Horrible night, feel really down

[bloodyawfulchristmas]

My DH and I got married on Christmas Day, and he left me last year for another woman so today was really hard for me.

I moved in with my Mum a few weeks ago because I couldn't afford to keep up the house payments since the divorce and went with Mum and Dad to a party at our family's house tonight.

My DS is 10 and is autistic and gets quite agitated in crowds of people and when they were playing charades he was fidgeting a lot and making some noise and generally being over excited and I asked him to calm down but he was finding it hard. He was sitting next to my Mum and she ended up really shouting at him which upset him so he left the room and wouldn't come back in and just played on his own.

Mum came over to me and said in front of everyone that I'd caused it because I wasn't controlling him properly and wasn't paying attention and she said it was my fault he was sitting in the hallway and she felt sorry for him. She blabbered on about how she never let her kids behave like that socially and acts like it's not even relevant that he's autistic.

I really was trying to control him but you can't get an autistic kid to behave by telling them off, they get stressed in social situations. I felt really humiliated and went home.

Then lost my cool and shouted at Mum and told her it was a really hard day for me and I didn't need her being nasty and she told me she wasn't discussing it any further.

I just feel so awful. My husband hated me, my Mum made me out to be a bad parent in front of the family and I just feel like a complete loser.

Am crying in my bedroom right now, wishing finances hadn't forced me to move in with them. Just want to run away from life. I just feel like everyone hates me and I try so hard to just do well and it's never good enough

[Italiangreyhound]

bloodyawfulchristmas, my dd is dyslexic and has always had some challenging behaviour but before school it was very rare. Ages 5-7 were horrible. DD was very stressed by clothes and also always needed a prop to take with her (often a giant teddy!) which meant early on, before we really knew about the dyslexia or understand how 'quirky' she could be, we had big rows about things like taking giant teddy to a tiny crowded restaurant on a Saturday night or changing into an 'outfit' for a family meal.

My own sister has told me I have made dd as she is by not being strict enough with her. People who have no experience of this kind of behaviour do not understand and probably think dyslexia is just about reading or writing but it is not. It is not the same as autism and is not not as difficult to cope with but it does create some difficult behaviour and I have been made to feel I am at fault so you really have my sympathy in this.

Having said this, bloodyawfulchristmas, it does sound like your mum is really a nice lady with a blind spot.

Here is my advice as a nosy busy body that I am with only limited experience of autism but with experience of a very difficult (at times) dd who is also 10 and is dyslexic. DD can be very very good with others and often when out but I am a red rag to her at home!

Why not say simply you want to be able to explain to wider family and friends what the autism is like for ds and could she help you?

The together look at websites on the pretence of trying to identify what is true for your ds. EG

Does he have sensory over load, is it like cactus prickles in his shirt when he is stressed by tight or restrictive clothing (the kind one wears to a big family outing like a wedding or party) or maybe not.... see this site

www.pathfindersforautism.org/articles/view/parent-tips-explaining-autism-using-everyday-examples

"OUCH - that hurts!
Let's continue with more on sensory issues. Have you ever had a tag in your shirt that really bothered you? Yes? Good. Now let's add cactus needles to that tag. Lots of them. We don't know why people with autism have incredibly heightened sensitivities, but they are very real."

Together you can look at sites you have pre-vetted and get her help while really helping to educate her.

Good luck.

[Justwanttomoveon]

And yes I get angry too occassionally, when you are doing it alone it's incredibly difficult.

[Justwanttomoveon]

No haven't done that course but have done others. I used to tell everyone "he's autistic, not naughty" but it is shocking how many people think there is no such thing, it's just bad parenting, it used to bother me but now I just think "ignorant bastard" and move on. It's more difficult when it's close friends or family.
You are most definitely NOT a bad parent, I would challenge anyone to walk a mile in our shoes and then judge, Im sure they would feel differently. It can be incredibly isolating having a child with this 'condition' as you can't do things the parents of nt children can do, now I have my ds in a school especially for autism I have met other parents who are going through the same things and that has helped immensely.

[bloodyawfulchristmas]

Did you ever do the Cygnet course? I did that and it was the first time I ever really understood what it was like in his world. Parenting was much easier after that. I have read every book there is but it's so hard. Occasionally I crew it up and get angry at him for being rigid or for something else he can't help. It's not easy to always get it right, is it? It's such a sensitive spot for me when someone undermines me or says I am a bad parent in some way because I try really hard but it's not that easy to always know

[Justwanttomoveon]

Oh he sounds absolutely lovely and I know what you mean, I am still learning new things all the time ??

[bloodyawfulchristmas]

Thank you. I find it really hard to sum it up for her in a way she really understands. To be honest it took ME years to understand it, but DS explains himself very well and says "Nanny I hate situations like that". Bless him.

[Justwanttomoveon]

Autism affects the way a person communicates with, and relates to, other people. It also affects how they make sense of the world around them.
Everyday life for people with autism can be confusing, frightening and lack meaning. They often find understanding and communicating with others particularly difficult, which can leave them feeling isolated.
People with autism may also experience some form of sensory sensitivity or a lack of sensitivity – for example, to sound, touch, taste, smell, lights or colour.
Hope this helps x

[bloodyawfulchristmas]

Sorry a lot of questions to answer there so I'll try.

My xH was not my son's father, but he had raised him since 8 months and he disappeared without a word or sign it was coming and left us both so DS has been through a lot too and is finding Christmas difficult. He has not sent me a penny, and I can't even face fighting about it because I'm just emotionally exhausted and need to regroup myself. My DS's Dad was never interested in the baby from when he knew I was pregnant and again, has never sent us a penny and I would not apply for it because I see him as just a sperm donor. DS has never had so much as a birthday card.

My Mum had a really awful childhood, so we tend to give her a lot of leeway. She can be really insensitive, but she is also kind and loving and pretty selfless but just has a blinkered view of things.

After posting here and getting the venting out I plucked up the courage to go and talk to her and I apologised and said I was sorry for shouting at her. She instantly looked happy and hugged me and said we'd forget about it but i told her she had to understand DS has autism and I can't make him act like everyone else.

She said she just wants him to be liked, and to be invited back places and she feels sorry for him. I said he's not naughty, he's autistic and finds big social groups really stressful and she said "he's not really that autistic".

TBH, I don't think she gets what autism is at all. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to explain all of this in laymans terms in a short and succinct way she might understand? She'd never go to a support group or talk to people but she might read something if I printed it off and it was short but sweet.

Not just for me, but for DS.

With me having moved back home I don't want her to make him feel like his behavior is not okay. He knows he does it and feels bad enough. I think if maybe she saw the world from his eyes she might fight harder to have others understand rather than to try and get him to pretend to be not autistic so people like him.

[Tryharder]

My mum has undermined me in front of my DCs once before. I told her very sharply to fuck off. Not my finest moment really but there you go.

Your mum may be great a lot of the time but that comment was totally below the belt and she needs to be told that it was unacceptable and never to repeat it or indeed anything similar.

I think your mum feels like you are beholden to her and so she can call the shots.

You don't NEED the accommodation. You are a single mum with a disabled child who has been abandoned by your spouse. Get help regarding alternative housing. I am not an expert on social housing issues but you can't be expected to live forever on the charity of relatives.

[Meerka]

Glad your Dad gets it.

if you can, and it's really hard, when your sister or anyone else wants a row with you over it - stay calm. Try to think of them as a difficult customer or something, not as someone you have a long history with.

Try using phrases like "This isn't something I want to discuss with you, it's between mum and me" and walk away if she keeps on going. Even if you want to scream inside, try to keep calm. If you don't manage it one time, then therés always the next time to practise! Can you actually talk it over with your dad (in a calm way, trying to work it out, rather than a critical-of-mum way?) would that help?

Your mum sucking up to your DS is pretty difficult to deal with but again, keeping yoru calm helps.

And as you clearly know, work on moving out!

[Italiangreyhound]

PS any relatives worth their salt will know autism is a problem and will know it is not you! My friend had to take her autistic son out of school and home school. I think lots of people are just ignorant about autism but in your mum's case I do thin kit is wilful ignorance! Bless you

[Isetan]

Shes nice when it's all going her way but as soon as it isn't, she gets abusive. It sounds like you have no choice but to live with her but I would protect your son and yourself from her nastiness by limiting your exposure to her, which includes situations that are a catalyst for her nastiness.

Her behaviour goes far beyond not understanding, she's mean and spiteful and it appears your family enables her by either not standing up to her (your dad) or participating in her nastiness (your sister).

I'm sorry your H was such a shit but your parents house is a roof over your head and not a place for emotional support. Harness your understandable hurt at your mum's awful behaviour and use it as a catalyst to finding alternative accommodation.

[Italiangreyhound]

I agree with Basil when they say ,.. I think maybe minimising it because you have no choice atm what with living in her house etc., might be one way of getting through this but long term, I don't think minimisation is an option because it's better to face up to stuff like this. Honesty and kindness is better than denial and pretending that emotional cruelty is not that big a deal. Especially when you have an autistic child who needs clear signals about what's what in the world.

I really think focus on the big picture, get back on your feet, free of dependency on your parents and then you can tackle her odd behaviour. I think she is ignorant of the facts because maybe on one level she wants it to be true that this is 'just bad parenting' rather than believing she has a grandson who has a real 'problem'. She is maybe in denial.

Can I ask if you ex pays for his child (is your son his child or was your son from a previous relationship and does his dad pay?) and if not, why not? And also what help can you get from state etc so you are not dependant on your mum.

[AskBasil4StuffingRecipe]

I think it's really bad advice to minimise her horrible behaviour tbh.

So she doesn't know much about autism. Well neither do I, but then I haven't got an autistic child or grandchild. If either of my children does have an autistic child, then I'll bloody well find out about it so that I can support them all as best I can.

This woman's behaviour is horrible, really horrible and it sounds like it's not a one-off, it's part of a persistent pattern.

I think maybe minimising it because you have no choice atm what with living in her house etc., might be one way of getting through this but long term, I don't think minimisation is an option because it's better to face up to stuff like this. Honesty and kindness is better than denial and pretending that emotional cruelty is not that big a deal. Especially when you have an autistic child who needs clear signals about what's what in the world.

I hope you're feeling better today.

[Branleuse]

narcissistic mother syndrome

[Donkeysleighbellsringing]

She handled that really badly. You know what she said was utter rubbish. If your DSis wades in just say to her your mum doesn't get autism and while you appreciate her and dad letting you move in, you've had to cope on a daily basis with this so you know a lot more about it than she gives you credit for!

Glad your dad is on the right wavelength.

Your DS defended you that must have made your heart sing.

[Justwanttomoveon]

And to add, calling family members to say how awful you are sounds abusive to me.

[Justwanttomoveon]

I really feel for you, I have a non verbal asd 4yo and it is so hard, I'm a single parent too.
Luckily for me my family understand that my lo isn't being naughty when he gets upset or agitated around people, in fact yesterday we went to my mums and lo took the iPad and went upstairs for some peace as there was too much going on and he couldn't cope.
I think it is disgusting that your dm blames you for his behaviour, tbh I wouldn't speak to her, if she wants to give you the silent treatment let her, could your df speak to her about it, he sounds as though he understands just how difficult it is for you. And to not even make allowances for Christmas day being painful due to it being your wedding anniversary? I'm sorry but she sounds heartless.
I would do everything possible to find yourself somewhere else to live, then when your not dependent on your parents help I would give your mum literature from autism charity explaining how autism affects people, if she refuses to listen I really would consider going nc with her, she is very ignorant to believe his behaviour is caused by you.
Wishing you all the luck in the world, and I hope you find somewhere for you and ds to live soon .

[bloodyawfulchristmas]

Thanks you all. Great suggestions, but honestly, there's no point talking to her. Today her stance will be to:

a) not talk to me
b) suck up to DS all day
c) ring round various family members to tell them how awful I am.

Even if a medical doctor came in here and told her DS can't help behaving like that she'd STILL say it was my fault because she gets ideas in her head and won't drop them.

I'll just stay in my room, ride it out and she'll act like nothing ever happened in a few days.

I just didn't need the additional criticism or humiliation right now, but I don't think she'll ever understand me, she never has. Dad understands at least, and he thinks she was a dick to me. He'll be the only person because he understands DS and he knows how hard it is on me.

Sorry for the morose post last night. I sometimes feel completely alone.

[Italiangreyhound]

Can you and your mum go to any support and information style events together for parenting with autism? Or some sort of social thing where your mum can be around others with autism to see it is not just your ds because of you, but all autistic kids because of autism?

[Italiangreyhound]

bloodyawfulchristmas so sorry about this.

Try, if you can, to work out longer term strategies that will be good for you. EG counselling if you need it, can get for free etc etc to help you and your self esteem. Your dh has obviously knocked your confidence and it is understandable you feel bad, but it is not necessary for this to be the case forever. Try and get some help for this.

You say he hated you, I have no idea what happened in your relationship. Maybe he did not hate you at all but the pressures of parenting a child with autism was not something he could handle and he ended up having an affair to escape it. I could have it all wrong. But if what I have described is the case then it really is not your fault.

I was going to say "Have an honest chat with your mum in a nice way, explain how frustrated you feel and try and see if you can connect on a deeper level through this (IMHO)." The I saw you had said ... is kind and nice and does stuff with us and is good to my DS but she doesn't really want to talk emotions or anything like that. She's never been one for that sort of thing, she just says stuff like "you can do better" or whatever.

So maybe talking it through is no good.

You presumably both love your ds and want what is best for him and she is presumably trying her best but is making mistakes. Maybe she was embarrassed at the party and has in turn embarrassed you. That's basically what you said ... 99% of the time she's lovely, but she does have a tendency to get angry and nasty towards me if my DS plays up. I think she finds it really embarrassing and so she takes it out on me.

So if you can, I would just try and move on from this. Try and avoid situations where you and your mum will come into conflict.

She is human and makes mistakes. We all do. Try and minimise this if your mum doesn't want to talk it out. If she says stuff about you not controlling him properly to his face I would quietly explain to ds when your mum is not around that grandma doesn't really understand what you (DS) find challenging but YOU (his mum) do and you are in tune with his needs etc. Grandma loves him etc and does her best and try and help him to see that your mum and you have different options and actually this is not his problem to deal with it is just you and your mum talking etc.

I'd also be thinking about my long term plans re work, home etc and what could work what might help etc.

Be nice to you, take control of what you can.

If you mum is giving you a place to stay and is 99% of the time supportive I would cut her some slack, say I was upset on Christmas Day (for obvious reasons) and move on if you can IMHO.

Try and enjoy a relaxing time over the Christmas and work out what will make your situation better. You are not someone to hate you sound empathetic, loving and courageous. Find your inner strength through this and move on. All the best.

[Rootandbranch]

Bloody, I have an autistic ds, and I get all the same shit from my (mostly) lovely mum. She just doesn't get autism. A lot of people don't.

I feel so sorry for your situation. I hope you can move out soon. If I was in your shoes I be tempted to sit down with her tomorrow and tell her how devastated and humiliated you feel by her criticism of your parenting. I'd also contact one of the autism charities and ask if there are some leaflets about behaviour management which you could read with your mum - it might help.

[bloodyawfulchristmas]

She's a good Mum, a great Mum most of the time but she can be a bit insensitive and doesn't really get autism.

[Tobyjugg]

*it will get better

[Tobyjugg]

Frankly if she's as awful as she sounds, I'd welcome the silent treatment. You are doing brilliantly in a very hard situation - one your mother (I imagine) has never had to face and with which I doubt if she could cope half as well as you do. Stick it out bloody (you really need a new name), I will get better and it will be your efforts that made it so.