Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't sleep as so fed up of mils shit

27 replies

Allingoodfaith · 28/12/2014 23:30

Feel flat like a saggy balloon.
There is a huge back story. Four years worth of arseholish and bullying behaviour. Normally I have just STFU and 'forgot' what she has done/said but I can't this time. It's not even massive like the other times.

Had the perfect oppertuinity to go NC and dp backed me up with not having her at the house till she apologised (which she never would and I was banking on it )

What I didn't bank on was me caving in Boxing Day because I felt sorry for dp as we were having a family get together and he felt in a bad position.

So she came made a big show of kissing me Hmm (after screaming and ranting about me the week before) she asked me if every one had told me about how much she cried when she opened my present Hmm

She has been round every fucking night since day on my couch feet up playing happy families while yet again I STFU and take her unhinged behaviour.

I couldn't even cuddle dp tonight. He keeps asking whats on my mind Hmm I feel like I've lost my moment or I'm weak now as I've let her walk all over me again.

I could actually leave over this woman Sad

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 28/12/2014 23:33

So tell it to your husband straight and see what he says.

MistressDeeCee · 28/12/2014 23:42

You and your DP are a family unit. He's married to you, not his mum. So tell him, and let him sort it out.

Pensionerpeep · 28/12/2014 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somethingtodo · 28/12/2014 23:46

She hasn't done anything wrong yet though has she?

She has come round and been nice.

So you are not really in a position yet to kick her into touch again.

Unless you/dh decide to clarify your boundaries directly now - ie "FYI you were only invited as a one off/annual visit for boxing day - so please do not drop by without an invite from us"

This involves courage, fronting it out and being ready for the inevitable MIL tantrum meltdown...but you will be back to your preferred NC position immediately.

Has she ever apologised to you - or does she think that the big show is good enough? Was she aware that you were NC?

Or you can just wait for the next bad behaviour and be ready for with a "Enough! I/we will not tolerate xyz - please leave"

Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 28/12/2014 23:53

She lives two streets away and 'bobs' in snd stays for hours. Every night. Even when dp isn't here.

I've talked to dp about it at great length and he supported me but because I caved in Boxing Day and felt sorry for him everything is supposed to be forgotten now. I've got to sit in my own living room with a woman that hates me and was screaming and shouting about me last week. She was asked to a apologise - she refused. She was still allowed back in - by me. She got away with it again.

She might have been nice for two days but I've had four years of this bullshit and I can't let it drop now. She will be in best behaviour now for around four months then it will creep back in. I can't wait that long.

Dp knows she is an arse but clearly has no balls and expects me to make the first move so he can 'support ' me. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 28/12/2014 23:56

some she refused to apologise . Stormed out of the house. When she rang up xmas eve and asked what time she should come in the morning - dp told her she had to sort it with me first. She replied "why? I'm not coming to see allin, I'm there to see you and dd".

And yet I still let her come. Pisses me off just thinking off it

OP posts:
Pensionerpeep · 29/12/2014 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonRocks · 29/12/2014 00:05

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Set those boundaries. And tell DH to back you up!

EssexMummy123 · 29/12/2014 00:07

Move house?

Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 29/12/2014 00:08

He did pensioner. I then felt like a twat on boxing day because all his family was here apart from her so said she could come.

I'm going to start to put me first now

OP posts:
Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 29/12/2014 00:10

Essex all in good time. It's in the pipe line. Honest am at the point I could come to blows with her

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 29/12/2014 00:18

I agree with something - you need to make it clear that Boxing Day was a one off and that this is not indicative of a change of heart on your part.

There will be another blow-out - you know there will be. The question is do you want to wait until it happens or pre-empt it by refusig to let her in the house? Neither option is easy, only you can decide.

Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 29/12/2014 00:24

Your right. There will be another blow out. The snide remarks will come first, then the rest will follow. I can't bare to do it all again. I'm going to tell her tomorrow if she calls in. I just hope do is not here as he will be like a rabbit stuck in head lights.

OP posts:
Somethingtodo · 29/12/2014 01:14

Your DH needs to tell her directly on behalf of you both.

He needs to be brave - and to front it out now - calmly - and be prepared to weather the inevitable blow out.

Dont endure another minute of this toxic shit....waiting to be shot down and seething for the next 6th months.

She has not apologised - she never will.

Somethingtodo · 29/12/2014 01:15

Dont do it in front of your DD -- ask you dh to call her asap

Ohfourfoxache · 29/12/2014 01:24

Think you need your DP there tbh. Then you present as a united front and there is no "she did/said this" - everyone needs to be clear about where everyone stands. And if he is like a rabbit in the headlights then so be it; there can be no comeback on you/ no lies etc if he is there to witness it.

Isetan · 29/12/2014 05:26

You may have felt sorry for your DP but he hasnt returned the sentiment.

Show both of them that you're no doormat and no one who abuses you is welcome in your home.

Stop looking to him to support you or set boundaries with this woman, be your own hero because he won't.

DropYourSword · 29/12/2014 05:58

She maybe just misinterpreted your invite / intention.

If she's done nothing wrong (yet) you can hardly complain now. If when it all goes wrong, react to it then, but don't pre-emptively strike.

DustBunnyFarmer · 29/12/2014 08:43

You could start turning her away when it's just you in. That would at least make clear you are not interested in spending time with her. The nightly visits just reek of a tomcat marking its territory.

FelineLou · 29/12/2014 11:03

Yes "Oh its not convenient just now. I am about to (take a bath, wash my hair, shave my legs, have an early night, anything really that she can't sit through) and MrAllin is not here. Also please ring before you come again". Then it can be inconvenient every time.

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 29/12/2014 11:14

Keep your doors locked (and a key in the lock if MIL has a spare set). When she next turns up and knocks answer the door and say:-

"Hi, Im sorry we're rather busy now and your timing is not convenient. Please ring ahead in future as DH and I are planning on spending time together".

Then shut the door and walk away.

NOBODY has the right to make you feel so bad - be firm or you'll live like this forever.

Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 29/12/2014 12:03

Hi all just an update -

Had a chat with dp this morning and he is going to tell her not to come round here any more while I'm in. This will cause WW3 but I don't care. I think he realised how serious it was when he asked if I considered leaving. I said yes.

If I locked the door and she knew I was in she would keep banging on it and it would upset dd2. I'm grown woman and shouldn't have to hide. She has recently started bringing her friend around and the pair expect tea and biscuits while they sit and slag all and sundry off.

I hope dp sticks to this otherwisethis will end badly.

OP posts:
Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 29/12/2014 12:25

I'm glad you DP is standing up to her - as my post at 11.14am said, don't be afraid to answer the door and tell her that her visit is not convenient and then shut her out.

You do not need to hide - just stand up to her and then shut the door, walk away and ignore her.

Until both you and DP stand up to the cantankerous old bitch woman she'll continue to walk all over you.

And as for her bring her friend round - wow!!!! Just wow!!!! UNBELIEVEABLE

Somethingtodo · 29/12/2014 20:23

All -- good for you and good for your DP for getting involved. Are you happy with that boundary tho? Do you think that she will just rock up every other minute that you DP is home. What ideally do you want to happen? No visits ever unless invited...?...if so make sure you say that - and then never invite her...

Somethingtodo · 29/12/2014 20:29

Standard upping the ante domineering bullying behaviours = tom cat/territorial + reinforcements (friend) + targeting/victimising you (ie coming when DP is out.

Draw a BIG FAT RED LINE and out a stop to it by making it crystal clear that she is not invited and that the reason is her poor explosive behaviour which has since had no apology.

Being assertive effectively means just saying "No" - and not giving a reason - as the minute you say - you cannot come because we are just going out, I am washing my hair etc it is an opportunity for her to coming back with "I will come back then..."

Swipe left for the next trending thread