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Original poster

Overbearing Gay Uncle

37 replies

luckymummy2Sophie · 13/10/2006 10:06

dd is 5 mths old. My brother is gay, only came out to the family 2 years ago (he's 35). He lives 100 miles away, so when he visits it's usually for a few days at a time.
He is soooooooooooo overbearing on dd. really in her face all the time. I think he'll scare her when she's older. I don't know what to say to him as I know he's like this because he knows he will never have children of his own .
He constantly takes photos and collects memorobilia for her, he wants to be the first person to send her a postcard...take her to the beach....put money in her bank account (!!)
I don't want to hurt his feelings, he's not a camp gay, quite butch actually (a 'bear' in gay speak, apparently!!!! LOL), but he is a sensitive soul.
How do I tell him t back off a bit?
Any ideas, without really hurting his feelings?

OP posts:

giraffeski · 13/10/2006 10:08

Message withdrawn

sorrell · 13/10/2006 10:08

He sounds absolutely LOVELY. I'm sorry but I just do not see the problem at all. I'd have loved to have had an uncle like that. She's a lucky little girl IMO.

DastardlyDevilishDior · 13/10/2006 10:11

Same here really. Sometimes he will have to accept that you want to be thr fist toc do things with her. However, make the most of him wanting to see her. My sister is the opposite.

DastardlyDevilishDior · 13/10/2006 10:12

'first to' - damn laptop keyboard!

FioFio · 13/10/2006 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bubble99 · 13/10/2006 10:14

Sorry. I can't see a problem here, either.

Why do you think he'll scare her when she's older? She'll grow up with his personality and he'll simply be 'Uncle X.'.

Lucky you, I say, to have a brother who wants to be a proper uncle.

pamina3 · 13/10/2006 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mascaraohara · 13/10/2006 10:17

He sounds fantastic.

not really sure what the problem is or why she'd be scared of him.

Even more understandable as he only sees her every so often

Skribble · 13/10/2006 10:18

He probably will calm down a bit, after a few more visits perhaps. Maybe a few lighthearted comments, light gosh give her a minute to breath.

Marina · 13/10/2006 10:20

My sentiments exactly Fio!
I think he sounds lovely personally.
I'm not totally sure why the fact that he's gay is relevant either. Childless, maybe...I think every child deserves a doting uncle/aunt with no children of their own. These people can be treasured family members.
Babies are at their cutest at around this age as well, don't forget! As soon as she is cruising/crawling and getting chocolate or worse on his cords, I think you will find that his mad adoration for her will settle into a more pragmatic affection. Nappy changes and a good splattering of carrot puree might also hasten the process.

lucy5 · 13/10/2006 10:27

Sorry, i think he sounds like a loving uncle, don't really understand where the gay thing comes into it.

Bink · 13/10/2006 10:29

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but maybe part of this is that she's so new and special to you too (I'm guessing she's your first?) so that there is a little bit of well, not jealousy exactly, but tussle over whose she really is? Reason I say that is very often people get exactly the behaviour you're describing from grandparents over the first grandchild. So it's not necessarily about your brother being gay. (He may have children one day too - there are gay families.)

So, if you are feeling that he is taking over a little too much, how about you suggest something special & dedicated that can be entirely his & dd's - like a special scrapbook where she can keep all his postcards to her & photos he takes for her, and when he comes to stay he can update it with her "helping"? And then in due course it can include the paintings she paints for him, of which, for an uncle as lovely as this, there will be masses?

Skribble · 13/10/2006 10:31

I think lucky is thinking along the lines that he may never have his own kids. As she said its not about him being camp or anything. I doo see her point it like any relation being over bearing. sometimes you just want them to back off a bit.

bubble99 · 13/10/2006 10:33

To be fair to the OP I think she raised the fact that he's gay because she felt that the fact that he 'knows he will never have children' (although, as Bink has just said, there are many gay families) may influence the way that he behaves with his niece.

beansontoast · 13/10/2006 10:53

he's 'getting on your nerves' and thats about the height of it(most people got on mine when ds was small).... you have a five month old baby and might still be pretty tired most of the time....plus you are still getting used to your new 'gay brother'...who comes to stay,as opposed to just visits.

you tell him to 'back off'... he'll tell you to 'lighten up'...which in time you will.

TutterIckOrTreat · 13/10/2006 10:55

not sure i understand. why mention the fact that he's gay?

TutterIckOrTreat · 13/10/2006 10:56

sorry, justv read thread, realise i'm not the first to mention this

Original poster

luckymummy2Sophie · 13/10/2006 14:33

Bink and bubble 99

I know what you mean, but trust me, he will never have kids. we come from a strict catholic family and he has stated he does not agree with that himself.

However, I'm really glad I posted cos it has really made me realise how lucky I am, and dd. He's quite an ott person generally, and it has wound me and sis up in the past. I just have to accept how he is, but really, you are all right, he is wondeful .

OP posts:

sorrell · 13/10/2006 14:35

Hooray! Really, a childless friend or relative who loves your child is just such a huge boon. Hopefully what seems overbearing to you will seem very jolly indeed to your dd.

evilanniedividedin2byalargeaxe · 13/10/2006 14:45

Don't see that him being gay is the issue, if he's a good uncle he would be like that whether gay, straight, or anything in between!

WigWamBam · 13/10/2006 14:46

He sounds lovely, and I'm sure he will turn out to be a really nice uncle to her. Eventually you will feel lucky to have such a kind and caring brother who wants to be involved in his neice's life.

I think this is more about your feelings as a new mother than it is about him being overbearing, to be honest. I remember when dd was a baby, I used to get incredibly jealous of anyone wanting to do things with dd that I didn't think were their place to do - be the first to do anything, pay money into an account for her. At one point I used to get insanely jealous of dd sitting on someone else's lap, and as for leaving her with anyone on her own - cutting off my own hand would have been easier. It passes and eventually you'll feel happier letting him spend time with and enjoy your dd.

oxocube · 13/10/2006 14:56

He sounds a bit like my brother, although my brother is not gay. He does, however, desperately want kids and its not happening for him and his wife at the moment. My kids are not at all scared by uncle x and love him to bits! They are 11, 9 and 5

Pinotmum · 13/10/2006 14:58

As she gets older he will back off unless this ins't what your dd wants. When they are walkers and talkers they do what they want so if uncie wants to sit them on his knee for stories and they don't want to then there's no story. My MIL found this out and took it personally

Original poster

luckymummy2Sophie · 13/10/2006 16:01

Please, I want you all to realise that the only reason I mentioned that he is gay is because he LOVES kids and will never have any of his own, and I am sure this is a factor in how she is around her. I am not in the least bit homophobic, I was overjoyed when he came out, as it answered a lot of questions, amd he is a much happier person 'out', which makes me happier.

He is a wonderful brother, I am so glad I posted this thread, it has really opened my eyes, honestly. I shall not moan again! I'm sure dd will love him to bits. He lives on a beach, she is gonna love going to stay when she is old enough.

I'm so sorry if I sounded mean, I actually feel quite embarassed about how I felt before now .
I don't regret posting the thread, because it has totally changed my opinion on the matter and made me realise how lucky we are .

OP posts:

Original poster

luckymummy2Sophie · 13/10/2006 16:03

sorry, hoe HE is around her. Of all the faux pas's to make!!! LOL

OP posts:

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