Horrible night, feel really down

[bloodyawfulchristmas]

My DH and I got married on Christmas Day, and he left me last year for another woman so today was really hard for me.

I moved in with my Mum a few weeks ago because I couldn't afford to keep up the house payments since the divorce and went with Mum and Dad to a party at our family's house tonight.

My DS is 10 and is autistic and gets quite agitated in crowds of people and when they were playing charades he was fidgeting a lot and making some noise and generally being over excited and I asked him to calm down but he was finding it hard. He was sitting next to my Mum and she ended up really shouting at him which upset him so he left the room and wouldn't come back in and just played on his own.

Mum came over to me and said in front of everyone that I'd caused it because I wasn't controlling him properly and wasn't paying attention and she said it was my fault he was sitting in the hallway and she felt sorry for him. She blabbered on about how she never let her kids behave like that socially and acts like it's not even relevant that he's autistic.

I really was trying to control him but you can't get an autistic kid to behave by telling them off, they get stressed in social situations. I felt really humiliated and went home.

Then lost my cool and shouted at Mum and told her it was a really hard day for me and I didn't need her being nasty and she told me she wasn't discussing it any further.

I just feel so awful. My husband hated me, my Mum made me out to be a bad parent in front of the family and I just feel like a complete loser.

Am crying in my bedroom right now, wishing finances hadn't forced me to move in with them. Just want to run away from life. I just feel like everyone hates me and I try so hard to just do well and it's never good enough

Autism affects the way a person communicates with, and relates to, other people. It also affects how they make sense of the world around them.
Everyday life for people with autism can be confusing, frightening and lack meaning. They often find understanding and communicating with others particularly difficult, which can leave them feeling isolated.
People with autism may also experience some form of sensory sensitivity or a lack of sensitivity – for example, to sound, touch, taste, smell, lights or colour.
Hope this helps x

Thank you. I find it really hard to sum it up for her in a way she really understands. To be honest it took ME years to understand it, but DS explains himself very well and says "Nanny I hate situations like that". Bless him.

Oh he sounds absolutely lovely and I know what you mean, I am still learning new things all the time ??

Did you ever do the Cygnet course? I did that and it was the first time I ever really understood what it was like in his world. Parenting was much easier after that. I have read every book there is but it's so hard. Occasionally I crew it up and get angry at him for being rigid or for something else he can't help. It's not easy to always get it right, is it? It's such a sensitive spot for me when someone undermines me or says I am a bad parent in some way because I try really hard but it's not that easy to always know

No haven't done that course but have done others. I used to tell everyone "he's autistic, not naughty" but it is shocking how many people think there is no such thing, it's just bad parenting, it used to bother me but now I just think "ignorant bastard" and move on. It's more difficult when it's close friends or family.
You are most definitely NOT a bad parent, I would challenge anyone to walk a mile in our shoes and then judge, Im sure they would feel differently. It can be incredibly isolating having a child with this 'condition' as you can't do things the parents of nt children can do, now I have my ds in a school especially for autism I have met other parents who are going through the same things and that has helped immensely.

And yes I get angry too occassionally, when you are doing it alone it's incredibly difficult.

bloodyawfulchristmas, my dd is dyslexic and has always had some challenging behaviour but before school it was very rare. Ages 5-7 were horrible. DD was very stressed by clothes and also always needed a prop to take with her (often a giant teddy!) which meant early on, before we really knew about the dyslexia or understand how 'quirky' she could be, we had big rows about things like taking giant teddy to a tiny crowded restaurant on a Saturday night or changing into an 'outfit' for a family meal.

My own sister has told me I have made dd as she is by not being strict enough with her. People who have no experience of this kind of behaviour do not understand and probably think dyslexia is just about reading or writing but it is not. It is not the same as autism and is not not as difficult to cope with but it does create some difficult behaviour and I have been made to feel I am at fault so you really have my sympathy in this.

Having said this, bloodyawfulchristmas, it does sound like your mum is really a nice lady with a blind spot.

Here is my advice as a nosy busy body that I am with only limited experience of autism but with experience of a very difficult (at times) dd who is also 10 and is dyslexic. DD can be very very good with others and often when out but I am a red rag to her at home!

Why not say simply you want to be able to explain to wider family and friends what the autism is like for ds and could she help you?

The together look at websites on the pretence of trying to identify what is true for your ds. EG

Does he have sensory over load, is it like cactus prickles in his shirt when he is stressed by tight or restrictive clothing (the kind one wears to a big family outing like a wedding or party) or maybe not.... see this site

www.pathfindersforautism.org/articles/view/parent-tips-explaining-autism-using-everyday-examples

"OUCH - that hurts!
Let's continue with more on sensory issues. Have you ever had a tag in your shirt that really bothered you? Yes? Good. Now let's add cactus needles to that tag. Lots of them. We don't know why people with autism have incredibly heightened sensitivities, but they are very real."

Together you can look at sites you have pre-vetted and get her help while really helping to educate her.

Good luck.