When separating would mean splitting up the children... I can't find a way forward.

[ImaFrayedKnot]

DH told me in May he wasn't happy, and in July that he wanted to split up (not for the first time ). However, for the first time, I took him at his word and saw a solicitor instead of begging him to change his mind. He had been telling me I would walk away with nothing, that he would kick me out of the house etc.

Solicitor filed a matrimonial home rights notice, DH took this very badly and threatened me physically. We had a very bad couple of weeks.

Since then he has changed his mind about separating (... again), I am once more the love of his life, he doesn't want to be the kind of man who treats me this way, I provoked him but that doesn't excuse his behaviour..... You have all heard this story arc before, as have I.

However. We live with two children, one of whom is his from a previous relationship. I have known DSC (9) since they were one, been a key carer since they were 3, DSC has lived with me as a SAHM since they were 4. Other child (OC) is 5, same sex as DSC, they have a fab relationship, living with DSC is all OC has ever known.

H has been very clear that if I leave the marriage he will take DSC and leave for good. He will not maintain contact with OC, he will not allow any contact between DSC/OC. I have no legal right to stop this happening. I love DSC, DSC loves OC, the whole thing is a total mess.

He has given me two weeks from today to make my choice and I feel like I'm stuck in glue. He is a bully but day-to-day life is good for the kids and okay for me (although interspersed with patches of horrific). Without kids in the picture I would leave tomorrow, but they are in the picture and I can't seem to find it in myself to deprive OC of DSC as well as DH.

What do I do? What can I do?

Honestly? My advice is to not split the siblings up. I've seen thus In my profesional capacity many times. It never ends well.

Can you be sure he will be the partner you want him to be?

The fact you are not succumbing to him might provoke a change however your need to be sure before committing to this man

Be very clear in your expectations. Make him do the work. Be very aloof and see where this takes you if this is what you actually want

Ima, it was horrendous, yes, but I stayed trying to sort things out, i was clear in my expectations etc as maddy68 suggests, I tried for two years after I initially wanted to separate, and the more assertive I got, the more abusive it became. And worse, it shifted on to my DD as he knew firstly, I absolutely valued and loved all the children, but she was the one who was not his. She was emotionally abused and by the end, physically abused, in the two years I tried to sort it out whilst making sure the children were not split up.

Sorry, that sounds defensive in light of maddy68s post; but sometimes the sorting things out means taking apart and reconstituting things in a different way. To the OP, yes, it was horrendous, but I think the advice about standing up to him applies in the context now about being clear about your expectations for DC in the event of a separation.

The main expectation is that DC should not be used for leverage and that you will not let that happen. There are a range of professional services, including legal, who will help you put DC first in your separation. It is absolutely in DC interests to maintain contact but equally, you and they should not be victims of abuse to allow this to happen. It is a difficult situation to negotiate. At one point I did speak to Women's Aid, but their advice was to stop contact between our joint bio-DC and his father which was actually not an option as there had been no abuse to bio-DC and was the no contact between DC as well scenario I was trying to avoid. The best advice I got was from a family lawyer when I at one point sought a second opinion who said that although we (parents) were separating, we retained a responsibility to make it manageable for DC. My objectives were two fold namely for the abuse and hostility to me to stop (including the use of the children as leverage) and for a clear contact schedule to be sorted for DC which suited their various needs. When it was particularly hostile, everything went through my solicitor, and her responses actually taught me a lot about dealing with bullying behaviour (expensive, but life lessons). As I said in my first post, we are now nearly two years down the line from separating and still edging towards a workable situation for my bio DC and DSC.

We are not yet divorced, and at some point I did accept that we won't be divorced until this is sorted in a way which works for all the children.

I am not sure if that helps; the only thing I can say is that staying in an abusive marriage would have been more horrendous.

Sorry the other thing I wanted to say was that this has not gone to court (although that is always in the back of any discussions -what would a court uphold - even if not explicitly stated), but it will have probably cost as much as going to court by the time we are done. But the advice I got was to try to keep it out of court unless there was no other way forward.

That it's better to totally separate the kids and deal with the fallout and move on

Bullshit. They are siblings for their whole lives. So why would it be better to keep them completely separate as children? And even if in some twisted way it were, how would it be better for OC never to see their father? The whole gambit is designed to be one so extreme that you back down on the separation because you will feel forever that you were the one who caused them to be separated (and, no doubt, he will peddle that myth whenever possible).

This is his choice. He is choosing to do this to your family. Of course it isn't reasonable - he doesn't want it to be reasonable, he wants to manipulate you into staying in the marriage where he can keep bullying you and abusing OC by neglect. You have to realise the only thing he cares about is getting what he wants. He clearly doesn't care about the children, even golden child DSC is just a pawn. He doesn't care about you. He just wants to win.