How would you feel?

[mistymoon]

Need some advice on my situation amd have no one else to talk to about this.

I have 2 children ages 6 and 4 and my DH works mon -fri.I am a SAHM.
A typical week for us would be DH leaving at 7.30am me at home taking children to school ,housework etc picking up children and doing dinner,bedtime routine.
DH stops off at the pub every night and comes home at various times,I never know when.He stops off later on a friday and swears every weekend things will be diferent next week.He could be home for 5pm
This week so far

Mon-came home at 7.45pm
Tues-home at 8.00pm
weds-7pm,then went out to get more beer
tonight -said he would be home for dinner 6.15pm so me and the children waited as he has'nt had a meal with us al week.
6.15pm I ring him he says he has'nt forgotton and is just having a drink with a friend will be 15 mins.
6.45pm ring again he has turned his phone off.
He is still not home.

This is a regular thing every week,this is how my life is day to day.He says one thing and then turns his phone off and me and the children are waiting around for him to come home.

When I tell him I have had enough of this and can't cope anymore he just says I nagging and he does'nt want to argue.
He says things wil be different but they never are.

It's not fair on the children,they hardly see him and sometimes even at weekends he has been known to disappear in the car to the pub .One minute he is there the next the car has gone and he has slipped out.

I often say most women would think you are having an affair and he just gets really mad and says that is an insult to him that I think that.

I can't cope with this anymore.I have no family close by to help and no close friends and his family who live away know he is like this but choose to ignore it.

I am not coping at the moment day to day ,my ds has special needs and although they are god children most of the time when they are playing up I can't deal with it.Then DH will say I am to soft on them but I need some support in the evenings.
I just feel worn out and just ant to get away on my own as I feEl I never have time to really just sit and think about things and it's all getting to much.

Sometimes I wish I would get ill,not really ill but just so dh has to look after the children for a while to see how hard it can be.I know that is an awful thing to think.
Especially with him out drinking most of the time ,I just feel so alone.
I would just like to have a tlk with him when he has'nt had a drink which is'nt very often.

I look around were we live and see other fathers coming home on time most nights and think why can't DH do that,what do these other women do that I don't.

It justs goes on and on every week and I can't get through to him.
He says he lovesand respects me but how can he.

Misty you are a darling.
Your husband either has a drink problem or a social/ family problem.
Sit him down and tell him this calmly.
Tell him you are a family with kids and if he is not prepared to give up the pub for his family he can sling his hook.

TBH, im not one for leaping to "kick him out/leave him" posts, but, it seems like the best option for you. YOu hardly see him anyway, except right now, you are sitting there spending your time waiting and worrying. You could cut that out of your life completely......just a thought.

I live in East Anglia VVV.I had thought of going away for the night to my nieces but she has 2 young children and I would'nt want to drag her into this if he came round shouting the odds.
I know of some al anon groups in the area but I don't drive so DH would want to know where I was going as I never go out alone.

I have suggested he comes home in the evening and relaxes with a glass of wine and we spend some time together but he still ends up going to the pub and then coming home and drinking more.He always brings home more cans of beer even when he has been to the pub .

He went away on buisness for a week and I managed really well and it was nice in the evenings to not have to worry about him coming home and being drunk.
He has another buisness trip to Moscow planned in november and he is really excited about going as he has'nt been their before.But all I could feel was resentment and how I will have to manage on my own again.

Biglilbubu-I know what you are saying and no disrespect to you in anyway but it's got to the stage where I have put up with this for far too long and my sympathies have all gone.
I have dealt with a lot of stuff in the past,my parents and brother dying,I had PND when my daughter was born and had to listen to him when drunk telling me he would get me sectioned because I was seeing a therapist.I know they say don't listen to someone when they are drunk but it is difficult to forget some of the things he has said to me in the past.

But we have children now and if that is'nt an incentive to give up drinking I don't know what is!!

bit too far from me....

I think he needs help, but hell, so do you. You have your children to think about. Perhaps your leaving would be the catalyst for him to get himself sorted and you can then start back at square one with things?

I often sit here wondering if things are that bad and maybe as DH always seems to think I am exagerating the whole thing.He sees nothing wrong in what he does as he works all week and to him it is his way of de stressing.

But writng it down on here and reading the responses I realise this is pretty bad.

It's just knowing what to do from here.
Maybe write him a letter,but he has probably heard it all before when I have tried to explain he just said stop preachimg to me.He always turns it around and points out negatives things about me and then just says we are not talking about me we are talking about you.Then continues to go at me verbally non stop.

I think that a letter might be a good starting point, as you will be able to tell your dh exactly how you feel without him being able to turn the conversation around to what he says are your 'negative' points. The fact that he's doing this when you try to talk to him suggests he's in denial about something. Maybe setting it all out on paper might help to clarify things, even if it only helps you to figure out the severity of the situation and what you can do about it.

Mistymoon, It sounds to me like he has a big problem adn would proberbly need alot of help in order to stop drinking. He's just full of excuses and its not helping anyone. For the sake of your kids and your sanity maybe it would be best if you leave him. Sometimes a drinker needs to hit rock bottom before he/she can start to really see the extend of there problem, and seek help.
My Dad stopped drinking when I was about 15, but fell into deep depression. Hes always drunk to take away the pain of his childhood. So when he stopped drinking it all became to real and painful to deal with. He started drinking again, his excuse was that the rugby was on so he had to drink in order to enjoy it. It went down hill from there. He became really hyper, when I say hyper I dont mean how kids get when they get abit over exited, I mean crazy hyper. He didnt sleep at all, he drank throughout the night then went off to work drunk.
My mum asked him to stop drinking or leave. He left. He was stay in the hilton near his work, running up huge bills on his credit card. He was totally out of his mind. This went on for a few months. His work fired him because he was turning up to work smelling of drink. They got in contact with my mum and organised for him to be taken into hospital.
He ended up in hospital getting treatment. They diagnosed him with bipola(dont know how its spelt). The medication made him depressed again. But brought him back down to reality. He was discharged. He found an alcaholic girlfriend and they lived together for a while. They split up and he stayed with friends for a while, untill he stopped taking his medication and became hyper again. He insuled all his friends and is now homeless living somewhere in Devon.
Now thats what drink can do. My Dads a completely different man from who I knew when I was a child. He used to be a computer consultant, he's always been very intelligent and witty. So nice to be around. Now he's just awful he's so unpredictable. He's completely missing out on my ds. Its his first grandchild and he barely sees him. Its really sad.
I think you need to tell him your leaving, because he's an alcaholic and you cant cope anymore. He may find help he may not, either way you'll be happier than you are now.
Its a horrible situation to be in and I really really feel for you. I hope it all works out ok in the end.

Misty - does he ever go a day without drinking? Could he do it? He sounds like he really does have a problem.

I'm in East Anglia, and there are quite a few of us on here. Where are you?

Morning everyone.

Well DH has called in sick this morning and has obviosly got a major hangover.This is the first time in a few years that he has time off work due to a hangover as he normally goes in.

Am not saying too much to him this morning,dd is here so I will try amd talk to him this evening.

oddjob-I thik I will write him a letter and let him read it over the weekend although don't know what I can write that I have'nt already said a hundred times.

Biglilbubu-It must have been awful for you to go through that with your dad and I can see so many similarities with my DH.
My DH is an intelligent man and went to the best schools and comes from a wealthy background.He was always moving living in diferent countries due to his dad's work and his family life was one of dinner parties for clients so always lots of wine flowing etc.
When we stay at his parents it's always g&t 's before dinner ,wine with most meals and that is just their culture.He is'nt that close to his family and they find it hard to talk to each other about personal issues.

DDDior-I live in Norfolk.
He usually drinks everyday wheather it be a few beers of to get totally drunk like last night.He holds down a job and has done for years .
At weekends he may only have an odd glass of wine but sometimes he has been known to go to the shop for something and not come back for a few hours having gone to the pub.It's got so I can't trust him to nip out on his own as I worry he will go to the pub and he gets annoyed because he says I can't keep him in.

So he can go a a couple of days without drinking and that says to me he can control it if he wanted to. I have no problem with him goig out ocasionally to the pub and meeting up with friends but he never knows when to stop and when it is nearly everyday and infringes on mine and the childrens life it's not on.

Mistymoon,

These comments of your are telling to say the least:-

"I don't think he is an alcoholic ,more a binge drinker or as he would put it just a social drinker".

Do you now think he is an alcoholic since writing these words.

"He is a good father and the children adore him but I know ds especially wants to see more of him and has started to ask will daddy be late again tonight".

He is not a good father to the children if this is what they are seeing. This is no atmosphere for your children to be brought up in. This will profoundly affect them.

"This has gone on for so long now,14 years even before the children were born and I know I have allowed it too.

You have enabled him by being there but he made a conscious choice to start drinking - it was not forced on him.

But I can't allow this now,not now we have children they are getting older and I don't want them going through this".

Quite right. Then get out of this hole you are all in.

"I want him to change his ways,if possible but I have got really angry,stayed calm,got hysterical and nothing seems to get through".

The only one who can change is him and for his own self only. No one else can do it for him and he cannot just do it for someone else. He has to decide he has a problem and then tackle it. He will have to hit rock bottom and even then there are no guarantees he will be able to stop drinking. Everything else, absolutely everything else in his life, comes second to the drink. Alcoholics are by their very nature selfish.

Keep talking to Al-anon. You need support and understanding for your own self.

Have you yourself come from a family background where alcoholism has been a feature?.

i dont think you have said once that you love him.but then he is being emotionally abusive IMO and u seem scared of him.u need to leave him and make a life without him,and i never say that lightly with no thought put into it.but i think if hes to realise he has a problem thats the only way its goingt o happen.

misty moon

i remember when i was younger my mum used to go through the same experiences as what you have said tonight...we used to go on regular walks past the pub to see if his car was there and once my mum spotted it she used to call my dad and ask where he was and he would say at work (i know this is not the case with you) but she knew full well he was in the pub. this used to happen most nights and would be worse on a friday.

we lived 10 mins walk away from the pub but he still chose to drive there from work and then drive home after several pints. well one day my mum had had enough...so much so when she knew he was in the pub for hours one night she phoned the police and reported him for drink driving, she did this every night until eventually the police caught him and he lost his license for 2 years for drink driving. needless to say the marriage didnt last much longer and she is now in a happy marriage

sometimes men need to learn the hard way......

Just wanted to pipe up and sing the praises of Al-anon. They changed my mums life. My step-father was a mean alchoholic and at first she tried all the standard "stop drinking or I'm leaving" stuff and it didn't work. She was very depressed and on anti-depressants. She started going to Al-anon. It rebuilt her confidence and enabled her to get support from others in the same situation and others who had got through it. They teach you not to enable your alchoholic by making excuses for them and also a loving detatchment. (e.g. My SF was once so drunk that he passed out in the bathroom doorway on his way to bed (at about 3.30pm), my mum simply dragged him along the landing enough so we could get the bathroom door shut and instructed us all to step over him.) He did attend AA many times but never stuck at it and eventually drank himself to death.

Ultimately you can't do anything to change others, especially alchoholics, you can only change what is yours to control to make the situation better for you and your children. {{hugs}}

I totally agree, alanon is whats going to help you get through this. You'll start to realise how much living with an alcaholic has affected you. It really has changed my mums life too. They say go for 6 sessions before you decide its not for you.

Thanks everyone for your support.

ATM-My own family does not have a history of alcoholism although my brother died due to alcohol it was a case of him losing his job and becoming depressed and hid it from the family.
Very sad and was devasting too us all.
I see what you are saying in your post and it really opened my eyes.Probably takes an outsider to see it.

Thanks everyone else for sharing your experiences .
I am not sure I am confident enough to go to AL anon.

WEll after a couple of days of DH feeling ill he went out today at 12.45pm to the DIY store and has returned yet.
The children are getting bored and irratable and have been trying my best to keep them occupied .Have a tent up in the lounge and we had a picnic indoors.
But am feeling let down yet again and useless.
Want to just go and lie down and sob but know I have to keep it al together for the childrens sake but is very hard.

mistymoon - he IS an alcoholic. No ifs buts or maybes about it.

I am really sorry you are going through this and don't really know what to suggest other than Al-Anon.

You can't make him stop. You can't make him not go to the pub. Not even his children can do that. But you can get support for you.

BudaBeast-I just feel so selfish re the Al anon thing.I now it would be of great support to me and in turn I would feel better able to cope with children etc.But I think it is time to do something here and now and not in a few months /years .I would probably feel better equipped to deal with the situation ,in the meantime my children will be missing out.I don't think it is fair on the children to go through this anymore,If It was just me then fair enough.
They are getting older and at the moment oblivious to what is realy happening.But that won't be the case forever.

I am so downhearted as the last couple of days he has not had a drink and we had a fairly pleasant evening last night ,talking and laughing and I thought we were turning a corner and he was taking on board what I had said.
Obviously not.

He has now been out for 4 hours so god knows what state he wil be in when he gets home.Probably going on past exeriences he will just be jolly and loud and play around with the children getting them all excited before bedtime.
So it wil be down to me to do the bedtime routine yet again.

Al I can think of is it's monday tomorrow and the whole week of uncertainty will start all over.

I don't think I can handle much more of this.
I sufered from PND and panic attacks a couple of years back and I Can feel myself slipping back.

My heart is pounding and I feel physicaly sick wondering when he will be back and how I will deal with it when he does.
The awful thing is the other night when he got back realy drunk I almost wished he would fall own the stairs and not hurt himself badly but just enough so he relised their was a problem and then maybe his family woud support me terible of me to think that ,I know but that's how desperate I feel.

Sorry - didn't get back to this yesterday mistymoon.

Well - you sound as though you are at the end of your thether. But you need to make a decision as to wht you want. Do you wnat to leave him or for him to leave?

Al-Anon is not selfish by the way - they may have some coping strategies for you. They may have ways for you to get through to him.

Would your DH go to the doctor with you? He does have to admit he has a problem before anying can change though.

Hi mistymoon.
The way you feel and the things you are saying is why you need alanon.
You cant change his behaviour. Nothing you do or say will suddening stop him drinking. He's got a serious drink problem which needs help. Have you asked him if he'd consider going to AA or his gp?
At the moment all you can do is help yourself (al anon) and try to help him(by suggesting he go to AA or his doctor). That really is all you can do.
You need to stop hopeing for the day that he'll suddenly stop. It proberbly wont happen, not without getting help first. You could even suggest sending him to rehab.
But honestly misty start thinking of yourself abit and get yourself down to an alanon meeting. You clearly need some form of support and help and this is by far the best step you could take.
Get someone to babysit for an hour while you go. They have ones in the morning aswell as evening so you dh need never know.
I really hope this all works out for you. And I really hope you give alanon a go. Its helped millions of men and women, why wouldnt it help you?

Alanon have books you can read to your children to explain to them what an alcaholic is. This will help them understand why he behaves the way he does.

Sorry for your situation, personally I would just go about my business as though I'm a single mum, get your tea and your kids tea at the time that suits you and the kids, do him some too but make it at the same time and if hes not in for when its ready then just leave it to go cold, say nothing when he comes in, just go about your business, dont ask when he's coming home if hes still out, dont ring him asking if hes coming home yet, I really wouldnt give him the satisfaction, I can just picture him in the pub slagging you off for nagging along with a dozen other guys probably. I would just act like you dont give a shit and eventually it will annoy him that you dont seem bothered whether hes there or not, If he asks you why you arent bothered I would just say " I've tried, and failed to get through so now I'm just going with the flow, if you wanna be in the pub every night instead of being with your kids then thats something you eventually have to justify and live with"...or words to that effect. Good luck.

It does sound as though he has a really bad drink problem.
You need to sit him down and tell him you will not stand for this any longer, that you think he needs help and you will not continue to cook and clean for him raise his children and take care of everything while he live's the life of a single man and goes out getting p*ssed everynight.
Tell him you will be locking the door at 6.30 and DO IT.
And if you want to go visit your or his family with the children, pack up and go, leave him a note saying see you on whatever day and let him get on with it.
Better yet, wait till his home and sober and sod off for a few days, see how he likes it.