. It will be tough but it's absolutely the right decision x.

Original poster
Homealonemom · 29/12/2014 08:14

Yes I know he has def got somewhere to go, I just don't know the exact day. I know he is stalling.

OP posts:
however · 29/12/2014 08:17

Are you sure he'll go?

IDeserveMore · 29/12/2014 09:07

Absolutely DO NOT change your plans. He is changing on his own terms. How many times he has hurt you in the past and seen the effect of his behaviour and still refused to change? Countless, I'm willing to bet. How many times has he said sorry out of true, unprompted remorse? None? A few? Not enough, I'm willing to bet.
This is him exerting his control. Or trying to.
I've spent 20yrs with a vile, abusive, bullying, controlling man like him. I barely remember who I am any more. But I'm beginning to find myself again. And you will too.
Stay strong. Remember, if he can change now, why not then? Because he is fundamentally broken. And you won't fix him, however hard you try.
X

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2014 09:13

Don't change those plans, and don't think for a minute that he has changed!

Original poster
Homealonemom · 29/12/2014 16:25

Thank you. I need to hear this.
25 years is a long time to invest.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 29/12/2014 16:45

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Years are not invested, they are lived; they have already been lived and you can't either waste or spend them over again. And what happened during those 25 years anyway? You said:

Over the years his jealousy, controlling abusive nature has ground me down. I was once full of life, bubbly and outgoing. I am now anxious, worrier and have lost my zest for enjoying life.

That would be one hell of a poor investment.

McSantaPaws · 29/12/2014 19:27

Why don't you know the exact date? Sounds like game playing to me??

Dowser · 29/12/2014 21:22

Don't change your plans.

I would have stuck to my husband of 30 years through thick and thin.

He decided to leave me when things were on a more even keel strangely enough.

But he got a girlfriend or two andwasadamant he was leaving.

Best thing he ever did. I rediscovered my bright bubbly self. I was no longer in his shadow. I have a natural propensity towards comedy but that was all hidden because he was the one who wanted to shine.

Any comedic responses from me were totally quashed by him, especially in public. He would turn them on their head and come out with replies that were just plain nasty, hurtful put downs.

I've got more creative. Me and my new man make things together. Go to classes together. Sometimes all female ones. Ex husband would never have done that in a Million years.

Step bravely into your new future.

It's more rewarding an you think.

Life has some curious twists and turns. He died a short while ago. I would have been a young widow . Instead I'm planning my wedding.

Original poster
Homealonemom · 31/12/2014 08:39

The changes he has made since I told him I couldn't go on like this

Cut down on drinking and going out
Helping around the house
Spending time with DS
Better mood
Arranged to go on DV course starting next week. Weekly commitment for 25 weeks.
Stopped lying

I am so confused. I have said why didn't u make these changes before. His reply is because he is an idiot and now realises what is important to him.
I can't work out how I feel about it all.
A part of me wants to believe that he is being genuine and we could be happy. Then the other side is saying 25 years and he hasn't tried like this before.
I know I am going back and forth with emotions but I don't know what is the right thing. I am in my Kate 40s and I can't keep living with these dramas

OP posts:
18yearstooold · 31/12/2014 09:04

25 years and he hasn't tried like this before

He hasn't needed to, he had the control, you've taken it away and he's having to try different tactics

This is not an uncommon

I told my ex I was unhappy and after the initial explosive reaction he started 'trying'
Very quickly it became apparent it was all part of the control 'I've done X for you' 'I've taken you to X place'
All the things he should have been doing for the last 25 years he will now expect thanks and praise and make himself out to be a martyr

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 09:15

25 years is a long time to invest.

It's not a bank!

He is doing this because if he doesn't he would have to do it anyway as there will be no you to do it for him.

Original poster
Homealonemom · 31/12/2014 10:07

I know it's not a bank. I think you have misunderstood.
When I say invest - I mean I have given my everything for 25 years and it's a long time to just walk away and not look back.
We have 25 years of history.

Both dc have grown up not respecting their dad. But even they have been stunned by his change. Or suckered in! And that's it - I don't want to be suckered in. But what if he has changed. ?

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 10:19

We have 25 years of history.

And it is only now he decided to be nice. How convenient.

18yearstooold · 31/12/2014 11:23

He really hasn't changed

How long does he need to act like this before you write off the next blow up as a temporary slip, look how hard he's been trying?

Please look at the women's aid freedom program -it will be like turning on a light

Original poster
Homealonemom · 31/12/2014 22:52

He has begged me to give him another chance.
I'm so confused.
He doesn't want to move out.
He says he loves me so much.

OP posts:
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