When separating would mean splitting up the children... I can't find a way forward.

[ImaFrayedKnot]

DH told me in May he wasn't happy, and in July that he wanted to split up (not for the first time ). However, for the first time, I took him at his word and saw a solicitor instead of begging him to change his mind. He had been telling me I would walk away with nothing, that he would kick me out of the house etc.

Solicitor filed a matrimonial home rights notice, DH took this very badly and threatened me physically. We had a very bad couple of weeks.

Since then he has changed his mind about separating (... again), I am once more the love of his life, he doesn't want to be the kind of man who treats me this way, I provoked him but that doesn't excuse his behaviour..... You have all heard this story arc before, as have I.

However. We live with two children, one of whom is his from a previous relationship. I have known DSC (9) since they were one, been a key carer since they were 3, DSC has lived with me as a SAHM since they were 4. Other child (OC) is 5, same sex as DSC, they have a fab relationship, living with DSC is all OC has ever known.

H has been very clear that if I leave the marriage he will take DSC and leave for good. He will not maintain contact with OC, he will not allow any contact between DSC/OC. I have no legal right to stop this happening. I love DSC, DSC loves OC, the whole thing is a total mess.

He has given me two weeks from today to make my choice and I feel like I'm stuck in glue. He is a bully but day-to-day life is good for the kids and okay for me (although interspersed with patches of horrific). Without kids in the picture I would leave tomorrow, but they are in the picture and I can't seem to find it in myself to deprive OC of DSC as well as DH.

What do I do? What can I do?

I am mainly worried about sibling contact. Solicitor has said that if he leaves and sets up new life elsewhere before the divorce gets to the court stage, there is very little a judge could do to order contact as they are unlikely to uproot the child yet again to make them come back to home town! So I would be looking at a week or two in school holidays only, and to be honest my worry with that is it would be more confusing/damaging for OC than no contact. I am torn though and to be honest I don't know which way is up at the moment, so thinking through these kind of decisions is just... Brain. Toffee.

There is no reason why you couldn't contact DSC's mother just before the separation and explain the situation to her and let her know that you would like to maintain contact with DSC, however, you think that your DH will make it difficult. Perhaps if you got along okay previously, she would be wiling to allow phone contact or something like that. I suspect you'll find he has been lying to her recently and telling her that you are treating DSC poorly, which would explain her recent frosty attitude and pave the way for DH to shut you out entirely.

The mum might even be willing to allow (at the very least) Skype contact regularly between the dcs to keep in contact. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

I get the impression mum may have her own battle to get more contact with her child even if DSC moves back to the hometown? And quite clear the DH is going to be willing to use threats to keep the two wives apart, i.e. mum doesn't get DSC if DSC is allowed contact with OC as a result.

ImaFrayedKnot, you're too deeply in this situation to see what is clear to us: no decent human being would ever threaten to withdraw not only his but a beloved sibling's presence from a child's life to get his own way. If you give in to this threat now, what's next? He will hold this over you forever.

Reluctantly therefore I think you have to conclude it is in OC's better interests for you to call his bluff and see what he's actually willing to go through with. He's been threatening you for years - say he will leave you to bring you to heel. When that didn't work, threats of violence mixed with 'you are the love my life' bullshit. Now the threat is 'if you leave I will vanish forever'. All he wants is for you to be compliant and whatever threat seems most likely to achieve that in a given moment is what he will use. I don't think you can rule out him progressing to physical abuse over time, especially given he's already threatened you.

I would talk to the mum. It may be you find a similar story and possibly even have to breathe a sigh of relief that he's not threatening to take OC away too.

Remember, you are not the one depriving OC of contact with DH. If he goes through with his threat, he will be the one doing that.

My son has two half brothers, his father didn't bother to keep up contact between them, in fact my son has never met the younger one and was only informed about him after he was born. The two older boys have contact with each other and have built up a relationship independently of their father and me. Perhaps you could point out to you husband that whatever he does the children will establish contact later in life and the blame for lost years will be placed squarely where it belongs.

Your husband sounds like a twat, hope you get rid quickly so you can move on. I hope it works out for you and the kids.

I think it would definitely be in the best interest of your own child for you to split. In fact I think you have to split to protect your child. It's a tragedy for his other child to have someone like him as a father, but there's nothing you can do about that.

I understand your solicitor's point that your husband could move away with his own child, but I'm not sure a court would allow him to have no contact with your child at all, and none between the two children. He's going to have to pay maintenance for your child, and however much he threatens going no contact, however much he favours the other child, would he actually go through with it?

I think talking to the mother would be a good idea. I would also suggest you post this in legal to get some feedback from lawyers on his demands.

The court has to decide what's in the best interests of the children and what will disrupt their lives the least. I can't see his proposals are in the interests of anyone but himself, and the court may well not support his demands.

Ima, I can tell you my story which is similar but very diferrent to give you a view of the outcome long term.

My XP, who I thought was a wonderful man lived with me and my DS for 5 years.

He also had a DS from a previous relationship and because he had 50/50 custody and I was a SAHM I was one of DSC's primary caregivers and also loved him very much.

Our two kids started living together when DSC was 3 and DS was 5 and they grew up only really knowing a life together as a family of four. The kids were more than real brothers - they were best friends and pined for each other when DSC was with his birth mother.

I dealt with scraped knees, and bad dreams and told stories and bought school uniforms and went to school plays and as far as I was concerned DSC was my child too.

My XP, out of absolutely nowhere, decided he did not love me anymore and left on a Thursday when DSC was at school. Unlike your marriage he had never told me he was unhappy, so I had no idea it was coming.

He'd organised behind my back his own apartment and he left with just a short note to say he was gone.

He never allowed the two children to see each other since that day 14 months ago. He never allowed them to say goodbye. He never allowed me to see or say goodbye to DSC.

It was just a case of him being the most selfish, heartless bastard alive and I genuinely never knew it.

In terms of outcome, more than a year on my own DS who is now 11 is still very sad for the loss of his brother. He doesn't miss his stepdad, but he still cries sometimes for his brother. He can't play certain games, he can't play with certain toys, he can't go to certain place and in many ways what XP chose to do hurt him immensely.

That said, children ARE somehow resilient and tend to live in the moment and as long as his life is otherwise happy he manages to get on with it. I try and talk to him as much as I can, but of course I hope and pray there is no long term issues.

DSC was the younger and more sensitive of the two and I heard from people that he was crying a lot. It must have been very traumatic to come home from school to find he lived somewhere else and his stepmum and brother were gone and never coming back. My XP told him that WE left, not the other way around.

It broke my heart, no question about it, and life has no explanation for the evil of other people but I take some comfort knowing that our kids loved each other, will continue to love each other, were raised as brothers and will always be so. Nothing my prick of an XP can do will ever cause them to forget each other and in a few years time they will find each other on Facebook and my XP can answer to the truth.

I am sorry your H is saying these things to you and making these threats. I hope they are only threats, but sadly in my case it was followed through. Can you try and contact the birth mother to make arrangements for the kids to see each other? you might have no legal rights to see him, but social pressure can be provided.

OP... I'm so sorry. What an absolutely awful situation.

I've read each post and yours a few times and you do sound so lovely. I loathe your husband and I've never met him; that he would do this to children to suit his own vengeful needs.

The upshot is, I think, that you will lose DSC because once the child is re-settled a judge - and you - will not want to do anything to jeopardise that process.

What can you do to thwart your husband's behaviour? Nothing much, I suppose. He's going to hold this over you like the Sword of Damocles forever if you'll let him. If it were me in your position, I would get as much advice (professional) as I could in advance and:

• forge ahead with the divorce
• set up maintenance payments for your child (wouldn't concern myself with access at this point)
• try to speak to DSC's mother and at least present your side of the story saying that you also love DSC and that will never change; she also has your support. She may have been fed a lot of bullshit but when it comes down to it, never by you so she may see sense.
• tell DSC that OC will always be his sibling no matter what and they can be in touch if that's what they want (see if Judge will Court-order that)
• get your husband out of the house as soon as it's possible to do that, the vile excuse for a man.

This is what happens when you act in the interests of the child... kudos to you, OP. Hoping for a judicial miracle for you.

I'm sorry for your circumstances also, julieandrewssmile... it's a fact though, the truth will out at some point and nothing will stop the brothers finding each other again.

Your oc is going to be more damaged by being treated so unequally by his dad and by you letting it happen.

Please end this.

Can you honestly imagine spending the rest of your sons childhood with this person?
Having sex with him?
How will you feel when your dc is modelling this behaviour in their own relationship?

I'm not sure OP in your case if the birth mother might be of any help. My XPs ex wife (even though she was the one who wanted their divorce) was always very jealous of the relationship between the two children and the fact that DSC preferred our house to hers. I am sure it wasn't because he loved his Dad more than his Mum - in fact I am sure it was the fact that my DS was there that made out house so much more appealing than hers.

She was also cut of the same cloth as XP in the sense that she believes "out of sight out of mind" and the best thing for the kids was to never see each other again and they would "forget".

Adults sometimes have a knack for pushing their own agendas in the name of what's best for the kids.

This is a loophole in the law, where o matter how much love and time you give to a child you have absolutely no legal comeback whatsoever if your partner or spouse chooses to leave you. It's a very unfortunate position for step families where they are forced to not only lose a spouse but also children they have come to love very deeply. It's a unique pain, and one few could understand.

Please go and see a solicitor before you do anything.

You need someone who can make CAFCASS see what a horrific, manipulating emotional abuser this man is.

In the end though, I don't think you can carry on living with him. He's utterly disgusting and you can't live with that shit.

julieandrewssmile, thank you :) I'm glad your son is doing better, I hope your DSC gets in touch one day. Do you think going 'cold turkey' has been easier for your son than intermittent contact, or would any contact have been better than none?

DH was lovely to and with OC today... DSC has gone to their Mum's for NY and instead of retreating and ignoring OC he has been interacting all day. It's lovely to watch and OC was lapping up the attention... This is so hard. But we have been here before and I have confronted him about his behaviour and he has promised to change - it never lasts longer than a couple of months. It's just frustrating that if he was like this all the time, I would still be head over heels for him. But he's not, and I'm not

Seems highly coincidental, doesn't it? He threatens to walk out of this child's life forever unless you come to heel and then he's nice as pie to a child he normally ignores. Funny. And chooses to do it when it can't interfere with the special bond DSC believes they have with him, as DSC is not around to witness it. Kids aren't stupid. OC will know the score - if not now, then soon.

What a horrible man. Dont stay. See a solicitor.

tribpot I hadn't even made that connection between DSC's absence and DH's behaviour... Yikes. Had just thought he was doing it as part of the 'win Frayed over, resume life as normal' campaign.

Briefly, I had the same dilemma two years ago and I stayed for longer than I should have because I did not want to split DC up. We had my bio DC, his bio DC (my step DD) and a joint DC (this may out me so I will be short on the details)

XH used the two stepDC relationship as emotional blackmail. I eventually made the decision that as my own DC was becoming a victim of the abuse and would increasingly be the DC who copped the crap rather than DSC or our joint bio DC, splitting was the best way forward.

I tried to maintain contact for DSC and my bio DC but it became obvious that was being used as leverage, so they were just taken out of any arrangements at all, until we had agreed on our joint bio DC arrangements. Two years on, we have agreed on everything, so I am cautiously picking up the threads of DD/DSD relationship to see what can be done. My bio DC has no contact with XH by their own choice.

I think the cost of DC being used as emotional blackmail and staying in an abusive situation is higher than accepting that your own child will have far less contact with his/her half-sibling.

I will be honest and say it was horrendous; using DSC was the way he could get to me everytime and the strategy to just remove the step DC and bio DC made me come across as heartless and XH was furious (in retrospect as I stopped responding to his only form of control). If the DC are being used to control you, I think you don't have a choice but to remove them and yourself from that situation. But yes, it is horrible and heart-breaking but I did not see another way in the end.

Oh and tribpot is right; my bio DC was played when it suited XH; she saw through it given some things she subsequently said; she had her own (astute) view of what had happened and why DSC was no longer in her life.

Romeyroo thank you as well. One of the hardest things about being a residential step Mum was that I didn't have anyone to sense check with... All the other stepmums I know are EOW only.

That applies double now, everyone I know who has divorced has only had children of the family to worry about. So the 'preview of coming attractions' as it were is much appreciated.

And yes, I think this will be horrendous Even if this was 100% amicable the effects on the kids are bad. As it is at the moment I am frightened of how bad it might get.

I still can't quite believe that this is my life. It feels so surreal.

Ima, no, I think separating the children that way was extremely cruel and traumatic. I think children should not be punished for adult's choices.

I think if my XP did not love me anymore there was absolutely no reason those children could not have stayed in contact, had play dates and visitation and I think that not only would it have been easier on them now, but it would have set a more civilised example for their own futures.

I saw a quote saying that father's should beware that boys grow up and follow their example not their advice and I think that is true.

I hope my DS and my DSC are not influenced in the long term by the bizarre and frankly inhuman behavior of my ex.

I think though that the fact your DH is threatening this is all the more reason for you to get away from him. A person who would use this as leverage is sick in the head.

And Ima, I am absolutely certain that my XP did not do this to punish me - he had no reason to - it was him who wanted to leave.

He did this because he did not want to tell his son that he'd left me and DS. He wnated to preserve his image in his son's eyes as superdad, superman and he caused all this additional suferring in order to achieve that.

He has even admitted it.

He came round just once to say goodbye to DS about 6 months after he left. It took him THAT long to "be strong enough" (what a prick) and DS asked straight up if he could see his brother please. XP cuddled DS and said he would arrange it and then never did.

He phoned to say he could just not face DS telling DSC the truth of what had happened. He felt he was "protecting" his child, when really he was just using me as a scapegoat to hide his own pathetic cowardice.

It feels surreal to me now, even after all this time, that someone I loved and trusted so deeply would behave like this but he did it.

julie thanks for replying. DH seems to think like your ex... That it's better to totally separate the kids and deal with the fallout and move on, than it is to maintain contact and have the ongoing mini-heartbreak after each visit. And it sounds really convincing when he's saying it, but in my bones it doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

Yes Julie that rings bells, I also think it's a lot to do with the intense relationship DSC and DH have.