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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's over - I'm very sad. Hold my hand please...

39 replies

crispycookie · 27/12/2014 21:19

Don't know if I will be able to type whole sorry tale in one message, no intention to drip feed, just a whole lotta stuff that has not worked in a relationship and I cannot get to work. Such a waste as we could have had such a nice life together. Our DCs get along, they will be gutted to be no longer seeing one another but luckily, they are young and they will forget (hopefully!).

I love him but I don't like his Disney parenting. But I don't say much as his DC is only with us EOW. He says I am a good mum to everyone. But he cannot stop criticising my parenting when it's just us. I am so sick of it. I have begged and pleaded for him not to do that, it makes me feel s**t. But he seems unable/unwilling to stop. I cannot and will not let someone make me feel this way constantly...

I cannot bear his drinking habits. He drank excessively when we met (I didn't realised till he moved in just how excessive). I told him to stop drinking at home or we are over. He stopped the drinking at home but still goes out now and then and get very pissed. The thing I cannot bear is the any opportunity he can get to drink, he will. We took the DCs to Pizza Hut for lunch today and he managed two large glasses of wine in the half hour we were there. FFS, Pizza Hut? And while we have three DCs to look after? Guess who fell asleep on the sofa for two hours while I sort out dinner?

He only has one DC, I have two. He treats my two differently, we have constant fights about this. He cannot see how important it is to be fair to them both, even when one is acting up, he cannot pit one against the other or play favourites.

But he can also be wonderful, he adores me. He's worked so hard at making my house more homely. My older DC adores him. The other one is a mummy's boy Grin. I am just so sick of the battles so I've told him to go. I'm not dating ever again till my DCs are grown. I will miss him so much but I cannot live with this stress the whole situation is creating. I can't even think straight anymore... It's such a waste. When things are great, it's wonderful... SadSadSad And my DCs, they're dad left and now this, I'm feel like such a sh*t mother (though I know I'm not, my DCs are very happy and lovely). ThanksAnd I have no family here and I'm stuck here thousands of miles from my family for the foreseeable future due to my DCs. Life really sucks right now...

OP posts:
despomum41 · 27/12/2014 21:35

hugs coming your way you did what you had to do thats what loving mums do xxx

Original poster
crispycookie · 27/12/2014 21:40

Thanks despomum1. I know it's the right thing to do but my heart hurts...

OP posts:
spinduchess · 27/12/2014 21:48

You're the exact opposite of a shit mother - you identified a situation that would have caused more pain in the long run, and got out with minimal damage.

How did he take the news?

Flimflammer · 27/12/2014 21:50

Just to say well done for doing the right thing, he sounds like he has too many issues. Its natural that you want a break from dating for a while so how about planning something excellent and unusual for you to do instead ( zorbing football match anyone?)

Be proud of yourself for calling time on a relationship that is not working, that's not something everyone can do.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 27/12/2014 21:51

It takes courage to do what you have done Flowers
You have out your children and yourself first.

Original poster
crispycookie · 27/12/2014 22:12

Thank you all, you have made me cry... We have had issues and talked about splitting up before so this isn't a huge surprise... The previous times, we never did the 'clean' break and kept 'getting back'. I just wanted it so badly to work. We had a wonderful six months of dating and then once the kids were involved, there were times we knew it just wasn't working. But it's so hard because when it does work, it's lovely to hear all the kids having fun. But the bad times have far outweighed the bad now. Luckily, we don't fight in front of the kids. And frustratingly he won't talk to me about things, preferring to shut down. I just cannot do this alone.

I have taken my DCs on trips alone and it has made me feel I need to focus on them now while they are young... Whoever suggested doing my own thing, luckily, we have BIG summer plans - to go see my family on the other side of the world with a side trip possibly to a friend's wedding in America or my DCs' first trip to Oz! Smile

I feel so bad for 'D'H though as the house is mine and I have to tell him to find somewhere else to live and he doesn't earn much. But that's not my problem is it? Sad Especially if he would not engage with me to sort things out... I have this fear he will literally drink himself to death if left to his own devices... SadSadSad

OP posts:
Original poster
crispycookie · 27/12/2014 22:14

Thank you all for letting me talk about this. To my RL friends, he is appears so emotionally attuned... They think I am so lucky to have ended up with him after my bastard ex left. Little do they know how difficult he can be... Sad I just feel so let down...

OP posts:
Flimflammer · 27/12/2014 22:18

Seriously, if he's a drinker get rid ASAP, and nothing he does to himself through drink is your problem or your business thank god. Its his choice to raise the glass to his lips. His choice. 2 wines in half an hour at a family lunch? Bollocks to that life, well done for steering your kids away from all that.

Original poster
crispycookie · 27/12/2014 22:25

flimflammer I know. I keep thinking he will change and he has a lot but only because I did not give him a choice - I basically said my house, you can't drink here. If you want to drink, get your own place and do it there. I don't drink at all. He knows what I think of his drinking. We have argued many times over his drinking. But what future does this bode for us? We can never get our own place together as I will no longer have the right to say 'you can't drink as it's my house.' I just can't see a future like that with him. He never did this drinking at a family lunch thing till I put a complete halt to his drinking at home... But drinking is so ingrained in the culture here, I'll never meet anyone now, will I? Confused Not that I want to at the moment. Why can't he see we are so much more worth it than a few drinks?????

OP posts:
Flimflammer · 27/12/2014 22:48

Because a few drinks are worth more to him.

So you have to show him that you are worth more than that by telling him to leave. It will only get worse.

I'm not sure where you are, but you can meet someone who does not drink. Don't put yourself down for having standards, be proud of yourself. He doesn't match up and you know it would be easy for him to do so if he CHOSE to. He doesn't chose to, he chooses 2 glasses of wine at a half hour lunch.

Don't let him fuck your life, your kids life and your relationship with your kids just so he can have a few beers.

Flimflammer · 27/12/2014 22:50

And balls to being policeman to a grown man. You should not have to police his behaviour, he should know how to behave.

Original poster
crispycookie · 27/12/2014 23:06

Thank you flimflammer! I'm in London, the socialising/drinking capital of the UK! Blush I hear what you are saying... You are helping me stay strong. I know the drink is an issue. It's so sad as he can be such a lovely man when drink isn't involved! And he is a 'nice' drunk, which makes everything all the more difficult. I 'know' it's not my problem... 'D'H is not a bad person, though I do think the issues I listed in my OP are non-negotiable. Anyway, I need to stay strong, my DCs deserve so much better. Thank you all for providing me with a shoulder to cry on... Sad

OP posts:
HoHoGoveUckYourself · 27/12/2014 23:14

Well done for doing what you know is the right thing. Obviously you have mixed feelings for him but you have put yourself and your children first. Sounds like he has some growing up to do before he can be a good partner to anyone. Flowers

Original poster
crispycookie · 27/12/2014 23:20

And I deserve better for myself too. I have said to him before (we started going out AFTER our marriages broke down) that maybe we met each other when we both needed someone but that we just seems so incompatible that with the best will in the world, it won't work and we need to admit to ourselves that we have tried our best and it hasn't worked. It's a hard thing to admit though as I think there is still a lot of love there, just not enough and that's hard to swallow when we have been told all our lives that love will conquer all. I feel like I have failed... Sad

OP posts:
Flimflammer · 27/12/2014 23:22

You deserve better, and if you continue to uphold what is important to you, you will meet a man worthy of you. He is the one at fault here not you.

Most men would put the glass down if they realised it was affecting their relationship. The trouble with being in a relationship with a drinker is being made to feel you're the killjoy/nag/misery/past it/bitch so often you start to believe that, rather than the fact that a drunk person is tedious, inappropriate or embarrassing.

Flimflammer · 27/12/2014 23:23

X post. Glad you day you deserve better. You haven't failed, he has a drink problem.

Original poster
crispycookie · 27/12/2014 23:25

I have to go to bed now as taking my DCs on a planned trip to the science museum tomorrow. It will be some nice bonding time for us. Luckily for us, after their dad left, I was determined to shield my boys from the worst of the break up and before and even throughout this relationship, I have always made time to take my DCs out, just the three of us... We have been to the other side of the world to see my family, gone glamping and recently, a fun weekend away just before Xmas. I'm keeping my toes and fingers crossed this will help them through this break up... My poor babies! Thankful for all of you tonight, it has been so very hard. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
crispycookie · 27/12/2014 23:27

Flimflammer, I know what you say is true. Why is the truth so hard to accept sometimes? Sad Thank you. Thanks

OP posts:
HoHoGoveUckYourself · 27/12/2014 23:31

You can't call it a failure if you have tried hard to make it work. Nothing at all wrong in knowing when to give up on something and put your energies into providing a safe, happy and stress-free home for your children. Try and concentrate on all of the possibilities the new year brings for you instead of what might have been. If you hadn't ended it you would be in the same bad place this time next year.

Flimflammer · 27/12/2014 23:52

Enjoy your day with your children tomorrow. You sound like a lovely mum, and you have your head screwed on. It hurts because you are a good person and you would do anything you could to avoid hurting someone.

Honestly, you calling time on a failing relationship is not failure and in time you will see that and be proud.

BrowersBlues · 28/12/2014 00:21

OP you are doing a fantastic job as a mum. I admire you for acknowledging that although there is still love there that it is just not enough for you and your DC. A lot of people, including me a long time ago, chose to stay even when the writing is on the wall that it is simply not good enough.

You will be fine, you are stronger than you think.

nickyangel · 28/12/2014 03:15

Lordy, I would on the floor after two large glasses in half an hour! That is almost a bottle, and it doesn't spell good things ahead. Seriously, though, you can't compete with the drink, because one day you realise you never know if this is the real person talking. Or not. Also expense.

I feel your pain, though. I know that horrible, sick and lonely feeling. The Science Museum is great, though. Go dress as a cockroach and laugh. Laugh a lot with your kids x

wallaby73 · 28/12/2014 05:33

Crispy; you sound wonderful. I want to acknowledge something you said in your OP, and i understand why the drink issue may have overshadowed this, but it's a massive deal. Him criticising your parenting. You should never have to "beg" anyone to stop a behaviour they KNOW upsets you. Firstly, ANY critique of your parenting of YOUR OWN children is wholesale unacceptable (unless you were being neglectful or abusive - but really......that's just a disclaimer, i'm sure, in fact i know you're not!). At the point where the very first comment left his lips, I wish a klaxon had gone off and he was taken away. It's a sacrosanct area where he had NO RIGHT to tread, and despite you making your feelings clear, he carried on?! This alone is a huge warning sign, i really feel he was bullying you and showing utter disregard for you, he actively wanted to make you feel crap. He was seriously bad news, for you and your kids. Well done in stepping away. Seems like yku have "nade do" with several behaviours that weren't right, there really is no need to do this in the future xx

wallaby73 · 28/12/2014 05:35

"Made do"!!

Original poster
crispycookie · 28/12/2014 07:57

Had a bad night's sleep but nice to read all these messages... Wallaby, I guess I have hung on because he always says the right things and he made me feel good in the beginning. Coming from a marriage where my exH was cold and just left me to do all the parenting etc, it was nice to have someone who flattered me and adored me... He still says and does that, but I have come to feel it's easy to say things like that but the actions not there.

As for the parenting thing, I do point out to him as well where I think he could do better with his DC. But I try to do it in such a way in that I make the point he has to be fair to all three children when they are all present. And if he wanted to spoil his DC, he needs to do it out of earshot of me and my DCs. He doesn't like it at all when I criticise his parenting (who does?), I think he feels a lot of guilt about his marriage breaking down so he gives whatever he wants to his DC. He has reined things in a lot since we got together but I feel why am I not allowed to criticise him but he can me? And I also feel part of being a blended family is to support each other in a parenting and I do acknowledge I'm not perfect and I need some support (DC1 was never an easy child) but it can be done in a constructive way and not through snide remarks etc...

You see? Too many issues... As for the drinking, it's his problem... I'm done dealing with it!

OP posts: