This is my first post here and I'm not sure men even post on Mumsnet, but I figured I need some advice from a female perspective.
My long-term partner suddenly left me about a year ago which was a very upsetting and shocking experience for me. All this happened while I was working abroad on a secondment for work, and when I was later posted back to my home office my best friend at work took me out for leaving drinks with two women who were both moving on (one moving abroad, the other leaving the industry). I had met both women before but didn’t really know either of them. As these things go, we all ended up going home together. I spent the night with one of the ladies, and he with the other.
Here’s where it gets complicated. My friend was a line manager for both of these women (although they were leaving, so I’m not sure how big a deal this is) and is also married (while the woman he slept with has a boyfriend). He has never cheated on his wife before or since. It was a moment of madness for him. I’ve known him for well over a decade and this was wildly out of character. In some respects it was probably a mid-life crisis of some kind. The lady he slept with has also never cheated on her boyfriend before.
Since all this happened he and the woman he slept with have not been in touch. It’s amicable between them, and they’ve both understood it was a big mistake. Similarly, I’m not in touch with the lady I spent the night with. We weren’t romantically compatible, she’s abroad, and has a boyfriend now. Things are completely fine there.
So where’s all the mess? Well, the other woman and I have grown very close since this whole episode.
At first it started out as just a bit of fun, she lived nearby and so we’d sometimes meet for a drink and joke about “that” night. Things were frivolous. Since then we’ve discovered we’re very similar in terms of personality. We’re carbon copies of each other in terms of outlook, life philosophy, ambition, and humour. We’ve spent a lot of time together (including at my house) and text each other constantly, often late into the night.
We make each other laugh, we give each other advice, and we encourage each other. We talk about what’s on our mind and whatever is getting us down. We’ve both had a series of stressful events recently and have chatted to each other about these things. So it’s safe to say we’ve grown close.
Behind it all, if I were to walk into a laboratory and create my ideal woman, she wouldn’t be far off. She has a beautiful mind with a piercing intellect. She’s clever and driven, self-assured and confident, and she can engage me mentally when we’re together. She also knows her own mind and values the same things as me: experiences. I find all this incredibly attractive and wish I’d gotten to know her sooner. In no time at all she has rapidly become very important to me. She’s been away for the holidays, but I’m already looking forward to seeing her when she gets back. She’s told me she’s also excited to see me.
Nothing romantic has happened between us, although I think she knows I’d escalate things if the opportunity presented itself. She's said her relationship with her boyfriend is effectively over and she’s waiting for the right time to end it. That’s a formality and I don’t regard it as a big deal.
I recently asked her to come away with me for a weekend but she says it’s 'weird' because of what happened with my friend at work. Even though they have no ongoing connection and they’ve both moved on from what happened that night, I think my friend would be upset to learn about just how close we’ve become. He’s a very good friend of mine. I’d never sacrifice our friendship and I’ve never hidden anything from him before. While he doesn’t have any real grounds to be upset, I can understand why he might be.
Because of this, none of our friends know we're close, or even that we're friends (because we're worried word would get back). So everything about us is currently hidden and secretive. I know this hurts her.
So what should I do? Pursue this woman and convince her to come away with me for a short break (it needn't be extravagant)? Keep things as they are (which means being hidden but remaining close)? Or break things off with her entirely (which I wouldn't like to do)?