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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel?

47 replies

mistymoon · 12/10/2006 22:22

Need some advice on my situation amd have no one else to talk to about this.

I have 2 children ages 6 and 4 and my DH works mon -fri.I am a SAHM.
A typical week for us would be DH leaving at 7.30am me at home taking children to school ,housework etc picking up children and doing dinner,bedtime routine.
DH stops off at the pub every night and comes home at various times,I never know when.He stops off later on a friday and swears every weekend things will be diferent next week.He could be home for 5pm
This week so far

Mon-came home at 7.45pm
Tues-home at 8.00pm
weds-7pm,then went out to get more beer
tonight -said he would be home for dinner 6.15pm so me and the children waited as he has'nt had a meal with us al week.
6.15pm I ring him he says he has'nt forgotton and is just having a drink with a friend will be 15 mins.
6.45pm ring again he has turned his phone off.
He is still not home.

This is a regular thing every week,this is how my life is day to day.He says one thing and then turns his phone off and me and the children are waiting around for him to come home.

When I tell him I have had enough of this and can't cope anymore he just says I nagging and he does'nt want to argue.
He says things wil be different but they never are.

It's not fair on the children,they hardly see him and sometimes even at weekends he has been known to disappear in the car to the pub .One minute he is there the next the car has gone and he has slipped out.

I often say most women would think you are having an affair and he just gets really mad and says that is an insult to him that I think that.

I can't cope with this anymore.I have no family close by to help and no close friends and his family who live away know he is like this but choose to ignore it.

I am not coping at the moment day to day ,my ds has special needs and although they are god children most of the time when they are playing up I can't deal with it.Then DH will say I am to soft on them but I need some support in the evenings.
I just feel worn out and just ant to get away on my own as I feEl I never have time to really just sit and think about things and it's all getting to much.

Sometimes I wish I would get ill,not really ill but just so dh has to look after the children for a while to see how hard it can be.I know that is an awful thing to think.
Especially with him out drinking most of the time ,I just feel so alone.
I would just like to have a tlk with him when he has'nt had a drink which is'nt very often.

I look around were we live and see other fathers coming home on time most nights and think why can't DH do that,what do these other women do that I don't.

It justs goes on and on every week and I can't get through to him.
He says he lovesand respects me but how can he.

OP posts:
kittythescarygoblin · 12/10/2006 22:30

Mistymoon, I'm so sorry this is happeneing to you. I'm too knackered at the mo to offer any long constructive advice. However, I have to say that the bloke is a s**thead.
It is relatively irrelevent as to whether he is having an affair. He is treating you atrociously and if there is any way that you can get out of this situation then do so. I hope some more constuctive advice comes along soon, good luck

SittingBull · 12/10/2006 22:30

This reply has been deleted

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SittingBull · 12/10/2006 22:32

This reply has been deleted

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ThomBat · 12/10/2006 22:37

Oh mate. That's shit and totally unfair on you.

I really don't know what to suggest.

Can you leave, just for a weekend, pack oyur things, call his bluff, get out and away, with the kids sure, but without him, just for a night or a weekend.\

Sounds like it's too easy for him to stay out. No disrespect to you but I don't get that you give him a massivley hard time and go hugely mad and scream and threaten him so he thinks it's ok as you won't really ever do anything about ti.

You have to do something to make him realise how unfair it is and how unhappy and worn out you are.

ThomBat · 12/10/2006 22:39

If you can't leave - go on strike.
Stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing, just sort out yours and th DCs washing and food.
When he comes in go upstairs.

????

Original poster
mistymoon · 12/10/2006 22:45

Thanks for the replys kitty and sittingbull.
He is still not home.

I am sitting here anxiously as I do most night wondering what state he will be in when he fianally gets home.I am just so tired of all this.I keep listening out for the taxi and it's almost become an obsession,listening for him at the door.

I just don't know how to make him see how unhappy I am with all this and what effect it could be having on our children.

Sittingbull-you sound like you would not put up with this.How do other women not get into this situation,what is it about me that allows it.

I don't think he is an alcoholic ,more a binge drinker or as he would put it just a social drinker.

He is a good father and the children adore him but I know ds especially wants to see more of him and has started to ask will daddy be late again tonight .

This has gone on for so long now,14 years even before the children were born and I know I have allowed it too.
But I can't allow this now,not now we have children they are getting older and I don't want them going through this.
I want him to change his ways,if possible but I have got really angry,stayed calm,got hysterical and nothing seems to get through.

OP posts:
QueenQuootieSpookypieBee · 12/10/2006 22:46

oh dear - to be brtually honest if I was you, id get inside locks and lock the door past... 5.30? Do you cook dinner for him? If so, no dinner after 6? And I know its dishonest, but, id feint being abit ill to get him to give childcare a go. Once a week, yeah, id be ok with him going out, but, if he was equally ok with staying at home and looking after the children while I went out once a week. Sounds harsh, but, I dont like women being taken for granted

QueenQuootieSpookypieBee · 12/10/2006 22:48

he's still not home? Lock the door and get some rest. When he does get home, send him my direction!

BIGlilBUBU · 12/10/2006 22:54

Is he always in the pub? My dad used to come home late everynight when I was younger and all day on a sat and sun. But he was an alcoholic so thats why he was always in the pub. He didnt like the indea of getting drunk at home as that would hit home that he had a problem. Have you considered that perhaps he might have a drinking problem. If he does then he needs help like alcoholics anonamous and alanon can help you cope. That is of course if he does have a problem. The only reason I say this is because he sounds alot like how my dad was.

ThomBat · 12/10/2006 22:57

If you lock the door and don't let him in it could start something you might not be ready to finish. Could end with him trying to break in and scarig you or anythig so don't go down that road is my advice.

I think blank him tonight, Then if you can go away for a weekend, in the morning, when when he is sober tell him you'll be away for the weekend.

If you can't go away go on strike.

Original poster
mistymoon · 12/10/2006 22:57

I don't reaLly have any family I stay with sittingbull.
My parents died a few years ago and my sister and niece have their own familys to worry about.
I did suggest this awhile back but DH said I was not to take his children anywhwere .
He thinks we should sort it out and would'nt want me talking to my family or heaven forbid his.He does,nt want his parents upset by this but as I have said it's ok if I am upset by it all.
Thombat-I t probably would'nt bother him if I stopped cooking for him as he is hardly ever here to eat with us anyway.I do go mad sometimes and end up hitting the wall and getting hysterical but he just tells me to get a grip.
In fact he commented the other day that I get so stressed that he half expects a phone call one day to say I have had a heart attack and he will be left to look after the children.

OP posts:
CristinaTheAstonishing · 12/10/2006 22:59

You could ask him, at least to start with, that one evening a week he comes home early, does stuff with the kids, then you both have a drink together when they are in bed. He might come to like spending some more time with you & the kids again. Or is there an evening class like dancing that you could go out to and so "force" him to be back early and with the children. I haven't got any other ideas...

ThomBat · 12/10/2006 22:59

My last post crossed with yours. He sound like a shit bag tbh babes.
If you had a heart attack he'd be left to look after the kid, ohhh right, lovley!

2nervesleft · 12/10/2006 23:02

If you don't mind me putting my oar in then I would question his relationship with alcohol. As a substance misuse counsellor many partners often say it is the same or worse than having an affair - spending all your money and/or time with your chosen substance, neglecting family, friends and becoming secretive about it.

I know others have said they wouldn't tolerate it but I'm sure this pattern didn't establish itself overnight, rather a slow insidious change which is difficult to challenge? How would you feel about asking him to leave? It may wake him up and see the lovely family he could lose. Good Luck

Original poster
mistymoon · 12/10/2006 23:05

Queenquotie-Me and ds were both ill this week and I sent him an email to ask if he could come home early but he still went to the pub after work.
A taxi has just arrived so have to go,

OP posts:
ThomBat · 12/10/2006 23:05

Yes, I think you need to ask yourself how far you are prepared to go to make things beter.

BIGlilBUBU · 12/10/2006 23:05

Even if he's not an alcaholic he definately sounds like he has a drinking problem otherwise this wouldnt have gone on for 14 years. I strongly advise you speak to him whens he not drunk and ask him if he'd like to change. If he does and will admit he has a problem then send him to AA(alcaholics anonamous) he'll get the right help support there. And for your own sanity go to alanon its for friends and familys of alcaholics. My mums been going there for years and its really helped her stay possitive and sane. And its just nice to know other people are in the same boat as you and to feel like your not alone. Honestly I really think you'd benefit.

hertsnessex · 12/10/2006 23:06

is he an alcoholic?

ThomBat · 12/10/2006 23:08

God he sounds so incredibly selfish.

Would you be happier without him, truly. Are you and kids beeter off not having him around in the week. Would he be a better dad if he was just there for them every other weekend. Would you be happier, you'd hav e every other weekend free, you'd go internet dating. Does that sound like it could possibly be the better option?

QueenEvil · 12/10/2006 23:09

There is def an issue with drink here which you need to sort out, or rather HE needs to sort out.

He is also taking you for granted and acting like a seflish bastard - you need to stop doing his washing, cooking, ironing, fetching and carrying. Stay cheery and if he moans, say oh sorry i haven't had time seeing as I've been on my own all day and I've been rushed off my feet.

You need to get yourself an interest, book a babysitter and (easier said than done, I know) get out at least one night a week and stop sitting in worrying about what he is up to. I am pretty sure by what you have said, he isn't sitting in the pub worrying about you.

He is using you and you are allowing him to get away with it. You need to take back some control.

hoolagirl · 12/10/2006 23:11

My dad was like this, my mum left him when I was 15 and he promised to change if we all went back, lasted about 2 weeks then all back to normal.
She eventually left him again 4 years later, she had no life for 20 odd years while he was down the pub getting pissed all the time.
Do you really want to be like her?

vitomum · 12/10/2006 23:16

i'm sorry mistmoon but this sounds like he has an alcohol problem. Whether you slap the alcoholic label on him or not is kind irrelevant i believe, the effect on you all is still the same. His family plays second fiddle to his desire to have a few drinks (doesn't matter that they are 'social' drinks in the pub) - sounds like a problem to me

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/10/2006 23:34

AGree with everything Thomcat has said.

Where do you live misty?

I do think you should call his bluff. One day, just go, dont leave a note, just go somewhere to stay the night with the children obviously.

Wait for him to ring (Im assuming you have a mobile) and tell him you will be home soon. Then obviously dont. Maybe he might understand what you put up with every single day.

BIGlilBUBU · 12/10/2006 23:44

To be honest shock tactics, nagging, guilt trips dont work with alcaholics. They have a problem,an addiction which is more powerful than that. If you nag he'll prob say 'Im not hanging around listening to this im going out(to the pub). He needs to confront that he has a problem and seek help. If he doesnt then leave him, it wont get better unless he gets help. If he's been like this for the past 14years he's not likely to change without making an effort to.
You need to stay strong and be firm but not harsh. Remember he didnt choose to have a drink problem, and underneath it all is proberbly very depressed, hates himself, hates what he's doing to you and the kids. And remember not to listen to what he says when hes drunk, learn to acknoledge and ignore. I really hope it all works out ok. Where here for you xx

Original poster
mistymoon · 12/10/2006 23:50

Thanks so much everyone for your replys.

He has just staggered in can hardly walk and is all apoligetic .Heard it all before.
Told him I was bored with it all and he said he is bored with what I impose on him.
He just said "I have had enough of all this and I am going to bed,goodnight"

He is just so arrogant with it and sounds like it does'nt mean a thing what he does.

I have spoken to al anon in the past and to be honest they were talking like I should be suportive to him and get support for myself talking to others but with 2 young children I don't feel that I want to still carry on like this in the hope that one day he will change.
The house we live in was bought for us by my FIL so we could'nt stay here.

When we stayed at his parents in the summer he fell out with his brothers and sister due to drink and they saw for themselves how verbally abusive he gets when drunk.I got realy upset and did'nt know whgat to do but they just told me to deal with him and not to antagonise him.His sister had a word with me and I confided in her but she said she had tried to talk to him a couple of years back. She lives abroad and am wondering if I should e mail her and ask her advice as surely as his sister she would be concerned about his health.If DH found out I hsae done this though he would go mad.So not sure if I should.

I lost my older brother to drinking in 2003 and so this is always on my mind .

OP posts: