husband went out on boxing day - is that reasonable?

[lizzie867]

So my husband and i have had a bad year in our marriage. We are trying to work things out but i am still upset he decided to go out last night. The basics are we have no local family and always spend christmas just the 2 of us and now with our 2 year old. My husband only gets xmas day off work as he takes 3 days over new year so we can go to my sisters. Yesterday he texts me from work to say his work mates are going out tonight and can he go- i say fine. Then later he texts again to say one cant make it tonight and they want to go yesterday, boxing day. I was not happy as this would mean he gets in from work and then an hour later goes out for the night (staying out as his work is half hour drive) and i am left in on my own with our daughter in bed. He knew i was upset but went anyway, now i cannot seem to get over it. After such a bad year in our marriage i wanted him to show me he cares about me and i cannot help thinking an act like this just highlights he will never put us first. He says it didnt feel like boxing day to him as he was at work and if he didnt see his mates then he wouldnt get another chance over xmas- and we will have 3 days at my sisters when he is off work to enjoy. I am not even sure why I cant let this go but it just feels like he doesnt care enough.

Also wouldn't be the first time a man said 'I fancy going out for a drink with my friends on Boxing Day' surely?? I've got a cold, a toddler and am pregnant and therefore stuck at home but for about the past 8 years I have been out with my friends on Boxing Day. There is definitely no other man.

So it is the fact you were in on your own that has annoyed you. The night was changed not by him but because someone else couldn't make it. This was out of his control. How was he supposed to give you enough notice? I really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

In a way i am glad you guys think i am blowing it up out of proportion- guess i kinda hought that but needed to hear it from someone else

we went out last night, it was DEAD

Ah ok. If you already had an arrangement with him, then yes I can see your point now.

Lizzie have the baked cheese (yum!) and watch the film tonight . The date really really doesn't matter.

Your point Elizabeth? My DH went out with my Dad last night, it was as busy as Christmas Eve apparently. Obviously we live in different places.

no way!

The issue is we planned to have boxing day night in together with a film and baked cheese and at the last minute he went out.

Drip feeding?

He has sent me a text to say we will do it tonight

Haha that was kind of my point Elizabeth. You seemed to be suggesting that as it was dead where you are it would be dead everywhere, and linking that to the idea OP's DH was having an affair. Anyway, enough derailing the thread with nonsense.

OP I can understand the disappointment if you had plans. However he has swapped his night out meaning he now has tonight free unexpectedly. Hope you manage to enjoy a nice evening at home this evening.

I dont understand the drip feeding comment? They were plans of a sort but nothing that couldnt be done tonight- am currently changing focus to having a nice night tonight, thanks people

Sometimes plans change and this was one of those occasions. If you had known in advance would you really have gone out anyway? Perhaps not. Most people, myself included, need to go out for a while on Boxing Day after being cooped up all day on Christmas Day. You have a real choice here now to continue to be upset and annoyed over something that was out of his control in many ways as he did not choose to change the day, or you can make the noble decision to let this go.
If trying to work out your marital problems is really that important then you have to play your part too. Let it go. You can do DVD, cheese event tonight or tomorrow, in the great scheme of things it really isn't a huge deal.
If you continue to show how upset/annoyed you are then you can hardly blame him if he can't wait to get back to his mates at work.

Thanks heyday- i know that but needed it saying to me to pull myself out of moping! Now trying hard not to start singing let it go!

Is he likely to be hungover and so ruin your plans tonight by being in a bad mood or going to bed early?
I have to say I can see where Elizabeth is coming from

Sounds like you overreacted a bit last night because you were disappointed -fair enough! Have a lovely night tonight

wow. A husband changes the night he wants to go out with work colleagues, asks if that's okay and is told yes, and now he's possibly having an affair?

This is MN at it's finest.

He asked if it was okay to change plans, OP, and you said yes. He's using up the rest of his holiday to go see your family. One night out with work colleagues over christmas is not unreasonable. YABU. Sorry.

I have an aquaintence who left home on boxing day to spend a week with a friend, abroad, including new year, and he's left his wife and two young children two and five yo at home. now I really wish she would ltb. and while I don't know about this year last year there definitely was also an ow.

I am only able to say this to you because I have to do this frequently with my DP. I could get in a moody most days but I really have to have a quick talk to myself and decide if I want to create that barrier between us and have a miserable time or let things go. It's almost always better to let the little things go and try to build a happier, healthier relationship with those we care for. It's not always easy but as humans we can and do have control over many of our actions so let's use that ability to our advantage.
I hope you have a pleasant evening tonight and hopefully it won't go un noticed that you let this go because you care deeply about building this relationship after the recent difficulties. Be happy.

I can just imagine popping in to see the ow on Boxing Day, having spent the day with his family and her begging him to stay the night. Anyway I have a suspicious mind. Probably wrong. But why did the plans of the person who couldn't make the 27th overrule the plans of the ops dh to spend the night with her

OP hasn't even said there's a hint of another woman. So true Bant, mumsnet at it's bloody finest. There's lots of things I can 'imagine', doesn't mean it's relevant to this situation.

Have you had a chance to go out, OP? Would it make things better if you did? My husband's nights out outnumber mine significantly and that leaves me a bit resentful.. i sense the same kind of grouchiness here, though I could be wrong. I do feel better if I get a chance to have a break, don't need to match the nights out one for one, just as long as I get to have a break and not feel burnt out.

I don't see the issue, sorry.

Pick your battles - you've said yourself your marriage is already in a bad way, is him changing the night he goes out really a massive problem?

Reasonable, yes.

I believe my ex met the ow on Boxing Day when he went out without me for a drink.

I used to feel resentment at his going out alone but was made to feel neurotic.

I'm going against the grain here. If someone makes you feel second best listen to them , that is what they are telling you.

You don't have to tolerate anything op.