husband went out on boxing day - is that reasonable?

[lizzie867]

So my husband and i have had a bad year in our marriage. We are trying to work things out but i am still upset he decided to go out last night. The basics are we have no local family and always spend christmas just the 2 of us and now with our 2 year old. My husband only gets xmas day off work as he takes 3 days over new year so we can go to my sisters. Yesterday he texts me from work to say his work mates are going out tonight and can he go- i say fine. Then later he texts again to say one cant make it tonight and they want to go yesterday, boxing day. I was not happy as this would mean he gets in from work and then an hour later goes out for the night (staying out as his work is half hour drive) and i am left in on my own with our daughter in bed. He knew i was upset but went anyway, now i cannot seem to get over it. After such a bad year in our marriage i wanted him to show me he cares about me and i cannot help thinking an act like this just highlights he will never put us first. He says it didnt feel like boxing day to him as he was at work and if he didnt see his mates then he wouldnt get another chance over xmas- and we will have 3 days at my sisters when he is off work to enjoy. I am not even sure why I cant let this go but it just feels like he doesnt care enough.

... so it's gone from 'he wants to go out with colleagues, having checked it's okay - therefore he might be having an affair'

to

.. 'if he goes out on boxing day, of all days, he will meet another woman and have an affair, because it happened to someone on the internet, therefore it'll happen to you' ?

this is just brilliant.

Completely reasonable I'd say. He asked you and is spending 3 days with you soon. I'd calm down and ease off and be more adaptable because you are sounding resentful of him enjoying time with other people.

I know it was boxing day but it is a 4 day break in effect this year, it's difficult to fit people in on nights out etc., and pressure to please others. You can have a nice evening together tonight.

Depends on the reasons for a bad year in your marriage. I would suggest possibly OW because of this. And staying out all night. Is your gut telling you something because going out for a drink would never bother me. Boxing Day night is another matter. Look into it and keep yourself safe.

Wouldn't bother me if my dh went out boxing night in all honesty. However I'm sensing a back story here ...

why did the plans of the one person who couldn't make the 27th overrule the plans of the ops dh to spend the night with her

If I could go out with mates or stay in doing coupley stuff with baked cheese I would choose the night out.

I think you are unreasonable, it's only one night. On the other hand, is he staying out the whole night? That I would not approve of.

when the colleagues all sat around and one said "I can't do the 27th" wasn't that the point for him to say "well unfortunately I have plans for tonight"
Sorry. Not explaining well. On iPad so typing a chore

Perhaps because a film and a baked cheese could be done any night? Like March 23rd for example?

So not seeing the issue here. I'm a homebody but even I'd think my DH had lost the plot if he objected to me postponing a film and a baked cheese for something else on one night of no personal significance when I was already going away to his family with him a few days later.

Ay be he did. MAybe he assumed that any plans made with the wife he's trying to repair the relationship with are moveable. We don't really know. THERE IS NO LINK to jim having another woman, it was an unrelated question.
Not shouting, iPad is, sorry

I can understand why you are upset, OP.

Boxing day is a 'special day' If you had plans to spend a night in with him and he blew you out for his friends. I think I would be a bit miffed too.

You are being a martyr with the old "won't actually stop him going out but will give him grief if he does" thing.

What's the problem with being on your own for an evening?

I don't see a problem here, although I do get that you have had marriage problems this year.

I think it can be very damaging to make a spouse feel bad for going out occasionally, and I would say that applies whether you're male or female. I don't think your husband was being unreasonable but you are punishing him.

I think you are getting a hard time on here, OP.

Hope you have a nice night tonight.

I don't see the issue either, tbh.
Although, to be fair to OP, she is acknowledging that, and has thanked people for their perspective.

You were overreacting OP but these big days at Christmas can get really charged with expectations, especially if you have been stuck in the house with a toddler. Hope you enjoy your cheese and film tonight

OP if you are a bit like me, I don't take a change in plans very well. I would be a bit "mehhh" if I had plans with my H and then suddenly he changed plans to go out with his friends, but certainly it would not be a major issue.

Whats wrong with being home on your own? you are an adult!

You are being massively unreasonable.

Christ on a bike, I wish my DH would piss off out and leave me in peace.
I'll be glad to get back to work tomorrow.

From the OP's posts I too am struggling to see a problem.If he hadn't spent Christmas Day with you, you didn't live together, or he wasn't working lots of shifts so you could jointly go to your sister, I might have seen your point.

But as it stands I'm tempted to say "what more do you want? blood?"

my dh goes out every boxing day, its one of his best friends birthdays and long before i came on the scene, the 'boys' all went out for a curry and a beer to celebrate.

its never bothered me, christmas to us is midday christmas eve, christmas day, to midday boxing day, outside of that is business as usual.

I've just told him if he wants to go out NYE with our friend he's welcome to, and i will take the kids to my mums to ring in the NY with her.

Of course the fact that you've had a difficult year will colour your feelings, but having problems in your marriage cant be allowed to take over your lives to the extent you're looking for slights from him. You need to let this one go.

No problem with him going out or with you feeling a pissed off with being on your own.

The bit that i find interesting is the whole 'i wouldn't tell him not to go thats his choice, but ill be pissed off if he does' Its game playing, a bit childish and i don't like it. It leaves people second guessing what you really want. If you are not careful it could leave the other person not actually caring what you want as they can never seem to 'guess' the right way. It may be that you need to work on your assertiveness skills?

I went out on Boxing Night with my best mate. DP stayed home. When he goes out must admit I put my feet up, slob around in front of TV or chat with friends on 'phone..or just pamper myself, or read. I like "me" time. I can see that if there's a history of relationship problems then it can get to you when your partner is off out, seemingly happy in the company of friends. But as lovely as a relationship can be, it can be a bit much for your partner to be the centre of your world..there's a danger of making a person feel stifled. if he's out you can still be yourself, entertain yourself. & you'll have together time with family over the festive season. You said he gets just 1 day off work at Christmas..so this means you'd want him to spend christmas and Boxing Day indoors with you, and then 3 days over the new year period at your sister's home. All this is to do with "you". 1 night out with his friends within all this doesn't seem an issue at all.