My friends thirteen year old Son

[HistoryOfChildhoodVerbalAbuse]

Every single time I see him at my friends house or I am taking with her over the telephone and he happens to be there he will make some kind of rude comment about me. Today it was that I am lazy and old. I do have a history of my Father calling me names and his name calling brings it back to me.

What can I say to him or his Mother?

It really effects me even though I have had therapy about this.

I am a regular poster and have changed my name.

I feel better just typing about this but would really like to be able to control how I feel about this.

Now that we know more (what a drip feed!) I think you should cut her out of your life. Maybe she is your only friend, but her child, and her inability to address the issue, makes her a bit of a poor friend.

Next time you are alone with your friend you should have an honest conversation about how her son treats you (and presumably others too). Let her know how much it bothers you. Tell her you'll be standing up for yourself.

Really, she should be reprimanding him, but she doesn't seem to understand /care that what he is doing is wrong and disrespectful. She is doing him a huge disservice by allowing him to behave this way. It is a rude, bullying way to treat another person, and reinforces socially isolating behaviour for her ds.

If you're going to have to avoid her anyway, I think I'd either call time on the friendship and look for other friends, I appreciate not easy with a severely autistic ds to care for, or actually just tell her you find her ds' comments upsetting and unacceptable and unless she takes some responsibility for it you won't be spending time with her in the future.

My usual name is SoleSource.

Why are you revealing your usual name?

Just felt like being honest.

Ok, I could understand why a regular would namechange, but not why they'd then declare their name change half an hour later.

Have you got what you needed from your thread?

Yeah, I need to have a proper chat with her. I shall continue to meet her when her Son isn't present.

Thank you all for your replies.

My son has adhd amongst other (more serious ) disabilities. It is true that children with adhd find impulse control (verbal or otherwise) very difficult. In your friend's case I am sorry but at 13 years old they may have left it too late to model and teach right behaviour.
It is not your job to teach him good manners, his mum should be doing that. You have enough on your plate.
I understand that you don't want to lose your only friend. Maybe you need to see her only without her son around and build strategies that will help you cope if you hear him being nasty over the phone.

Ex-friend's DS is like this - rude, sneery, abusive (and sometimes also violent or threatening violence) to my DC and me. We just don't see them any more.

It's not really about whether he has a condition/SN or not - even if he can't help it, the parent/s should acknowledge that it hurts you and call him on it every time.

My suspicion would be that this 13 year old is hearing this first from an adult, ie his mother.

Personally, I think she's joking about it with her son at home, and that's why he thinks it's ok. She's not disciplining him because he's likely to say but muuum, you say it all the time/this morning/yesterday.

Get some proper friends.

Your thread got me thinking about some of DS1's more choice "friends" he has brought home for tea. (He is very social with what feels like 200 close acquaintances. I don't know where he gets it from).

Vivacia, it's a jokey way to handle what should be a complete non-event. Teens do banter as a clumsy way to get attention. F'ing MN, whole place has had a sense of humour bypass.

And what would your jokey way teach him?

I have just asked her why her DS says rude things to me, is it because he is repeating what you say about me? She said no he says the same thing to everyone just his way... odd Woman.

Humour bypass? So failing to engage with a disrespectful 13 year old indicates a failing on the op's part?

Nice bit of victim blaming and bollocks to that.

He calls me fat, lazy, old, stupid, ugly... I am starting to get fed up after two years. IIjkk how is that a complete none event? His rudeness also extends to my DS. The only solution is to avoid him.

Then avoid him, you have figured out your best answer .

You have choices; accept being verbally abused by her son as the price of maintains her friendship, avoid any exposure to her child (avoid telephone calls) or terminate the friendship because anyone who lets their child abuse you without consequence is not a friend.

I don't think you should abandon a friend over this.
He is trying it on in a teenager like fashion and being a bit inept at it.
Calmly call him on it. Say "you are being rude". You could also say "i am neither lazy nor fat but even if I were, it would be wrong to mention it"

Then leave it at that.
He is being rude. But that is all. He is not the boss of you. He does not define who you are. A 13 year old boy should not get to choose who you or his mother can be friends with.

If his dm says anything say "he is being rude. He needs to know this. You should really pull him up on it as it makes others uncomfortable and ultimately it will drive people away from him, which would be a shame."

Sorry your childhood was tough.
You can deal with this. You are strong and capable and have dealt with worse.

you need to stop going round there. For your own sake. Tell her that her son is an obnoxious little shit and you will not be in his company if she refuses to even acknowledge it

I don't understand why there are some harsh replies on here

SS - even if she is your only friend, it's not enhancing your life at all and appears to only give you grief and upset.

I feel sorry for her DS as he doesn't appear to be learning any boundaries by his Mum which will not help him in his adult life. Having said that, it is not your problem and you don't need people in your life who bring up all kinds of historical issues for you.

Hey says those offensive things to everybody and she lets him do it?
Find a new friend.

It's not about the boy choosing who she gets to be friends with, it's his mother's lack of intervention. What kind of friend does that?

Don't stand for this Sole! You are none of those things. If DD ever dared say that to one of my friends autism/ADHD or not she would be told to apologise. A 'friend' does not allow this to happen.
If this 13yr old oik says things to the wrong person as it's 'just his way' he could find himself on the wrong end of a bunch of fives

Maybe your 'concern' wink for this happening could get his mother to pull him up on the comments to you.
Stay strong mate